Rhino Charges Midtown, Nobody Cares

Heroes Say "Other Things to Worry About"

NEW YORK - What if you threw a rampage and nobody came?

That's the dilemma faced by the Rhino, longtime Spider-Man and Hulk foe, who charged down Broadway following a jewelry store burglary yesterday-- only to find no superheroes in hot pursuit. Instead, he was intercepted five times by NYPD SWAT teams. They brought down the massive villain with a heavy salvo of depleted uranium ammunition, knockout gas and tasers charged with enough juice to light up Times Square.

"What gives?" the Rhino demanded, as he was trussed up in power-dampening manacles and led into an armored detention transport (ADT). "Nobody wants to fight? C'mon, back in the day, I'd've had Spider-Man, the Avengers AND the Fantastic Four on my butt in no time flat!" He hung his head. "Is it... is it me? Something I did? I... I think I wanna talk to my shrink."

"Rhino was a good test of our supervillain response protocol," said Deputy Assistant Police Chief Brock Schmedly. "He's big, strong and takes a helluva pounding to bring down. Our guys are feelin' pretty good about themselves right now. Even the dozen guys in the hospital are grinning."

Asked for comments, New York's heroes were apologetic but noncommittal.

"We're still sorting ourselves out after this big Superpowers Registration Act smash-up and then the whole World War Hulk mess," said Sentinel, one of the current Avengers. "We get to these supervillains as we can but once in awhile, somebody slips through the cracks. Guess it was Rhino's turn."

"Nobody wants to see us miss a bad guy," said Tony Stark (Iron Man), leader of the Avengers and current director of SHIELD. "Even the Rhino causes a lot of property damage. There may be some temporary disarray but I promise, the new efficiency and order we're bringing to our superhuman response elements--the Initiative--will amaze everyone."

Other supervillains wondered if, like Rhino, there might come a day when they'd commit a crime and the heroes just wouldn't care.

"I can't see that happening to me, really, but I guess it could," said the Penguin. "Batman hasn't been beating me down the way he used to."

"There used to be a time when I'd have the city on its knees," said Metallo. "Now I'm lucky if I get a... well, I guess you can't print words like that in a newspaper."

Rhino art by Khari Evans, copyright Marvel Comics

Gotham Man Never Been Victim Of Crime

Gotham, home to scores of pajama'd nut jobs, killer clowns, man crocs; and possibly a giant black bat.

GOTHAM CITY - Local shopkeeper Gavin Harwick has lived in Gotham City for twenty five of his thirty eight years of life. He runs his own import electronics store and lives in Gotham Village.

Amazingly he has never been robbed, injured, threatened, held hostage or encased in ice in the most violent city in the U.S.

"Just lucky, I guess," Gavin said. "Last week, a customer walked out with a robotic dog from Japan and, boom, was hit in the head with a mallet."

"Damnedest thing," remarks noted Gotham detective Harvey Bullock. "Can't turn a corner without some wackjob in Halloween pajammies pasting you with poison novelty gags. Guess someone has to be an exception to the rule."

Gotham City has had a long standing reputation of being a haven for criminals, thugs and madmen since the original Green Lantern relocated in the 50's. Since then, crime has risen steadily at an average of 45% from each preceding year. That is, until the inception of the GCPD's "Bat-signal", used to dissuade criminal acts with the threat of the rumored "Bat-man".

"Never seen him before, but maybe he keeps them back," Gavin said. "I don't think too much about it. Gift horses, and all."

On the opposite side, Matt Turner, a resident of The Browery, has been a victim of thirty seven separate incidents of crime involving thirteen major Gotham criminals, including Two-Face Harvey Dent, Posion Ivy, The Trigger Twins and an accidental vehicular collusion with Cat-Man.

"I'm moving to Keystone. Anywhere's better than this," Matt said, while packing his MeHaul van.