Interview with Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk

BPD was lucky to land an exclusive interview with Dr. Robert Bruce Banner and his alter-ego, the Incredible Hulk. The upcoming film by Louis Leterrier stars Edward Norton as the gamma-irradiated scientist; Banner assented to doing publicity for the movie as "community service" for the recent World War Hulk debacle.

BPD: Dr. Banner, what did you think of the movie?

BANNER: Oh, you know, they got some things right but this is Hollywood. They couldn't do the real origin, with the gamma bomb and all-- times are different and all that.

HULK: Puny humans afraid of puny human lawyers! =Ahem= That is, gamma bomb testing has been outlawed by international treaty since 1972. Using that as an element of my genesis might be seen as needlessly provocative or, worse, make this movie into a period piece.

BPD: I see. Hulk, what did you think of the movie?

HULK: Deconstructing the classic elements of forgiveness, redemption and the fruitless seeking of power, be it knowledge or brute force... I'd see it again. At full price.

BANNER: He's only saying that because I'm the one who pays for the ticket. Hulk doesn't carry cash.

HULK: You think I need to?

(At this point, the Hulk grew even larger and stronger. Tranquilizing gas was pumped into his cell.)

HULK: RAHRR! Hulk smash puny ticket machine!

(The Hulk's rage subsided after a long, hushed but angry exchange between Hulk and Banner.)

BPD: Moving on... Edward Norton plays you, Dr. Banner, and Liv Tyler plays Betty Ross in the movie. What did you think of their performances?

BANNER: Edward Norton is a tremendous actor, as is Liv Tyler. Meeting them was a real pleasure, albeit one that took place with several inches of bulletproof glass between us. That was an insurance necessity, I've been told.

HULK: Would've been nice to at least get a picture with them.

BANNER: Don't sulk, Hulk. Anyway, I think they captured the struggles Betty and I faced over the years. It was never easy.

HULK: You can say that again. When I think of all the garbage we had to put up with...

BPD: Calm down, Hulk, please.

HULK: I mean it really gets me ticked off, you know?

BPD: What about William Hurt as General Ross?

BANNER (fuming): Thunderbolt Ross is a jerk. And you can quote me in big bold letters.

HULK: No comment. But William Hurt is a wonderful fellow. Loved him in A History of Violence. Heh... what a great pun.

BPD: The movie also features one of your most powerful enemies, the Abomination.

BANNER: Yes. Tim Roth hung out in my incarceration unit a lot before and during filming--even asked for one of his own, for awhile--to "get inside" being a gamma mutate. I guess that's his method.

HULK (snorting): Method. Yeah, right.

BANNER: At least he still writes.

HULK: Whatever. They got the ears wrong. A-bomb has those funky batwing ears. I'm not making that up! Totally left those out of the movie.

BPD: What about the fight scenes? They look pretty good.

BANNER: More fun to watch them than to live them.

HULK: What would YOU know about it, puny Banner? GRAHRR!

Hulk smash Bat-Wing Ears!

=cough cough= That is, I've batttled the Abomination repeatedly and found him a challenging opponent. The movie represents that very adequately.

BPD: Have they discussed making a sequel yet? There are at least two major plot threads left hanging at the end of this movie...

HULK: Nothing has been discussed. Perhaps after the opening returns come in and they see if they have a hit. IRON MAN set a very high bar for us. Did you know Robert Downey Jr. is in this movie as that gold-plated double-crosser? Ooh, thinking about Tony Stark gets me so mad...

(The Hulk reverts to his savage persona once again.)

BANNER: =sigh= I thought we'd worked all this out in therapy...

HULK: Hulk have issues.

And with that, we close this interview. Thanks to the fine folks in the US Army Public Relations Division, Marvel News and Universal Studios for their help with this article.

Artwork copyright Marvel Studios and Universal Studios, all rights reserved.

Banner: "I Totally Did Not See World War Hulk Ending Like That"

LOCATION CLASSIFIED - In a rare chat with BPD reporters, Bruce Banner today said, "I didn't think the war would end the way it did."

Citing a lack of planning, Banner added that, "My Warbound allies bought into the blood-and-vengeance kick I was on. It was pretty heady, we were all in the big ship talking about how we'd beat down so-and-so... it was kind of a rush, you know? I mean, there I was, burning up over this whole thing-- how the ship they'd exiled me in had blown up, killing my wife Caiera and our unborn kid and hundreds of thousands of people on Sakaar-- and then I find out, late in the game, that the engines were sabotaged by one of my own!

"That was a huge buzzkill."

This secret facility has held Banner since the last battle of World War Hulk, wherein the "Green King" fought it out against the Sentry (arguably the single most powerful hero on Earth). Both fought until they'd used up their reserves of energy; the Sentry's human form was knocked out by Bruce Banner. After learning he had fought for the wrong reasons, and launching a intra-party fight against one of his comrades, all and sundry were then blasted by satellite weaponry positioned by Iron Man.

Banner (having reverted to his human form) was captured, tranquilized, and removed from New York by SHIELD before angry New Yorkers (or beaten-up superheroes) could put him out of the picture for good.

"I don't think I'll be doing the huge me-against-the-world thing again any time soon. WWH proved my point--I'm the toughest guy on the planet, once I get good and angry-- and my reasons for smashing up all those heroes were based on a misunderstanding anyway. Maybe it's just me tranked out of my gourd, but I think that one day we'll probably have a good laugh about it," he said, eyeing the walls of his cell. "Yeah, one day."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Professor X Shot, Mortally Injured, Still Missing

SALEM CENTER, N.Y. - Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster and public spokesman of the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, as well as the sponsor of several teams of X-Men, has been shot and is in critical condition.

Speaking on behalf of the X-Men, Scott Summers announced, "Professor Xavier is in the intensive care facility of a hospital we choose not to name, for their own protection. His condition is critical but, we hope and pray, not terminal. He was shot by Lucas Bishop, a former teammate, who is now at large. I am taking this opportunity to announce that, with Professor X gone, we are formally disbanding the X-Men entirely."

Summers' announcement came as little surprise to the superhuman community.

"They've shouldered their share of the world's burdens," said Thor, speaking from New Asgard, Oklahoma. "If they choose to set aside their role, I cannot fault them."

"We haven't assessed the significance of this development," said Tony Stark (aka Iron Man), director of SHIELD. "Naturally we would have hoped that the mutant community would choose to register, following passage of the Superhuman Registration Act, but if they are not acting or intending to act as 'superheroes'-- I suppose the point becomes moot."

"Hulk smash! No, just kidding. Seriously, I know what it's like to be hunted and hated," said Bruce Banner, who is currently in an undisclosed location following the devastation of World War Hulk. "Frankly, if I was them, I'd have gotten off this dirtball ages ago. I... oh geez. Okay, maybe not. Leaving Earth doesn't seem to end well."

BPD will continue to provide updates on Professor X's condition.

UPDATE: The X-Men admitted today that they have no idea where their mentor, Charles Xavier, is at this time.

"It's true, we totally lost track of him," said Scott 'Cyclops' Summers, the disbanded team's former leader. "We made up the story about him being in an unnamed hospital. See, in the chaos of seeing Bishop's arm bitten off by Predator X (and him shooting the Professor, too) and having to let Cable run off with a messiah baby, plus realizing I'm not crippled by the loss of... um, that is, I guess we just dropped the ball. I know if the Professor were here, we'd be having a good chuckle about now. Guess I'd be getting a D for handling this little exercise, if we were back in the Danger Room.

"Oh, and we're still disbanded, so stop calling the mansion. Really."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Hulk Downgraded from 'Incredible...'

NEW YORK, NY - Due to his recent attacks on Manhattan and his vendetta against America's foremost heroes, the Hulk has been officially downgraded from "Incredible" to the more fitting "Irascible."

"We felt it was justified, changing to 'The Irascible Hulk,'" said Marvel News Group editor-in-chief Joe Quesada. "His actions have been pretty cranky. I have news footage of him kicking a puppy, for heaven's sake! No, he's no longer 'incredible' in our coverage. If this keeps up, we may even have to change his official adjective to 'Irritating' or even 'Abominable'. Though that might confuse him with the Abomination... ah well, we'll think of something really nasty. Hey! 'The Nasty Hulk!' I like it!"

Representatives for the Hulk had no official comment, except to say that "Green Scar is the Green King is the Hulk is Holku... whatever you want to call him, it doesn't really matter. He smashes wherever he likes."

Stan Lee, press agent for many prominent superheroes, said, "This is crazy! The Hulk, not Incredible? Not on my watch, true believers! Excelsior!" Lee was restrained before he could "rush to the rescue" of the green behemoth, who continues to reshape midtown Manhattan into a crude copy of a gladiatorial arena.

The Hulk recently announced his intention to make his defeated enemies battle each other in mortal combat, as he had to do on the planet Sakaar, as a gladiatorial slave of the Red King. Naturally, his earthbound sympathizers in the superhero community are dismayed.

More news as it develops.

Hulk artwork and logo copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved; Stan Lee photo copyright Stan Lee, all rights reserved

Slugfest in the BPD Offices (again!)

Metahumans Have No Respect, Laments Publisher Sherin

BPD WORLD HQ - Some work environments are a little more stressful than others. The core of a nuclear power plant, the operating room of a world-famous brain surgeon, the Ancient One's library... Skywatch (take your pick which one, they all crashed after awhile).

They ain't got nothin' on BPD.

We'd love to update today-- there are some really spiffy news items about a litter of atomic kittens born on Oolong Island, Booster Gold finding out that "53" is pretty important too, and the assembled trolls of ElfQuest going on strike for better working conditions-- but the Hulk and Thor are having at it in our newsroom.

Mjolnir just smashed [undecipherable] and [connection lost--switching to auxiliary feed]

...blows, y'know? How many... oh, we're live again. It seems Thor took a little hop from Oklahoma to visit his Avengers pals and catch up—him being dead and all until just recently—and Hulk figured his one-time Avenger buddy was coming to get his licks (hey, he didn't just kick Illuminati butt). So now they're scrapping and we [connection lost--switching to main feed]

...AMMIT!! This happens one more... and we're back.

We have to evacuate the offices, folks. Damage Control is telling us the building is structurally weakened and will [connection lost--feed lost]

BREAKING NEWS:

[sent from local Starbucks]

Okay, everyone, we'll be back on Friday. Probably.

Looking for more news on Hulk and Thor? Look no farther than http://www.marvel.com/

Thor/Hulk artwork is copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Hulk's Kitchen

By Roberto Ortiz, BPD Newbie

SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON – In a cross promotion mash up Marvel Comics and Fox Entertainment announced a special edition of the cooking reality series Hell’s Kitchen, to be aired in the late fall or as a mid season replacement.

In this version, world-renowned chef [read bully] Gordon Ramsay takes a group of high-powered, neo-cooks into what could only be described as culinary hell: screaming, burned risottos and high stress to earn the right to operate a top restaurant.

About a month ago, a number of high-profile friends and family of superheroes were selected to participate on the show, including Edwin Jarvis, Wong, May Reilly Parker and Foggy Nelson. But, at the last minute, Dr. Henry "Hank" P. McCoy was replaced by a surprise contestant: Bruce Banner.

According to sources close to the production this addition was done without the direct approval of Fox Entertainment. Agents for those appearing on the program counter-claim that they were pressured by Fox to "Amp up the star power on the show."

Making a potential tragedy worse, nobody warned Chef Ramsay about the special bipolar condition that afflicts Mr. Banner. According to some reports, Dr. Banner had run low on his prescription tranquilizers at the time.

During the broadcast, survivors report that Dr. Banner's inability to make a “perfectly round and delicious” chicken croquet led to an advanced stage of agitation; he became a special target of Ramsay's expletive laced abuse. The chef was especially angry at Banner's apparent inability to cook spaghetti al dente. The last words before turning into a seven-foot green behemoth were "PUNY HUMAN! HULK THE GOURMET ONE!"

Late last night, Ramsay was admitted to Holy Cross hospital in LA, where surgeons worked unsuccessfully to remove a Beef Wellington from his lower intestine. He will be flown back to his native UK for reconstructive and bypass surgeries.

At press time, Dr. Banner remained at large but was last seen wearing a tattered Hell’s Kitchen apron which had inexplicably turned purple.