Professor X Shot, Mortally Injured, Still Missing

SALEM CENTER, N.Y. - Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster and public spokesman of the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, as well as the sponsor of several teams of X-Men, has been shot and is in critical condition.

Speaking on behalf of the X-Men, Scott Summers announced, "Professor Xavier is in the intensive care facility of a hospital we choose not to name, for their own protection. His condition is critical but, we hope and pray, not terminal. He was shot by Lucas Bishop, a former teammate, who is now at large. I am taking this opportunity to announce that, with Professor X gone, we are formally disbanding the X-Men entirely."

Summers' announcement came as little surprise to the superhuman community.

"They've shouldered their share of the world's burdens," said Thor, speaking from New Asgard, Oklahoma. "If they choose to set aside their role, I cannot fault them."

"We haven't assessed the significance of this development," said Tony Stark (aka Iron Man), director of SHIELD. "Naturally we would have hoped that the mutant community would choose to register, following passage of the Superhuman Registration Act, but if they are not acting or intending to act as 'superheroes'-- I suppose the point becomes moot."

"Hulk smash! No, just kidding. Seriously, I know what it's like to be hunted and hated," said Bruce Banner, who is currently in an undisclosed location following the devastation of World War Hulk. "Frankly, if I was them, I'd have gotten off this dirtball ages ago. I... oh geez. Okay, maybe not. Leaving Earth doesn't seem to end well."

BPD will continue to provide updates on Professor X's condition.

UPDATE: The X-Men admitted today that they have no idea where their mentor, Charles Xavier, is at this time.

"It's true, we totally lost track of him," said Scott 'Cyclops' Summers, the disbanded team's former leader. "We made up the story about him being in an unnamed hospital. See, in the chaos of seeing Bishop's arm bitten off by Predator X (and him shooting the Professor, too) and having to let Cable run off with a messiah baby, plus realizing I'm not crippled by the loss of... um, that is, I guess we just dropped the ball. I know if the Professor were here, we'd be having a good chuckle about now. Guess I'd be getting a D for handling this little exercise, if we were back in the Danger Room.

"Oh, and we're still disbanded, so stop calling the mansion. Really."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Tragic Collision On Rainbow Bridge

ASGARD, OK - In the early hours of Sunday morning, Thor's chariot trampled Rainbow Brite's horse Starlite in the most tragic of enchanted goat/horse collisions.

Brite, 23, was thrown from Starlite and received multiple fractures and contusions before coming to rest at the bottom of the Rainbow Bridge. Starlite was not so lucky.

Authorities at the scene described the Thunder God as "highly inebriated" and "smelling of mead," but Thor, 1,014, was quick to dispute the DUI.

"Twas' but a moment after we were away from Asgard before a blinding glow appeared before mine eyes. When it passed, yon girl and frilly horse were before Toothgnasher and Toothgrinder." He shook his blond-tressed head in grief. "If only I was the god of speed, this tragedy would not have come to pass."

Heimdall, guardian of the gates of Asgard, witnessed most of the collision. "I followed Thor's path for the first hundred miles, " Heimdall explained before a godly blush colored his cheeks. "Then, fair Brunnhilde arrived, and well, she is distracting. I overhead a terrible crash and looked out to see Thor's chariot come to a stop near the felled beast."

Brunnhilde, the Defender known as Valkyrie, later informed me she was nowhere in the vicinity of the Rainbow Bridge. That is, until she was called to pick up Starlite. "I don't know who Heimdall saw, but it wasn't me," she insisted.

Officer Ian Kol, the first policeman on the scene, stands by his report of Thor's inebriation. Officer Kol wants Thor placed under arrest, but proceedings have been halted due to Thor's under-defined diplomatic status. "He should take the fall," demanded Kol. "I'm tired of 'celebrities' getting away with willful misconduct. It's high time my br-, uh, Thor, yes, Thor pays for his arrogance."

Rainbow Brite is listed in critical but stable condition; Brunnhilde has no plans to visit her as yet.

Slugfest in the BPD Offices (again!)

Metahumans Have No Respect, Laments Publisher Sherin

BPD WORLD HQ - Some work environments are a little more stressful than others. The core of a nuclear power plant, the operating room of a world-famous brain surgeon, the Ancient One's library... Skywatch (take your pick which one, they all crashed after awhile).

They ain't got nothin' on BPD.

We'd love to update today-- there are some really spiffy news items about a litter of atomic kittens born on Oolong Island, Booster Gold finding out that "53" is pretty important too, and the assembled trolls of ElfQuest going on strike for better working conditions-- but the Hulk and Thor are having at it in our newsroom.

Mjolnir just smashed [undecipherable] and [connection lost--switching to auxiliary feed]

...blows, y'know? How many... oh, we're live again. It seems Thor took a little hop from Oklahoma to visit his Avengers pals and catch up—him being dead and all until just recently—and Hulk figured his one-time Avenger buddy was coming to get his licks (hey, he didn't just kick Illuminati butt). So now they're scrapping and we [connection lost--switching to main feed]

...AMMIT!! This happens one more... and we're back.

We have to evacuate the offices, folks. Damage Control is telling us the building is structurally weakened and will [connection lost--feed lost]

BREAKING NEWS:

[sent from local Starbucks]

Okay, everyone, we'll be back on Friday. Probably.

Looking for more news on Hulk and Thor? Look no farther than http://www.marvel.com/

Thor/Hulk artwork is copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved