Spider-Man: "BND... WTF??"

NEW YORK CITY - At a midtown press conference today, Spider-Man announced that he's as confused as anyone else about his recent bout of retcontinence.

"I thought there was something wrong a few years ago," the wallcrawler said. "Sort of like an itch you can't scratch, the feeling that something really terrible has happened. I had nightmares of clones, unmasking myself on live TV, fighting against Captain America, even getting married... and now I wake up and I'm living in, uh, forget that part. I mean, what's a guy to do when he doesn't even know what's real from one second to the next?"

Even Spider-Man's most diehard enemies are at a loss.

"Don't blame me!" Mysterio insisted. "Yeah, I know this sounds like classic me-- mess with Spidey's head and laugh my ass off-- but I swear, this is not my doing. Like I need some version of the Avengers breathing down my neck."

"This is another ploy to gain sympathy for that webheaded menace," snarled J. Jonah Jameson, publisher of the Daily Bugle. "Don't fall for it! He's a threat... or a menace... and whatever his story is, we'd be better off if he was telling it from a nice cozy cell in one of those fancy super-prisons."

"Spider-Man is misunderstood," said Captain America, who then added, "Wait, am I still dead? Darn it!"

"I understand Spider-Man's situation very well," said Iron Man. "Who hasn't had their entire existence, er, rewritten a few times? Hell, I could use a backstory rewrite myself about now."

Spider-Man added that, whatever changes seem to be taking place around him, he's still the same friendly neighborhood superhero everyone's known for the past... ambiguous number of years. "Yeah, sometimes I wear red-and-blue, sometimes black-and-white, sometimes I go on berserk vengeance sprees or make bad deals with a supernatural evil I've never encountered before, but I'm the same guy! Honest!"

And with that, he used his mechanical webshooters to take to the skies above New York.