"Parasol Curriculum" Advanced by Local School Board

HACKENSACK, NJ - The Hackensack Board of Education suggested adopting a new "Parasol Curriculum" in order to keep up with other, more progressive educational institutions. This curriculum relies heavily upon identifying metahuman students at an early age, pushing them to develop their abilities as children, and then using these children as weapons for the benefit of society.

"We know these kids are going to put on costumes and get in trouble," said Superintendant Frank Graziano. "We just figure--if they're going to risk their lives anyway, we might as well get some use out of them first." Upon advice from the Board's attorney, Dr. Graziano amended his remarks to "No comment."

The school board specifically noted a mythical "Umbrella Academy" as the reason for instituting a drastic change in the school's lesson plans. Further news as it develops.

Umbrella Academy artwork by Gabriel Ba, copyright Dark Horse Comics, all rights reserved