Is Your Mutant Power Omega-Level?

By Mutant Affairs Correspondent
Mike Carey

There’s a lot of talk about omega-level mutants, and you probably have a friend or a family member who claims to be one. Or maybe, who used to claim to be one before the mind-numbing cosmic tragedy known as the Decimation. Maybe you even suspect that your own mutation puts you in that elite and special club.

But what does “omega-level” mean? Really? Does it have something to do with fish oil, or the ability to get to the end of the Greek alphabet? Could you think you’re omega-level when really you’re stuck on level tau or upsilon or one of those other loser-ific levels on the way to the magic O. Is there a reliable, objective measurement of omega status?

Well, no, there isn’t. But our mutant affairs correspondent Mike Carey, who seems to spend most of his mornings looking out of the window and making paper clip sculptures, somehow found the time to compile this handy self-diagnosis test. Is Your Mutant Power Omega-level? Take the test and find out. A score of 36 or above wins you a part-scholarship to the prestigious Xavier Academy of Higher Learning. 31-35 gets you the recliner or the matching luggage – your choice.

Offer void in mutie-hating states, or to relatives, employees or known associates of the Trask family.

Remember to post your results!

Complete the following statement. “My mutant ability gives me absolute control over…

(a)…the raw, pulsating energies of the universe itself.”

(b) magnetism, heat, cold, gravity, light, sound, electricity, earth, air, fire, water, inertia, momentum, human consciousness or a combo of the above.”

(c) my own bodily functions, most of the time.”

(d) certain small rodents of the shrew and vole families.”




When you use your mutant power, which of the following comments is most likely to be heard in the immediate aftermath


(a) Truly this is the ending of days!

(b) I’ve - - I’ve never seen anything like it. Except at Jimmy’s house that one time when we’d all been drinking bong water.

(c) Someone’s going to clear this mess up, and it isn’t going to be me.

(d) Very good, dear. But we’re playing Mah-Jong, so please keep the noise down.




You’re face-to-face with your most powerful adversary, and he’s about to cut loose at you with some super power that will make your brain squirt out of your head like the sausage from a tightly squeezed finger roll. Do you


(a) gesture contemptuously and fling him all the way to Passaic, NJ with a telekinetic whammy?

(b) focus your power into one last, desperate burst and deflect enough of his killing blow so that you just need a band-aid and a little lie-down?

(c) say “Hey, look at that cloud, it’s shaped like a Buick” and run away while he’s looking?

(d) awaken with a new brain and a nose job, several crossovers later?




So you’ve scored with a cute chick/guy or some variation thereof, and it’s back to his/her/their/its place for some hot mutant-on-mutant action. But before you can get down to it, you have to warn your partner for this evening’s programme that…


(a) …if you lose control during sex, you may reduce the world to a pile of loose chippings.

(b) …if you lose control during sex, you may absorb the life energies of everyone for many miles around.

(c) …if you lose control during sex, the bed will probably break or catch fire and it might therefore be an idea to check whether or not it’s still in guarantee.

(d) …if you lose control during sex, you sound like Mickey Mouse for a good half hour afterwards.




A school bus full of innocent tots is about to go over a cliff, and you’re the only mutant on-site. How do you deal with the situation?


(a) Casually reach back in time to the Jurassic era and flatten the landscape with a huge mind-blast, so that in the present day there is no cliff.

(b) Temporarily annul the force of gravity.

(c) Sacrifice yourself heroically by absorbing the kinetic energy of the bus, bringing it safely to a stop even as you die an agonising death from friction burns.

(d) Telepathically notify the next-of-kin.




It’s inter-company crossover time! What’s your role?


(a) I tear reality a new orifice and put everything right again just when it seems as though everything is lost.

(b) I lead the heroes of three universes in a last-ditch, all-out battle against the Anti-Everything-Guy.

(c) I get some cool character moments about halfway through the book and a love scene with Green Lantern/Wonder Woman/Krypto.

(d) I get killed to show that the bad guys are playing for keeps.




What sound effect does your power make when it’s used?


(a) TSCHAKKKKKKKKKKKK

(b) SNIKT and/or BAMF

(c) VEEEEEEEE

(d) ping




If they ever put you into one of the X-Men movie line-ups, what music might be slotted into the soundtrack to accompany your big on-screen action moments?


(a) Mars, from the Planets Suite

(b) The Ride of the Valkyries

(c) Mack the Knife

(d) The Teddy Bears’ Picnic




What phrase best describes the way you interact with the rest of society?


(a) You find people fascinating. Some day you may decide to make some for yourself.

(b) You’re hated and feared by a world you’re sworn to protect.

(c) You’re hated and feared by some of the smaller kids on the block and by Mrs. Fruitle in number 63.

(d) You’re largely ignored, except when it’s take-out-the-trash time.




How many times have you come back from the dead


(a) Seven or more. I am fire and life incarnate, and cannot die.

(b) Just the once, but it was pretty damn dramatic.

(c) I didn’t come back, but I’m a clone of the original me from an alternate timeline.

(d) I had my appendix out once

SCORING
Award yourself four points for every A answer, three points for every B answer, two points for every C answer and one point for every D answer. You should obtain a score within the range 10-40. Interpret your scores using the grid below.

36-40
Man, you put the ohhhhhh in omega. You’re operating on a cosmic level there, friend, and you’ve got some sweet, sweet moves. Keep doing that thing you do, and watch out for any tendency to become a “dark” version of yourself. The first hints are usually radical colour changes to your costume and the extinguishing of all life on a civilised world.

27-35
You’re not quite up in the omega league yet, but nobody can deny that you’re the best there is at what you do. We’d even wager that what you do best isn’t nice. Keep up the good work, and please don’t kill us.

19-26
Hmmm. You’ve got a way to go yet, but you could still be promising Xavier Academy material if you push yourself to the limit and keep dreaming the dream. Your powers are mildly impressive, you occasionally manage to save the day against all the odds, and you can always hope for that secondary mutation to kick in. Okay, it could be tentacles, but what can you do?

10-18
Your X-gene is probably just a > gene and a < gene that got stuck together. Frankly, you’re an embarrassment. Omega level? Omega level? My friend, you’re Kandoo level. I mean who are you kidding? Your mutant power is to make your left nipple slightly luminous. Go home. Get a job. Don’t ever come here again.
Go on.

We mean it.


NEXT WEEK: exactly how dark am I?

This Pop Quiz Provided By Mike Carey, Esquire. All prize inquiries should should be directed to him care of mikecarey.net
[i.e and forthwith we don't know nuttin' bout no scholarships]