The Devil You Know or Look Y'all We Famous!

BPD WORLD HQ - Things have gotten mad hectic around these parts. Not only are we dodging the floating trans-dimensional riffs plaguing our offices but: Drew's writing his first novel while editing an OGN, I'm editing several novels—amongst other projects *heh heh heh*, Kat is muse to a popular illustrator with an upcoming DKNY line (shhhh!), Martin is protecting superheroes from Secret Identity Theft, Big Mike has started a love thang with Justin Timberlake, Devon is off to Capri with Halle, Rosario and Charlize (damn that boy is good!), Brandon! is being sued by Mike Carey for Skrull accusations, Ulie is off world consulting the GL Corps on efficiency aka laying the smackdown on the Sinestro Corps, and the go*d@~m Jon Hex is busy being a bigger bad ass than Dashiell Bad Horse.

What does all this mean? We may fall a bit behind schedule from time to time. But, we'd rather bring you great, imaginative stories than rushed meanderings.









In the meantime get to know the devil. No, no, no, I mean check out The Devil You Know, Vicious Circle and Dead Men's Boots from the Felix Castor Series by Mike Carey.

How 'bout that swank t-shirt Mike is rocking. Look Ma! We Famous!

Is Your Mutant Power Omega-Level?

By Mutant Affairs Correspondent
Mike Carey

There’s a lot of talk about omega-level mutants, and you probably have a friend or a family member who claims to be one. Or maybe, who used to claim to be one before the mind-numbing cosmic tragedy known as the Decimation. Maybe you even suspect that your own mutation puts you in that elite and special club.

But what does “omega-level” mean? Really? Does it have something to do with fish oil, or the ability to get to the end of the Greek alphabet? Could you think you’re omega-level when really you’re stuck on level tau or upsilon or one of those other loser-ific levels on the way to the magic O. Is there a reliable, objective measurement of omega status?

Well, no, there isn’t. But our mutant affairs correspondent Mike Carey, who seems to spend most of his mornings looking out of the window and making paper clip sculptures, somehow found the time to compile this handy self-diagnosis test. Is Your Mutant Power Omega-level? Take the test and find out. A score of 36 or above wins you a part-scholarship to the prestigious Xavier Academy of Higher Learning. 31-35 gets you the recliner or the matching luggage – your choice.

Offer void in mutie-hating states, or to relatives, employees or known associates of the Trask family.

Remember to post your results!

Complete the following statement. “My mutant ability gives me absolute control over…

(a)…the raw, pulsating energies of the universe itself.”

(b) magnetism, heat, cold, gravity, light, sound, electricity, earth, air, fire, water, inertia, momentum, human consciousness or a combo of the above.”

(c) my own bodily functions, most of the time.”

(d) certain small rodents of the shrew and vole families.”




When you use your mutant power, which of the following comments is most likely to be heard in the immediate aftermath


(a) Truly this is the ending of days!

(b) I’ve - - I’ve never seen anything like it. Except at Jimmy’s house that one time when we’d all been drinking bong water.

(c) Someone’s going to clear this mess up, and it isn’t going to be me.

(d) Very good, dear. But we’re playing Mah-Jong, so please keep the noise down.




You’re face-to-face with your most powerful adversary, and he’s about to cut loose at you with some super power that will make your brain squirt out of your head like the sausage from a tightly squeezed finger roll. Do you


(a) gesture contemptuously and fling him all the way to Passaic, NJ with a telekinetic whammy?

(b) focus your power into one last, desperate burst and deflect enough of his killing blow so that you just need a band-aid and a little lie-down?

(c) say “Hey, look at that cloud, it’s shaped like a Buick” and run away while he’s looking?

(d) awaken with a new brain and a nose job, several crossovers later?




So you’ve scored with a cute chick/guy or some variation thereof, and it’s back to his/her/their/its place for some hot mutant-on-mutant action. But before you can get down to it, you have to warn your partner for this evening’s programme that…


(a) …if you lose control during sex, you may reduce the world to a pile of loose chippings.

(b) …if you lose control during sex, you may absorb the life energies of everyone for many miles around.

(c) …if you lose control during sex, the bed will probably break or catch fire and it might therefore be an idea to check whether or not it’s still in guarantee.

(d) …if you lose control during sex, you sound like Mickey Mouse for a good half hour afterwards.




A school bus full of innocent tots is about to go over a cliff, and you’re the only mutant on-site. How do you deal with the situation?


(a) Casually reach back in time to the Jurassic era and flatten the landscape with a huge mind-blast, so that in the present day there is no cliff.

(b) Temporarily annul the force of gravity.

(c) Sacrifice yourself heroically by absorbing the kinetic energy of the bus, bringing it safely to a stop even as you die an agonising death from friction burns.

(d) Telepathically notify the next-of-kin.




It’s inter-company crossover time! What’s your role?


(a) I tear reality a new orifice and put everything right again just when it seems as though everything is lost.

(b) I lead the heroes of three universes in a last-ditch, all-out battle against the Anti-Everything-Guy.

(c) I get some cool character moments about halfway through the book and a love scene with Green Lantern/Wonder Woman/Krypto.

(d) I get killed to show that the bad guys are playing for keeps.




What sound effect does your power make when it’s used?


(a) TSCHAKKKKKKKKKKKK

(b) SNIKT and/or BAMF

(c) VEEEEEEEE

(d) ping




If they ever put you into one of the X-Men movie line-ups, what music might be slotted into the soundtrack to accompany your big on-screen action moments?


(a) Mars, from the Planets Suite

(b) The Ride of the Valkyries

(c) Mack the Knife

(d) The Teddy Bears’ Picnic




What phrase best describes the way you interact with the rest of society?


(a) You find people fascinating. Some day you may decide to make some for yourself.

(b) You’re hated and feared by a world you’re sworn to protect.

(c) You’re hated and feared by some of the smaller kids on the block and by Mrs. Fruitle in number 63.

(d) You’re largely ignored, except when it’s take-out-the-trash time.




How many times have you come back from the dead


(a) Seven or more. I am fire and life incarnate, and cannot die.

(b) Just the once, but it was pretty damn dramatic.

(c) I didn’t come back, but I’m a clone of the original me from an alternate timeline.

(d) I had my appendix out once

SCORING
Award yourself four points for every A answer, three points for every B answer, two points for every C answer and one point for every D answer. You should obtain a score within the range 10-40. Interpret your scores using the grid below.

36-40
Man, you put the ohhhhhh in omega. You’re operating on a cosmic level there, friend, and you’ve got some sweet, sweet moves. Keep doing that thing you do, and watch out for any tendency to become a “dark” version of yourself. The first hints are usually radical colour changes to your costume and the extinguishing of all life on a civilised world.

27-35
You’re not quite up in the omega league yet, but nobody can deny that you’re the best there is at what you do. We’d even wager that what you do best isn’t nice. Keep up the good work, and please don’t kill us.

19-26
Hmmm. You’ve got a way to go yet, but you could still be promising Xavier Academy material if you push yourself to the limit and keep dreaming the dream. Your powers are mildly impressive, you occasionally manage to save the day against all the odds, and you can always hope for that secondary mutation to kick in. Okay, it could be tentacles, but what can you do?

10-18
Your X-gene is probably just a > gene and a < gene that got stuck together. Frankly, you’re an embarrassment. Omega level? Omega level? My friend, you’re Kandoo level. I mean who are you kidding? Your mutant power is to make your left nipple slightly luminous. Go home. Get a job. Don’t ever come here again.
Go on.

We mean it.


NEXT WEEK: exactly how dark am I?

This Pop Quiz Provided By Mike Carey, Esquire. All prize inquiries should should be directed to him care of mikecarey.net
[i.e and forthwith we don't know nuttin' bout no scholarships]

PLACES: BPD's Travel Guide Pt 2

Visit Beautiful Zenn-La!

ZENN-LA – A quiet and pastoral planet conveniently located in the Microverse (not to be confused with the Nanoverse), Zenn-La is a paradise for spa enthusiasts and those who really want to get away from it all! Blessed with a temperate climate and low-tech, peaceful culture, the natives of Zenn-La are so welcoming, you’ll feel like part of the family in no time.

The planet is ruled by Revka Temerlune*, a sovereign who has the hearts of his people firmly in his hand. He has ruled Zenn-La for millennia, guiding the populace with wisdom and compassion before Terran humanity discovered fire. You might expect that he is a distant figure but nothing could be further from the truth; in fact, personal audiences with him can be booked now through your travel agent!

His chief ‘searcher’ and Zenn-La’s foremost pitchman, Norrin Radd, explains: “Our ruler commands only the happiness of his people. It is a gentle place to live, with no crime, no disruption, no dissent against the cheer and good nature that each and every Zenn-Laan enjoys from cradle to grave. We daily give thanks to our leader for his benevolence, his guidance and his certainty that he knows what is best for every citizen of Zenn-La.”

Visitors to Zenn-La will enjoy the relaxing and quiet lifestyle, offering the opportunity to wash away all of one’s cares. You’ll be amazed at how quickly the past becomes unimportant. Taking part in native ceremonies adds to the sensation that you are not only a welcome arrival—you are part of Zenn-La.

Places of interest on Zenn-La include a statue dedicated to Norrin Radd and the Royal Palace. There are also extensive farmlands and villages, using quaint, old-fashioned farming technologies that our 18th century ancestors would find familiar. Although there are machines on Zenn-La of indescribable antiquity, viewing them is strictly prohibited… if one can even find them, that is.

So come to scenic, peaceful Zenn-La and forget all your worries! In a few hours, you’ll feel like you’ve lived here your whole life… and you’ll never want to leave.

BPD is proud to declare Zenn-La our DESTINATION OF THE WEEK!

For more information, contact SilverTours at 1-800-555-ZNLA.

Next Time: ...we're keeping that our little secret for now

PS, a note for all you high-tech gadgeteers and mutants: psi-blocking devices and powers are illegal on Zenn-La

A special thanks to Marvel News senior foreign correspondent Mike Carey, whose personal guided tour of Zenn-La has been unexpectedly extended. Have fun on vacation, Mike! Mike's last account of his sojourn to Zenn-La, in ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR #45, is on sale today! And if you see him in Zenn-La, tell him BPD says hi and we'll check in on or around Waking Day.

*Our article originally gave His Majesty's named incorrectly spelled; we're correcting this error and apologize to His Majesty

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Mike Carey Interview Part 2: The Sequel (This Time It's Personal)

BPD WORLD HQ - Part 2 of our exciting interview with preeminent journalist for Marvel News and the Supernatural Realms, Mike Carey. Present at this great event were: Mike (of course), Drew, Sherin and respective counsel for each party, Matt Murdock and Brandon Aiko.

NOTE: Mr. Carey expressed a concern that his 5th amendment rights not be impinged upon and insisted Mr. Murdock be involved. We, for our part, had more 'metamorphic' concerns. Identity issues, one might say.

LEGEND: Mike Carey in rust text BPD orange tag

Check out Part 1: The Prequel here

BPD: You've recently seen the release of the first of a series of 'biofics' here in the States, the 'unauthorized autobiography' (part one) of exorcist Felix Castor AKA The Devil You Know. How much of Castor's story were you allowed to use and how much was, um, "enhanced" for the book?

The real Felix Castor runs a chip shop in Walworth. But he’s a mate of Constantine’s, and after the movie and everything Constantine had a lot of friends in Hollywood. Keanu winked and tapped his nose. Deals were made. Money changed hands. This is a sordid business. How much of Castor’s story is real? He really has a sign that says ERADICATIONS. I think he got it from a pest control company because it’s also got a cartoon cockroach on it. The rest is all bollocks.


BPD: What's been happening with Castor lately? BPD hears that London is buzzing with supernatural badness these days.

It is a bit much, to be honest. You can’t spit without hitting a zombie. On the plus side, if you’re looking for some action with the sisters of Baphomet you don’t have to look very far.


BPD: Are there such things as Skrull ghosts? Can they look like other ghosts? [Drew and Sherin wrestle for control of the microphone. Brandon awaits an answer with bated breath]

This guy here? He’s my legal counsel. You’re harassing me now. This is harassment.


BPD: You also cover a variety of supernaturally powered young women, under titles like: My Faith in Frankie, Crossing Midnight and Faker. What made the subjects of these pieces reveal their stories to you in such candid and delightful ways?

I put a lot of work into those assignments, and I’m kind of proud of the results. Basically I went undercover, disguised myself as a teenaged girl and went back to high school for several semesters. I won’t say it wasn’t tough – particularly the netball games and the home economics lessons – but the results were well worth it. Jessie Kidby was a harder nut to crack, though. I had to give her money.


BPD: We imagine working the supernatural and superhero beats can get to be stressful at times. Taking a break from the "super" for awhile, you're also publishing "slice of life" pieces such as 'Re-Gifters' and 'Confessions Of A Blabbermouth' (with daughter and author in her own right Louise)—What's it like switching between super-street beats and human interest stories?

Human interest stuff is a little problematic because I’m not actually all that interested in humans. Even now, talking to you guys, I’m practically dozing off. I was lied to on the Re-Gifters stuff. Someone told me there’d be magic involved. A cursed party favor at the very least.


BPD: We've heard tell you, Castor and Constantine get together for an, infamous, drink night once a year. When? Where? And how much fun is that!?! Who wins at mah-jongg? Who cheats?

I’ll tell you who pays for all the drinks, anyway.

On second thoughts, guess.

Constantine is a dangerous man to be around when he’s in his cups. He turned me into a newt once.

I got better.


BPD: What's next for the twin stars of Midnight Crossing, Kai and Toshi? Give us all the dirt, please?

Who knows? I don’t speak a lot of Japanese, and my phrase book was published in Norway, so I’m only about fifty per cent sure that I’ve got the story right so far. That guy Aratsu? He could be a cutlery salesman. And the line about him cutting away Toshi’s past and future may have been a mistranslation. He might have said “I’m giving you layers here to bring out the natural bounce.”


BPD: Lastly, what else is coming up for Mike Carey? The Pulitzer, or the Stan Lee Award for Distinguished Reporting?

I’m happy if I’m just getting paid. And not having my internal organs breakfasted on.


BPD: Us too Mike. Us too.

Visit Mike's blog for more (and validation this is a real interview) at http://www.mikecarey.net/.

And you can find his first Felix Castor novel here. Or if you're really anxious, and filthy rich, and/or British, visit Amazon.co.uk and get them all!

Mwah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Mike Carey, Stardust and Some Guy Named Bailey

BPD HEADQUARTERS - It's been a really good couple of weeks for BPD. First off, we'll be presenting a two part Mike Carey interview this week. Thanks to our tireless reporting Mike actually admits all the folks he writes about are real. Goodbye tabloid status!

You don't believe us do you? Honest. Check out these comments on Mike's very own blog for validation. Go ahead, page 3, second comment... We've been doing the happy dance-conga line all around the office.

In case you're wondering; Mike Carey is one of those truly great people you meet and have to tell everyone about. Thanks Mike!

Look for our interview hi-jinks on Wednesday and Friday.

Secondly, a few of us went to a screening of Stardust last Thursday. (Many thanks to Brent and Nexus Society) We had the pleasure of taking our good friend Matt Bailey, of The Truth Is Out Where?, along. Next thing you know Bailey had written this snazzy little review. Badda Bing Badda Boom Neil Gaiman links to it from his online journal! To paraphrase Prince: jealousy's too weak to define just what that means to me.

Now where'd I put Doc Sampson's business card? Ahhh, got it. See ya!