This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 4, 2007

Luthor Makes Stunning Announcement

METROPOLIS – (LexCorp) In a 4 am press conference Lex Luthor released the stunning revelation that he is of African ancestry. “I am indeed a black man,” stated Luthor, resplendent in a three-piece Oswald Boateng. “Why so few of you have figured this out is quite beyond comprehension. Take note of the baldhead, incredible physique, broad shoulders and full lips. What else would I be?”

The mogul and man of science went on to say the accuracy of recent depictions—featured in dramatic reenactments such as Superman: The Animated series and Justice League Unlimited—have affirmed his belief the US is ready to accept his true nature. “I am the scion of Anton Wilhelm Amo on my father’s side and Aleksandr Pushkin on my mother’s. While Europe has long since accepted excellence from people of color, America still gives a brother a hard way to go.”

According to Luther, his desire to protect top hero, Superman, furthered the denial of his heritage. “I did not wish legions of Americans to become disillusioned. Even now I'll show détente and say the man-of-steel has...shall we say issues? Yes, we'll call them issues.” The follicle-challenged sultan of cool continued “Of course Superman knew my secret. How else would one explain his ceaseless persecution? Attacks on my personage and business dealings?” In an aside, Luthor hinted Superman’s issues might also stem from a need to throw the government 'off the scent' of his own illegal alien status. “Smoke and mirrors, friends. Smoke and mirrors.”

When asked about the red hue of his missing hair Luther lifted an eyebrow in apparent disdain. “Have you never seen The Five Heartbeats or heard of Malcolm X?”

News of Luthor’s admission spread through Metropolis like wildfire. On a short drive from LexCorp to the local KFC he was stopped, no less than, three times and issued DWB citations. An eyewitness report says Luthor pulled away from one officer while holding a black-fist out the window of his limousine and blaring Fight The Power by Public Enemy.

In related news: Panthro of the Thundercats, J’onn J’onzz the Martian Manhunter and Carol Channing, also black.

In other news: Lex Luthor vies with Bill Clinton for the title
'First Black President'

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