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Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 11, 2007

Snipes On Blade Cancellation: "I'd Write The &%^#ing Thing Myself!"

NIGERIA-- Vampire-killing hero Blade just can't catch a break. He had to chew off his own hand to prevent a little girl from being drained of her blood. His father's apparently a highly-connected vampire who's got Blade at the center of (another) mystical prophecy. His documentary movies have gotten progressively worse receptions at the box office, the television series didn't get picked up, and now his latest comic series has been dusted after a mere twelve issues.

And that's got actor Wesley Snipes seeing red. Blood red, to be exact.

"I'd write the $#@!ing thing myself," Snipes said from his current home in Nigeria, while he negotiates with the IRS on unpaid back taxes. "Blade said no one could play him better than I could, so why're they gettin' all these $#@!ing losers to play him like a chump?"

Blade allegedly personally picked Snipes to portray him in a series of "reality" movies documenting his career as a vampire hunter, produced by Marvel Entertainment Group. Although the first movie was a surprise hit, subsequent films received critical scorn and had deteriorating box-office returns. An attempt by filmmakers to chronicle Blade's subsequent adventures on the Spike TV network was also canceled after one season.

Snipes was highly critical of rapper/actor Kirk "Sticky Fingaz" Jones, director David Goyer's choice to succeed him as the one to portray Blade. "You see that no-account baldhead $#@!ing wannabe they got on that show?" he said at the time. "Blade doesn't even look like that! Never send a rapper to do an actor's job!"

Blade's latest comic series, written by television scribe Marc Guggenheim with art by Howard Chaykin, seemed to win support from the superhero and fan community alike. "I liked it, except for when I got turned into a vampire," said Spider-Man, whose recent encounter with Blade was documented in issue #1.

But sales dropped quickly, and even traumatic events like Blade receiving a machine gun to replace his lost hand and meetings with Wolverine and Spider-Man as a replacement for his lost hand couldn't keep fans' interest, or placate Snipes' wrath.

"They're drawing him like he's $#@!* Billy Dee Williams or some $#@!," he said. "He's got that busted Jheri Curl goin' and a %$#@! gun for a hand. A gun! His name is 'BLADE', mother%$#@!!!!"

"You wait and see. I'll get with my boy Blade and we'll do this up right. No more of this pansy-@$$ bull#$@!!"

When Snipes was asked how he, an actor with no previous experience writing comics, would handle relaunching "Blade," he became extremely belligerent. "What? Are you retarded? Don't you know who I am? I'M THE GODD@~N WESLEY SNIPES!"

Sources close to Snipes told the Bugle's Planet that Snipes wants the job to pay his back taxes, but Snipes refused to confirm the allegation.

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