This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 22, 2007

Iron Man To Endorse New Energy Drink

NEW YORK – After many a false start, urban legend, Haterade will finally be making its way to the market, naming Iron Man [Tony Stark] the face of the brand. Bottler Pelle Michaels—naysayer advocate and author of the bestselling book Hatin’ To Get Ahead—says Stark was an easy choice and “just stood out from the competition."

World renowned haters such as Bill O’Rilley and rapper 50 Centwho later bowed out due to an ironic affiliation with SmartWater—were in the running but “Iron Man is the true embodiment of what our product stands for and should be a hero to hater’s everywhere,” Michaels enthused. "What Gatorade is to the athlete, Haterade will be to the naysayer."

With the unbelievable jackassery Stark has displayed of late—pumping She-Hulk full of disempowering nanobots; shooting the Hulk into deep space; defying scores of individual human rights in his quest for a ‘Stark World Order’—it is no wonder he even beat out fellow Illuminati member Reed Richards for the prime endorsement deal. Michaels—who is also the Bizarro World counterpart of our own Big Mike Pellegrino—told BPD that Richards was a close second, but in the end “really didn’t look that great on camera. He has a limpness and flaccidity that just doesn’t bolster confidence.” [source: Namor "I Hit That"]

A full market launch is set for early spring. In the meantime, product makers will decide between taglines like “Because Subversion Is Thirsty Work,” “Bitchin’ Ain’t Easy” and “Wouldn’t You Like To Be A Jackass Too!”

Pelle Michaels’ long awaited follow up to Hatin’ To Get Ahead will drop in early July. Shipping under the title Hatin’ To Get Some Head, pre-sales look promising.

Art from New Avengers #18, by Steve McNiven.

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