This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 13, 2007

Flash: World's Fastest Fraud?

KEYSTONE CITY - Local attorney Giuseppe James thinks famed superhero The Flash is pulling a hoax over everyone, pretending to capture criminals with powers he doesn't have.

"I've never seen him actually do anything. And if he wants to keep that museum our tax dollars pay for, he should prove he's actually doing something," James said in a press conference this afternoon. "We, the fair citizens of Keystone, owe it ourselves to get the truth."

James, a relative unknown in local politics, has caused quite a stir with his repeated assertions that The Flash is a fake. His tirades have gotten the notice of city council members, and The Flash, himself.

When asked to prove his powers, the Scarlet Speedster turned slightly, and then handed me a Gotham Gazette, the late afternoon edition which would have only been available twenty minutes before.

But Giuseppe James has heard of many of The Flash's feats, and doubts them all.

"How many times must we see guns 'mysteriously' vanish from people's hands and see this Flash 'produce' objects from thin air before we call these 'feats' what they are. Tricks. And not even elaborate ones, at that." Mr. James then seemingly caused the podium to float for a few seconds to some shock and much applause. "Now that's a trick The Flash couldn't pull off. He's a David Blaine, at best!"

Not everyone is swayed by James' speeches. Everyday Keystonians are almost unanimously on the side of their fleet-footed hero. Bobby Nesmith, an accountant and community advocate, has unwavering faith in The Flash. "He's saved this town and the worlds many times, and many times over. How anyone can doubt that is beyond me."

Rachel Grant, a bank manager for Keystone Providential, was saved by The Flash not three moths ago from a robbery gone awry by Mirror Master. "He just rushed in, and yeah he broke a few of the windows and dented the countertops, but if it wasn't for Flash, well, that green helmet freak made some offensive threats to me."

With The Flash spending much of his time dealing with catastrophes and criminals, who knows when Giuseppe's claims will be verified or dismissed. James remains resolute in his claims.

"If he's so fast, why is he so slow to respond?"

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