Mephisto Reports Soul Harvest Down 6%

Blames "Ghost
Rider" Movie

UNDERWORLD - Evil bargain-meister Mephisto reports that souls claimed as a result of "faustian bargains" has dropped six percent... and the future outlook is not encouraging.

"It's because of that d**n 'Ghost Rider' movie," Mephisto said at a press conference earlier today. "Nick Cage made me look like a punk! What, I have a kid I can't control and a bunch of souls I can't collect? I might as well be the dad in a bad sitcom. What's next, God forecloses on my corner of Hell?"

The Souls Commodity Index listed Mephisto at a year-low $3,090,000 per share in active trading yesterday (down $556k), with a steeper falloff expected with today's negative report. The Heaven Consortium shows a net $1.2M increase since yesterday, amid reports that more people have gone to heaven in the past month.

"If this keeps up, I'll have to offer serious inducements to sign on the dotted line," Mephisto said. "A heart's desire is all well and good but sometimes you need to jazz it up a little. Blackheart's got a few ideas about us offering deals online, through eBay or something. I dunno, I'll think about it. Gotta keep up with the times, you know?"