This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 6, 2007

Miss Anthropic Almost
A Missus

WASHINGTON, DC – What should have been a happy occasion in the U.S. Botanic Gardens went decidedly left yesterday. First, Misanthropic Miss Poison Ivy discovered her boyfriend of 4 months, Jason Holland, was not a horticulturalist as he originally claimed but actually a Florist. Ivy abhors florists. “They parade the carcasses of blossoms around as though they’ve improved on nature. Florists? Piffle. More like funeral directors.”

Even with ambivalent feelings about Holland’s dishonesty, Ivy quickly forgot and forgave upon recollection of how well he “hits the walls and works the middle.” “It’s not easy to find a man that knows his way around a g-spot,” said Ivy placing a thoughtful finger to her cheek, “but what he did next completely canceled the thrill of the sugar stick.” Holland, hugely successful from his work on high profile funerals, whipped out a flawless purple adamite box and went down on one knee. He began to “drone on” about how a rare flower deserves a rare stone, recalled Ivy. “How he’d searched ‘far and wide, finally purchasing just such a stone from [billionaire playboy] Bruce Wayne.’ Quicker then you could say Hollywood and Vine the idiot popped the damnable thing of my finger!”

All hell, quite literally, broke loose as the ‘damnable thing’ in question was a gorgeous, platinum set, 4-carat, emerald cut White Kryptonite engagement ring. “He couldn’t be like most men and buy a ring that turns your finger green! Oh no!” shrieked Ivy from her suite at the Willard.

White Kryptonite is known for killing all plant life from all worlds within a roughly 12 yard radius (somehow the adamite had kept its powers at bay). Guards at the U.S Botanic Gardens, fearing for their jobs, quickly shot Holland in the knee caps. “It’s the age of Bush," said guard Neil Adamson, “the guy had to go down and fast.”

Ivy, calling on her remaining humanity, was able to remove the ring and shove it back into its box.

Afterwards, she called a gal pal confab to vent her frustrations. Fellow BPD reporter Kat Bittner and I were two of three guests invited to Ivy’s plush hotel digs. Close personal friend Harley Quinn was also on the scene. In an effort to lighten the mood Quinn presented Ivy with Holland’s disembodied, plasticized head—which she’d cleverly turned into a orchid planter. ‘BFF love, Harley’ was scrawled across the forehead in gold metallic ink. Kat and I made our excuses deciding to get the heck out of dodge, so to speak. In the wake of our hasty departure we heard Ivy call “But we’ve got ice cream.”

We almost went back.

Poison Kiss Art by Brian Apthorp. Graphitti Designs Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy t-shirt by Bruce Timm

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