This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Sep 19, 2007

Green Linked To Promiscuity

"Look at me. I'm absolutely irresistible.

You're thinking about eating me right now."

NYE COUNTY, NEVADA - It has long been thought the Spanish Fly, an emerald-green beetle in the family Meloidae, was a powerful aphrodisiac, but new studies show it is actually the insect's green color and not its chemical make-up that turns up the heat.

Spiritualist agree as green is the color of the heart chakra which is ruler of both pleasure and touch. Furthering this theory, the all female scientists of Nevada's famous Chicken Ranch have found that the sexual urges induced by green must be satisfied post-haste or risk debilitating side-effects like Pimpus Slapidus or Madamius Meltdownae.

The ladies believe this is especially true of heroes and meta-humans. One Chicken Head had this to say, "A hero or meta-human's sense of self is often thoroughly intertwined with their costume and/or mutation; which in turn becomes their primary means of relating to the world. The most resonant component of this 'identity' is color. Bottomline: You mix high levels of adrenalin, self-righteousness and any shade of green and BOOM it's liable to make your head blow off. Both of them."

This discovery has huge ramifications for those heroes who have often been reviled for their sexual appetites and proclivities. Green Arrow was relieved at the news, "I told Canary it could really hurt me if I didn't get it regular. Guess she owes me some apology."

She-Hulk was overjoyed, "All of you can quit calling me 'skank' behind my back. And by the way I DID NOT SLEEP WITH JUGGERNAUT, but even if I had, I couldn't help myself. It's an affliction."

When asked for his thoughts The Savage Dragon grinned wickedly but shook his head no, "I don't think it's the green—you know what I'm saying?" Speaking of wicked, The Witch of the West, Elphaba Thropp, can now call Glinda Goodwitch's persecution what it is. Intolerance. "I'm gettin' it. She ain't," said the emerald sex symbol whose pinups are the most downloaded in all of OZ.

Teasers like Beast Boy and Fire seemed confused by the findings and insisted they just flirt for fun. "I don't think it's my color at all," said Fire. "I'm just a hot blooded latina, j'know?" Green M&M was more forthcoming, "My aphrodisiac powers are legendary," said the spherical hottie. "Look at me. I'm absolutely irresistible. You're thinking about eating me right now."

Poisoness babe, Cheshire, claims to have known it all along and entreated, "Just ask my Babies' Daddies." Neither Catman nor Arsenal could be reached for comment.

In a rather disturbing side note: the Ladies of the Chicken Ranch claim their discovery was precipitated by frequent visits from a cone-headed, green man who offered Oreos in exchange for favors. The entity had yet to be identified at press time.



Gyuss Baaltar said...

Green M&M's aren't aphrodisiacs, everone knows they're birth control. All my babies' mamas told me so.

Devon Sanders said...

Green is the new Black.

Sherin said...

I thought the brown ones were birth control...oopsie