If the combined comic book universes had their equivalent of The Onion, this would be it. The BDP can be a bit hit and miss in its humor, but when it's on, it's on. The perfect tonic for those who take their funnybooks too seriously.
NEW YORK CITY - It has been one of the great mysteries for those of us who cover the superhero community. How does Wolverine manage to turn up just about everywhere?
We've confirmed he isn't a teleporter, his claws cannot cut holes in spacetime, and (despite being packed full of adamantium) he isn't a robot.
What does that leave? The answer is staggeringly obvious: Wolverine is in reality an army of clones.
"It caught us by surprise," admits Emma Frost, former enemy (see Hellfire Club) and former member of the (still disbanded) X-Men, "but it was there in front of us all this time. Who survives being reduced to a single drop of blood? I think that's a tall tale Logan made up to keep us from learning the truth."
Asked why she didn't figure it out from reading his mind, Frost replied, "Have YOU ever been in there? Brr. Trust me, it's a place you don't want to visit without a lot of heavy-duty psychic firepower. How Xavier managed to live with him in the mansion all those years is beyond me.
"He was originally called Weapon X-- we never guessed that meant there were ten of him wandering around, and ten may be a conservative estimate. One of him was blown up by Nitro just recently but... oh geez, there's one now. Maybe we could put a bell on him so we'd know when he's close..."
"I ain't no clone, bub," snarled the Wolverine we found prowling amidst the mansion's wreckage. "I'm just here to find my leather jacket, grab a brewski outta the fridge and head to an Avengers meeting. At the same time, I'm searching for Mystique in the Middle East and carrying out a search-and-destroy with X-Force, so... aw dammit." Overcome by the inherent logic flaws of his denial, this Wolverine resorted to doing what he's best at: flying into a berserk rage and trying to kill us reporters.
We'll have more on this story once we're out of intensive care.
Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved