New Jersey Barfly Responsible for Skrull Invasion

ASBURY PARK, NJ - Local barfly Randall "Gumball" Greeves admitted that the present onslaught of Skrull warriors is pretty much his fault.

"A couple years ago, I was sittin' next to this guy down at the Low Tide Bar 'n Grill," Greeves said. "He was kinda green and had this bumpy chin, but he was buyin', so I listen to him. He says his people are ridin' him to come up with some big idea--something that'll really get folks excited. So I look at the TV and say, 'Hey, war's always good. Invade somebody, but just do it kinda smart.' He gets this look in his eye, pays the tab and says, 'Thanks, human scum,' before headin' out. Lookin' back, that might not be the best advice I ever gave someone."

Greeves has been in hot water like this before. "Yeah, there was this high class lawyer lady, drinkin' by herself and cryin' over some egghead named Ray who dumped her. I said, 'Hey, show him you're somebody! You ain't gotta be pushed around. Make him notice you--maybe do somethin' big that'll grab his attention. Get him jealous or somethin'.' That didn't turn out too good neither.

"I think I oughtta stop givin' advice, you know? 'Cept when someone's buyin', 'cause it's just rude not to listen to the other guy's problems, you know what I mean? Speakin' of which, there's this guy from Gotham City, white face, big smile, hangin' out in the bar the other night..."

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics and DC Comics, all rights reserved

New Yorkers Largely Ignore Skrull Invasion

NEW YORK CITY - Covering the latest crisis to afflict the Big Apple (and, okay, the rest of the world too), Bugles Planet Daily has found that most New Yorkers have largely ignored the invasion by waves of new-fangled Super-Skrulls and Skrull shock troops.

"Hey, dis is New York, know what I'm sayin'?" said taxi driver Vito "the Big D" DeNardo. "I seen Galactus fifty yards off the hood of my cab--ya think some scaly green space-freaks are gonna faze me after that? Fugeddabouddit!"

Vito's cab was vaporized shortly afterward, but his sentiments live on among the disaffected and serenely undisturbed residents of the city.

"I think the Baxter Building ate itself," said nurse/elderly care specialist Susan Krychak. "There was a bright light--I didn't get too surprised, there's always something weird going on there, but it isn't every day you see a building eat itself. It was like in that movie Poltergeist. I got a picture of it on my cellphone camera."

"If it messes up the playoffs, I'm gonna be pissed," said grad student/bartender Huck Smith. "That's all I'm saying."

"People have a pretty high tolerance for the weird and horrifying around here," said Urban Crisis Management Division Chief Hudson Smedly. "They figure they made it through Galactus, the time when the whole city was boosted into space by Dr. Doom, Atlantis attacking us two or three times, a bunch of big nasty mutant events, that superhero Civil War thing, then World War Hulk... heck, this invasion barely makes the top five. Let's see where we are in another week or two; that'll tell you if we ought to be worried or not. As for me, I'm thinkin' about catching up with my cousin in Scottsdale, Arizona."

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

They Came From Space!

Much Better Versions of Modern Superheroes Crash in Savage Land


SAVAGE LAND - Both groups calling themselves Avengers got a nasty shock in the Savage Land last week as the investigation of a spaceship crash turned up something unimaginable. Roughly two dozen superheroes emerged from the wreck--except that these survivors seem to be a flashback to the recent past: all of them are "versions" of known superheroes from several years ago.


"It's like looking in my old photo album," said fugitive hero Spider-Man. "I mean, was I really that scrawny back in the day? Sheesh, no wonder Doc Ock used to kick my butt all the time."


Luke Cage (modern) said, "What kind of atrocious cliche is this? I never walked around saying 'Sweet Christmas'! Obviously this impostor knows nothing of my work."


Captain America (past) said, "We seem to have shown up at a bad time."


That may be the biggest understatement of the year, Cap. With the Skrulls having just taken out Iron Man (modern)... or have they?... as well as the Baxter Building, the SHIELD Helicarrier, the Raft, the Cube, and a bunch of other prominent superhero landmarks/facilities/headquarters, it seems that the arrival of a bunch of retrograde superheroes will only add to the confusion.


More news as it develops.
Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Skrulls Disavow Blame for Messed Up Marvel Universe

"It Ain't Us," Insist Sneaky Shapeshifting Aliens

NEW YORK CITY - Speaking at the United Nations earlier today, representatives of the fragmented Skrull Empire reassured the media that they are, in fact, not to blame for the "messed up" state of affairs.

"Sure, it's easy to blame the aliens--we're green and have pointy ears, we MUST be the bad guys, right?" said M'Yk K'rree, spokesbeing for the alien delegation. "Come on. You know Iron Man was always kind of a bastard. Did you really think it was us that made him that way? Reed Richards, your Mister Fantastic? Another egghead with a warped vision of the world... not a Skrull."

Mighty Avengers spokesman Spider-Woman said, "We know we've been infiltrated by Skrulls, the only question is how... oh, that is just going too far." She broke off as images of Spider-Woman, her face definitely somewhat Skrullish, flashed on a monitor over her head. "See? They're trying to sow dissent, fear and distrust! Just like... nah, better not go there."

K'rree (whose name, he admitted, is a sore point among Skrulls) added, "This paranoia and chaos is not what we Skrulls are all about. Look, we just want to be like everyone else so much, we change shape to fit in. All we want is to get along. That's not so evil and Machiavellian, is it?"

Authorities have decided to let the Avengers, Fantastic Four and Skrulls work this out to their mutual satisfaction. It is likely that all parties will end up on The People's Court in the near future.

"We believe that's the proper venue for the airing of grievances among you Earth people," K'rree considered. "Jerry Springer was already booked--which was disappointing, because we really wanted to throw chairs at each other."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved