BPD EXPRESS: Third Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Rorschach Notes
In response to The Question's recent popularity with BPD fans Rorschach sends the following encoded, missive:

"Sage. *hurm* I control the internets. Remember to forget that. *hm* You smell nice."


Cancellation Of "Good Books" Down To Smackhead Gripes
Confused over the cancellation of stellar books like American Virgin and Welcome to Tranquility, Bugle's Planet has uncovered a sinister, new, addiction-led lawsuit.

Stan Quesadidiolee alleges certain "Comics are like crack you can read!" He went on to ask "Have you read McDuffie's JLA? That sh!t had me running down the street butt-o-nekkid telling people I was Moses. An' comic book stores are crack dens! We huddle, glassy eyed—taking hits offa each others books...this sh!t has got to stop. My wife left me and she took every Spider-Man I own. She calls it tough love. I call it the shakes and I blame the funny books!"

Researchers from the Big Two warn certain comics are just too good to print and may get you eff'd up.


This Just In...
R'as Al Ghul says having one's cake and eating it too is easy. He's having your cake right now. Is there something you'd like to say about that? Didn't think so.
Sponsored by Little Debbie® Now with regenerative power!

UPDATE: Tom Drops Kabbalah
HOLLYWOOD - In an announcement that surprised no one, Tom Cat said he was dropping his study of Kabbalah. "It's too hard," the feline cartoon star said. "I didn't know I'd have to learn stuff! I thought it was just hobnobbing with celebrities, like a golf tournament or something."

"It's been, what, a week? That's about par for Tom's attention span," said longtime co-worker Jerry Mouse. "He's never been what you'd call devoted to anything that takes longer than an afternoon to figure out. I mean, look at all the hobbies and jobs and houses he's had! You'd think he would have settled down and figured out his life by now, but he's just a perpetual adolescent."

Which prompted a long and ridiculously destructive chase, once Tom heard what Jerry had said. Representatives for the Kabbalah Center in Hollywood had no comment.


This Also Just In...
Superman-Prime still an EMO bitch.


Triage Trio Takes To Space












Having whooped all the ass possible on planet earth, a group calling themselves the Triage Trio, Lono, Dashiell Bad Horse and The Female of The Species have elected to hand out beatdowns in the final frontier.

Fans may remember the Trio from a recent visit to R.A.W where they presumed to teach the true meaning of 'smackdown.' However, while the WWE visit was marked by running and screaming the deep space expedition has been eerily quiet.

The GL Corps is bored to tears. "Nothings moving out here. We've got comets that've gone into status. So we've been hitting the weights like inmates. I don't know nothing as well as the back of my hand." says Guy Gardner. The Ari Gold lead Sinestro Corp quietly slipped over the border into the Marvel Universe where they hope to continue their reign of terror. Gold left this parting shot "I don't need to hear the fat chick to recognize game over. Tell Lono this finger means he's number one. Oooh, look it's a birdy."


My Humps, My Humps, My Humps...
Guy Gardner has thrown his hat into the Best Green Lantern Love Hump [see booty] Competition and submits this image for your voting pleasure. He also suggests that Kyle Raynor "suck it." You be the judge.












NEWS BITES COMPILED BY DREW BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

On 8th Life, Tom Turns to Kabbalah

Cartoon Mainstay Deeply Concerned About Mortality, Converts to Kabbalah

HOLLYWOOD - MGM cartoon star Tom of "Tom and Jerry" fame is apparently on his eighth life, following a traffic accident in downtown Hollywood. Recuperating at Cedars-Sinai Hospital, the feline said through a spokesperson that he only has nine lives and this brings him unhappily closer to the Big Litterbox in the Sky.

For that reason, he has decided to convert from Presbyterianism to Kabbalah. His spiritual advisor, Madonna, said that she supported the animated star's decision and encouraged him with several books on the Jewish mystic tradition.

Partner Jerry Mouse expressed deep concerns regarding this life-changing decision. "Tom's always been an impulsive guy," the rodent celebrity said. "I hope he isn't jumping into something on the spur of the moment that he'll regret later. He can't even tie the red string bracelet on his own wrist--how is he going to master the intricacies of a devotion based on mystical teachings?" He shook his head. "This is going to end worse than when he wanted to become a Formula One-driving astronaut millionaire playboy."

Tom said he intends to travel to Israel with Madonna as early as Christmas, as he's looking forward to seeing "the locations where the Bible was shot--even the B-roll, y'know?"

In the meantime, he's gotten plenty of visitors and support from his friends in Hollywood's toon community.

"His spirits are generally good," reported Jessica Rabbit, the hospital's press representative. "Jerry has been by his bedside for most of the last two days. Butch, Spike and Droopy came to visit, Heckell and Jeckell came to his window. Even Mighty Mouse sent flowers."

Felix the Cat, once a close friend but long estranged, said, "Tom's the guy who showed us cats how it's done. Sure, I came along first, but what did I have? A bag of tricks and a catchy theme song. Chasing mice is a young cat's game, though, and Tom ain't no spring chicken any more."

"He's my personal hero," admitted Itchy of Itchy & Scratchy fame. "I grew up wanting to be Tom. Every cartoon I make is dedicated to him. And to my agent. And sort of to my mother. But mostly to Tom."

A fixture in the watering holes of Old Hollywood, Tom worked only intermittently in the past few years until the debut of the new Tom and Jerry Tales show on Kids WB. He ran for public office in 1980 as a Republican but lost in a recount. He has been married twice but is currently single.

Through his press agent, he thanked his many fans for their support and said he hopes catnip isn't expressly forbidden by Kabbalah.