Is Wolverine a Clone?

Tantalizing Hints Begin to Add Up

NEW YORK CITY - It has been one of the great mysteries for those of us who cover the superhero community. How does Wolverine manage to turn up just about everywhere?

We've confirmed he isn't a teleporter, his claws cannot cut holes in spacetime, and (despite being packed full of adamantium) he isn't a robot.

What does that leave? The answer is staggeringly obvious: Wolverine is in reality an army of clones.

"It caught us by surprise," admits Emma Frost, former enemy (see Hellfire Club) and former member of the (still disbanded) X-Men, "but it was there in front of us all this time. Who survives being reduced to a single drop of blood? I think that's a tall tale Logan made up to keep us from learning the truth."

Asked why she didn't figure it out from reading his mind, Frost replied, "Have YOU ever been in there? Brr. Trust me, it's a place you don't want to visit without a lot of heavy-duty psychic firepower. How Xavier managed to live with him in the mansion all those years is beyond me.

"He was originally called Weapon X-- we never guessed that meant there were ten of him wandering around, and ten may be a conservative estimate. One of him was blown up by Nitro just recently but... oh geez, there's one now. Maybe we could put a bell on him so we'd know when he's close..."

"I ain't no clone, bub," snarled the Wolverine we found prowling amidst the mansion's wreckage. "I'm just here to find my leather jacket, grab a brewski outta the fridge and head to an Avengers meeting. At the same time, I'm searching for Mystique in the Middle East and carrying out a search-and-destroy with X-Force, so... aw dammit." Overcome by the inherent logic flaws of his denial, this Wolverine resorted to doing what he's best at: flying into a berserk rage and trying to kill us reporters.

We'll have more on this story once we're out of intensive care.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Professor X Shot, Mortally Injured, Still Missing

SALEM CENTER, N.Y. - Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster and public spokesman of the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, as well as the sponsor of several teams of X-Men, has been shot and is in critical condition.

Speaking on behalf of the X-Men, Scott Summers announced, "Professor Xavier is in the intensive care facility of a hospital we choose not to name, for their own protection. His condition is critical but, we hope and pray, not terminal. He was shot by Lucas Bishop, a former teammate, who is now at large. I am taking this opportunity to announce that, with Professor X gone, we are formally disbanding the X-Men entirely."

Summers' announcement came as little surprise to the superhuman community.

"They've shouldered their share of the world's burdens," said Thor, speaking from New Asgard, Oklahoma. "If they choose to set aside their role, I cannot fault them."

"We haven't assessed the significance of this development," said Tony Stark (aka Iron Man), director of SHIELD. "Naturally we would have hoped that the mutant community would choose to register, following passage of the Superhuman Registration Act, but if they are not acting or intending to act as 'superheroes'-- I suppose the point becomes moot."

"Hulk smash! No, just kidding. Seriously, I know what it's like to be hunted and hated," said Bruce Banner, who is currently in an undisclosed location following the devastation of World War Hulk. "Frankly, if I was them, I'd have gotten off this dirtball ages ago. I... oh geez. Okay, maybe not. Leaving Earth doesn't seem to end well."

BPD will continue to provide updates on Professor X's condition.

UPDATE: The X-Men admitted today that they have no idea where their mentor, Charles Xavier, is at this time.

"It's true, we totally lost track of him," said Scott 'Cyclops' Summers, the disbanded team's former leader. "We made up the story about him being in an unnamed hospital. See, in the chaos of seeing Bishop's arm bitten off by Predator X (and him shooting the Professor, too) and having to let Cable run off with a messiah baby, plus realizing I'm not crippled by the loss of... um, that is, I guess we just dropped the ball. I know if the Professor were here, we'd be having a good chuckle about now. Guess I'd be getting a D for handling this little exercise, if we were back in the Danger Room.

"Oh, and we're still disbanded, so stop calling the mansion. Really."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

PLANET STYLE: Ninja Dance Taking World by Storm

Neck injuries and attempts at telepathy concern dance experts.

TELEPATHIC NINJAS (Bugle-Planet): Move over Krump, you’re behind the times. Urbanites across the country – indeed, the world - have begun to embrace a new dancing icon: the ninja.

The dance, identified by its limp, bobble-headed-doll-like movements, wide-eyed, drugged-out look, and hyper-hyphenated descriptors has slowly crept into the clubs over the past few years and is quickly becoming a certified craze.



Inspired by the ninjas of Konoha Village, club kids began imitating the movements of local ninja when the Land of Fire began to expand its cultural influence throughout its neighbors. One such incident, leading to the naming of the “Great Naruto Bridge” in the nation of Tsunami after a young Konoha ninja, generated an abundance of cultural influence with western nations.

“It’s true that Konoha’s activities have led to the Land of Fire’s generation of enormous ‘soft power,” said political scientist and cultural expert Joseph Nye. “Given that, I’m not surprised that we’ve seen the expansion of its cultural exports, even dangerous ones such as this Ninja Dance.”

Dangerous?

“The Ninja Dance –known by the residents of Konoha as the bakamaru dance - is extremely dangerous and shouldn’t be attempted by non-professional dancers,” says Lana Carrol Heylock, Head of the Dance Institute at Akron University. “The disconnecting of the neck joints needed to perform the head swaying motion at the beginning of the dance can lead to permanent neck injury if not done correctly. I am highly alarmed by this dance making its way to the club scene, and disturbed by the fact that some club owners are actually encouraging people off the street to try this dance.”









Little suggests that that the club owners could stop the dance. An instructional video on the dance that was posted on YouTube has received millions of hits, and has since been translated into several languages, including Spanish (see inset). “At least here people can do the dance in a safe environment,” says Dante Ferrando, owner of the Washington, DC, club The Black Cat. “They’re gonna do it anyway, right? So better if someone’s around who can help out if they get hurt. I’m not even worried about the neck injuries, though. Most of these guys know what they’re doing. I worry about the guys getting to the next level, trying to pull off the telepathy movements.”

One of the more strenuous moves, done near the climax of the routine, calls for the use of telepathy. In an effort to reach the status needed to attempt this move, many dancers have turned to the black market for drugs such as Xstacy or Mutant Growth Hormone (MGH).

Dance coaches, seeking to cash in on the Ninjaphile Group’s dansukurabu no jutsu! contest in October, have begun searching for natural telepathic talent. British resident Elizabeth “Betsy” Braddock, known to the world as Psylocke, was just recently contacted about the ninja dance craze. “Bollocks!” Responded the X-Men’s resident purple-haired-british-turned-asian-
telepathic-then-telekinetic-ninja. “You mean I’m not the only ninja telepath out there? Bloody wonderful. How many hyphens do you need to explain who in the bloody hell I am? This shouldn't even be a contest. Well, I’ll just have to teach these charlatans a thing or two about…” Psylocke then suddenly died for the umpteenth time and began making out with Jean Grey in the White Hot Room, much to the delight of frat-types everywhere.

Ms. Braddock could not be reached for further comment.



Staff Writer Julian Aiko died and made out with Northstar. Among other things. His neck hurts.





Psylocke courtesy of alex200277. Psylocke is a character owned and trademarked by Marvel Comics. All rights reserved.

Champions Still "Lamest" Superhero Team

Grab-bag Group Beats Great Lakes Avengers

NEW YORK - In an online reader poll, the Champions--a group that included Hercules, Black Widow, Angel, Iceman and Ghost Rider--once again took honors as the "lamest superteam," beating the Great Lakes Avengers by seven votes and the Inferior Five by 17 votes. (Note: This survey was completed before the Avengers split into the current "Mighty" and "New" teams, which may bear some watching next year.)

This team, not to be confused with the roleplaying game of the same name, formed after the breakup of the original X-Men and a roster change among the Avengers. They were funded by the Worthington family (who have sponsored superhero organizations in the past), operated in Los Angeles and fought a string of rather undistinguished villains. They had no endorsement deals of note, nor did they generate a successful line of merchandise.

Why the lameness? Opinions from experts on superhero team dynamics differ.

"The Champions had good intentions, but that's not enough," said Dr. Leonard Samson. "In this day and age, you need something that promotes a message, that says who you are and what you stand for. They never really had that."

"From a branding standpoint, it's just terrible," said gloryhound hero Booster Gold. "Using my knowledge of the future, I was able to avoid all the pitfalls they stumbled into--poor PR tactics, undeveloped media relations, no antithetical villains, no epic team-ups with higher profile heroes, the whole shebang. This is why teams need media consultants."

Even supervillains found it hard to take the Champions seriously.

"Fight the Champions? Bah! I wouldn't send the least of my Doombots to confront them," sneered Victor von Doom. "A motley collection of do-gooders, none of whom was worthy of my attention. Besides, they were in Los Angeles and that's a lot further from Latveria than New York is."

"Yes, a couple of them were original X-Men but come now, they weren't even the cool X-Men! Should the Master of Magnetism fight rabble like this? I think not," said Magneto

Even the Red Ghost and his Super-Apes declined to mix it up with the California-based heroes.

"I really thought they could go the distance," offered an anonymous artist who once worked on the group's graphical memoirs. "It was a line up with great heroes... but I guess you really need a unifying theme or concept or it all falls apart. What the heck were they championing anyway? Guess it was mediocrity."

Rankings:

1. Champions
2. Great Lakes Avengers
3. Inferior Five
4. Titans (not "Teen Titans")
5. Misfits
6. Global Guardians
7. Extreme Justice
8. Legion of Super-Pets

A Space Pirate's Bounty

HOLLYWOOD – The estate of Christopher Summers is suing the mammoth Disney corporation for royalties from the recent films ostensibly adapted from the company’s own theme park ride. Attorneys hired by the late Christopher’s son Scott Summers and his wealthy “professional” associate Emma Frost (a name as reputable in the business world as it is in fashion circles – that is to say, roughly bottom of the barrel) claim that the record-breaking Pirate blockbusters, what some have called Disney’s current saving grace in an otherwise faltering few fiscal years, have cribbed numerous characters, events, and the “general feel” of the life of buccaneer Christopher Summers – known to the many readers of Marvel Illustrated News as Corsair of the Starjammers (pirates of the cosmic seas).

The last two installments in Disney’s series, Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End, have prominently featured a Captain Davey Jones and his monstrous crew of shipmates. The Summers family claims that the idea and in some cases appearance of this crew share more than a passing resemblance to the Starjammers. The space crew has a long history of welcoming animal-human hybrids into its fold. For some time, Christopher shared a close relationship with “Catgirl” Hepzibah; while she may not have an exact duplicate in the Disney films, humanoid amphibian Ch’od would have fit right into Jones’s sea-creature entourage.

Furthermore, Emma Frost has even called Captain Jack Sparrow a “caricature of Scott’s father. Disney just accentuated his swashbuckling facial hair to a comedic degree. And what Mr. Depp likes to call a Keith Richards impression is really a crass rendition of Christopher, lacking only the kindness, nobility, and loving nature that made him respectable even in such an unseemly profession. But trust me, I know Keith Richards very well – too well – and his swagger is not nearly as sexy as Mr. Depp’s.” These potentially circumstantial connections could in fact be another example of Disney’s oft-accused (though never proven in court) trend of appropriating stories and characters and rearranging them to fit into Disney molds. See for example, the controversy over Atlantis, which some critics claim to have lifted most of its content from the Japanese docudrama Namora: The Secret of Blue Water.

Yet the connection remains tenuous in the eyes of most outside parties, and some have called the entire suit a “money-grubbing ploy” to, as one clearly sympathetic editorialist put it, “fund scientific research into the feasibility of quadruple-F breast implants and self-adhesive ‘clothing’ of microscopic sizes.” Some (more sincere) advocates of the Summers estate and their infamous allies have rallied behind the cause with little attention to its legal merit; caught on a night on the town with the Hilton sisters, Northstar was assailed by tabloid reporters begging for a comment. The Canadian mutant did not hold back: “Think of it as reparations. Whether Disney stole Corsair’s stories or not, they are a corporation built on the foundational power structure of this country that has been exploiting and demonizing mutants for decades. The Disney guys know it, they just try to hide it – why do you think they’ve kept Song of the Siryn locked up in the ‘Disney Vault’ all these years? They know their cartoons are racist, but these days they like to pretend they’ve always been about equal-opportunity family entertainment. That said, if Disney ever needs to cast their first male Princess – or Queen – call me!”

In the Big Apple’s old Mutant Town, M of the controversial X-Factor echoed Northstar’s sentiments: “I heard they’re even trying to make a big publicity deal about the first ‘Mutant-American Princess’ in their next movie. Yeah, as if Ariel was just a pretty white girl with your average birth defect. You ask anyone with some sense, that girl was either a self-loathing mutant or a grossly racist caricature of an Atlantean. Yet she remains one of Disney’s flagship cash cows. The Summers deserve every penny they can get from those *******s. I just hope the X-Men share the wealth with the rest of us (not that I need it).”

But why now – why have the Summers only spoken up in time for the third Pirates film? The estate claims that the latest installment has exploited the sensational death of pirating patriarch Christopher in order to sell tickets. The “lucky timing” of the film’s opening, coming directly on the heels of (within weeks, and according to inside studios sources on an “accelerated” track for release) has tickled many as crass. The X-Men’s Iceman offered his feelings on the matter: “Even if it wasn’t intentional, they could have at least given us time to mourn and wrap our heads around recent events, instead of just rubbing it in by exploiting imagery of the kind of swashbuckling we just lost from our real lives. There’s a sensitivity needed here that big companies like Disney just can’t fathom.”

But not all 198 mutants are rallying behind this cause. Outlaw, a mutant only tangentially associated with the X-Men “family,” saw no problem with what Disney has firmly asserted was a complete coincidence. The Texan knockout asked her fellow mutants, “Just because our favorite pirate is dead, we are all supposed forget that cute scurvy dogs like him ever existed? We should be cherishing the kind of raping and pillaging that Corsair embodied – if we just suppress it, the Shi’ar win!”

Prominent tinseltown producer Al Kraven could not muster up any sympathy for the Summers: “I don’t even see the similarities. Corsair is a space pirate. He runs with a bunch of alien refugees. His life is REAL. Have you seen any of these Caribbean movies? They have all these wooden boats – like in oceans and whirlpools and stuff – and they go around fighting skeleton ghosts and giant octopuses, octopi, whatever. It’s complete fantasy. Some people need to get a life.”

Christopher Summers will be missed by sons Scott and Alex. He was recently sent to join his wife Katherine in that great cabin in the sky at the hands of his alleged third son, Gabriel – by whom we assume he will not be missed.

Wolverine: "The Best There Is"...At Getting His Butt Whupped!

EDITORIAL by Martin Bosworth

Oh, Logan, Logan, Logan. Wherefore art thou, Logan? What happened to the guy who was so terrifying that he made his hair grow at right angles out of pure fear? Where is the guy who dared to sneak cigars in under Joe Quesada's anti-smoking ban?

I don't get what's up with you, Logan. Every time I turn around lately, you're getting your butt handed to you on an Adamantium platter. If it's not your perennial slap fight partner Sabretooth making you look silly, you're getting chumped out by your own son, Daken. Seriously, take a look at this guy:


Come on. You're going to take a beatdown from a guy who looks like the result of a one-night stand between Johnny Rotten and Criss Angel? It's bad enough this guy's your kid, but he looks more likely to be the bass player for AFI than your new Big Bad.

If that's not bad enough, you've also been smacked up by your own female clone, X-23, on several occasions:

Really. Just rewind that and ponder. Your own female clone routinely messes you up with her Adamantium toenails. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

But that's not the worst of it. Nope, most recently you got gaffled by Kyle "Wild Child" Gibney. No, really, Mr. Weapon Omega himself--the guy who was most recently running around looking like Gollum and pining away for Aurora:

Yep, it's this guy, suddenly with a lot more hair, smacking you up like you stole his lunch money. Heck, you said it yourself--"I just got beat up by WILD CHILD?!"

What happened to the dude who was surviving explosions from Nitro at ground zero? Or jumping hundreds of feet from airplanes without parachutes? Oh, I know--someone stepped up and said, "We're making Wolverine too powerful!"

Maybe that's true, but there's a difference between being reasonably powered and being the chew toy for every furry with an attitude problem in the Marvel Universe. I think emo is Wolverine's weakness the way Kryptonite affects Superman--all it takes is one miserable goth kid with six-inch razor-sharp nails, and Wolvie's Adamantium backbone turns to jelly.

Come on, Logan. Get your mind right and get back in the game. Don't make me bring Hugh Jackman over there.