Final Crisis Probably Not Final

Is This Not the End? Experts Disagree.

METROPOLIS - Scientists at STAR Labs announced today that the pending "Final Crisis" may not, in fact, be final at all.

"We've found no reason to believe that these 'Crisis' events won't recur on a semi-regular basis," said Dr. Emil Hamilton, noted friend of Superman and all-around smart guy. "Our chaotic math team estimates that by 2009, 2010 at the outside, we'll see another Crisis-level event... though it may not be called that."

"It may in fact be called a Catastrophe, a Major Upheaval or even a 'Whoops! There Goes the Universe,'" added Dr. Kitty Faulkner. "We have our eye on several different vectors from which this next major event might emerge, including deep space, parallel worlds, the Earth's core and the far future. So far, we've been unable to rule out any possibilities of any or all of these causing us massive agita."

"We doubt that it will be a 'dilly of a pickle' or a 'dire predicament,' however," Hamilton said. "Those names are just silly."

Experts in Crisis Management beg to differ about the likelihood of future Crises.

"As far as we're comfortable predicting, this is the big one," said Dan DiDio, noted expert on all matters Crisis-related. "It won't be like your father's Crisis, with red skies and a dead Flash at the end, no sir. We might see lots of really important and not-creatively-moribund superfolk take the fall this time around. We expect lots of excitement, destruction and the (hopefully brief) reign of evil throughout the universe.

"In short, bad times are coming. We can talk future Crises later, okay? Right now, I got my hands full. Death to Jimmy Olsen! All hail Darkseid!"

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Earth-2 Says No More; Demands to be Called "Earth Awesome"

"We Were Here First!" Insists Justice Society

EARTH-2 - Well, the writing was on the wall for a long, long time. Earth-2, home of the Earth's mightiest heroes of World War II and their modern-day descendants--many of them legacy heroes carrying on a proud tradition of heroism--isn't going to take it any more.

"We were here first," declared Jay Garrick (aka Flash 1, 'the first Flash' or 'classic Flash') of the Justice Society of America. "Where do they get off calling us 'Earth-2'? That's demeaning! How would they like it if we called them 'Earth-Johnny-Come-Lately'? Or maybe 'Earth-Copycat'? I don't think they'd like that much at all. We're polite and didn't raise a fuss until now... but this whole new Crisis thing has opened up a big can of worms, I can tell you."

To improve the image of this unhappy parallel world, a decision was made at the highest levels. From now on, Earth-2 will insist on being known as 'Earth-Awesome.'

This decision provoked immediate controversy from many quarters.

"It'll confuse us with that dreadful alternate Earth where someone named Supreme is running around," said Wonder Woman of Earth-2. "You know, the fellow who seems like a bad carbon copy of Superman? I believe I read that he's had a few good adventures but honestly, I don't know..."

Asked for clarification on the naming convention post-Crisis, Under Secretary of State for Alternate and Parallel Worlds Dan DiDio said, "We're investigating the matter and intend to issue a statement very soon. We believe we can resolve this amicably, without resorting to another Crisis... though I cannot confirm or deny that a Crisis is being planned at this moment."

In the meantime, Earth-Awesome is putting out feelers to the 50 other "also-ran Earths" to see if they want to alter their naming conventions as well. "Just because they call themselves Earth-1 doesn't mean they're better than we are," huffed Power Girl (aka 'the Supergirl of Earth-2'). "I mean, really! What did they contribute to the multiverse that we didn't do first?"

Artwork copyright DC Comics Inc., all rights reserved