INS Fails To Deport Wonder Woman

"...waiting for her to ‘get nekkid’ seemed like a good idea..."

BOSTON, MA – In a hastily organized press conference at Boston Mass General Hospital, Police spokesman, Brett Rogers gave details on a botched police operation:

"As part of the ongoing efforts to enforce tougher immigration controls among the US Meta-human community, The White House issued a deportation order for the superhero known as Wonder Woman. Apparently this menace has illegally resided in the US on an expired educational Visa since the mid 80’s.”

The Department of Homeland Security has also accused the longtime Justice League member of possessing a ‘weapon of mass destruction’ namely herself.

It was decided the deportation order would be enforced by a task force comprised of Immigration Naturalization Services (INS) agents, Boston PD SWAT and Homeland Security officers. The team converged on the home of a known associate of the suspect, Air Force LT Etta Candy Trevor.

“We’d received intelligence that the accused would occasionally visit the Trevor Household for an early morning shower,” said Rogers.

"According to the Lieutenant commanding the raid, the go ahead was given upon confirmation the Perp had entered the lavatory and disrobed. The Perp’s nudity was key to the operation as we’d received intel that her powers were contained within a certain magic belt. Further, our own meta-human expert, Nemesis, corroborated the belt would be removed for sake of bath-time efficiency.

To summarize, waiting for her to ‘get nekkid’ seemed like a good idea at the time." Rogers stated.

"Sadly our intel on the magical belt proved false”

While holding back tears he added, “The last thing recorded by the incursion team, was a blood curling scream of “Great Hera’s Rubber Ducky!”

In a scene that can only be describe as carnage, the 6’ 2” Amazonian warrior – dressed only in a bath towel and her silver bracelets – plowed through the taskforce like The Hulk through Iron Man. Agents where thrown with such force that many had to be rescued from the Charles River 5 miles away.

Said Rogers, “It was clear to all present that she was still in possession of her powers and was displeased by the interruption...”

Boston Police Commissioner Will Richardson said, "This is one of the darkest days in the history of Massachusetts Law Enforcement. Our prayers go to the 23 INS agents, 12 members of Boston SWAT, 5 police officers and 2 police dogs who were sent to area hospitals by this terry-clothed menace.”

Maggie Sawyer, spokeswoman for Metropolis Special Crime Units sighed
"I told these morons not to do it..."

The incident remains under investigation.

ARTWORK BY ROBERTO ORTIZ © 2008

Atom Seeks Treatment for Microphobia

IVY TOWN - Rookie hero The Atom has sought treatment for a condition tentatively identified as "microphobia": the fear of tiny things. (This is not the same as "nanophobia," which is the fear of really tiny things, but is closely related.)

"I started having, well, hallucinations when I was changing size," admitted the distraught hero. "It just isn't normal to see the things I was seeing. Floating heads, colonies of aliens living on my dog, a microscopic serial killer... I mean, does this sort of thing happen to other heroes or is it only me?"

The Atom's fellow heroes noted that he has been under considerable stress for some time.

"He's had personal issues this past year--resolving some long-standing issues with his father and some past relationships," said Wonder Woman. "He just needs some time and space to sort things out. He has a warrior's heart and I'm confident he'll bounce back."

"My microscopic vision hasn't found the oddities the Atom describes, but that's his world--the microscopic world, I mean," said Superman. "Could be there are some dangers down there that we can't foresee. If the Atom has found cause to be alarmed, it would be better for the Justice League to have a plan in place." He grimaced and added, "I bet Batman already has plans for a microscopic invasion in that cave of his..."

The Atom's public statements did not address allegations of an attack by dust bunnies in a Motel6 this past week.

BPD EXPRESS: Fifth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Shanti Virus Cured
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered news of a cure for Shanti virus and it's name is Nathan Petrelli. Clinical trials show that exposing infected males to Petrelli results in:

• Pantywaist looks of confusion
  
• Dewy eyes with trembling lower lip
  
• Fierce Guy-Love man hugs and
  
• Complete reversal of all idiotic behavior
  

However, Petrelli has not proven to be an effective treatment for female patients. Quite the opposite. Due to infected women's inability to be 'that damn stupid,' the virus eventually results in their deaths via fiery explosion. (Research suggests blondes have the highest virus-to-explosion ratio.)

If you are a woman with extraordinary abilities and are infected with the Shanti Virus, please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 THATS RIGHT THE WOMAN IS SMARTER.

Henchman Go on Strike!
Sick of being reduced to fodder by the "fat cats" and never getting the spoils of victory The Henchmen Of Evildoers Association (HOEA) has gone on strike and asks "'Xactly what's our motivation? When's it go well for us?" but admitted "Yah, when Wonder Bags wraps them legs 'round ya head and squeezes it's nice for about nine seconds. Then ya wake up with Big Fruity as your cellmate. So again, when's it go well for us?"

HOEA intends to stage a walkout and commence negotiations(as a collective bargaining unit) in order to secure hazardous duty pay, retirement and health benefits, coverage of legal costs and royalties on the spoils.

The association, led by Thing 1 and Thing 2 of Cat in the Hat fame, welcomes: stooges, thugs, minions, cheap muscle, adjutants, accountants (criminal experience a plus), assorted flunkies and—the ultimate cannon fodder—red shirt Starfleet ensigns.


Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella but
Put A Helmet On Your Soldier
If You're Gonna Plow Right Through 'Em, You Might As Well Cover Your Horn! Brought to you by Rhino and new! Trojan® Adamantium Tipped Condoms in Magnum.
Now Strong Enough to Do She-Hulk!


Best In Show
Raja, on gigglefest Aliens In America, said "You know, growing up in Pakistan it never made sense to me how, in your religion, Jesus grew up to be so fat. Then I realized this was Santa Claus. I should have known he was too jolly to be a Messiah."

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE
Edited by DREW BITTNER

Wonder Woman's New Toy-Sized Boy?

IVY TOWN - Local reporters were abuzz this past week with the arrival of Wonder Woman to this quiet college town. Was she visiting to enjoy this bastion of academia, or was there more going on than meets the eye?

"She was spending a lot of time with our hometown hero, the Atom," said Mavis Carter, local grocery store manager and gossip. "They seemed close, if you get my meaning. I even heard she made him an offer... what kind of respectable girl does that?"

Speculation that Wonder Woman has found herself a beau has been rife in these parts, after the Atom and Wonder Woman fended off mind-controlled mobs intent on killing the pint-size powerhouse. Nearly done in atop a Ted Grant Grease-Grabbin' Grill (tm), the Atom and Wonder Woman identified a metahuman mind-controller behind these shenanigans. Investigations into the facts behind this event are ongoing.

Asked for a comment, the Atom later said, "Um, I don't know if I can talk about anything we discussed. It's, ah, sort of a big decision and, well, I don't want to rush into anything."

Gossip columnists are going to be busy on this one in days to come!

Artwork by Adam Hughes, copyright DC Comics 2007, all rights reserved

BPD EXPRESS: Fourth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Real Shanti Virus
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered the origin of the Shanti virus. Patient Zero was not Shanti Suresh as previously conjectured. The true origin of the virus is none-other-than her younger brother Mohinder.

Upon further investigation [as shown in last week's installment of Heroes A Documentary] meta-humans [see extraordinary abilities] infected with the Shanti virus suffer the following symptoms:

• Decrease in logical thinking
• Hyper-inflated sense of self righteousness
• Bad taste in men
  

If you are a person with extraordinary abilities and are experiencing any of these symptoms please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 YOU'RE AN IDIOT.


Apish Behavior
Superman deported by the INS! Batman arrested for Child Endangerment! Nemesis jailed for flagrant use of Hair Pomade! Law Enforcement agencies rejoice in high-profile arrests due to pseudo-anonymous tips from contingent known only as Gorillaz Color of Mist. The group added to the chaos by releasing the following statement: "She's all ours now! (this is us laughing maniacally)"


An Ass Trumps Bush
You know Robot Chicken has corrupted your brain when you find yourself watching it on TiVo and rooting, audibly, for Paris 'V' Hilton to beat Barbara Bush down, in an oval office brawl. FIN-NISH Her!!!

Powered By N-Bomb
[The following in TV Announcer voice]
The Boondocks Animated Series! New and Improved for Season Two! And You! All the N-bombs, Now With a Point! Blacks, Negros and Coloreds everywhere rejoice! Same Great Laughter. None of the Awkward or Self-hate. Watch it today! Brought to you by an actual black, negro or colored.


This Just In...
If current trends continue the world is estimated to run out of superhero and/or villain monikers by the year--um, tomorrow. We urge you to go Green, as in lantern corps. Every little bit helps.


Best In Show
This week on, the BPD Hot Listed show, Reaper, Bert "Sock" Wysocki officially dubbed the Devil's daughter: BeelzeBabe.

Yeah, we wish we'd thought of it too.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

Chang Tzu: The Incredible, Edible Egg

Part of Seeing Redd Week

OOLONG ISLAND - An unknown squad of "benevolent" scientists has donated Chung Zhu (aka Egg Fu) to the Oolong County School Board's 'Big Breakfast, Big Day' program. Tzu's threats went unheard as Commissioner Demi Albumen contemplated the myriad ways he would enrich her pet project. "Not only will Chung Chang—um, Ching-Ching-Chan...er, Chu Tzu. Ahhh--Egg Fu?"

Albumen placed a hand over the microphone and whispered to an aide. "Is it okay to call him that? It's not culturally insensitive or anything? Oh, he's evil? I see. He's eeevvvill. Well alright then." Vindicated the commissioner continued "Not only will Egg Fu feed millions of school children but his green, gooey center makes him very kid-friendly. Any more so and he'd be slime. Huh? Oh. I'm told he is slime. Perfect."

The infamous L'Ady sisters, Lunch and Cafeteria, wholeheartily agree and are excited about the new breakfast-sandwich they'll create once Zhu is in their custody. "It's right out of an orange book," said the portly Cafeteria, "Course we can't afford the ham but I reckon Spam™ is tastier—Brand recognition is huge for these Rugrats™."

The Chinatown Restaurant Association is already planning a protest. "He Chinese egg," said Wong Fei Chung owner of Peking Cluck, "They never hear of fried rice for kids!? It much better!" (He then went back to speaking the Queen's English, oddly enough, with a New Zealand accent)

Longtime Chang Tzu nemesis, Wonder Woman, warned there may be dire consequences in feeding super-villains to children and that this could be an evil plot. "Don't quote me," said the Amazon Princess, "but there may be dire consequences in feeding super-villains to children. This could be an evil plot."

Ms. Woman is a known conspiracy theorist (See "Save sanity. Save the world"). However, we will keep an eye on this story as it develops—by this we mean: Check back on Friday for Part 2!

Earth-2 Says No More; Demands to be Called "Earth Awesome"

"We Were Here First!" Insists Justice Society

EARTH-2 - Well, the writing was on the wall for a long, long time. Earth-2, home of the Earth's mightiest heroes of World War II and their modern-day descendants--many of them legacy heroes carrying on a proud tradition of heroism--isn't going to take it any more.

"We were here first," declared Jay Garrick (aka Flash 1, 'the first Flash' or 'classic Flash') of the Justice Society of America. "Where do they get off calling us 'Earth-2'? That's demeaning! How would they like it if we called them 'Earth-Johnny-Come-Lately'? Or maybe 'Earth-Copycat'? I don't think they'd like that much at all. We're polite and didn't raise a fuss until now... but this whole new Crisis thing has opened up a big can of worms, I can tell you."

To improve the image of this unhappy parallel world, a decision was made at the highest levels. From now on, Earth-2 will insist on being known as 'Earth-Awesome.'

This decision provoked immediate controversy from many quarters.

"It'll confuse us with that dreadful alternate Earth where someone named Supreme is running around," said Wonder Woman of Earth-2. "You know, the fellow who seems like a bad carbon copy of Superman? I believe I read that he's had a few good adventures but honestly, I don't know..."

Asked for clarification on the naming convention post-Crisis, Under Secretary of State for Alternate and Parallel Worlds Dan DiDio said, "We're investigating the matter and intend to issue a statement very soon. We believe we can resolve this amicably, without resorting to another Crisis... though I cannot confirm or deny that a Crisis is being planned at this moment."

In the meantime, Earth-Awesome is putting out feelers to the 50 other "also-ran Earths" to see if they want to alter their naming conventions as well. "Just because they call themselves Earth-1 doesn't mean they're better than we are," huffed Power Girl (aka 'the Supergirl of Earth-2'). "I mean, really! What did they contribute to the multiverse that we didn't do first?"

Artwork copyright DC Comics Inc., all rights reserved

Fallopian Fortitude! Wonder Woman Arrested—(Update)

MANHATTAN - Early this morning, in yet another violently heroic effort: Wonder Woman flicked off and gut-punched Paris Hilton. Having stood all she could stand the Amazon Princess was heard murmuring "Save sanity, Save the world," before opening Paris up like a boom tube to Apokolips.

"That's hot," uttered the vapid blonde before disappearing in a blaze of white (It is speculated she was referring to a sudden expulsion of stomach acid.)

Hilton publicist, Elliot Mintz, claims his client will be available for interviews upon returning from the middle of next week. If that proves impossible, waiting for the world to catch up has ever been her burden.

When the smoke cleared Wonder Woman was taken into custody by a disappointed NYPD. "We thought Miss Woman was gonna go all Maxwell Lord on P.Hil," sighed Officer Scottie Flanders. "It's just criminal not to have finished the job."

Always the superhero WW may have actually saved Hilton's life. It seems an infamous bystander had designs on a more permanent solution to her prevalence, but, after witnessing this morning's Smackdown he had only this reaction: