BPD EXPRESS: Fourth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Real Shanti Virus
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered the origin of the Shanti virus. Patient Zero was not Shanti Suresh as previously conjectured. The true origin of the virus is none-other-than her younger brother Mohinder.

Upon further investigation [as shown in last week's installment of Heroes A Documentary] meta-humans [see extraordinary abilities] infected with the Shanti virus suffer the following symptoms:

• Decrease in logical thinking
• Hyper-inflated sense of self righteousness
• Bad taste in men
  

If you are a person with extraordinary abilities and are experiencing any of these symptoms please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 YOU'RE AN IDIOT.


Apish Behavior
Superman deported by the INS! Batman arrested for Child Endangerment! Nemesis jailed for flagrant use of Hair Pomade! Law Enforcement agencies rejoice in high-profile arrests due to pseudo-anonymous tips from contingent known only as Gorillaz Color of Mist. The group added to the chaos by releasing the following statement: "She's all ours now! (this is us laughing maniacally)"


An Ass Trumps Bush
You know Robot Chicken has corrupted your brain when you find yourself watching it on TiVo and rooting, audibly, for Paris 'V' Hilton to beat Barbara Bush down, in an oval office brawl. FIN-NISH Her!!!

Powered By N-Bomb
[The following in TV Announcer voice]
The Boondocks Animated Series! New and Improved for Season Two! And You! All the N-bombs, Now With a Point! Blacks, Negros and Coloreds everywhere rejoice! Same Great Laughter. None of the Awkward or Self-hate. Watch it today! Brought to you by an actual black, negro or colored.


This Just In...
If current trends continue the world is estimated to run out of superhero and/or villain monikers by the year--um, tomorrow. We urge you to go Green, as in lantern corps. Every little bit helps.


Best In Show
This week on, the BPD Hot Listed show, Reaper, Bert "Sock" Wysocki officially dubbed the Devil's daughter: BeelzeBabe.

Yeah, we wish we'd thought of it too.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

Mary Marvel Sex Tape Leaks to the Internet

EARTH S - Teen superhero Mary Marvel has shocked the world, and this time, there was no magic lightning involved. Following in the footsteps of Paris Hilton, Mary Marvel, recently given power from the supervillain Black Adam, appears in a 19 minute video that is making its rounds on the internet. The video is of Mary Marvel in the midst of what Air Force pilot Hal Jordan would call 'crowded airspace' or 'rushing the flight deck.' The men in the video are as of yet unidentified.

Friends of Mary Marvel, including Superman and Batman, have expressed concern that the young superheroine's behavior has been spinning out of control since re-acquiring her powers from Black Adam. 'She shot Clayface into space,' said Batman, when interviewed of the subject. 'Even I don't do that, and I'm the godd@amn Batman!'

Reporter Jimmy Olsen claims that he has his own theories about the identities of the men in the video. 'Well,' Olsen begins, 'I heard that one of them was the new superhero, Mr. Action.' BPD's response was, 'Who the hell is Mr. Action, and what kind of fanboy turd uses a name like that?' Olsen had no further comment.

Mary Marvel is as of yet unavailable for comment. Meanwhile, other young female heroines have expressed disgust at the behavior of Marvel. 'Eeewww,' said Supergirl. 'If she's gonna do that kind of stuff, it should at least be with a Green Lantern.'

Teen superheroes have had other romantic issues of late. Superhero Robin has filed suit against writer Adam Beechen. In a prepared statement, Robin claimed that Beechen has misrepresented his love life: 'He's got me chasing around Zoanne in one book and making out with Wonder Girl in another. I mean, I definitely got enough bat-rope to make it happen, but I'm a detective, not a man whore. Besides, if those chicks get close to me, chances are they're gonna be deader than fried chicken in a minute.'

This intrepid Reporter will stay on top of the teens and their superhero moral crisis as it develops.

Fallopian Fortitude! Wonder Woman Arrested—(Update)

MANHATTAN - Early this morning, in yet another violently heroic effort: Wonder Woman flicked off and gut-punched Paris Hilton. Having stood all she could stand the Amazon Princess was heard murmuring "Save sanity, Save the world," before opening Paris up like a boom tube to Apokolips.

"That's hot," uttered the vapid blonde before disappearing in a blaze of white (It is speculated she was referring to a sudden expulsion of stomach acid.)

Hilton publicist, Elliot Mintz, claims his client will be available for interviews upon returning from the middle of next week. If that proves impossible, waiting for the world to catch up has ever been her burden.

When the smoke cleared Wonder Woman was taken into custody by a disappointed NYPD. "We thought Miss Woman was gonna go all Maxwell Lord on P.Hil," sighed Officer Scottie Flanders. "It's just criminal not to have finished the job."

Always the superhero WW may have actually saved Hilton's life. It seems an infamous bystander had designs on a more permanent solution to her prevalence, but, after witnessing this morning's Smackdown he had only this reaction: