Mary Marvel Sex Tape Leaks to the Internet

EARTH S - Teen superhero Mary Marvel has shocked the world, and this time, there was no magic lightning involved. Following in the footsteps of Paris Hilton, Mary Marvel, recently given power from the supervillain Black Adam, appears in a 19 minute video that is making its rounds on the internet. The video is of Mary Marvel in the midst of what Air Force pilot Hal Jordan would call 'crowded airspace' or 'rushing the flight deck.' The men in the video are as of yet unidentified.

Friends of Mary Marvel, including Superman and Batman, have expressed concern that the young superheroine's behavior has been spinning out of control since re-acquiring her powers from Black Adam. 'She shot Clayface into space,' said Batman, when interviewed of the subject. 'Even I don't do that, and I'm the godd@amn Batman!'

Reporter Jimmy Olsen claims that he has his own theories about the identities of the men in the video. 'Well,' Olsen begins, 'I heard that one of them was the new superhero, Mr. Action.' BPD's response was, 'Who the hell is Mr. Action, and what kind of fanboy turd uses a name like that?' Olsen had no further comment.

Mary Marvel is as of yet unavailable for comment. Meanwhile, other young female heroines have expressed disgust at the behavior of Marvel. 'Eeewww,' said Supergirl. 'If she's gonna do that kind of stuff, it should at least be with a Green Lantern.'

Teen superheroes have had other romantic issues of late. Superhero Robin has filed suit against writer Adam Beechen. In a prepared statement, Robin claimed that Beechen has misrepresented his love life: 'He's got me chasing around Zoanne in one book and making out with Wonder Girl in another. I mean, I definitely got enough bat-rope to make it happen, but I'm a detective, not a man whore. Besides, if those chicks get close to me, chances are they're gonna be deader than fried chicken in a minute.'

This intrepid Reporter will stay on top of the teens and their superhero moral crisis as it develops.

Slugfest in the BPD Offices!

Today is Not Our Day, Laments Publisher Sherin

BPD WORLD HQ - Ask most people and they'll tell you that Friday the 13th isn't really THAT unlucky a day.

They don't work for the BPD.

As this goes online, Superman and Black Adam are duking it out in our offices. Seems that our reporters scheduled interviews with the two powerhouses at the same time. Unhappily, these two have clashed often and hard lately, so there was barely time for a shouted "everybody down!" before they started throwing hypersonic fists into jaws harder than titanium.

This is really bad. We're... oh no, there goes a server! Expect outages as we... jumpin' Christmas, I'm WORKING HERE! Injury due to heat vision and lightning bolts is NOT part of my insurance package! I'm... I'm getting outta here.

If we have an office this afternoon, folks, expect to see an update.

Action Comics #831 artwork is copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Sub-Mariner Bristles At Recent Black Adam Comparisons

ATLANTIS - "Imperius Rex! The comparisons started about a year ago, I believe," said Namor, prince of the fabled city of Atlantis.

"A year ago, criminals were running up to me, asking for political asylum. I allowed a few in. They drowned. Lately, surface dwellers have been wetting themselves at the very sight of me, begging me not to kill them. I'd prayed for this day but it was tainted once they'd start screaming, "Mercy, Black Adam, mercy!"

Leaning in close, right eyebrow raised haughtily, he asks this reporter: "Who is this Black Adam?"

I pulled out my laptop and pulled a GIS under "Black Adam." The Prince of Atlantis was quick to point out the obvious differences.

"I can see a slight resemblance. The widow's peak. The pointed ears. The raised eyebrow. The chiseled features. I have a throne, he has a throne. The difference is in the bearing, though. I display better form whilst hovering above my lessers."

For those who don't know, Black Adam is a Captain Marvel villain from comics' Golden Age. Blessed with the powers of six different gods, he at best only engaged in shenanigans designed to destroy the accursed Marvel Family. Nowadays, Adam has become one of comics' most feared villains, after his joining a secret society of super-villains comprised of the likes of Lex Luthor and Talia al Ghul, daughter of dead eco-terrorist, Ra's al Ghul.

Recently, his inability to halt the destruction of his beloved homeland, Kahndaq, led to the unfortunate deaths of his wife, Isis and brother-in-law, Osiris. Adam, racked with grief, killed millions of innocent men, women and children to get to the ones he'd implicated in their demise.

The Scion of Atlantis, rose from his throne and then asked to be excused. Returning shortly, he said, "I did not know it was possible to throw up in one's gills."

"I... I... Wow. I just blow into my seashell and threaten up-worlders, that's my "thing"... Black Adam. Wow. I think it best if people not associate me with this guy. Was Sue Richards unharmed?"