Henchmen on Strike!

GOTHAM CITY - The Union of Goons and Henchmen (UGH) has announced a general walk-out starting tomorrow at midnight.


"We've been lobbying for better pay and working conditions for awhile now," said union organizer Stooge #4 (aka Pun, aka Sudoku, aka Tabby). "We have to put up with being given silly codenames and even sillier costumes, then have to pay into our own group insurance. You think the big insurance guys want to cover the kind of injuries you get mixing it up with Batman? I don't think so!"


Supervillains across the country were outraged.


"Who's going to listen to my maniacal rants?" fumed the Joker. "It's just no fun to spew about your big plans to an empty room. If I wanted that, I could move back into my parents' basement."

There's also the issue of who will go and steal critical machinery for diabolical plots, who will construct impractical deathtraps, and who will take it on the chin while the supervillains make their timely getaways.


"You gotta understand, I got a kid going to college in two years," Stooge #4 said. "I have to provide for my family. If dressing up as a cat or calling myself Flurry #1 puts food on the table, I'll do it. But I want a little respect, you know?"

BPD EXPRESS: Fifth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Shanti Virus Cured
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered news of a cure for Shanti virus and it's name is Nathan Petrelli. Clinical trials show that exposing infected males to Petrelli results in:

• Pantywaist looks of confusion
  
• Dewy eyes with trembling lower lip
  
• Fierce Guy-Love man hugs and
  
• Complete reversal of all idiotic behavior
  

However, Petrelli has not proven to be an effective treatment for female patients. Quite the opposite. Due to infected women's inability to be 'that damn stupid,' the virus eventually results in their deaths via fiery explosion. (Research suggests blondes have the highest virus-to-explosion ratio.)

If you are a woman with extraordinary abilities and are infected with the Shanti Virus, please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 THATS RIGHT THE WOMAN IS SMARTER.

Henchman Go on Strike!
Sick of being reduced to fodder by the "fat cats" and never getting the spoils of victory The Henchmen Of Evildoers Association (HOEA) has gone on strike and asks "'Xactly what's our motivation? When's it go well for us?" but admitted "Yah, when Wonder Bags wraps them legs 'round ya head and squeezes it's nice for about nine seconds. Then ya wake up with Big Fruity as your cellmate. So again, when's it go well for us?"

HOEA intends to stage a walkout and commence negotiations(as a collective bargaining unit) in order to secure hazardous duty pay, retirement and health benefits, coverage of legal costs and royalties on the spoils.

The association, led by Thing 1 and Thing 2 of Cat in the Hat fame, welcomes: stooges, thugs, minions, cheap muscle, adjutants, accountants (criminal experience a plus), assorted flunkies and—the ultimate cannon fodder—red shirt Starfleet ensigns.


Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella but
Put A Helmet On Your Soldier
If You're Gonna Plow Right Through 'Em, You Might As Well Cover Your Horn! Brought to you by Rhino and new! Trojan® Adamantium Tipped Condoms in Magnum.
Now Strong Enough to Do She-Hulk!


Best In Show
Raja, on gigglefest Aliens In America, said "You know, growing up in Pakistan it never made sense to me how, in your religion, Jesus grew up to be so fat. Then I realized this was Santa Claus. I should have known he was too jolly to be a Messiah."

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE
Edited by DREW BITTNER