Superpowered Oddities: Vol 2.2.072.5b

News Of The Weird:
Presented by BPD

LAS VEGAS, NV – Arnold Napalm was the victim of a Mammicular Homicide when he was accidentally asphyxiated between two women outside a plastic surgeon's office. The women, old high school friends, were both scheduled for breast augmentation check-ups but hadn't realized they were seeing the same doctor. They squealed, ran towards each other and sandwiched, the at-first-thrilled, Arnold between them resulting in his death.

SEATTLE, WA – In hopes of overcoming her ailurophbia and cat hair allergies, or at least to bring the pain to all felines, Janice Tater injected herself with promicin. In a strange twist of fate her ability causes her to reek of catnip and fresh cream.

OKAY, OK– Kevin Mimic has a unique form of aural memory which causes him to recall everything ever uttered by President Bush in vivid detail. He is currently being treated for acute Wha-huh? Syndrome and over exposure to malapropism.

HELLHOLE CREEK, ID - Dexter Showtime, a serial killer who only kills serial killers got all mixed up last Thursday and killed himself. A suicide note, scrawled across his wall read simply: I Deserved It.

YEEHAW JUNCTION, FL - MISSING PERSON ALERT - Muggle-born, Ida Mae Jenkins Turnblat, had always thought Lord Voldemort was simply misunderstood and was probably "a right nice fella when ya git right down to it." She recently used her amazing disapparation powers to buzz over to Britain and join the Death Eaters. She has not been heard from since. Ida Mae, the product of inbreeding and an estrogen deficiency, is quite a remarkable figure with her untiddy black hair and large round glasses. There is also a jagged little scar on her forehead received from spying on cousin, Billy, as a child. Her Daddy-Uncle and Momma-Niece are offering a modest reward for news of her whereabouts.

Image of Dog Welder—the patron saint of superpowered weirdness—from Hitman #18 (September 1997)

Bush On Plague: "No Big Deal."

WASHINGTON, DC - President George W. Bush held a press conference to address the terrible plague sweeping across the nation, seemingly reanimating the recently deceased. Though preliminary reports put the casualty toll somewhere in the low thousands, President Bush was calm, and even optimistic.

"What we got here, see, is a disease. And what do you do with a disease? You take medicine. Heh, heh. No big deal."

Needless to say, the reporters assailed the Commander-in-Chief with a million questions, wanting to know if a source of the disease was identified or a cure for those already infected. Many wanted to know what we would be done about the roaming bands of infected victims who attack at random, and for some reason are immune to normal forms of injury. Unfazed, the President continued, saying that "a plan was enacting" and people had "only fear to fear, not the disease. Just fear fear."

While the press conference was played on nearly every available television and cable station, it received the lowest ratings in TV history, due to the fact most citizens are either barricading themselves in their homes or seeking shelter in designated stadiums, military bases and other public facilities.

What few people with the courage and necessity to venture from their homes and shelters were hesitant to stop for a interview, but some were willing to have their opinions heard.

"Might be the only time I'll be in a newspaper, right? asked a man running to the Harris Teeter who refused to be named. "I don't care what Bush says. I'm scared s***less! I can't reach my bros, my lady or any of my coworkers. I'm holed up with some dudes from dodgeball and thought I'd loot-uh, obtain legally as many supplies as I could."

Blair Grimes, a survival enthusiast and volunteer firefighter, is behind President Bush 100%. "He's the Prez. What he say, goes. And you can take it to the bank and cash it for a $1.20 on the dollar, fella. I'm not worried a bit. I got my beer. I got my old dog, Peaches. And I got my Betsy. When this blows over, Bush will be running for a third term." Betsy is the name of his boomstick, just to clarify. "My cousin's a cop couple of states over and if there was a real problem, he'd call me."

Looting is up 386% since the first case of the strange disease and accidental shootings are up 219%, which is adding more infected to the growing numbers. Many people blame FEMA and the CDC for not containing this problem in the early stages and being woefully inadequate for the job of halting the spread. "Who figures a virus could bring the dead to life? It's crazy!" are the only words we were able to make out from our phone call to FEMA head Michael Brown before the line went dead.

President Bush ended the press conference by saying, "This is a time for people, American people, our-you know, everybody to come together. We can get through this. No worries." Bush was immediately rushed to the waiting Air Force Two, which lifted off three minutes after the President was abroad.

Vice President Dick Cheney, who apparently was not being airlifted, approached the podium and only said, "Uunghhh..."