BPD EXPRESS: First Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Zombie Persecution
The entire subculture known as Zombies has filed for a restraining order against Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams and The Coyote Kid, under claims of persecution. "What's so wrong with wanting brains." says Zeeeedddd leader of P.E.T.Z (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies.) "Most of you aren't using them anyway."*

The Things That Change Boys To Men
Superboy-Prime has been re-dubbed Superman-Prime. Apparently acts of complete bastardy are developmentally defining .

Pantha’s head glad it could help.


Green Sure Is Sexy
In a recent study doctors have related promiscuity to the color green. Green Arrow, Hal Jordan, Savage Dragon and She-Hulk happy to, finally, be understood.

BPD Lacks Estrogen
A recent study shows most women don't read Bugle's Planet Daily. The report extrapolates that while Femme-Fans have highly developed senses of humor, the rise of the online 'feminist-hive-mind' may be sucking the joy out of comics. Comics-Sociologist Big Mike Pellegrino claims "That is so money!"

Flash Cited for Moving Violation in NYC
Flash has collected his 259th ticket for speeding in Manhattan, according to local authorities. "He zooms around like a maniac here and we'll ticket him," promised Police Chief Harlan McElroy. "That sort of stuff may be okay in little burgs like Keystone but it don't play in the Big Apple." Flash's lawyer, Harvey Birdman, insisted that his client will be declared innocent and his record cleared now that he has taken the case.

Ronon Dex Cuts Hair; Wraith Proclaim Victory In Pegasus Galaxy
News reaches us through the Stargate that Ronon Dex, fierce warrior of Sateda and member of the Stargate Atlantis off-world team, has decided to cut his trademark wild dreadlocks for reasons unknown. The move was greeted with mixed feelings by members of the Atlantis expedition, particularly the female members.

"I'm happy to see Ronon doing more to fit in with the team," said expedition leader Colonel Samantha Carter. "Those dreadlocks get in the way in a firefight. Funny that Teal'C grows his hair out and Ronon cuts his, but they end up with the same style. Must be an alien thing."

"I don't like it," said base physician Dr. Jennifer Keller. "He looks like he should be on 'Baywatch' now. He's gonna look mighty silly running around in that big duster with short hair."

Dex himself was unavailable for comment, but the news apparently reached as far as a Wraith Hive Ship, members of which took time out from their war against the Replicators to comment on the fashion move.

"This is further proof that we shall reign victorious over the humans once we're done with these machines," said a Wraith who only identified himself as "Bob." "Our hair is naturally superior--smoother, silkier, and a sign of our prowess in battle. All the humans we feed off of do great things for our hair's health, let me tell you."

* BREAKING NEWS!!! Zombie Persecution Con't
Members of P.E.T.Z. appeared to be demonstrating at sites unrelated to Williams or the Kid. Locals found their moaning noise "annoying" and asked police to arrest them as a public nuisance. Locals were later devoured by demonstrators.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
MARTIN BOSWORTH, DREW BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

Bush On Plague: "No Big Deal."

WASHINGTON, DC - President George W. Bush held a press conference to address the terrible plague sweeping across the nation, seemingly reanimating the recently deceased. Though preliminary reports put the casualty toll somewhere in the low thousands, President Bush was calm, and even optimistic.

"What we got here, see, is a disease. And what do you do with a disease? You take medicine. Heh, heh. No big deal."

Needless to say, the reporters assailed the Commander-in-Chief with a million questions, wanting to know if a source of the disease was identified or a cure for those already infected. Many wanted to know what we would be done about the roaming bands of infected victims who attack at random, and for some reason are immune to normal forms of injury. Unfazed, the President continued, saying that "a plan was enacting" and people had "only fear to fear, not the disease. Just fear fear."

While the press conference was played on nearly every available television and cable station, it received the lowest ratings in TV history, due to the fact most citizens are either barricading themselves in their homes or seeking shelter in designated stadiums, military bases and other public facilities.

What few people with the courage and necessity to venture from their homes and shelters were hesitant to stop for a interview, but some were willing to have their opinions heard.

"Might be the only time I'll be in a newspaper, right? asked a man running to the Harris Teeter who refused to be named. "I don't care what Bush says. I'm scared s***less! I can't reach my bros, my lady or any of my coworkers. I'm holed up with some dudes from dodgeball and thought I'd loot-uh, obtain legally as many supplies as I could."

Blair Grimes, a survival enthusiast and volunteer firefighter, is behind President Bush 100%. "He's the Prez. What he say, goes. And you can take it to the bank and cash it for a $1.20 on the dollar, fella. I'm not worried a bit. I got my beer. I got my old dog, Peaches. And I got my Betsy. When this blows over, Bush will be running for a third term." Betsy is the name of his boomstick, just to clarify. "My cousin's a cop couple of states over and if there was a real problem, he'd call me."

Looting is up 386% since the first case of the strange disease and accidental shootings are up 219%, which is adding more infected to the growing numbers. Many people blame FEMA and the CDC for not containing this problem in the early stages and being woefully inadequate for the job of halting the spread. "Who figures a virus could bring the dead to life? It's crazy!" are the only words we were able to make out from our phone call to FEMA head Michael Brown before the line went dead.

President Bush ended the press conference by saying, "This is a time for people, American people, our-you know, everybody to come together. We can get through this. No worries." Bush was immediately rushed to the waiting Air Force Two, which lifted off three minutes after the President was abroad.

Vice President Dick Cheney, who apparently was not being airlifted, approached the podium and only said, "Uunghhh..."