BPD EXPRESS: First Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Zombie Persecution
The entire subculture known as Zombies has filed for a restraining order against Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams and The Coyote Kid, under claims of persecution. "What's so wrong with wanting brains." says Zeeeedddd leader of P.E.T.Z (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies.) "Most of you aren't using them anyway."*

The Things That Change Boys To Men
Superboy-Prime has been re-dubbed Superman-Prime. Apparently acts of complete bastardy are developmentally defining .

Pantha’s head glad it could help.


Green Sure Is Sexy
In a recent study doctors have related promiscuity to the color green. Green Arrow, Hal Jordan, Savage Dragon and She-Hulk happy to, finally, be understood.

BPD Lacks Estrogen
A recent study shows most women don't read Bugle's Planet Daily. The report extrapolates that while Femme-Fans have highly developed senses of humor, the rise of the online 'feminist-hive-mind' may be sucking the joy out of comics. Comics-Sociologist Big Mike Pellegrino claims "That is so money!"

Flash Cited for Moving Violation in NYC
Flash has collected his 259th ticket for speeding in Manhattan, according to local authorities. "He zooms around like a maniac here and we'll ticket him," promised Police Chief Harlan McElroy. "That sort of stuff may be okay in little burgs like Keystone but it don't play in the Big Apple." Flash's lawyer, Harvey Birdman, insisted that his client will be declared innocent and his record cleared now that he has taken the case.

Ronon Dex Cuts Hair; Wraith Proclaim Victory In Pegasus Galaxy
News reaches us through the Stargate that Ronon Dex, fierce warrior of Sateda and member of the Stargate Atlantis off-world team, has decided to cut his trademark wild dreadlocks for reasons unknown. The move was greeted with mixed feelings by members of the Atlantis expedition, particularly the female members.

"I'm happy to see Ronon doing more to fit in with the team," said expedition leader Colonel Samantha Carter. "Those dreadlocks get in the way in a firefight. Funny that Teal'C grows his hair out and Ronon cuts his, but they end up with the same style. Must be an alien thing."

"I don't like it," said base physician Dr. Jennifer Keller. "He looks like he should be on 'Baywatch' now. He's gonna look mighty silly running around in that big duster with short hair."

Dex himself was unavailable for comment, but the news apparently reached as far as a Wraith Hive Ship, members of which took time out from their war against the Replicators to comment on the fashion move.

"This is further proof that we shall reign victorious over the humans once we're done with these machines," said a Wraith who only identified himself as "Bob." "Our hair is naturally superior--smoother, silkier, and a sign of our prowess in battle. All the humans we feed off of do great things for our hair's health, let me tell you."

* BREAKING NEWS!!! Zombie Persecution Con't
Members of P.E.T.Z. appeared to be demonstrating at sites unrelated to Williams or the Kid. Locals found their moaning noise "annoying" and asked police to arrest them as a public nuisance. Locals were later devoured by demonstrators.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
MARTIN BOSWORTH, DREW BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

Green Linked To Promiscuity

"Look at me. I'm absolutely irresistible.
You're thinking about eating me right now."

NYE COUNTY, NEVADA - It has long been thought the Spanish Fly, an emerald-green beetle in the family Meloidae, was a powerful aphrodisiac, but new studies show it is actually the insect's green color and not its chemical make-up that turns up the heat.

Spiritualist agree as green is the color of the heart chakra which is ruler of both pleasure and touch. Furthering this theory, the all female scientists of Nevada's famous Chicken Ranch have found that the sexual urges induced by green must be satisfied post-haste or risk debilitating side-effects like Pimpus Slapidus or Madamius Meltdownae.

The ladies believe this is especially true of heroes and meta-humans. One Chicken Head had this to say, "A hero or meta-human's sense of self is often thoroughly intertwined with their costume and/or mutation; which in turn becomes their primary means of relating to the world. The most resonant component of this 'identity' is color. Bottomline: You mix high levels of adrenalin, self-righteousness and any shade of green and BOOM it's liable to make your head blow off. Both of them."

This discovery has huge ramifications for those heroes who have often been reviled for their sexual appetites and proclivities. Green Arrow was relieved at the news, "I told Canary it could really hurt me if I didn't get it regular. Guess she owes me some makeup...er...an apology."

She-Hulk was overjoyed, "All of you can quit calling me 'skank' behind my back. And by the way I DID NOT SLEEP WITH JUGGERNAUT, but even if I had, I couldn't help myself. It's an affliction."

When asked for his thoughts The Savage Dragon grinned wickedly but shook his head no, "I don't think it's the green—you know what I'm saying?" Speaking of wicked, The Witch of the West, Elphaba Thropp, can now call Glinda Goodwitch's persecution what it is. Intolerance. "I'm gettin' it. She ain't," said the emerald sex symbol whose pinups are the most downloaded in all of OZ.







Teasers like Beast Boy and Fire seemed confused by the findings and insisted they just flirt for fun. "I don't think it's my color at all," said Fire. "I'm just a hot blooded latina, j'know?" Green M&M was more forthcoming, "My aphrodisiac powers are legendary," said the spherical hottie. "Look at me. I'm absolutely irresistible. You're thinking about eating me right now."

Poisoness babe, Cheshire, claims to have known it all along and entreated, "Just ask my Babies' Daddies." Neither Catman nor Arsenal could be reached for comment.

In a rather disturbing side note: the Ladies of the Chicken Ranch claim their discovery was precipitated by frequent visits from a cone-headed, green man who offered Oreos in exchange for favors. The entity had yet to be identified at press time.

SPECIAL THANKS TO DEVON AND DREW FOR THE ASSIST

Legal Analysis: She-Hulk Alleges Stark Causes Impotency

Unlike other STDs, Stark disease changes skin color from green.
Brandon Keith Hallmark

NEW YORK (Bugle's-Planet) – A suit filed in the Federal District Court of New York against S.H.I.E.L.D. director Tony Stark was allowed to continue today after Walters' claims that Stark knowingly infected her with a virus after a sexual tryst. The complaint goes on to claim the virus has caused Walters to suffer from “super-impotency.”

According to Walter's claim, on an afternoon with Stark on the SHIELD Hellicarrier, a conversation caused Walters to "fling [with] Stark, the eventual outcome of which was the infection of Ms. Walters and the resultant loss of Ms. Walters' powers."

Walters' claim is based on laws developed in the 1980 and 1990s at the height of the AIDS epidemic to prevent and punish those who would knowingly or recklessly endanger their partners by exposing them to a life-threatening virus.

Counsel for Stark however moved quickly to question Walters' character. “I think the Court will have a tremendously difficult time buying Ms. Walters' case. Ms. Walters has a well-known reputation for sleeping around,” said Stark counsel Mallory Book. “Who’s to say this isn’t some virus she caught sleeping with the Juggernaut?”

“I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THE JUGGERNAUT!!!!” Walters bellowed from the background.

While federal rape shield laws protect sexual assault victims from character assassination in criminal rape cases, it is not clear if Walters will do so in a this civil matter. Still, Walters – a former member of the law firm Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway before leaving to join Stark’s HULKBUSTER unit– intends to move forward.

An amended complaint, filed by Walters this week, lays out further grievances. The complaint alleges that Stark also assaulted Walters' cousin, Bruce Banner, forcing Banner to ride “[Stark’s] big, red rocket” until it “blew up in Banner’s space.”

Walters seeks damages of over $5 million, including pain and suffering relating to her recovery, as well as an undetermined sum for Banner. Walters’ doctors revealed on Wednesday that Walters has since overcome her super-impotency after alternative treatment.

Stark, a keen businessman, has used the media attention to focus attention on Stark Enterprises recent acquisition of Church & Dwight Co., Inc., the manufacturer of Trojan Condoms. “Now, you too can be an Iron Man in bed,” quips a new ad slogan.

Walters' Amended Complaint now seeks the development of an Iron Codpiece attachment to Stark’s Iron Man suit to prevent Stark from infecting future partners. “I already have an iron piece, thank you,” commented Stark before being shooed away by Book.

Given the seriousness of the evidence brought by Walters, a criminal investigation has been opened by the Justice Department and is ongoing. When asked to comment about a rumored pardon, an exasperated Dana Perino, spokeswoman for President Bush, quickly mentioned that the administration does not comment on ongoing criminal investigations unless that person works for the Vice President.

“In regards to Ms. Walters' civil suit, however, we believe the evidence presented will prove the girth of Mr. Stark’s…character. And there will be rapid movement to thrust this issue forward and cause an undeniable climax,” said Perino on her way to the Sexual Health and Prevention Center at the Whitman-Walker Clinic.

Brandon Keith Hallmark is an Of Counsel at Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway and a Legal Analyst for the Bugle-Planet Daily.