Iron Man Loses Keys to Newest Suit of Armor

Going "Low-Tech" Doesn't Pay for Armored Avenger

NEW YORK CITY - In a cruel twist of fate, Tony Stark lost the keys to his latest suit of armor. "It's been shown over and over again that even the most sophisticated tech can be hacked," Stark explained at SHIELD HQ earlier today. "My newest suit incorporated a key lock as part of its security... and it seems that I have lost the key."

Coming on the heels of some high-profile missteps, the loss was little short of embarrassing for the Golden Avenger, one of the founders of the Avengers and their primary benefactor through the years.

Retracing his steps with the help of SHIELD agents, the spy agency's director ended up making unannounced calls on Paris Hilton, the Blue Area of the Moon, the X-Mansion, Atlantis (twice), six nightclubs, four casinos, the New York Stock Exchange, the top of the Empire State Building, Avengers Mansion, Paris Hilton (again), and the dressing room of the Radio City Rockettes. To date, no progress has been reported in finding the key.

"It's not like I can call AAA and get them to pop open the window for me," Stark grumbled. "I mean, this is billion-dollar hardware! Aw man, now I'm gonna have to build a billion-dollar can opener."

Iron Man artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Legal Analysis: She-Hulk Alleges Stark Causes Impotency

Unlike other STDs, Stark disease changes skin color from green.
Brandon Keith Hallmark

NEW YORK (Bugle's-Planet) – A suit filed in the Federal District Court of New York against S.H.I.E.L.D. director Tony Stark was allowed to continue today after Walters' claims that Stark knowingly infected her with a virus after a sexual tryst. The complaint goes on to claim the virus has caused Walters to suffer from “super-impotency.”

According to Walter's claim, on an afternoon with Stark on the SHIELD Hellicarrier, a conversation caused Walters to "fling [with] Stark, the eventual outcome of which was the infection of Ms. Walters and the resultant loss of Ms. Walters' powers."

Walters' claim is based on laws developed in the 1980 and 1990s at the height of the AIDS epidemic to prevent and punish those who would knowingly or recklessly endanger their partners by exposing them to a life-threatening virus.

Counsel for Stark however moved quickly to question Walters' character. “I think the Court will have a tremendously difficult time buying Ms. Walters' case. Ms. Walters has a well-known reputation for sleeping around,” said Stark counsel Mallory Book. “Who’s to say this isn’t some virus she caught sleeping with the Juggernaut?”

“I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THE JUGGERNAUT!!!!” Walters bellowed from the background.

While federal rape shield laws protect sexual assault victims from character assassination in criminal rape cases, it is not clear if Walters will do so in a this civil matter. Still, Walters – a former member of the law firm Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway before leaving to join Stark’s HULKBUSTER unit– intends to move forward.

An amended complaint, filed by Walters this week, lays out further grievances. The complaint alleges that Stark also assaulted Walters' cousin, Bruce Banner, forcing Banner to ride “[Stark’s] big, red rocket” until it “blew up in Banner’s space.”

Walters seeks damages of over $5 million, including pain and suffering relating to her recovery, as well as an undetermined sum for Banner. Walters’ doctors revealed on Wednesday that Walters has since overcome her super-impotency after alternative treatment.

Stark, a keen businessman, has used the media attention to focus attention on Stark Enterprises recent acquisition of Church & Dwight Co., Inc., the manufacturer of Trojan Condoms. “Now, you too can be an Iron Man in bed,” quips a new ad slogan.

Walters' Amended Complaint now seeks the development of an Iron Codpiece attachment to Stark’s Iron Man suit to prevent Stark from infecting future partners. “I already have an iron piece, thank you,” commented Stark before being shooed away by Book.

Given the seriousness of the evidence brought by Walters, a criminal investigation has been opened by the Justice Department and is ongoing. When asked to comment about a rumored pardon, an exasperated Dana Perino, spokeswoman for President Bush, quickly mentioned that the administration does not comment on ongoing criminal investigations unless that person works for the Vice President.

“In regards to Ms. Walters' civil suit, however, we believe the evidence presented will prove the girth of Mr. Stark’s…character. And there will be rapid movement to thrust this issue forward and cause an undeniable climax,” said Perino on her way to the Sexual Health and Prevention Center at the Whitman-Walker Clinic.

Brandon Keith Hallmark is an Of Counsel at Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway and a Legal Analyst for the Bugle-Planet Daily.

Captain America Not Really Dead?

Conspiracy Theories, Random Sightings Flourish in Wake of Hero's Murder

TRUEHORN, MT. - Drive too fast and you'll miss it altogether, especially since even GPS locators have a hard time spotting Truehorn, Montana. But this tiny little village (pop. 47) may become a great deal more popular after the announcement of a famous visitor this past weekend: Captain America.

"I seen him myself," said Elias Gobblemyer, owner of the town's diner The Elk and Trout. "Big as life, totin' that shield--which is a lot bigger'n I figgered--and askin' for a hearty breakfast. Said he had places to go."

'Cap' paused long enough to take a picture with Gobblemyer and sign autographs for a handful of awestruck fans.

"Maggie Davis asked him if he wasn't dead, which I thought was real rude of her, but he laughed and said who can kill the American spirit? Then he hopped on this big red, white an' blue motorcycle and took off westwards. Ain't seen nothin' like it a'fore and don't 'spect I will again," Gobblemyer said.

Cap also surfaced in Point Stone, GA, this week, as well as in Bluffview, NM, and Chutt's Falls, VT, all within the space of four days.

The trouble with these sightings is that Captain America is due to be interred in Arlington National Cemetery--resting place for many of America's fallen soldiers--this week.

"Truehorn, Montana? Bluffview, New Mexico?" laughed SHIELD director Tony Stark (aka Iron Man). "I can think of a lot of places Cap might show up, but the middle of Montana or New Mexico isn't one of them. My old friend and comrade is quite deceased. This... person is an simple impostor, trying to grab some fame by pretending to be Captain America. I know the papers have reported extensively on past 'deaths' of Captain America, but this is the real thing. Captain America is dead."

Stark did not address rumors that Captain America's death was faked so that he could be held captive by his nemesis, the Red Skull, or that there are actually many "Captains America" cloned and standing by to serve their nation. SHIELD press spokesman Nestor Gaines called these allegations "rampant rumor-mongering and paranoid conspiracy theories run amuck."

Services for Captain America will be held this week. A statue of Cap has already been raised in the national cemetery; visitors will be admitted through a security cordon established to prevent vandalism or other mischief.

If you have a Captain America sighting, call our hotline at 1-888-555-TIPS!

Captain America artwork by Steve McNiven, copyright Marvel Comics 2007