BPD EXPRESS: First Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Zombie Persecution
The entire subculture known as Zombies has filed for a restraining order against Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams and The Coyote Kid, under claims of persecution. "What's so wrong with wanting brains." says Zeeeedddd leader of P.E.T.Z (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies.) "Most of you aren't using them anyway."*

The Things That Change Boys To Men
Superboy-Prime has been re-dubbed Superman-Prime. Apparently acts of complete bastardy are developmentally defining .

Pantha’s head glad it could help.


Green Sure Is Sexy
In a recent study doctors have related promiscuity to the color green. Green Arrow, Hal Jordan, Savage Dragon and She-Hulk happy to, finally, be understood.

BPD Lacks Estrogen
A recent study shows most women don't read Bugle's Planet Daily. The report extrapolates that while Femme-Fans have highly developed senses of humor, the rise of the online 'feminist-hive-mind' may be sucking the joy out of comics. Comics-Sociologist Big Mike Pellegrino claims "That is so money!"

Flash Cited for Moving Violation in NYC
Flash has collected his 259th ticket for speeding in Manhattan, according to local authorities. "He zooms around like a maniac here and we'll ticket him," promised Police Chief Harlan McElroy. "That sort of stuff may be okay in little burgs like Keystone but it don't play in the Big Apple." Flash's lawyer, Harvey Birdman, insisted that his client will be declared innocent and his record cleared now that he has taken the case.

Ronon Dex Cuts Hair; Wraith Proclaim Victory In Pegasus Galaxy
News reaches us through the Stargate that Ronon Dex, fierce warrior of Sateda and member of the Stargate Atlantis off-world team, has decided to cut his trademark wild dreadlocks for reasons unknown. The move was greeted with mixed feelings by members of the Atlantis expedition, particularly the female members.

"I'm happy to see Ronon doing more to fit in with the team," said expedition leader Colonel Samantha Carter. "Those dreadlocks get in the way in a firefight. Funny that Teal'C grows his hair out and Ronon cuts his, but they end up with the same style. Must be an alien thing."

"I don't like it," said base physician Dr. Jennifer Keller. "He looks like he should be on 'Baywatch' now. He's gonna look mighty silly running around in that big duster with short hair."

Dex himself was unavailable for comment, but the news apparently reached as far as a Wraith Hive Ship, members of which took time out from their war against the Replicators to comment on the fashion move.

"This is further proof that we shall reign victorious over the humans once we're done with these machines," said a Wraith who only identified himself as "Bob." "Our hair is naturally superior--smoother, silkier, and a sign of our prowess in battle. All the humans we feed off of do great things for our hair's health, let me tell you."

* BREAKING NEWS!!! Zombie Persecution Con't
Members of P.E.T.Z. appeared to be demonstrating at sites unrelated to Williams or the Kid. Locals found their moaning noise "annoying" and asked police to arrest them as a public nuisance. Locals were later devoured by demonstrators.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
MARTIN BOSWORTH, DREW BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

GL Corps Arrests Watcher for Voyeurism

"Cosmic Peeping Tom!" Accuses Guy Gardner

OA - Green Lantern Corps members stormed the Blue Area of the Moon yesterday and took Uatu (aka, "the Watcher") into custody; he will be charged with mass violations of privacy. Speaking for the Corps, Salaak said, "We've had the Watcher under surveillance for some time now. Thousands of sentient-hours went into this case and we're proud of the result."The Corps alleges that Uatu has been essentially a "cosmic peeping tom" who peered under the clothes and into the windows of every world in the multiverse. The Corps alleges that Uatu, under the guise of his charge to observe was, in fact the worst kind of galactic predator.

The Corps' detractors charge that the high profile move against the Watcher was only an effort to drum up good press in a bad time and distract critics. The allegation would not be far-fetched if the Corps did not have crisis-level challenges. Problems have only multiplied for the ringslinging agents of the Guardians of the Universe.

Recently, the Green Lantern Corps has suffered massive fatalities after attacks by rival Sinestro Corps, who spread fear using yellow power rings. Members of this Corps reportedly include some of the most terrible and evil beings known to exist. Also, rumors persist of pink power rings in use by a "Star Sapphire Corps," which may or may not be a further complication to the emerald lawmen.

Countering those claims, veteran GL and honor guardsman Guy Gardner said, "This big-headed freak was getting his jollies peeping into the bathrooms and bedrooms of everybody. He's been doing it for years! Am I the only one totally creeped out by that? Didn't think so! We either take space-law seriously or we pack it in and turn off the big green lantern on Oa.

"Thanks to us he ain't 'watching' anymore. Besides, he's not as tough as the Sinestro Corps."

Uatu is seeking new legal representation following the sudden demise of his attorney, Harvey "I'll Take the Case!" Birdman.

Uatu the Watcher copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved
Guy Gardner, Green Lantern Corps and Sinestro Corps copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved