The New Name Of Fear....Ari Gold Joins The Sinestro Corps!

PLAYBOY GROTTO - Across the universe—and especially Hollywood—no name inspires fear more than Ari Gold, Powerhouse Agent. Oppressing assistants, backstabbing friends, turning a hug into a feared symbol of alpha-male dominance; Ari Gold [of the hit reality series Entourage] inspires sheer terror in all those who come across him.

So it was only logical that alien mastermind Sinestro, in recruiting villains and ne'er do-wells for the assemblage of evil known as the Sinestro Corps, should send a yellow power ring to Ari's office. Would he conscript Ari into the ranks? Bugle's Planet Daily has the exclusive scoop:

Power Ring: ARI GOLD, EARTHMAN OF SECTOR 2814. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO INSTILL GREAT FEAR--

Ari Gold: Ok, listen here, you pyrite-plated piece of $#@! There's only one ring that tells me what to do, and it's not on this finger. The last time I listened to a %$#ing ring, I ended up with therapy bills in the five figures and a wife who doesn't understand I take calls to keep her in her Tuscan villa nine weeks out of the year! So if you have anything else to say, say it quick before I go downtown and pawn you for a pack of Marlboros and the gun I'm going to kill my assistant with!

Power Ring: ---uh, welcome to the Sinestro Corps. Please. If you want. No pressure or anything.

So it was that Ari quickly journeyed to the antimatter world of Qward, headquarters of the Sinestro Corps, for a talk with the intergalactic fiend.

Sinestro: Ah, excellent. A human this time. You must be a fearsome being indeed for the ring to have chosen you.

Ari Gold: Fearsome? Listen, you purple p3%!$ eater, when anyone speaks my name at all, from Rodeo Drive to Reseda, it's said with the hushed tones you reserve for when someone's career dies faster than Lindsay Lohan gets bounced back into rehab. If you want me to take this whole "esprit de corpse" crap seriously, you better show me something more than a bunch of flying fake jewelry and guys who looked like they got rejected from a Troma Films audition.

Sinestro: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME
IN SUCH A FASHION, YOU HAIRLESS APE! I AM SINESTRO, LEADER OF THE SINESTRO CORPS! THROUGH ME SHALL TERROR BE BROUGHT TO THE UNIVERSE! ALL WILL BOW BEFORE THE POWER OF FEAR THAT I COMMAND!

Ari Gold: Nice speech, Jughead. If I was 25 and liked c@#!, we might've been something. But right here and now, you're just wasting my time, and you know what I do with people who waste my time?

Sinestro: I WILL--

*Ari promptly incinerates Sinestro*

Ari Gold: Well, I was gonna hug it out with you, b?!$&h, but in your case, I made an exception.

And so it was that Ari Gold took command of the Sinestro Corps, laying waste to all opposition before him. His first task, naturally, was to commission the Corps to ensure that Ari's number-one talent, Vince Chase, starred in the film version of "Green Lantern.

Vince: Ari, I don't get it. Why does every girl this Kyle Rayner guy dates end up in a refrigerator?

Drama: Heyyy, check out the skirts this Hal Jordan guy chases! Sign me up!

Turtle: WHAT? My first part in a movie and I'm playing the pig-faced dude? Ari, what's all that?

Eric: Ari, I really dunno if this is right for Vince. Maybe we should think about it.

Ari Gold: Think? THINK? DON'T THINK, SIGN THE DEAL! FIRE BAD! This is not rocket science! You're making this f&*^%ng movie happen if I have to take over the entire multiverse to do it! Lloyd! LLOYD! Get the paperwork in here for this deal or I'll put you in the cage with Superboy Prime again, I swear to God!

Eric: Ari, maybe you should just slow it down and we can think of other options here.

Ari Gold (cocking power ring): Oh, I have a few options in mind, believe me....

*incinerates Eric*

Ari Gold: Anyone else got problems? No? Good. Lloyd, get me a double decaf latte and the sector assignment of that Soranik Natu chick. I want a better look at how she slings her ring. (smiles) It's good to be the boss.

GL Corps Arrests Watcher for Voyeurism

"Cosmic Peeping Tom!" Accuses Guy Gardner

OA - Green Lantern Corps members stormed the Blue Area of the Moon yesterday and took Uatu (aka, "the Watcher") into custody; he will be charged with mass violations of privacy. Speaking for the Corps, Salaak said, "We've had the Watcher under surveillance for some time now. Thousands of sentient-hours went into this case and we're proud of the result."The Corps alleges that Uatu has been essentially a "cosmic peeping tom" who peered under the clothes and into the windows of every world in the multiverse. The Corps alleges that Uatu, under the guise of his charge to observe was, in fact the worst kind of galactic predator.

The Corps' detractors charge that the high profile move against the Watcher was only an effort to drum up good press in a bad time and distract critics. The allegation would not be far-fetched if the Corps did not have crisis-level challenges. Problems have only multiplied for the ringslinging agents of the Guardians of the Universe.

Recently, the Green Lantern Corps has suffered massive fatalities after attacks by rival Sinestro Corps, who spread fear using yellow power rings. Members of this Corps reportedly include some of the most terrible and evil beings known to exist. Also, rumors persist of pink power rings in use by a "Star Sapphire Corps," which may or may not be a further complication to the emerald lawmen.

Countering those claims, veteran GL and honor guardsman Guy Gardner said, "This big-headed freak was getting his jollies peeping into the bathrooms and bedrooms of everybody. He's been doing it for years! Am I the only one totally creeped out by that? Didn't think so! We either take space-law seriously or we pack it in and turn off the big green lantern on Oa.

"Thanks to us he ain't 'watching' anymore. Besides, he's not as tough as the Sinestro Corps."

Uatu is seeking new legal representation following the sudden demise of his attorney, Harvey "I'll Take the Case!" Birdman.

Uatu the Watcher copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved
Guy Gardner, Green Lantern Corps and Sinestro Corps copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved