Salacious Film Producer Woos Mr. Fantastic

BURBANK, CA - Bawdy video production company Vapid Vixen Films announced a deal in the works with, former Fantastic Four leader, Dr. Reed Richards to star in a new series of films for international distribution. Richards, better known as "Mr. Fantastic," has been sought for years by lascivious film producers who have dreamt of the myriad possibilities presented by his unique power to stretch his body. However, up until now Richards has staunchly declined all advances.

Dr. Richards had no comment issued through his attorney, Matthew Murdock. However, industry insiders point to Richards' wife, Sue—and recent news of her deep-sea escapades—as the cause of his meltdown.

Reached at Fantastic Four headquarters Benjamin J. Grimm, the Thing, had this comment, "Youse crummy mugs oughta lay off. Stretcho went offa the deep end when he found out that Namor had hit Suzie's drawers."

Vapid Vixen Film's press release indicated that Richard's first film, tentatively titled, "They Call Me Mr. Fantastic!" is currently being scripted?

Namor: 'I Hit That!'

ATLANTIS - After decades of speculation, Namor, the Sub-Mariner, has finally broken the silence on his suspected romantic tryst with Susan Storm of the Fantastic Four.

In the interview, conducted by BPD's love correspondant, Big Mike, Namor tells all. A partial transcript of the interview is below.

Big Mike: So, Namor, now that Civil War's over and we're all pretty sure Reed Richards is an assclown, tell us what really went down with Sue.

Namor: What happened, Mike, is that I hit that. Sue came to me and asked me to join the anti-registration side, and I said 'well, Sue, what's in it for me?' Not like I had to talk her into it, though. She's been eyeing me for years.

Big Mike: This is quite a revelation. Do you think now that her marital troubles with Dr. Richards appear to be behind her that your little romantic entaglement is over?

Namor: I doubt it. The world may think that being stretchy and limp is a superpower, but that's because they haven't talked to the man's wife.

Big Mike: Ouch.

Sue Storm is not available for comment, but Franklin Richards, so-called son of a genius, is already calling for a paternity test. "Reed's a douche. I want Namor to be my dad," Franklin said.

The only member of the Fantastic Four who would speak with BPD was Ben Grimm, also known as the Thing. His response was short and to the point: "Yeah, I hit that too."