Doomsday True Name Revealed, Reputation Destroyed

METROPOLIS - Feared through our corner of the galaxy as an unstoppable killing machine, not to mention the monster who killed Superman, Doomsday's most terrible secret has come to light.

His real name is Dances With Flower Petals.

"I was really shocked to find that out," admits Superman. "I mean, it's one thing to be beaten to death by something called Doomsday, even if it was Booster Gold that named him, but...Dances With Flower Petals? That would've been embarrassing. I can't wait to tell Batman. He's gonna love this!"

Booster Gold laughed so hard he slung himself over top of Skeets, "They couldn't think of a good Kryptonian name? Kal-Kill or Bash-El?"

Cub reporter Jimmy Olsen is credited with uncovering the gray-skinned behemoth's birthname. How did he do it?

"I backtracked his path of destruction from where his cyber-crypt was buried," Olsen said. "Oddly, nobody had done that yet! And there it was, carved into the metal in Kryptonian symbols. I had STAR Labs translate and they said it reads, 'His name is Dances With Flower Petals. Do not open. He's feeling messed up about it.' I guess whoever put him in there had a thing for understatement."

Doomsday was asked for a comment (from half a star system away), "It was the Summer of Love! Everyone was calling their kid something weird! Awwww...!" upon further reflection he continued "If Jimmy Olsen ain't dead by the time I get to Earth, I'm gonna kill him myself. Slow." Rubbing his rocky jaw and cracking his poison-dripping knuckles, he added, "Being Superman's pal ain't gonna save you this time, kid."

Jimmy Olsen was characteristically undaunted by the hulking creature's threat. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll be waiting for you...Rosie."

Doomsday art by Dan Jurgens, all rights reserved DC Comics

Galactus on Diet; Trillions of Sentients Rejoice

DEEP SPACE - Feared throughout space as the "Devourer of Worlds," Galactus announced today that he is going on a diet. The cosmic entity said that his purple armor was "a bit snug" and that shedding some weight would improve his health and vitality.

Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, said, "Galactus only appears to be human to us, but weight issues are universal. He may feel that his appearance is not what he might like. It's true, even though he has the power to eat a world, he doesn't have the power to hide those love handles. My guess is that he last consumed an especially life-rich world. The effects show up on him the way wolfing down an entire banquet would show up on a supermodel."

He added, "You'd think a being on par with Eternity and Death would be past stuff like this, but he's got an ego to match his appetite. Do you know he used to have a big G on the front of his armor? I mean, really! And people think I've got a big head calling myself 'Mr. Fantastic.'"

Reaction to Galactus' news was immediate... and jubilant.

"We really thought we were next," said Ag'lyugeh, an alien from planet Xyrux 9 in the Lesser Magellanic Cloud. "Galactus' great big silver ball spaceship is heading this way, we begin shutting down our civilization... and now this! There's a party on Xyrux 9 like you wouldn't believe. Oh, we know it might only be a temporary reprieve, but we'll take what we can get, you know?" And with that, the spongy blue alien went back to dancing his ten feet off, hopeful that Galactus' diet might spare his civilization for another decade or two.

Good luck, Xyrux 9.

Galactus artwork by Andrea Di Vito, all rights Marvel Comics