Giant Turtle Thing Assaults Hapless Bystander!

METROPOLIS - A giant monster described as a "freaky turtle thing" attacked and seriously injured an equally giant fellow who appeared to be minding his own business, according to eyewitnesses.

"Yeah, dude, this scaly green [bleep!] shows up and whangs this stony-face [bleep!] like my pops at the bar on a payday," said 'urban poet' Franco Hsi Jefferson. "I mean, boom, son! Then all hell's bustin' loose and I got my ass outta there, so I didn't see nothin' after that."

Others say that the "innocent bystander" fended off this attack, only to be struck by a "maniac in a red shirt" who beat the poor victim bloody. A large explosion or series of explosions led the Metropolis PD to close off the area between Schwartz Plaza and the new Busiek Pavilion. Police on the scene said the area will be cordoned off for the next four or five days; travelers should allow for delays in public transportation. Sightseers and tourists are being strongly discouraged from visiting the site.

"It's bad down there," agreed Capt. Josh Foley of the MPD. "Not Doomsday-bad, thank heaven, but pretty bad. The search teams are checking rubble now for casualties, 'cause, y'know, there's always casualties."

More information as it develops.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Jimmy Olsen STILL Not Dead!

Metropolis Photographer Stubbornly
Refuses to Submit to Tragic Destiny

BPD WORLD HQ - Defying insistent pronouncements from the Oracular Sayings Office of DC News Worldwide, Jimmy Olsen (photographer and cub reporter for the Metropolis Daily Planet) is still not dead.

"'Jimmy Olsen must die,' yeah, I've heard it, blah blah blah," Olsen muttered. "So where's the killing? Where's the peril? I'm busy covering the hottest new hero in Metropolis- Mr. Action- and so far, I'm seeing nothin'. Nothing! Heck, my mom is in more danger crossing the street."
"I'm really at a loss to explain it," says DC News editor-in-chief Dan DiDio. "We had a 89% probability that Jimmy Olsen would be dead by now... and our top people were all saying that his death was not only going to happen but was necessary. I don't know what they meant by that, but it makes for great ad copy!"

Jimmy Olsen's pal Superman says, "No death is ever necessary. My good friend Jim is a fine photographer and an ambitious young man--but I have a hard time believing that anyone wants him dead. Besides which, they know they'd have to answer to me."

"The whole thing wouldn't bother me so much if Las Vegas weren't taking bets on when I'll be bumped off," Olsen says. "There are even side bets on who will do it! I think Darkseid is top of the list, for some reason, but if I have to go out, I sort of hope it'd be Power Girl. Can you imagine getting the Hug of Death from her? =swoon!="

Olsen's part-time paramour Lucy Lane was not amused.

More on this story as it develops.
Jimmy Olsen Must Die/Countdown artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Joker: "I'm Really Not That Funny"

GOTHAM CITY - In a stunning admission, famed supervillain the Joker admitted, "The truth is, despite this big perma-grin, I'm really not that funny."

During a rare Arkham Asylum interview with Bugle's Planet reporters, the Batman's foremost foe said, "I've never been good with witty banter and repartee. Honest, I have to work for a couple of hours before fighting Bats just to have a couple decent one-liners. God bless her, but Harley couldn't write a good joke to save her life--no matter how often I threaten her with a blowtorch and Jokerfish. Then again, she just threatens me right back with a howitzer and a nitroglycerin-filled boxing glove, so I guess that's a creative stalemate right there.

"I'm much more of a prop comic than a joke-teller, as I think my career shows. Seriously, do you recall a single funny thing I've ever said? Something that wasn't some twisted double-entendre, I mean. No, don't back away like that--I really want an answer! I'm not going to go all Joe Pesci 'Goodfellas' on... oh maybe I would at that. Fine, be that way. But you're off my Nice list," he muttered, yellow eyes glittering.

The Joker's career includes approximately 640 murders (with attempts numbering in the low millions, given more than one blackmail attempt involving mass murder), dozens of escapes from Arkham, a similar number of lengthy stays in the hospital, and a long-standing relationship with fellow criminal psychopath Harley Quinn. After what seems like decades fighting Batman, often to a standstill but more often to ignominious defeat, Joker said that it may be time to stop and smell the roses.

"Oh, I know what you're thinking. Once a homicidal maniac, always a homicidal maniac, but it may be the right time to reevaluate my life," he said. "Maybe I'll hit the road and try out some new material. Real comedians do that. Maybe I can too. I hear Metropolis is nice this time of year..." He chuckled madly as this interviewer was escorted out--and then called for protective services.

Joker/Countdown 50 cover by Andy Kubert, all rights DC Comics

Doomsday True Name Revealed, Reputation Destroyed

METROPOLIS - Feared through our corner of the galaxy as an unstoppable killing machine, not to mention the monster who killed Superman, Doomsday's most terrible secret has come to light.

His real name is Dances With Flower Petals.

"I was really shocked to find that out," admits Superman. "I mean, it's one thing to be beaten to death by something called Doomsday, even if it was Booster Gold that named him, but...Dances With Flower Petals? That would've been embarrassing. I can't wait to tell Batman. He's gonna love this!"

Booster Gold laughed so hard he slung himself over top of Skeets, "They couldn't think of a good Kryptonian name? Kal-Kill or Bash-El?"

Cub reporter Jimmy Olsen is credited with uncovering the gray-skinned behemoth's birthname. How did he do it?

"I backtracked his path of destruction from where his cyber-crypt was buried," Olsen said. "Oddly, nobody had done that yet! And there it was, carved into the metal in Kryptonian symbols. I had STAR Labs translate and they said it reads, 'His name is Dances With Flower Petals. Do not open. He's feeling messed up about it.' I guess whoever put him in there had a thing for understatement."

Doomsday was asked for a comment (from half a star system away), "It was the Summer of Love! Everyone was calling their kid something weird! Awwww...!" upon further reflection he continued "If Jimmy Olsen ain't dead by the time I get to Earth, I'm gonna kill him myself. Slow." Rubbing his rocky jaw and cracking his poison-dripping knuckles, he added, "Being Superman's pal ain't gonna save you this time, kid."

Jimmy Olsen was characteristically undaunted by the hulking creature's threat. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll be waiting for you...Rosie."

Doomsday art by Dan Jurgens, all rights reserved DC Comics

"New Coke" Marketing Campaign Aborted After Death Of New God

METROPOLIS -- It was supposed to be new in every way. A new brand of Coke, marketed by a highly popular and well-known New God, for the soda giant's "New Coke For New Earth" campaign.

But the campaign came to a quick and abrupt end with the sudden death of New God and Coke spokesman Lightray, who crashed to Earth in the center of downtown Metropolis Wednesday evening.

The cause of death for Lightray is still undetermined, but the circumstances are far more clear for the "New Coke For New Earth" campaign. "We're recalling all of our promotional materials in the wake of this tragedy," said Coke spokeswoman Dana Perino. "This unforeseen event has cast a pall over what was to be a joyous occasion. We are all New Gods now."

"I feel like someone punched me in my soul," said Bugle's Planet advice columnist Big Mike Pellegrino. "First the 'Fourth World' Omnibus doesn't come out on time, and now this? I call shenanigans."

Sources close to the scene claim that advertising executives were trying to persuade Daily Planet photographer Jimmy Olsen to sell his pictures to Coke in order to enhance the campaign. "You couldn't buy press like this!" one was heard to say.

However, stern admonishments from Metropolis' favorite son, Superman, allegedly put a stop to that. "No one profits off death on my watch," said The Man Of Steel. "Besides, how many times have I come back from the dead? He's a New God. He'll be up and around in no time."

Although Darkseid, tyrant ruler of Apokolips and enemy of the New Gods, was unavailable for comment, his spokesman Desaad provided a statement to major media outlets. "Rumors that we support the New Coke campaign due to its formula containing the Anti-Life Equation are pure hearsay and cannot be taken seriously. Allegations that the Lord of Apokolips may have had Lightray...removed...to prevent his interference should be dealt with in the court of law, not public opinion."

"I always thought Lightray was more of a Sprite guy anyway," said Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane.