Neighbors Protest Black Knight's Winged Horse

NEW YORK - As a past member of the Avengers, Dane Whitman has often fought world-beating foes... but the New York City Department of Sanitation may be the one enemy his Ebony Sword cannot overcome.

"His horse is a health hazard," says Sanitation Commissioner Roy Schmedly. "I mean, horses ain't too clean best of times, y'know? But his flying poop-machine--can I say that?--is making messes all over Central Park West! It's 'Avengers Assemble!' and I got fifty phone calls complaining about horse apples fallin' outta the sky."

Whitman jumped to the defense of his steed Valinor immediately. "It isn't his fault," the Black Knight (descendant of the Arthurian-era Black Knight) insisted. "He's only doing what horses do. Sure, the result has farther to fall but it's not like we're targeting taxis or mothers with strollers. Valinor is a loyal steed... who happens to excrete wherever he pleases, on the ground or in the air.

"And it's not like I'm the only guy in town with a winged horse, " he added. "Shining Knight rides one but you don't hear people complain about him! Oh no, his horse is nice and white and has fluffy feathered wings, while mine has batwings. It's discrimination. What about Valkyrie? What about her winged horse? Man, I just know I'm gonna get razzed about this next time I drop by the Mansion."

In a city wracked by the daily clash of titans, where annual property damage is in the billions and insurance rates are the single biggest expense most face, this issue may seem trivial. But the dangers of exposure to ordure cannot be known when the animal is a mutant-and/or-supernatural quadroped with wings. Is mutant manure toxic... or potentially mutagenic? Will children be rolling around in horse waste, hoping to gain the proportionate strength and agility of a horse?

Schmedly would not confirm if Whitman will receive more than his current 217 warnings; the next step would appear to be legal action. "We're not sure we want to go around suing the Avengers," he said. "You know a couple of them capes probably know lots of lawyers. Last time we tried was back during... oh, gosh, I guess when Atlantis attacked. You know how hard it is to get Namor into a court of law? But anyways, a flying horse is probably small potatoes, sure, but you gotta draw the line somewhere."

Black Knight art by Tom Grummett and Dustin Nguyen (from Mystic Arcana: Black Knight), all rights reserved Marvel Comics

Joker: "I'm Really Not That Funny"

GOTHAM CITY - In a stunning admission, famed supervillain the Joker admitted, "The truth is, despite this big perma-grin, I'm really not that funny."

During a rare Arkham Asylum interview with Bugle's Planet reporters, the Batman's foremost foe said, "I've never been good with witty banter and repartee. Honest, I have to work for a couple of hours before fighting Bats just to have a couple decent one-liners. God bless her, but Harley couldn't write a good joke to save her life--no matter how often I threaten her with a blowtorch and Jokerfish. Then again, she just threatens me right back with a howitzer and a nitroglycerin-filled boxing glove, so I guess that's a creative stalemate right there.

"I'm much more of a prop comic than a joke-teller, as I think my career shows. Seriously, do you recall a single funny thing I've ever said? Something that wasn't some twisted double-entendre, I mean. No, don't back away like that--I really want an answer! I'm not going to go all Joe Pesci 'Goodfellas' on... oh maybe I would at that. Fine, be that way. But you're off my Nice list," he muttered, yellow eyes glittering.

The Joker's career includes approximately 640 murders (with attempts numbering in the low millions, given more than one blackmail attempt involving mass murder), dozens of escapes from Arkham, a similar number of lengthy stays in the hospital, and a long-standing relationship with fellow criminal psychopath Harley Quinn. After what seems like decades fighting Batman, often to a standstill but more often to ignominious defeat, Joker said that it may be time to stop and smell the roses.

"Oh, I know what you're thinking. Once a homicidal maniac, always a homicidal maniac, but it may be the right time to reevaluate my life," he said. "Maybe I'll hit the road and try out some new material. Real comedians do that. Maybe I can too. I hear Metropolis is nice this time of year..." He chuckled madly as this interviewer was escorted out--and then called for protective services.

Joker/Countdown 50 cover by Andy Kubert, all rights DC Comics

X-Men Admit Mutant Persecution Overstated

SALEM CENTER - Cyclops, leader of the mutant heroes known as the X-Men, said that mutant persecution appears to be receding in recent months. "We used to get an average of sixty or seventy death threats a month," the monocular hero said, "but now it's down to only fifteen or so diehards. We're not getting pelted with eggs when we march in the St. Patrick's Day Parade any more, and believe me, half-dried egg is nasty stuff. I'd rather have Toad spit on me than clean that off!"

The X-Men founding member agreed that mutant hate crime is largely a bygone phenomenon. "We had a lot of attention last year, when they put Sentinels around our school, but really--it's not as big a deal as some people think," he said. "Mutants aren't the most loved minority group out there, but it's not like we're illegal aliens! We've come a long way; we can even buy homes in upper class neighborhoods now.

"Back in the day, when the five of us original X-Men were just kids, we had to come to grips with being a group 'hated and feared by those we protect,'" Cyclops added. "That was then and this is now. Sure, we had our share of hatred and distrust thrown at us, but heck--who hasn't? Spider-Man's got it way worse than we do! And have you seen the Avengers lately? Who trusts them? I wouldn't trust Iron Man as far as my optic blast could send him."

In related news, the NAACP is filing suit in New York Superior Court to enjoin the newly-formed National Association for the Advancement of Mutated People from operating under that name. Bishop, once associated with the X-Men, said, "This is not the right way to go with this new civil rights group. We should forge our own identity, not trade on the name recognition of an older and well-established advocacy group."

NAAMP replaces MONSTER (Mutants Only Need Sympathy, Tolerance and Equal Rights), established by Dr. Henry McCoy (aka Beast) following the death of mutant pianist Adrian Leverkuhn Castorp; this organization waged a quiet campaign for equal rights for mutantkind but saw contributions and fundraising fall in recent years.

X-Men artwork by Jim Lee and Jack Kirby, copyright Marvel Comics

Dark Knight Disappears While Investigating Bee Deaths

The legendary Guardian of Gotham, Batman, has disappeared suddenly while investigating the cause behind the collapse of honeybee colonies the world over.

The continuing deaths of millions of honeybees around the world has baffled scientists of all stripes. Some say it's due to pesticides. Others theorize it's due to genetically engineered crops, fungi, or even cellphone radiation. Whatever the case, with world authorities are at a loss, the only solution was to turn to the Dark Night Detective.

Already concerned that the bee deaths might be part of the Amazons' plot to conquer humanity through collapse of our ecosystem, Batman is rumored to have tracked the culprits behind the bee deaths to an Amazon island colony called Summerisle. In his last dispatch to the Justice League, Batman said:

"I'm investigating using the identity of a policeman looking for his daughter. Name is Edward Malus. Do not break radio silence unless I contact you. And make sure to keep bee sting remedies ready."

Since that last transmission, neither the Justice League nor the Gotham Police Department has heard anything from the legendary detective. Neither was available for comment.

However, the Bugle's Planet Daily has obtained footage purporting to be a videotaped record of Batman's exploits on the island in case he was harmed or killed. The tape is grainy and clearly edited, but appears to show Batman engaged in increasingly erratic behavior before apparently being sacrificed by the Amazons to ensure their victory.

We warn you that the following footage is extremely graphic, and may not be suitable for children:



Bugle's Planet Daily is currently investigating the veracity of this new information, and we will keep you posted with any breaking new developments.

Destiny on Break, Nothing Fated to Happen Today

DESTINY'S GARDEN - Destiny of the Endless announced that he is taking off Friday, June 29, 2007. Officially nothing is fated to happen today.

"It was sort of a blank spot on the calendar, so the boss thought he might enjoy the July 4th weekend like everyone else," said Jonas Clover, Destiny's spokesman. "He might put in a couple of hours on Monday but there's not much on the docket until Thursday. So everyone can go out there and enjoy free will all they want, there won't be any counter-punch from fate."

Destiny said he was leaving his Book (believed to contain every prophecy and prediction until World's End) at the office. He added that he might do some light reading but is battling eye fatigue—many pages in his Book are faded and nearly unreadable—and he may just get chicken wings at Hooter's instead.

His siblings have not announced any vacation plans this summer, despite a highly anticipated rumor that Death may take a day off sometime soon.

Destiny artwork by Mike Dringenberg and Malcolm Jones III, all rights DC Comics

Letters to the Editor- World War Hulk: Point-Counterpoint

POINT
Dear Editor,

Nearly a year ago, I was called upon (in my human identity) to solve a crisis for the spy agency known as SHIELD. They placed me into a rocket vehicle and transported me to what they claimed was a dangerous super-weapon in orbit above Earth. The super-weapon was destroyed… but the superstructure did not reenter Earth’s atmosphere as promised. Instead, hyperlight engines were engaged and I was flung to a distant star system.

En route, a taped message informed me that a group of so-called heroes—Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, Dr. Strange, and Black Bolt of the Inhumans, with the collaboration of others—had decided among themselves, without consulting any government or legal authority on Earth, to exile me from my home. They claimed that the world they had in mind was peaceful and uninhabited.

So much for good intentions and their inevitable destination.

I landed on a savage world where only my gamma-powered strength and durability allowed me to survive… and conquer. I overthrew that world’s corrupt autocracy and established the foundations for a democratic civilization. I even found love…

…and then the unstable hyperlight engines of my prison ship overloaded and exploded, killing millions and damaging (perhaps forever) Sakaar’s fragile ecosystem. With my surviving friends, the Warbound, I set about returning to Earth.

Let me say that, at a minimum, I do not return in a relaxed and friendly state of mind.

No, sadly, my return to my homeworld will be a horrifying event full of epic destruction and retribution. I do not intend to rest or relent until those responsible for my exile (and the subsequent annihilation of my adopted world of Sakaar) feel my wrath.

I’m the Hulk. I’m capable of an awful lot of wrath. And I am not alone.

On that basis, your readers may wish to evacuate the area in and around New York City as quickly as possible. A war zone is rarely a pleasant place to be.

You may wish to urge everyone to relocate west of the Mississippi River, in fact. I am contemplating a very protracted revenge.

Signed,
Hulk (aka Dr Bruce Banner)

COUNTER-POINT
Dear Editor,

There has been some controversy over the decision of a small group (me included) to launch the Incredible Hulk on a one-way trip to a distant planet, effectively exiling him from the world of his birth. Some claim that this is inhumane and a violation of due process, as well as a violation of his civil rights.

C’mon, people, this is the frickin’ HULK we’re talking about!

Our intentions were honorable. Yes, the Hulk was once pardoned by the President of the United States for crimes committed as a rampaging green force of destruction. However, that was a long time ago. The Hulk has undergone unpredictable changes not only in his physiology but in his psychology; Dr. Leonard Samson, his long-time therapist, admitted to us that he cannot predict the Hulk’s behavior with any degree of confidence.

On that basis, we elected to transport the Hulk to a world devoid of sentient life, so that he could find the peace he claimed to want. If he wants to be left alone, why can’t we grant that wish? It is unfortunate that the ship was diverted to a world other than the one we had selected. It is equally unfortunate that the ship’s engines detonated and caused a massive loss of life. Those are failures for which we are responsible.

But we do not know the whole story; we only know what the Hulk—a creature of rage, not reason—chooses to tell us. Until such time as we can verify his claims, we remain certain that we chose the best course of action, not only for Earth but for the Hulk as well.

And if he chooses to make a war of it, the Hulk will find that we have extensive powers of our own to meet him and his “Warbound.” We suggest that he reconsider trying us on the field of battle, before there is further loss of life and property.

Signed,
Iron Man (aka Tony Stark)

Link: World War Hulk news

Galactus on Diet; Trillions of Sentients Rejoice

DEEP SPACE - Feared throughout space as the "Devourer of Worlds," Galactus announced today that he is going on a diet. The cosmic entity said that his purple armor was "a bit snug" and that shedding some weight would improve his health and vitality.

Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, said, "Galactus only appears to be human to us, but weight issues are universal. He may feel that his appearance is not what he might like. It's true, even though he has the power to eat a world, he doesn't have the power to hide those love handles. My guess is that he last consumed an especially life-rich world. The effects show up on him the way wolfing down an entire banquet would show up on a supermodel."

He added, "You'd think a being on par with Eternity and Death would be past stuff like this, but he's got an ego to match his appetite. Do you know he used to have a big G on the front of his armor? I mean, really! And people think I've got a big head calling myself 'Mr. Fantastic.'"

Reaction to Galactus' news was immediate... and jubilant.

"We really thought we were next," said Ag'lyugeh, an alien from planet Xyrux 9 in the Lesser Magellanic Cloud. "Galactus' great big silver ball spaceship is heading this way, we begin shutting down our civilization... and now this! There's a party on Xyrux 9 like you wouldn't believe. Oh, we know it might only be a temporary reprieve, but we'll take what we can get, you know?" And with that, the spongy blue alien went back to dancing his ten feet off, hopeful that Galactus' diet might spare his civilization for another decade or two.

Good luck, Xyrux 9.

Galactus artwork by Andrea Di Vito, all rights Marvel Comics

Electro: “This Costume Makes Me Look Like a Jackass!”

NEW YORK CITY - Maxwell Dillon, aka "Electro," was overheard complaining about his costume's aesthetic deficiencies after his most recent arrest, for shorting out part of NYC's Midtown electrical grid. Wrapped in rubber padding, following a fight with Iron Man, Dillon was bitter about his string of defeats but took a moment out to discuss his questionable taste in costumes.

"Bad enough I get beat-down by Spider-Man or some other costumed jerk if I show my face... but this costume-- what was I thinking? It makes me look like six feet of green and yellow ass! I can't even go through a regular door with these idiotic electro-spike things sticking out of my head. Honest, some days I really wonder why fate gave me the ability to shoot lightning."

Urged to reconsider his life of crime, if not his taste in costuming, Dillon said, "I'm gonna rethink this whole thing. Maybe I ought to try again with a new codename, y'know? I was thinking 'Captain Lightning' or something like that. Heck, a couple of us Sinister Six guys went legit for awhile, maybe I'll give it a spin too."

In the meantime, the high-voltage villain will be insulated on The Raft, awaiting trial and (God willing) a good costume designer.

Electro artwork by David Finch, all rights Marvel Comics