Places: The BPD Travel Guide Pt 1

Visit Beautiful Tranquility!

TRANQUILITY, CA - It may look like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting, but Tranquility has the distinction of being the place where superfolk go to retire. The streets are bustling and local businesses do well, including the Chick'N Go eatery run by Suzy Fury (aka Pink Bunny).

Sheriff Thomasina Lindo says, "We have a nice little town here and are real welcoming to tourists. We don't want gawkers or lookee-loos or paparazzi, mind, but anyone who'd like a bit of history amid the small-town good cheer... well, you can't do better than Tranquility!"

Despite a sharp spike in index crimes (with the murder of crimefighter Mr. Articulate), there is not much local evildoing. A local Goth band known as the, ahem, Liberty Snots may seem intimidating but Sheriff Lindo assures this travel writer that they are hardly ever real trouble... mostly.

"They're just kids being kids," she says. "Superpowered kids being kids. You know, doody happens." (Her upbeat tone may have been a trifle forced.) "Of course, we did have a little dust-up or two... or three... when five new kids came to town. And we had folks from StormWatch pay a visit recently, following up on a murder... but stuff like that almost never happens here, honest!"

Tranquility is now home to the world-famous Liberty Squad, the superpowered team of "maxis" who struggled against fascist aggression in World War II. Surviving members include Judge Fury (now Mayor of Tranquility), Col. Cragg and his sidekick Bad Dog, Maximum Man, and Pink Bunny. These veteran heroes are in surprising vigor and good health, despite their average age now trending upwards of 80. "I guess we're just living right," Suzy Fury said with a saucy wink.

Where else can one find former child aviatrix Minxy Minerva crashing solid gold planes on Main Street, or undead undertaker Zombie Zeke screeching bad poetry at all who pass his Gate to the Underworld cemetery? Where else can you witness a chess match between Maximum Man and Henry Hate? Nowhere else, that's where.

And if you happen to be in town at the right time, you can even see a three-way slugfest between a pack of runaway Gen-Actives, the Liberty Snots and the Authoriteens--teenaged counterparts of the infamous Authority.

The WildStorm Travel Agency's Gail Simone gives Tranquility a four-star rating. "I've been in the tourism business for awhile now," Ms. Simone says, "and I can say Tranquility is one of the most interesting places I've ever been. Not that I don't love the excitement of a place like Gotham City but this small town has an awful lot going on."

BPD is proud to endorse Tranquility as our DESTINATION OF THE WEEK! Visit soon-- and send us comments about your trip! We'd love to hear what you have to say!

Coming up in PLACES-- beautiful Zenn-La! You will love it there... or else!

Ask The Question!

Dear Question:
I'm hearing strange rumblings late at night beneath my Gotham brownstone. Do you think I should invest in earthquake insurance or is my home built on top of the Batcave?
-signed, Concerned

Dear Concerned,
I've checked your foundation and basement. It appears that there was some supervillain activity recently--drilling into a bank two blocks from your address, which I have forwarded to the GCPD for further investigation.

I have also forwarded the IRS evidence that you are withholding a considerable sum of money, which is stashed in a fireproof box behind your freezer. You should have filed an amended return when you got that windfall last October. Do not try to hide the evidence--I have taken some effort to secure the crime scene until investigators arrive and confirm the box's contents.

If anything were to happen to that evidence, rest assured I have Batman's email address.

Earthquake insurance might be unwarranted at this time but that might be the least of your problems...
-Q

Dear Mr. Question,
Is corruption in Hub City really as bad as they say?
I worry about things like that and I'm only 12!
-A Young Citizen

Dear Concerned,
I find it highly suspicious that a 12 year old would worry about political corruption in Hub City.

Upon investigating further, I find that you are in fact 13, a child genius and enrolled in a course of graduate level political science studies in Hub City. Perhaps you ask your question only because you want a response from an extralegal operative such as myself, perhaps you wish to elicit some words against the current regime. Perhaps you are truly concerned.

Crime is crime, wherever it is found, on the streets or in City Hall. Continue with your studies and know that I'll be keeping an eye on you. And you're old enough to sleep without a nightlight.
-Q

Dear "the Question",
Is my husband cheating on me?
-A Restless Housewife

Dear Restless,
No. But you should stop visiting a certain website. You know the one I mean.
-Q

Do YOU have something to "Ask The Question"? Send in your queries by posting a comment! We can't guarantee the Question will reply, um, as you might prefer, but... what do you have to lose?

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Joker: "I'm Really Not That Funny"

GOTHAM CITY - In a stunning admission, famed supervillain the Joker admitted, "The truth is, despite this big perma-grin, I'm really not that funny."

During a rare Arkham Asylum interview with Bugle's Planet reporters, the Batman's foremost foe said, "I've never been good with witty banter and repartee. Honest, I have to work for a couple of hours before fighting Bats just to have a couple decent one-liners. God bless her, but Harley couldn't write a good joke to save her life--no matter how often I threaten her with a blowtorch and Jokerfish. Then again, she just threatens me right back with a howitzer and a nitroglycerin-filled boxing glove, so I guess that's a creative stalemate right there.

"I'm much more of a prop comic than a joke-teller, as I think my career shows. Seriously, do you recall a single funny thing I've ever said? Something that wasn't some twisted double-entendre, I mean. No, don't back away like that--I really want an answer! I'm not going to go all Joe Pesci 'Goodfellas' on... oh maybe I would at that. Fine, be that way. But you're off my Nice list," he muttered, yellow eyes glittering.

The Joker's career includes approximately 640 murders (with attempts numbering in the low millions, given more than one blackmail attempt involving mass murder), dozens of escapes from Arkham, a similar number of lengthy stays in the hospital, and a long-standing relationship with fellow criminal psychopath Harley Quinn. After what seems like decades fighting Batman, often to a standstill but more often to ignominious defeat, Joker said that it may be time to stop and smell the roses.

"Oh, I know what you're thinking. Once a homicidal maniac, always a homicidal maniac, but it may be the right time to reevaluate my life," he said. "Maybe I'll hit the road and try out some new material. Real comedians do that. Maybe I can too. I hear Metropolis is nice this time of year..." He chuckled madly as this interviewer was escorted out--and then called for protective services.

Joker/Countdown 50 cover by Andy Kubert, all rights DC Comics

Dark Knight Disappears While Investigating Bee Deaths

The legendary Guardian of Gotham, Batman, has disappeared suddenly while investigating the cause behind the collapse of honeybee colonies the world over.

The continuing deaths of millions of honeybees around the world has baffled scientists of all stripes. Some say it's due to pesticides. Others theorize it's due to genetically engineered crops, fungi, or even cellphone radiation. Whatever the case, with world authorities are at a loss, the only solution was to turn to the Dark Night Detective.

Already concerned that the bee deaths might be part of the Amazons' plot to conquer humanity through collapse of our ecosystem, Batman is rumored to have tracked the culprits behind the bee deaths to an Amazon island colony called Summerisle. In his last dispatch to the Justice League, Batman said:

"I'm investigating using the identity of a policeman looking for his daughter. Name is Edward Malus. Do not break radio silence unless I contact you. And make sure to keep bee sting remedies ready."

Since that last transmission, neither the Justice League nor the Gotham Police Department has heard anything from the legendary detective. Neither was available for comment.

However, the Bugle's Planet Daily has obtained footage purporting to be a videotaped record of Batman's exploits on the island in case he was harmed or killed. The tape is grainy and clearly edited, but appears to show Batman engaged in increasingly erratic behavior before apparently being sacrificed by the Amazons to ensure their victory.

We warn you that the following footage is extremely graphic, and may not be suitable for children:



Bugle's Planet Daily is currently investigating the veracity of this new information, and we will keep you posted with any breaking new developments.

Crazy Person Claims Secret Identities "Not So Secret"

GOTHAM CITY - Today was a sad day for Maury Horowitz, who was committed to Arkham Asylum after decades of outrageous claims regarding the identities of certain superheroes. Horowitz, 60, claims to have an uncanny ability to discern the identities of caped and masked crusaders simply based upon their physical appearance. After prolonged sessions of therapy, medication, and even hypnosis with psychiatrist Harleen Quinzel, it was determined that Horowitz's delusions had caused him to become a danger to himself and others.

In a recent interview with reporter Jimmy Olsen, Horowitz claimed to know the identity of several heroes, including Superman and the Green Arrow. "They're the same guy!" he ranted. "Superman and that reporter guy married to Lois Lane. The only difference is the glasses! It's just a pair of glasses!" Olsen told the BPD that this was "pure hogwash" and that there is "no way" that Superman and Clark Kent are the same person. "They both happen to be close personal friends of mine," Olsen said. "I'd know if they were the same person."

On the subject of the Green Arrow, Horowitz's claims are equally outlandish. "Okay... liberal crusading mayor with blonde hair and goatee... liberal crusading superhero with blonde hair and goatee. Same city... same hair... same goatee. C'mon, people!" Arkham Asylum staff have placed Horowitz under heavy sedation in the hopes that one day his condition can be cured.

Justice League of America member Red Arrow spoke with BPD about the steps he takes to protect his identity. "Well, I wear this mask. It covers the area immediately around my eyes." When asked if he was concerned about a villain one day discovering his identity, he quickly replied, "Haven't you been reading our comic? We don't fight villains."

Gotham Man Never Been Victim Of Crime

Gotham, home to scores of pajama'd nut jobs, killer clowns, man crocs; and possibly a giant black bat.

GOTHAM CITY - Local shopkeeper Gavin Harwick has lived in Gotham City for twenty five of his thirty eight years of life. He runs his own import electronics store and lives in Gotham Village.

Amazingly he has never been robbed, injured, threatened, held hostage or encased in ice in the most violent city in the U.S.

"Just lucky, I guess," Gavin said. "Last week, a customer walked out with a robotic dog from Japan and, boom, was hit in the head with a mallet."

"Damnedest thing," remarks noted Gotham detective Harvey Bullock. "Can't turn a corner without some wackjob in Halloween pajammies pasting you with poison novelty gags. Guess someone has to be an exception to the rule."

Gotham City has had a long standing reputation of being a haven for criminals, thugs and madmen since the original Green Lantern relocated in the 50's. Since then, crime has risen steadily at an average of 45% from each preceding year. That is, until the inception of the GCPD's "Bat-signal", used to dissuade criminal acts with the threat of the rumored "Bat-man".

"Never seen him before, but maybe he keeps them back," Gavin said. "I don't think too much about it. Gift horses, and all."

On the opposite side, Matt Turner, a resident of The Browery, has been a victim of thirty seven separate incidents of crime involving thirteen major Gotham criminals, including Two-Face Harvey Dent, Posion Ivy, The Trigger Twins and an accidental vehicular collusion with Cat-Man.

"I'm moving to Keystone. Anywhere's better than this," Matt said, while packing his MeHaul van.