Giant Turtle Thing Assaults Hapless Bystander!

METROPOLIS - A giant monster described as a "freaky turtle thing" attacked and seriously injured an equally giant fellow who appeared to be minding his own business, according to eyewitnesses.

"Yeah, dude, this scaly green [bleep!] shows up and whangs this stony-face [bleep!] like my pops at the bar on a payday," said 'urban poet' Franco Hsi Jefferson. "I mean, boom, son! Then all hell's bustin' loose and I got my ass outta there, so I didn't see nothin' after that."

Others say that the "innocent bystander" fended off this attack, only to be struck by a "maniac in a red shirt" who beat the poor victim bloody. A large explosion or series of explosions led the Metropolis PD to close off the area between Schwartz Plaza and the new Busiek Pavilion. Police on the scene said the area will be cordoned off for the next four or five days; travelers should allow for delays in public transportation. Sightseers and tourists are being strongly discouraged from visiting the site.

"It's bad down there," agreed Capt. Josh Foley of the MPD. "Not Doomsday-bad, thank heaven, but pretty bad. The search teams are checking rubble now for casualties, 'cause, y'know, there's always casualties."

More information as it develops.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

This Just In: Jimmy Olsen STILL Not Dead!

APOKOLIPS - Local gambling dens are gloomy over the protracted existence of James B. Olsen of Metropolis, Earth. Oddsmakers put the redhead's chances of survival at 500-1 last year, but now are lucky to take action at 3-2.

"What can I tell you, the kid's like a weed," mutters Draka Soob, proprietor of a nameless betting parlor in the shadow of Darkseid's 17th-largest statue. "We keep expecting to hear that he's gone, but no! Shows up again with some funky power, like he's buddies with the Source or something. I hoped that freaky red eye thing that ate Apokolips a couple weeks ago might do the job, but again--no."

"Olsen's goin' toe-to-toe with the boss," added Thudd, Soob's crony and night shift bouncer (which means he works roughly 23.5 hours per day). "One flick of the Omega Beams and the kid's toast. I got money ridin' on it."

Perry White, editor-in-chief of the Daily Planet, said, "Olsen is one of my top young recruits. He's gutsy and is getting some good training in being a newsman. If he makes it through this whole New Gods thing, he'll be a top notch reporter... eventually."

Red Robin, who has fought alongside Olsen recently, said, "Where's the justice, man? This pipsqueak has superpowers, now? Oh, I just came back from the freakin' dead is all-- but all the fuss is about a redheaded shutterbug who thinks he's Captain Fabulous. Whatever. I gotta get back to busting heads."

Neither Olsen nor Darkseid could be reached for comment. An earthbound Mother Box said only, "The Source knows. The Source knows." (Of course, it had been saying that for about four years--experts at STAR Labs think this Mother Box may be more of a Great-Grandmother Box and thus a little tetchy.)

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved.

Jimmy Olsen STILL Not Dead!

Metropolis Photographer Stubbornly
Refuses to Submit to Tragic Destiny

BPD WORLD HQ - Defying insistent pronouncements from the Oracular Sayings Office of DC News Worldwide, Jimmy Olsen (photographer and cub reporter for the Metropolis Daily Planet) is still not dead.

"'Jimmy Olsen must die,' yeah, I've heard it, blah blah blah," Olsen muttered. "So where's the killing? Where's the peril? I'm busy covering the hottest new hero in Metropolis- Mr. Action- and so far, I'm seeing nothin'. Nothing! Heck, my mom is in more danger crossing the street."
"I'm really at a loss to explain it," says DC News editor-in-chief Dan DiDio. "We had a 89% probability that Jimmy Olsen would be dead by now... and our top people were all saying that his death was not only going to happen but was necessary. I don't know what they meant by that, but it makes for great ad copy!"

Jimmy Olsen's pal Superman says, "No death is ever necessary. My good friend Jim is a fine photographer and an ambitious young man--but I have a hard time believing that anyone wants him dead. Besides which, they know they'd have to answer to me."

"The whole thing wouldn't bother me so much if Las Vegas weren't taking bets on when I'll be bumped off," Olsen says. "There are even side bets on who will do it! I think Darkseid is top of the list, for some reason, but if I have to go out, I sort of hope it'd be Power Girl. Can you imagine getting the Hug of Death from her? =swoon!="

Olsen's part-time paramour Lucy Lane was not amused.

More on this story as it develops.
Jimmy Olsen Must Die/Countdown artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Crazy Person Claims Secret Identities "Not So Secret"

GOTHAM CITY - Today was a sad day for Maury Horowitz, who was committed to Arkham Asylum after decades of outrageous claims regarding the identities of certain superheroes. Horowitz, 60, claims to have an uncanny ability to discern the identities of caped and masked crusaders simply based upon their physical appearance. After prolonged sessions of therapy, medication, and even hypnosis with psychiatrist Harleen Quinzel, it was determined that Horowitz's delusions had caused him to become a danger to himself and others.

In a recent interview with reporter Jimmy Olsen, Horowitz claimed to know the identity of several heroes, including Superman and the Green Arrow. "They're the same guy!" he ranted. "Superman and that reporter guy married to Lois Lane. The only difference is the glasses! It's just a pair of glasses!" Olsen told the BPD that this was "pure hogwash" and that there is "no way" that Superman and Clark Kent are the same person. "They both happen to be close personal friends of mine," Olsen said. "I'd know if they were the same person."

On the subject of the Green Arrow, Horowitz's claims are equally outlandish. "Okay... liberal crusading mayor with blonde hair and goatee... liberal crusading superhero with blonde hair and goatee. Same city... same hair... same goatee. C'mon, people!" Arkham Asylum staff have placed Horowitz under heavy sedation in the hopes that one day his condition can be cured.

Justice League of America member Red Arrow spoke with BPD about the steps he takes to protect his identity. "Well, I wear this mask. It covers the area immediately around my eyes." When asked if he was concerned about a villain one day discovering his identity, he quickly replied, "Haven't you been reading our comic? We don't fight villains."

"New Coke" Marketing Campaign Aborted After Death Of New God

METROPOLIS -- It was supposed to be new in every way. A new brand of Coke, marketed by a highly popular and well-known New God, for the soda giant's "New Coke For New Earth" campaign.

But the campaign came to a quick and abrupt end with the sudden death of New God and Coke spokesman Lightray, who crashed to Earth in the center of downtown Metropolis Wednesday evening.

The cause of death for Lightray is still undetermined, but the circumstances are far more clear for the "New Coke For New Earth" campaign. "We're recalling all of our promotional materials in the wake of this tragedy," said Coke spokeswoman Dana Perino. "This unforeseen event has cast a pall over what was to be a joyous occasion. We are all New Gods now."

"I feel like someone punched me in my soul," said Bugle's Planet advice columnist Big Mike Pellegrino. "First the 'Fourth World' Omnibus doesn't come out on time, and now this? I call shenanigans."

Sources close to the scene claim that advertising executives were trying to persuade Daily Planet photographer Jimmy Olsen to sell his pictures to Coke in order to enhance the campaign. "You couldn't buy press like this!" one was heard to say.

However, stern admonishments from Metropolis' favorite son, Superman, allegedly put a stop to that. "No one profits off death on my watch," said The Man Of Steel. "Besides, how many times have I come back from the dead? He's a New God. He'll be up and around in no time."

Although Darkseid, tyrant ruler of Apokolips and enemy of the New Gods, was unavailable for comment, his spokesman Desaad provided a statement to major media outlets. "Rumors that we support the New Coke campaign due to its formula containing the Anti-Life Equation are pure hearsay and cannot be taken seriously. Allegations that the Lord of Apokolips may have had Lightray...removed...to prevent his interference should be dealt with in the court of law, not public opinion."

"I always thought Lightray was more of a Sprite guy anyway," said Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane.

META-HUMAN HYPER STEROID EXPOSE

Bugle's Planet
Daily Exclusive

METROPOLIS - Daily Planet photographer James Olsen was arrested by DEA agents in a pre-dawn raid on his condominium yesterday. Olsen, know to many as "Superman's Pal," was charged with multiple counts of possession and distribution of a controlled substance, the hyper-steroid XGH.

Suspicions of contributing causes to
Cap's death currently under investigation

Olsen had no comment through his attorney, Matthew Murdock. A source close to the case, speaking on condition of anonymity, had this comment. "Jimmy has been known throughout the superhuman community for many years as the person to see for that special something you need to pump you up. All those guys are on the stuff. You don't think that they get those physiques through working out? I mean, getting bit by a radioactive spider is only going to get you so far. You might be strong enough to lift a truck, but you're still going to look like a skinny kid. And don't forget that they all wear spandex."

Olsen's arrest has also caused friends and foes alike to question the Man of Steel's recent accomplishments. While Superman's reputation has always been uncompromised, his particularly close relationship with Olsen has made for uncomfortable questions for the Metropolis Marvel. "I'm telling you, my Superman Killer Robot was deadly enough to destroy him! Last year it would have been enough," said criminal mastermind, Lex Luthor from his cell in Maximum X Security Penitentiary Number One. "Why do you think Superman gave him the watch in the first place?"

Captain America and Teen Titans artwork by Rob Liefeld, all rights reserved respectively: Marvel Comics, DC Comics