Giant Turtle Thing Assaults Hapless Bystander!

METROPOLIS - A giant monster described as a "freaky turtle thing" attacked and seriously injured an equally giant fellow who appeared to be minding his own business, according to eyewitnesses.

"Yeah, dude, this scaly green [bleep!] shows up and whangs this stony-face [bleep!] like my pops at the bar on a payday," said 'urban poet' Franco Hsi Jefferson. "I mean, boom, son! Then all hell's bustin' loose and I got my ass outta there, so I didn't see nothin' after that."

Others say that the "innocent bystander" fended off this attack, only to be struck by a "maniac in a red shirt" who beat the poor victim bloody. A large explosion or series of explosions led the Metropolis PD to close off the area between Schwartz Plaza and the new Busiek Pavilion. Police on the scene said the area will be cordoned off for the next four or five days; travelers should allow for delays in public transportation. Sightseers and tourists are being strongly discouraged from visiting the site.

"It's bad down there," agreed Capt. Josh Foley of the MPD. "Not Doomsday-bad, thank heaven, but pretty bad. The search teams are checking rubble now for casualties, 'cause, y'know, there's always casualties."

More information as it develops.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Morticoccus Inoculations Discontinued

WASHINGTON DC (EARTH 51) - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have determined that continuing the morticoccus inoculation program (announced three weeks ago in BPD) would be "a waste of time."

Health Secretary G. Rimreeper said, in a press conference today, "We thought that an aggressive inoculation program would contain this 31st century sentient virus, but apparently we were wrong. Truth is, our best efforts are useless. However, we prefer to look on the bright side. Despite its name, morticoccus has not proven to be exceptionally lethal--only an estimated two out of five victims actually perish. The others may end up transformed through hybridization with animal DNA, but at least they're not dead!"

Taking in a press corps that had mostly turned into vultures, the sheep-like Rimreeper did not finish more than his opening statement before fleeing for his life. (Unsuccessfully.)

Rumors that an uncontaminated youth and his grandfather have taken refuge in a military bunker remain unconfirmed at press time. Additional rumors that Green Lantern fled Earth "like a little bee-yotch" (per extradimensional troublemaker Red Robin) are also unconfirmed-- some witnesses assert that he went into deep space to find a cure from more advanced alien sciences. The bad news: if Green Lantern was exposed to morticoccus, it is possible that many hundreds or thousands of alien worlds are now suffering exposure. Way to go, you idiot.

The pathetic remnants of civilization around the globe would like to thank the Challengers from Beyond for exposing us to this "smart bug" and wiping us out. We really didn't think the challenges of continued existence were for us anyway. But as a way to say goodbye, we're seeing if we can't get a cross-dimensional portal up and running-- we'd be happy to share our viral good fortune with lots and lots of other Earths. Preliminary work indicates a zombie world nearby...

This Just In: Jimmy Olsen STILL Not Dead!

APOKOLIPS - Local gambling dens are gloomy over the protracted existence of James B. Olsen of Metropolis, Earth. Oddsmakers put the redhead's chances of survival at 500-1 last year, but now are lucky to take action at 3-2.

"What can I tell you, the kid's like a weed," mutters Draka Soob, proprietor of a nameless betting parlor in the shadow of Darkseid's 17th-largest statue. "We keep expecting to hear that he's gone, but no! Shows up again with some funky power, like he's buddies with the Source or something. I hoped that freaky red eye thing that ate Apokolips a couple weeks ago might do the job, but again--no."

"Olsen's goin' toe-to-toe with the boss," added Thudd, Soob's crony and night shift bouncer (which means he works roughly 23.5 hours per day). "One flick of the Omega Beams and the kid's toast. I got money ridin' on it."

Perry White, editor-in-chief of the Daily Planet, said, "Olsen is one of my top young recruits. He's gutsy and is getting some good training in being a newsman. If he makes it through this whole New Gods thing, he'll be a top notch reporter... eventually."

Red Robin, who has fought alongside Olsen recently, said, "Where's the justice, man? This pipsqueak has superpowers, now? Oh, I just came back from the freakin' dead is all-- but all the fuss is about a redheaded shutterbug who thinks he's Captain Fabulous. Whatever. I gotta get back to busting heads."

Neither Olsen nor Darkseid could be reached for comment. An earthbound Mother Box said only, "The Source knows. The Source knows." (Of course, it had been saying that for about four years--experts at STAR Labs think this Mother Box may be more of a Great-Grandmother Box and thus a little tetchy.)

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved.

Morticoccus Inoculations Now Available

A Public Health Service Announcement from Your Friends at BPD!

Don't be late--get your Morticoccus inoculation now. Morticoccus (aka the harbinger of the Great Disaster) is a lethal, fast-acting "smart virus" capable of overwhelming even the most resistant organisms. Professor Ray Palmer, most recently of Ivy Town University, has devised a vaccine and administered it to key individuals throughout the 52 Earths, but supplies may be limited.

Symptoms of morticoccus include depletion of super-abilities, fatigue, heavy perspiration, high fever, delirium, coughing, nausea, vertigo (dizziness, not addiction to a DC imprint), sneezing, an unquenchable thirst for sasparilla, and miscellaneous other nasty side-effects. There is no known treatment for full-blown morticoccus.

Do not wait. Contact your local health professional and ask for the Morticoccus inoculation. The life you save may be the planet Earth's. You don't want to end up like this guy.

Brought to you by the Challengers from Beyond and the CDC.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved