This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jan 31, 2008

Gossip interlude: Blue Eyed People Must Register

With the recent discovery that all blue eyed people are mutants, Henry Gyrich was seen at a recent event gleefully chuckling into his cell phone.

Our crack reporter wasn't able to hear everything that was said, but he could make out "...House of M my patookus! There's more muties then ever now!..." and "...start the round up, we'll take them to Camp Hammond first thing in the morning..."

Our snoops want to know, what are you hiding behind those sunglasses Agent Gyrich? The world needs to know

Spider-Man: "BND... WTF??"

NEW YORK CITY - At a midtown press conference today, Spider-Man announced that he's as confused as anyone else about his recent bout of retcontinence.

"I thought there was something wrong a few years ago," the wallcrawler said. "Sort of like an itch you can't scratch, the feeling that something really terrible has happened. I had nightmares of clones, unmasking myself on live TV, fighting against Captain America, even getting married... and now I wake up and I'm living in, uh, forget that part. I mean, what's a guy to do when he doesn't even know what's real from one second to the next?"

Even Spider-Man's most diehard enemies are at a loss.

"Don't blame me!" Mysterio insisted. "Yeah, I know this sounds like classic me-- mess with Spidey's head and laugh my ass off-- but I swear, this is not my doing. Like I need some version of the Avengers breathing down my neck."

"This is another ploy to gain sympathy for that webheaded menace," snarled J. Jonah Jameson, publisher of the Daily Bugle. "Don't fall for it! He's a threat... or a menace... and whatever his story is, we'd be better off if he was telling it from a nice cozy cell in one of those fancy super-prisons."

"Spider-Man is misunderstood," said Captain America, who then added, "Wait, am I still dead? Darn it!"

"I understand Spider-Man's situation very well," said Iron Man. "Who hasn't had their entire existence, er, rewritten a few times? Hell, I could use a backstory rewrite myself about now."

Spider-Man added that, whatever changes seem to be taking place around him, he's still the same friendly neighborhood superhero everyone's known for the past... ambiguous number of years. "Yeah, sometimes I wear red-and-blue, sometimes black-and-white, sometimes I go on berserk vengeance sprees or make bad deals with a supernatural evil I've never encountered before, but I'm the same guy! Honest!"

And with that, he used his mechanical webshooters to take to the skies above New York.

"Parasol Curriculum" Advanced by Local School Board

HACKENSACK, NJ - The Hackensack Board of Education suggested adopting a new "Parasol Curriculum" in order to keep up with other, more progressive educational institutions. This curriculum relies heavily upon identifying metahuman students at an early age, pushing them to develop their abilities as children, and then using these children as weapons for the benefit of society.

"We know these kids are going to put on costumes and get in trouble," said Superintendant Frank Graziano. "We just figure--if they're going to risk their lives anyway, we might as well get some use out of them first." Upon advice from the Board's attorney, Dr. Graziano amended his remarks to "No comment."

The school board specifically noted a mythical "Umbrella Academy" as the reason for instituting a drastic change in the school's lesson plans. Further news as it develops.
Umbrella Academy artwork by Gabriel Ba, copyright Dark Horse Comics, all rights reserved

Jan 30, 2008

Void Reveals Armageddon a Prank

NEW YORK - The superheroine Void, most recently associated with the WildCATs, today revealed that the near-future apocalypse dubbed "Armageddon" was her idea of a joke. Showing a future where an invasion of superhumans annihilated humanity and left Earth a smoking ruin was supposedly her way of saying "hi" to her new colleagues in the superhero community.

It backfired spectacularly.

"It took on a life of its own," Void confessed. "I mean, who knew showing six superheroes a vision of some nightmare near-future would cause such an uproar? Jack Hawksmoor has done lots worse, I'm sure of it."

Whatever her motives, Dane of Wetworks, Nemesis of the WildCATS, Maximum Man (most recently of the town of Tranquility), Caitlyn Fairchild of Gen13, John Doran of StormWatch PHD, and Midnighter of the Authority were not amused.

"Good thing she can teleport herself," growled Midnighter, "'cause I'm looking to have a few words with that silver-skinned &$#@*&."

Fairchild cracked her knuckles and said, "That sort of thing just isn't right."

Col. Jackson Dane agreed. "There are lines you don't cross. You think I wanted to see a Night Tribes-overrun Europe? Man, I'll be having nightmares for weeks! And when I have nightmares, my whole team shares 'em, what with me being psychic and all."

"I can't believe you clowns fell for it," laughed Nemesis. "Honest, a superhero plague? Sheesh! I... hey, who are those guys? Oh damn..."

And with that, the assembled heroes scrambled tso grab their weapons and face the arrival of hundreds or thousands of unknown superbeings.

Void claimed to know nothing about this apparently coincidental event.
Void artwork copyright WildStorm/DC Comics, all rights reserved

Jan 3, 2008

Happy New Year from BPD!

Hey everyone!
We took some time off, as you can see, but our batteries are recharged and we'll be back to provide all of you with wholesome BPD goodness in 2008.
Hope you're all doing great out there in blogland and will be coming back soon and often to our little corner of the interwebthing.
Your Faithful BPD Regulars