Superpowered Oddities: Vol 2.2.072.5b

News Of The Weird:
Presented by BPD

LAS VEGAS, NV – Arnold Napalm was the victim of a Mammicular Homicide when he was accidentally asphyxiated between two women outside a plastic surgeon's office. The women, old high school friends, were both scheduled for breast augmentation check-ups but hadn't realized they were seeing the same doctor. They squealed, ran towards each other and sandwiched, the at-first-thrilled, Arnold between them resulting in his death.

SEATTLE, WA – In hopes of overcoming her ailurophbia and cat hair allergies, or at least to bring the pain to all felines, Janice Tater injected herself with promicin. In a strange twist of fate her ability causes her to reek of catnip and fresh cream.

OKAY, OK– Kevin Mimic has a unique form of aural memory which causes him to recall everything ever uttered by President Bush in vivid detail. He is currently being treated for acute Wha-huh? Syndrome and over exposure to malapropism.

HELLHOLE CREEK, ID - Dexter Showtime, a serial killer who only kills serial killers got all mixed up last Thursday and killed himself. A suicide note, scrawled across his wall read simply: I Deserved It.

YEEHAW JUNCTION, FL - MISSING PERSON ALERT - Muggle-born, Ida Mae Jenkins Turnblat, had always thought Lord Voldemort was simply misunderstood and was probably "a right nice fella when ya git right down to it." She recently used her amazing disapparation powers to buzz over to Britain and join the Death Eaters. She has not been heard from since. Ida Mae, the product of inbreeding and an estrogen deficiency, is quite a remarkable figure with her untiddy black hair and large round glasses. There is also a jagged little scar on her forehead received from spying on cousin, Billy, as a child. Her Daddy-Uncle and Momma-Niece are offering a modest reward for news of her whereabouts.

Image of Dog Welder—the patron saint of superpowered weirdness—from Hitman #18 (September 1997)