BPD EXPRESS: Third Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Rorschach Notes
In response to The Question's recent popularity with BPD fans Rorschach sends the following encoded, missive:

"Sage. *hurm* I control the internets. Remember to forget that. *hm* You smell nice."


Cancellation Of "Good Books" Down To Smackhead Gripes
Confused over the cancellation of stellar books like American Virgin and Welcome to Tranquility, Bugle's Planet has uncovered a sinister, new, addiction-led lawsuit.

Stan Quesadidiolee alleges certain "Comics are like crack you can read!" He went on to ask "Have you read McDuffie's JLA? That sh!t had me running down the street butt-o-nekkid telling people I was Moses. An' comic book stores are crack dens! We huddle, glassy eyed—taking hits offa each others books...this sh!t has got to stop. My wife left me and she took every Spider-Man I own. She calls it tough love. I call it the shakes and I blame the funny books!"

Researchers from the Big Two warn certain comics are just too good to print and may get you eff'd up.


This Just In...
R'as Al Ghul says having one's cake and eating it too is easy. He's having your cake right now. Is there something you'd like to say about that? Didn't think so.
Sponsored by Little Debbie® Now with regenerative power!

UPDATE: Tom Drops Kabbalah
HOLLYWOOD - In an announcement that surprised no one, Tom Cat said he was dropping his study of Kabbalah. "It's too hard," the feline cartoon star said. "I didn't know I'd have to learn stuff! I thought it was just hobnobbing with celebrities, like a golf tournament or something."

"It's been, what, a week? That's about par for Tom's attention span," said longtime co-worker Jerry Mouse. "He's never been what you'd call devoted to anything that takes longer than an afternoon to figure out. I mean, look at all the hobbies and jobs and houses he's had! You'd think he would have settled down and figured out his life by now, but he's just a perpetual adolescent."

Which prompted a long and ridiculously destructive chase, once Tom heard what Jerry had said. Representatives for the Kabbalah Center in Hollywood had no comment.


This Also Just In...
Superman-Prime still an EMO bitch.


Triage Trio Takes To Space












Having whooped all the ass possible on planet earth, a group calling themselves the Triage Trio, Lono, Dashiell Bad Horse and The Female of The Species have elected to hand out beatdowns in the final frontier.

Fans may remember the Trio from a recent visit to R.A.W where they presumed to teach the true meaning of 'smackdown.' However, while the WWE visit was marked by running and screaming the deep space expedition has been eerily quiet.

The GL Corps is bored to tears. "Nothings moving out here. We've got comets that've gone into status. So we've been hitting the weights like inmates. I don't know nothing as well as the back of my hand." says Guy Gardner. The Ari Gold lead Sinestro Corp quietly slipped over the border into the Marvel Universe where they hope to continue their reign of terror. Gold left this parting shot "I don't need to hear the fat chick to recognize game over. Tell Lono this finger means he's number one. Oooh, look it's a birdy."


My Humps, My Humps, My Humps...
Guy Gardner has thrown his hat into the Best Green Lantern Love Hump [see booty] Competition and submits this image for your voting pleasure. He also suggests that Kyle Raynor "suck it." You be the judge.












NEWS BITES COMPILED BY DREW BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

BPD Guest Shot Contest, The Second Coming

BPD WORLD HQ - Continuing our commitment to bringing you ‘the new hotness,’ we're happy to present the Second BPD Guest Shot Contest. Starting today and ending Monday, December 10th, we're opening the mailbag to submissions. Send us your best Bugle’s Planet style post. We'll choose the top two and post them on the site on Monday, December 17th.

This time around, we're not only presenting the #1 entry with an Atomic Bugle Tee (nice!) but we're also looking for writers (and ideas) for new columns! If you submit a column idea that we love, you'll get a two-column tryout...and a great place to get your comics' rant on. But, don't worry if your idea is for a single article, it's all fair game.

We may also post a list of "honorable mentions" and may present a second round on the following Monday if the submissions are just that good.

GUIDELINES
Email your submissions to us at bpd@buglesplanet.com. Make sure the subject line reads “BPD GUEST SHOT”

Submission are limited to one (2) per person and must be in the BPD mailbox no later than 11:59 PM on Monday, December 10th.

Submissions should be in the range of 300 words, have a title; include your name, a 2-3 sentence bio, one link you’d like included (we’ll even post your picture or avatar if you’d like); and should contain several of the following elements:

1. Keep the posts relevant to: comics (not just DC or Marvel but the whole gamut), sci-fi and fantasy novels, comic related or style TV shows/movies--anything that relates to comics is fair game

2. Have fun and make it funny!
3. Juxtaposition of pop-culture/popular news and comic characters/icons
4. Completely infused with one of a combo of:
comic book themes, paradigms, tropes and scandals
5. Stay firmly implanted in the world of comics not just the characters but the culture
6. No real obscenity-- think "PG-13."
7. Remember to treat your subjects as though they are real.

Rights And Ownership
All submissions become the property of Bugle’s Planet Daily. We are not responsible for any resemblance a submission may bear to future BPD posts. So please don't think we're ripping you off if one of our writers riffs on the same subject. We wouldn't do that. Plus we value you as a reader and wouldn't want to loose you.

We’re excited to see what you’ve got. Blow minds, sizzle retinas!

Signed,
Sherin and Drew and your friendly neighborhood BPD

Ask the Question Special Edition

The Gauntlet Thrown Down?

The comments section of Ask the Question received an intriguing entry yesterday-- our man Q verified several key points of information and authored a response this morning.

Without further ado...

We both know, why inform others? said...

Mr. Sage.

I find your investigations... effective. Perhaps TOO effective. As we both despise unneeded bloodshed, it would be for the best if you would, shall we say, redirect your attention, for a nominal fee.

Big things are coming, and we humans should form a united front.

We wouldn't want a certain photographer to find video of the Zaire incident, would we?

The Question replies:

An interesting overture, but we both know where I stand.

Zaire? A distraction (albeit a potentially *explosive* one, if you take my meaning) and only a tiny piece of a much bigger puzzle. But then again, you already know that. And the photographer? A hapless pawn, though even a pawn can get lucky now and then.

Ask your business partners about File 2179-J and payments made to Polaris Technologies. I haven't found your fingerprints on this yet...

BTW, that was you in Brussels yesterday. Visiting a Starbucks overseas? You know they're all wired into the Big Eye. Your seeming indiscretion is fascinating.

Humanity and a united front. Under whose control, I wonder?

More later.

-Q

A possible friend. said...

Polaris? You haven't deciphered that one yet? I am disappointed in you sir. Bigger things are afoot.

And YOU of all people should understand the Brussels incident.

Still, I applaud your work in the 51st Durlan crisis. I myself could not have done better.
You will come to my side in this soon enough, I think, but if you had joined when we had a choice. I thought you would like Earth 3.14.


Question:
Sometimes there is sense in professing ignorance, my friend. You've given yourself away on Polaris.

The Brussels incident implicates... well, it would not do to name them on a public forum, but the trail has been interesting to say the least. If you could see my expression...

And my thanks for your acknowledgement of the Durlan matter. You'd think they might learn. However, there are many loose ends to be tied off-- or snipped. Much left to be done. For is it not written, A is always A?

And Earth 3.14? Heh. I'm quite fond of pie.
be seeing you,

-Q

Whew! A fascinating bit of verbal byplay between two shadowy characters, n'est-ce pas? And one more from the comment box...

A student of history said...

Mr. Sage
As a prominent costumed vigilante what is your opinion on the recent exile of a number of prominent criminals to an isolated world?

I feel your opinion will greatly illuminate the matter.

The Question replies:

Interesting. Your awareness of these protocols invites further inquiry.

As to my opinion--it is a crime. True, every last individual exiled to this "isolated world" may be a sociopath and criminal, guilty of multiple transgressions, but their right to a day in court is a foundation of our nation's legal system. Summarily deporting them, regardless of whether they have been equipped with the means to survive or not, is injustice.

I continue to investigate the powers behind this gross miscarriage. At present, the byzantine manipulations extend to several places and my map grows complex.

I also cannot escape the feeling that time is of the essence. Something is coming--I suspect we approach a turning point. Things converge, strange anomalies appear to align.

My friend above knows some of what I suspect, I am sure, and may have his own counsel... but make no mistake. The removal of so many evildoers from the game board is no coincidence.

I will reveal what I learn at the appropriate time.

Until then,
-Q

Okay, this is starting to freak us poor BPD'ers out a little bit. I've never seen The Question quite this intense.

He's notified BPD that he may be unavailable for the next week or so. If he cannot write in, we have a replacement standing by... and you've seen her in action in 52, Countdown and the Crime Bible miniseries. Let's just say that there's more Questions than we have answers!

Till next time, readers!

Coming Up...

There WILL be a bonus update this week, friends and neighbors. We're digging through a clandestine tangle that'd make Jason Bourne's head swim, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel (and we hope it's not a Boom Tube).

There's info on HIGHWAYMEN and a mysterious PROGRAMME in our hands. Cryptographers have cracked the first layer of encryption and are working on what they're calling "the deep levels." Should be something interesting soon.

BPD out.

BPD EXPRESS: Second Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Prime On Outs With EMOtions
A class action suit filed against SuperMan-boy-Prime by the Emo Community claims Prime is "not dealing with sadness, love or angst. He's just really pissed off." In a recent press conference Sweet Sally, spokesman for I.AM.EMO.but.slightly.Goth (I.A.E.B.S.G), has expressed his intense moodiness and confusion over Prime's behavior. "Don't throw Luthor into the sun! Go there yourself and burn with love, bitch!"

This Just In...
The unwashed masses now clean and sparkly.
Sponsored by Windex® New, with superpowers!


Petrelli Reads, Gets New Power
After reading Rising Stars, Watchmen and the X-Men storylines: "Legacy Virus" and "Days of Future Past," Peter Petrelli claims to have a clear vision of the future. "I know exactly what's going to happen next! It's better than 9th Wonders! And I don't even have to use Isaac's powers," says Petrelli.

J. Michael Straczynski says "Duh."


Rihanna Misconnects With Dark Horse
When pop star Rihanna called Dark Horse Comics with a "great cross promotion idea" it took them a full 45 minutes to figure out what an Uhm-ber-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh was and what it had to do with Gerard Way. By that time, the songtress had lost interest.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY ROBERTO ORTIZ & SHERIN NICOLE
EDITED BY DREW BITTNER

Ask the Question!

You wanted it, you got it!

We're back with Hub City's own mystery man, ready and able to tackle your problems in his own, um... well, he does what he does and things happen, you know?

And now, time to open the mailbag and ASK THE QUESTION!


Worried in Wilmington asks...
Do you Have any advicE for a first time investor in today's shifting Long term investment environment? If Positive Merits could bE better described in detail.


Dear Worried,

There is no cause for further alarm. As you know, the events of that horrific evening are now well behind us. Though I did not envision the "solution" requiring the use (i.e., demolition) of two gas tankers, the contents of a roadside fireworks stand and a ton of Delaware's finest seafood-- success speaks for itself.

You also impressed me with how quickly you picked up the finer points of using a flamethrower and a set of Ginsu steak knives. I must say, your neighbors simply did not rise to the occasion, with the screaming, running around and rampant threat of lawsuits. They cannot be counted on to fight the war on crime. The complete loss of the neighborhood was unfortunate.

An unnamed benefactor is paying your hospital bills. You have my best wishes for a rapid and complete rehabilitation. I'm told that the biomechanical prosthetics supplied by STAR Labs are among the finest in the world. You may not be able to lift buses over your head but you'll cope quite well with your two new arms and neck.

Best regards, fellow crimefighter,

-Q


We've been having a lot of nice weather here in Gotham City. I can't remember the last time it rained or when the birds flew south for the winter. Is this a result of global warming?
Signed, Worried in Gotham


Worried,

I have made certain inquiries and the news is not encouraging. Ever since the night a certain Rock exploded over Gotham City, your weather patterns have been chaotic--and increasingly unstable.

You would be well advised to move out of the immediate city environments, perhaps to the suburbs. My sources suggest that there is a weather-related cataclysm coming to Gotham... one might even call it the side effects of a Crisis. Does that mean it will rain frogs or fire from the skies?

That is a question that not even I can answer. However, I can say that before all is done, you might wish it was "only" global warming. On the scale of problems, global warming is a minnow running ahead of a frenzied mass of sharks.

-Q


And that's all we can take--I mean, that's all we have time for today! Come back soon for another installment of ASK THE QUESTION!

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

We're Baacck!

We're back, black and in control. Alright, not all of us are black—only about 40% but that's highly competitive in today's market—we are back and definitely in control. Starting now BPD will be overhaulin' for a much more enjoyable read. Big thing, we'll only be posting on Mondays.

Today we're introducing BPD Express our weekly, news bites column. What's so great about it? Well, it's much faster to the punchline. It's also more skim friendly which we hear is import for a blog. The best part about BPD Express is that you can vote on items you'd like to see expanded through your comments.

Want to Ask the Question? Email him at bpd@buglesplanet.com and put ASK Q in the subject line. Be on the look out for bi-monthly editions!

Miss your comics love? Truth, Justice and Sweet, Sweet Love will back to hit your sweet spot in coming weeks. Email your heart's torments to bpd@buglesplanet.com and put SWEET, SWEET LOVE in the subject line.

Yes, we'll keep the Interviews coming and they're still 100% straight from your favorite creators. There'll also be more original pieces by the creators. Remember that great Omega-Level Mutation Quiz from Mike Carey? Yep, there'll be more of the same.

Think you'd be a great meta-journalist? The second round of the BPD Guest Shot! Contest is your chance to prove it.

And there's more...later...

BPD EXPRESS: First Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Zombie Persecution
The entire subculture known as Zombies has filed for a restraining order against Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams and The Coyote Kid, under claims of persecution. "What's so wrong with wanting brains." says Zeeeedddd leader of P.E.T.Z (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies.) "Most of you aren't using them anyway."*

The Things That Change Boys To Men
Superboy-Prime has been re-dubbed Superman-Prime. Apparently acts of complete bastardy are developmentally defining .

Pantha’s head glad it could help.


Green Sure Is Sexy
In a recent study doctors have related promiscuity to the color green. Green Arrow, Hal Jordan, Savage Dragon and She-Hulk happy to, finally, be understood.

BPD Lacks Estrogen
A recent study shows most women don't read Bugle's Planet Daily. The report extrapolates that while Femme-Fans have highly developed senses of humor, the rise of the online 'feminist-hive-mind' may be sucking the joy out of comics. Comics-Sociologist Big Mike Pellegrino claims "That is so money!"

Flash Cited for Moving Violation in NYC
Flash has collected his 259th ticket for speeding in Manhattan, according to local authorities. "He zooms around like a maniac here and we'll ticket him," promised Police Chief Harlan McElroy. "That sort of stuff may be okay in little burgs like Keystone but it don't play in the Big Apple." Flash's lawyer, Harvey Birdman, insisted that his client will be declared innocent and his record cleared now that he has taken the case.

Ronon Dex Cuts Hair; Wraith Proclaim Victory In Pegasus Galaxy
News reaches us through the Stargate that Ronon Dex, fierce warrior of Sateda and member of the Stargate Atlantis off-world team, has decided to cut his trademark wild dreadlocks for reasons unknown. The move was greeted with mixed feelings by members of the Atlantis expedition, particularly the female members.

"I'm happy to see Ronon doing more to fit in with the team," said expedition leader Colonel Samantha Carter. "Those dreadlocks get in the way in a firefight. Funny that Teal'C grows his hair out and Ronon cuts his, but they end up with the same style. Must be an alien thing."

"I don't like it," said base physician Dr. Jennifer Keller. "He looks like he should be on 'Baywatch' now. He's gonna look mighty silly running around in that big duster with short hair."

Dex himself was unavailable for comment, but the news apparently reached as far as a Wraith Hive Ship, members of which took time out from their war against the Replicators to comment on the fashion move.

"This is further proof that we shall reign victorious over the humans once we're done with these machines," said a Wraith who only identified himself as "Bob." "Our hair is naturally superior--smoother, silkier, and a sign of our prowess in battle. All the humans we feed off of do great things for our hair's health, let me tell you."

* BREAKING NEWS!!! Zombie Persecution Con't
Members of P.E.T.Z. appeared to be demonstrating at sites unrelated to Williams or the Kid. Locals found their moaning noise "annoying" and asked police to arrest them as a public nuisance. Locals were later devoured by demonstrators.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
MARTIN BOSWORTH, DREW BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

Super-Chick Costumes Send Supergirl to the Pole

SMALLVILLE (BPD) - Like most teenagers, Supergirl wanted a part time job. Unlike most, doing homework and saving the day leaves very little extra time. As a result, the girl got creative.

"I was watching Black Canary swing around a lamp-post and Omigod! It just hit me. I could strip! Minimal hours, high income and homework between sets. Don't look at me like that. Judging by most of our costumes stripping's the next logical step. Have you seen Canary's fishnets? And that deep 'V' over Vixen's boobies? Uh-huh. What world is that saving?

When faced with dissension the teen-queen fought back with both barrels blazing. "Hel-low, people. Tigra and Cheetah? They're nekkid! Mary Jane washing Spidey's skivvies showing her thong? Now that's classy. What?! What did you say? Skank!?! Aw hells no. Don't make me go all Phantom Lady's costume on your ass..."

Superman expressed concern but couldn't stop the headstrong teen. Instead he insisted she have a mentor who could "handle themselves" if things got hectic. Stripperella was the logical choice and was happy to take on the job. "I'm not doing much these days anyway. Maybe this could get me into the JLA."

When asked if she was surprised by the news, Power Girl said the following, "Me? Shocked? Why do you think I wear this costume in the first place? And the boobs? Really. You don't go from Bs to Double-Ds just by wishing real hard. My chest is still waaay smaller than my brain. Plus the villains gape, I jaw-jack 'em. Done! *yeech* Boys are so easy..."

Potential Supergirl oglers should know that Batman is keeping 'an eye on things' at the strip club and Green Arrow has been stopping by to make sure it's all on the 'up and up.'

IN OTHER NEWS: Green Arrow and the Gentleman Ghost solicited by Chippendales. The Penguin turned away.

Special thanks to Occasional Superheroine for planting the seed and the photo reference.

Who is this?

Shining Knight... or Sword-Wielding Supervillain?

BPD WORLD HQ - A new figure is getting media buzz, but is he hero or villain?

Armed with "ghost steel" armor and sword, we aren't sure... but we have an image of him for you superpeople-watchers out there.

Stay tuned for more info.

Artwork copyright Tor Books, all rights reserved