We'll Be Back!

Look for the Return of BPD on Monday!

Make sure to get your requests and suggestions in this week...Oh, and start writing those articles because the Guest Shot Contest is making a comeback.

On the Horizon

BPD is getting strange rumblings of activity in Neo Orleans. A pair of retired couriers is on the trail of one Grace Anderson--and the CIA is apparently trailing them. Reporters Marc Bernadin and Adam Freeman are covering the situation, with photographer Lee Garbett providing the pictures. Of course, BPD will be offering its own take on the situation in days to come.

In other news, old weapons never die... they just find new battlefields. A Soviet-era superbeing has been "reactivated," triggering new tensions between the United States and the former Soviet Republics. The reporting team of Peter Milligan and C.P. Smith are providing coverage for WildStorm International.

Look for these and other late-breaking stories on Bugle's Planet Daily!

WildStorm Up and Running

If you've turned on the news any time in the last 72 hours, you've seen that southern California has been ravaged by wildfires. The area in and around San Diego has been among those hardest-hit.

BPD was very glad to receive email from WildStorm yesterday, indicating that they are in the office. We don't know if the staff of WildStorm (or any of the other comics businesses in the region) is in any immediate danger at home or at work, but we want to let them know that they and their families are in our thoughts. If there is anything we can do to help any comic book publisher's staff deprived of home or property by the fire, we hope they will not hesitate to contact us.

Let's hope that everyone comes through fine.

UPDATE- Comic Book Resources posted an excellent news report on comic book businesses in San Diego and Los Angeles, including phone conversations with Jim Lee, Scott Dunbier and Chris Ryall (IDW) and how they're coping with the fires. Give it a look.

Lock and Load

BPD is looking for your comments and suggestions on the blog; what you love, what you hate and what you'd like to see more of. Chime in at will! Your comments will shape the new Bugle's Planet Daily.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Hey everyone,
The editors of Ye Olde BPD are getting together to discuss where we are and where we want to be with this page of ours.

There have been some hurdles and challenges bringing you... well, what we bring you. A few of you have given feedback—which we love and appreciate—but now we're at sort of a crossroads and need to know what you'd like to see or see more of.

Let us know what you like: favorite items, favorite columns, even favorite writers or subjects. We will consider all of the feedback we receive, because it's all about making you (the readers) smile.

till then...
The Editorial Staff of Bugles Planet Daily

Wolfe, Lupin and Ormgud - Aftermath Cleaners Incorporated

BREAKING NEWS - BPD has unearthed a troubling conspiracy to conceal the aftermath of superhero battles.

The question was first hinted at by meta-journalist Garth Ennis in his scathing documentary The Boys, an expose of the seamier side of 'herodom' and poser of the question: After a major superhero dust-up, why are there no casualties?

Oh sure, one of the Hulks (he or She-) might lose it and bring down a town. Or there'll be some Crisis or War or criss-Crossover with a high fatality rate, but news of these tragedies always seems a means to an end. Pathos to underscore a larger point. Ennis, however, explored a more personal affect asking what would happen if your girlfriend had a head-on collision with a high-speed superhero whose only focus was saving the day? Roadkill is the kindest answer to that question. And who would clean up the mess? Wolfe Lupin and Ormgud - Aftermath Cleaners Incorporated.

Not to be confused with Damage Control, W.L.O Inc handles the more distasteful clean-up jobs that are an unavoidable result of calling in the big guns. Better yet, they make sure no one remembers a thing.

"You want the truth, do ye? Well, I'll tell ye—carnage," said Riley 'The Wolf' Wolfe. "It's awful but it's a gud days work, y'ken? We write tall tales fer families an' friends, dole out werege- uh, hush monies to survivors an' rewrite memories. Lupin, being a Nightmare, hunts and eats the more resolute memories. After that, it's down t'the zombies, but that be Ormgud's portion."

Morte Ormgud explained how the zombies work "Well, you've got all these pieces, you see, and you must be rid of them. No point leaving them in the deep freeze for authorities to discover, now is there? So the best thing is to feed them to zombies. You got to starve the zombies for a few days... then they'll go through bone like butter—so you must be wary of any Universe who keeps zombies on hand. They'll go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means a single zombie can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, 'greedy as a zombie'." [citation]

NOTE: Although we have no proof BPD suspects Mr. Ormgud's zombies have been running amok through multiple universes. Indeed, the agency's usage of time-space-dimensional skiffs and the 'misplacing' of hundreds of zombies seems to bear out our theory. [see Walking Dead, Marvel Zombies and Welcome to Tranquility]

The parasomnian Lupin seeks to shatter all illusions. "Yesss, yesss, it's quite reasonable to believe that after a hero slamsss through ssseveral buildings, throwsss a car and collapsesss a bridge that the bystandersss *ahem* will not only be breathing but break into a happy dance. Oh yesss," he intoned, "And after that we'll all sssay 'lookey, parachutesss like from GI Joe'."

Mr Wolfe expressed a concern that heroes would be seen as--well, less heroic. "Don't blame the heroes," he said. "Our orders come from a higher authority an' the heroes, poor buggers, have no idea. We blank 'em." He pulled out a cylindrical apparatus with a flashing light at one end to illustrate his point. "The only one we don't blank is Batman—y'kin guess why...identity crises and such—I hear he struggles with it. Aye, tha' greater good can really be a bitch."

Being Evil Doesn't Mean Being Unprepared: New Beginnings Insurance

A new option for supervillains to consider during open enrollment season has been unveiled: New Beginnings Insurance. See the vidcast here. (or watch below)


Unlike other insurance plans that only covered lengthy hospital stays for the supervillain set, New Beginnings Insurance offers an array of flexible options. The Basic Option covers you, the supervillain, when:

- Acme products do not work as advertised
- Bids for world domination fail (leaving you with hefty financial liability) or
- You're Rodney King'd by superheroes

Grief Support Services for victims of your destructive rampage (and/or their survivors, families, pets, robot servants, et al) are fully covered as well. Additional features and services are being added daily.

New Beginnings even offers coverage for thugs, goons and hirelings of all sorts. Now your henchmen can be covered as well, for less than the cost of one superweapon's daily maintenance. Experts say that offering fringe benefits to your workforce is the wave of the future; in a buyer's market, can you afford to be behind the curve?

Our Preferred Provider Networks cover all 52+ universes with New Beginnings hospitals, clinics, and secret hideouts in convenient locations. Our service is confidential and discreet; adjusters and representatives will come to you any hour of the day or night, in any location on Earth or Earth-adjacent (sorry, we cannot extend coverage outside the Solar System at this time, nor to non-human applicants).

In uncertain times, go with the brand that covers you. Your cowering minions will thank you for it (or at least, they might plot less often to overthrow you in a bloody coup).

Contact your local representative of Loeb Life for more information about New Beginnings Insurance at 1-800-555-EVIL.

New Beginnings Insurance is fully insured and licensed, in compliance with federal and state law, for those worlds occupied by characters from diverse quasi-realities as depicted in graphical entertainment. Endorsed by the Legion of Doom since 2002.

Iron Man Loses Keys to Newest Suit of Armor

Going "Low-Tech" Doesn't Pay for Armored Avenger

NEW YORK CITY - In a cruel twist of fate, Tony Stark lost the keys to his latest suit of armor. "It's been shown over and over again that even the most sophisticated tech can be hacked," Stark explained at SHIELD HQ earlier today. "My newest suit incorporated a key lock as part of its security... and it seems that I have lost the key."

Coming on the heels of some high-profile missteps, the loss was little short of embarrassing for the Golden Avenger, one of the founders of the Avengers and their primary benefactor through the years.

Retracing his steps with the help of SHIELD agents, the spy agency's director ended up making unannounced calls on Paris Hilton, the Blue Area of the Moon, the X-Mansion, Atlantis (twice), six nightclubs, four casinos, the New York Stock Exchange, the top of the Empire State Building, Avengers Mansion, Paris Hilton (again), and the dressing room of the Radio City Rockettes. To date, no progress has been reported in finding the key.

"It's not like I can call AAA and get them to pop open the window for me," Stark grumbled. "I mean, this is billion-dollar hardware! Aw man, now I'm gonna have to build a billion-dollar can opener."

Iron Man artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

Well, we held off as long as we could, but it's time for a new round of ASK THE QUESTION! Hub City's favorite vigilante/conspiracy theorist is back to solve your problems his way. Buckle your seats, readers, as we open the mailbag...

ANONYMOUS ASKS: Mr. Sage(?)
What is going on with the Weekly World News closing down? I am worried some goverment conspiracy closed down one of the last honest news sources. Can you provide details?

A good question, almost-nameless citizen. Upon investigation, I discovered that the entire staff of Weekly World News had been replaced by automata--androids meant to pass as human. The magazine's output was turned into an elaborate misinformation campaign, designed to confuse humanity in a time of impending crisis. Efforts to contain and analyze the androids led to mass self-destruction.
The location of the human staffers is undetermined at this time but I will continue to investigate.

For what it's worth, I miss the WWN too. You've made a good choice, subscribing to The Monthly X, though.

-Q

Hey Question!

There are weird images cropping up on the Internet. One shows Superman crying on Wonder Woman's shoulder and Batman with a scimitar (!); another shows Lex Luthor crying, on his knees in front of Darkseid's half-buried head.

What gives?

-Worried in Washington

Dear Worried,

I know the images you describe and am likewise concerned. The behavior of heroes and villains alike has been suspiciously chaotic and unpredictable. One might suspect that there is a mastermind behind these developments--and one does.

I am on the trail of something very large, the scope of which is... frightening.

Rest assured, you will read the results of my investigations here.

-Q

Dear Mr. Question,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Poptm?

-Idly Curious

Dear Idly,

How lucky for you that I find you entertaining... for now.

Piece of advice: stop antagonizing your Xbox Live opponents with contemptuous "boo-yahs" when you score a kill in HALO 3. I've provided two of them--ones who have a particular enthusiasm for paintball and "happy slap" greetings--with your address and daily itinerary.

I imagine your life will be far from "idle" very soon...

-Q

Question,

What do I do if I think there are supervillains setting up shop in my neighborhood? There's a storefront that's only open after midnight, closing before sunrise, and attracting a very unsavory crowd.

-Unsettled in Coast City

Dear Unsettled,

Your vigilance is rewarded. This is indeed a problematic situation. It appears Intergang has established a night-hours-only weapons store for lowlifes in your fair city.

I have alerted Green Lantern and other West Coast-based heroes but, given their own professional emergencies, it may be some time before they can attend this matter. If possible, maintain a discreet surveillance but do not endanger yourself with direct observation. Take notes--an eyewitness account will be important at trial. And be prepared to be relocated under another identity.

Congratulations, citizen. You have been drafted into the war on crime.

-Q

That's all we have time for this week. Got a problem you need solved? ASK THE QUESTION!

And don't forget, there's a brand-new collection of The Question's cases on bookshelves now-- ask for it at your local store!

See you next time!

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

PLACES: Krypton

Visit Superman's Homeworld!

RAO SYSTEM - Sure, it's mostly a ring of highly radioactive debris around a middling red sun, but c'mon! This is Krypton, the homeworld of Superman himself! Not to mention the possibility of finding trinkets that survived the planet's spectacular end. Does anyone remember the Eradicator? The bottle city of Kandor? Both of them survived Krypton's explosive finale--who knows what else might be there? (Not that we want to encourage graverobbing, you understand...)


Travel can be arranged to the Krypton Belt via Brainiac Tours. Travelers are strongly advised to bring equipment and supplies for extended travel in deep space, amid radioactive asteroids. The necessary gear can be found in the current LexCorp catalog.


What will you see when you go to Krypton? Accounts vary, but most travelers report seeing a vivid green belt of rock and dust encircling the star Rao in Krypton's orbital path. Salvage operations undertaken by the Dominators, the Rannians, the Thanagarians, and other species have recovered no known examples of Kryptonian technology or samples of Kryptonian genetics; apparently Earth is the prime repository for all things Kryptonian that survived to the present time. The Daxamites (who are genetically-similar to Kryptonians) have hired L.E.G.I.O.N. and a large number of former Darkstars to establish a security cordon around the Krypton system, but permit tours under closely monitored conditions.

The largest concentration of Krypton's matter is undoubtedly "Little Krypton," a planetoid-sized accretion of rocks pulled together by residual gravity. Explorers have found vestiges of the dead world's great cities, with no fewer than six archaeological expeditions currently authorized to study the region; tourists are expected to avoid active research areas.

"Some people take the tour of Krypton expecting they'll gain some kind of superpowers," said star-hopping chauffeur Space Cabbie. "Doesn't happen that way, though. Most I've seen is this weird kind of green sunburn."


"Krypton has much to teach us about geodynamics," explained Prof. Emil Hamilton of S.T.A.R. Labs. "I would encourage all those with a deep interest in geokinetics and astrophysics to visit Krypton and see it for themselves."

Not everyone is as eager to see Krypton develop a strong tourism industry.

"All I need is a bunch of rubberneckers gawking and glomming onto chunks of my birth planet," complained Superman. "I mean, there's enough kryptonite on Earth now, you know? Now I have to figure there's a little K-rock coming home after every trip. How much of a headache is that, that Timmy the Tourist can zap me with his science fair kryptonite display? It sucks. I'm going to have to wear that damn lead suit everywhere. People are going to call me 'Leadboy' or something. Man."

Brainiac Tours and LexCorp together have pledged that ten percent of their gross profit will go into a New Krypton fund, to seek out, explore and perhaps establish a colony for Krypton's handful of survivors. "I'd like nothing better than seeing Superman on a colony world many light-years from Earth--preferably under a nice red sun," said Lex Luthor.


BPD is proud to declare Krypton our DESTINATION OF THE WEEK!

Come back next time for a destination that isn't quite so out-of-this-world.

Krypton artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

On 8th Life, Tom Turns to Kabbalah

Cartoon Mainstay Deeply Concerned About Mortality, Converts to Kabbalah

HOLLYWOOD - MGM cartoon star Tom of "Tom and Jerry" fame is apparently on his eighth life, following a traffic accident in downtown Hollywood. Recuperating at Cedars-Sinai Hospital, the feline said through a spokesperson that he only has nine lives and this brings him unhappily closer to the Big Litterbox in the Sky.

For that reason, he has decided to convert from Presbyterianism to Kabbalah. His spiritual advisor, Madonna, said that she supported the animated star's decision and encouraged him with several books on the Jewish mystic tradition.

Partner Jerry Mouse expressed deep concerns regarding this life-changing decision. "Tom's always been an impulsive guy," the rodent celebrity said. "I hope he isn't jumping into something on the spur of the moment that he'll regret later. He can't even tie the red string bracelet on his own wrist--how is he going to master the intricacies of a devotion based on mystical teachings?" He shook his head. "This is going to end worse than when he wanted to become a Formula One-driving astronaut millionaire playboy."

Tom said he intends to travel to Israel with Madonna as early as Christmas, as he's looking forward to seeing "the locations where the Bible was shot--even the B-roll, y'know?"

In the meantime, he's gotten plenty of visitors and support from his friends in Hollywood's toon community.

"His spirits are generally good," reported Jessica Rabbit, the hospital's press representative. "Jerry has been by his bedside for most of the last two days. Butch, Spike and Droopy came to visit, Heckell and Jeckell came to his window. Even Mighty Mouse sent flowers."

Felix the Cat, once a close friend but long estranged, said, "Tom's the guy who showed us cats how it's done. Sure, I came along first, but what did I have? A bag of tricks and a catchy theme song. Chasing mice is a young cat's game, though, and Tom ain't no spring chicken any more."

"He's my personal hero," admitted Itchy of Itchy & Scratchy fame. "I grew up wanting to be Tom. Every cartoon I make is dedicated to him. And to my agent. And sort of to my mother. But mostly to Tom."

A fixture in the watering holes of Old Hollywood, Tom worked only intermittently in the past few years until the debut of the new Tom and Jerry Tales show on Kids WB. He ran for public office in 1980 as a Republican but lost in a recount. He has been married twice but is currently single.

Through his press agent, he thanked his many fans for their support and said he hopes catnip isn't expressly forbidden by Kabbalah.

Superpowered Oddities: Vol 2.2.072.5b

News Of The Weird:
Presented by BPD

LAS VEGAS, NV – Arnold Napalm was the victim of a Mammicular Homicide when he was accidentally asphyxiated between two women outside a plastic surgeon's office. The women, old high school friends, were both scheduled for breast augmentation check-ups but hadn't realized they were seeing the same doctor. They squealed, ran towards each other and sandwiched, the at-first-thrilled, Arnold between them resulting in his death.

SEATTLE, WA – In hopes of overcoming her ailurophbia and cat hair allergies, or at least to bring the pain to all felines, Janice Tater injected herself with promicin. In a strange twist of fate her ability causes her to reek of catnip and fresh cream.

OKAY, OK– Kevin Mimic has a unique form of aural memory which causes him to recall everything ever uttered by President Bush in vivid detail. He is currently being treated for acute Wha-huh? Syndrome and over exposure to malapropism.

HELLHOLE CREEK, ID - Dexter Showtime, a serial killer who only kills serial killers got all mixed up last Thursday and killed himself. A suicide note, scrawled across his wall read simply: I Deserved It.

YEEHAW JUNCTION, FL - MISSING PERSON ALERT - Muggle-born, Ida Mae Jenkins Turnblat, had always thought Lord Voldemort was simply misunderstood and was probably "a right nice fella when ya git right down to it." She recently used her amazing disapparation powers to buzz over to Britain and join the Death Eaters. She has not been heard from since. Ida Mae, the product of inbreeding and an estrogen deficiency, is quite a remarkable figure with her untiddy black hair and large round glasses. There is also a jagged little scar on her forehead received from spying on cousin, Billy, as a child. Her Daddy-Uncle and Momma-Niece are offering a modest reward for news of her whereabouts.

Image of Dog Welder—the patron saint of superpowered weirdness—from Hitman #18 (September 1997)