Professor X Shot, Mortally Injured, Still Missing

SALEM CENTER, N.Y. - Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster and public spokesman of the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, as well as the sponsor of several teams of X-Men, has been shot and is in critical condition.

Speaking on behalf of the X-Men, Scott Summers announced, "Professor Xavier is in the intensive care facility of a hospital we choose not to name, for their own protection. His condition is critical but, we hope and pray, not terminal. He was shot by Lucas Bishop, a former teammate, who is now at large. I am taking this opportunity to announce that, with Professor X gone, we are formally disbanding the X-Men entirely."

Summers' announcement came as little surprise to the superhuman community.

"They've shouldered their share of the world's burdens," said Thor, speaking from New Asgard, Oklahoma. "If they choose to set aside their role, I cannot fault them."

"We haven't assessed the significance of this development," said Tony Stark (aka Iron Man), director of SHIELD. "Naturally we would have hoped that the mutant community would choose to register, following passage of the Superhuman Registration Act, but if they are not acting or intending to act as 'superheroes'-- I suppose the point becomes moot."

"Hulk smash! No, just kidding. Seriously, I know what it's like to be hunted and hated," said Bruce Banner, who is currently in an undisclosed location following the devastation of World War Hulk. "Frankly, if I was them, I'd have gotten off this dirtball ages ago. I... oh geez. Okay, maybe not. Leaving Earth doesn't seem to end well."

BPD will continue to provide updates on Professor X's condition.

UPDATE: The X-Men admitted today that they have no idea where their mentor, Charles Xavier, is at this time.

"It's true, we totally lost track of him," said Scott 'Cyclops' Summers, the disbanded team's former leader. "We made up the story about him being in an unnamed hospital. See, in the chaos of seeing Bishop's arm bitten off by Predator X (and him shooting the Professor, too) and having to let Cable run off with a messiah baby, plus realizing I'm not crippled by the loss of... um, that is, I guess we just dropped the ball. I know if the Professor were here, we'd be having a good chuckle about now. Guess I'd be getting a D for handling this little exercise, if we were back in the Danger Room.

"Oh, and we're still disbanded, so stop calling the mansion. Really."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Skrulls Disavow Blame for Messed Up Marvel Universe

"It Ain't Us," Insist Sneaky Shapeshifting Aliens

NEW YORK CITY - Speaking at the United Nations earlier today, representatives of the fragmented Skrull Empire reassured the media that they are, in fact, not to blame for the "messed up" state of affairs.

"Sure, it's easy to blame the aliens--we're green and have pointy ears, we MUST be the bad guys, right?" said M'Yk K'rree, spokesbeing for the alien delegation. "Come on. You know Iron Man was always kind of a bastard. Did you really think it was us that made him that way? Reed Richards, your Mister Fantastic? Another egghead with a warped vision of the world... not a Skrull."

Mighty Avengers spokesman Spider-Woman said, "We know we've been infiltrated by Skrulls, the only question is how... oh, that is just going too far." She broke off as images of Spider-Woman, her face definitely somewhat Skrullish, flashed on a monitor over her head. "See? They're trying to sow dissent, fear and distrust! Just like... nah, better not go there."

K'rree (whose name, he admitted, is a sore point among Skrulls) added, "This paranoia and chaos is not what we Skrulls are all about. Look, we just want to be like everyone else so much, we change shape to fit in. All we want is to get along. That's not so evil and Machiavellian, is it?"

Authorities have decided to let the Avengers, Fantastic Four and Skrulls work this out to their mutual satisfaction. It is likely that all parties will end up on The People's Court in the near future.

"We believe that's the proper venue for the airing of grievances among you Earth people," K'rree considered. "Jerry Springer was already booked--which was disappointing, because we really wanted to throw chairs at each other."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Booster and Beetle Reunited with Favorite Writer!

"Blue and Gold" Re-Team with Award-Winning Scribe!

METROPOLIS - Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, past members of the Justice League, were reunited this past week with Keith Giffen, former JLA correspondent and close friend to both. Giffen covered an early "untold tale" of the two heroes, wherein they struggle to join the JLA.

"It was just like old times," Beetle said. "Nobody tells our stories the way Keith does. Man, what I wouldn't give to have him back with us full-time! I'd rather catch a bullet in the head than go with a different reporter."

"The time goes by so fast," mused Gold. "I mean, you blink and it's like we're back in yesteryear. Who can do that without a time bubble? Our old pal Keith, that's who!"

"I'm glad to have this chance to work with the boys again," admitted Giffen, who has gone to work for two prestigious weekly publications in recent years. "We don't get to see each other very much any more. Sometimes, I feel like so much time has gone by, I barely recognize them when I catch a glimpse in a magazine here or there."

Asked if this opens the doors to future articles, Giffen demurred. "I'll never say never, but there's so many things to write about, you know?" he said. "I love those wacky guys--maybe one day we'll have the chance to tell about their biggest adventure--the one nobody but nobody has ever heard before." And with a wink, he disappeared back into the night, looking for stories-- the kind only he can tell.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Dave Stevens Taken into Clouds by Rocketeer

Artist-creator Dave Stevens, best known for chronicling the adventures of '40s-era hero The Rocketeer, was taken into the clouds by his hero and has not been seen since.

Close friends say Stevens had suffered from a serious health problem in recent years, but that it didn't affect his optimistic, upbeat way of seeing the world.

An artist and illustrator since the mid-1970s, Stevens, 53, enjoyed professional success working on the Tarzan comic strip with Russ Manning. He also worked in comic book illustration for years, before developing a long-lasting friendship with Cliff Secord (aka The Rocketeer), whose adventures Stevens brought to life in a number of publications.

A film was made of The Rocketeer's earliest exploits in 1991 by Disney.

Bugles Planet Daily wishes to extend its condolences to Stevens' family and friends.

Artwork copyright Dave Stevens and Dark Horse Comics, all rights reserved

Tony Stark's Birthday Party Sparsely Attended

NEW YORK- Apparently The Avengers don't read Evites.

Tony Stark rented out Butter last night for his annual birthday celebration, and this humble reporter counted less that two dozen partygoers.

"I think I know what happened," the beleaguered birthday boy bemoaned. "I e-mailed the invitations on the day that Ultron business happened. Maybe that caused the invites not to go out. That's probably it."
He then fished his cell out of his exquisitely tailored suit and said "I gotta take this," although I don't recall hearing it ring.

"He's been having problems all week," said longtime friend Carol Danvers, who looked visibly uncomfortable. "First, he was unable to book D'Or for the evening. Then Janet Van Dyne called to bow out at the last minute. When I asked if Henry was still going to make it, she yelled 'You ask him!' and hung up."
"I feel bad," she sighed. "This has been a pretty lousy for... I mean, thirty-fifth birthday for him."

The Bugle sent a rather unenthusiastic photographer to take pictures of the event, but after an annoyed phone call to his supervisor he promptly left. Reports of a gorgeous redhead in attendance with said photographer are sketchy.

Still, a few of the heroes, socialites, and b-listers managed to have fun. Newly-inducted avenger Ares was surprisingly enthusiastic:

"Fine maidens, fine food, and an open bar! I am well pleased!" the inebriated, self-styled God of War slurred.
However, his demeanor changed when I told him what paper I worked for. Upon hearing the mention of this s fine paper's name, he promptly grabbed me by the throat and said:

"Hear this, and tell your colleagues! If Gyuss Baaltar refers to me as 'Thor Lite' once more, I'll have his head!"

I didn't stay around long after that.

Rorschach Captured?

Mystery Man Caught at Last?

NEW YORK CITY - This dynamite action photo by ace photog Zach Snyder suggests that infamous vigilante "Rorschach" attacked NYPD SWAT officers during apprehension.

Ever since declaring he would not retire from vigilantism several years ago (by leaving a note attached to a dead criminal at a local police station), following passage of the Keene Act, Rorschach has been a Most Wanted fugitive from federal justice. His apprehension, in the wake of Dr. Manhattan's disappearance, has stirred up controversies believed settled during the long-running Nixon Administration.

More on this story as it develops.

Image from "Watchmen", all rights reserved 2008

American Hero!

Who Will be the American Hero?

by Drew Bittner, BPD Media Correspondent

As we know, the writers' strike in Hollywood may be coming to an end, but the wave of reality shows has just begun to crest.

Case in point: American Hero.

We've watched the last couple of weeks as teams of wild cards--aces and jokers--have taken on a series of grueling challenges. Some have been "dealt out" (such as early favorite Jonathan "Bugsy" Hive, Blrr, Joe Twitch and Spasm) and others are playing a hot hand. Visit the show's official site and see a lot of "behind the scenes" info, including some content that didn't make it to air! Keep an eye on the Confessionals and recaps--there's great gossip to be found.

Naturally, BPD is on the case. We're working on a big interview with creators intimately involved in this TV phenomenon--come back soon and see what they have to say!

Atom Seeks Treatment for Microphobia

IVY TOWN - Rookie hero The Atom has sought treatment for a condition tentatively identified as "microphobia": the fear of tiny things. (This is not the same as "nanophobia," which is the fear of really tiny things, but is closely related.)

"I started having, well, hallucinations when I was changing size," admitted the distraught hero. "It just isn't normal to see the things I was seeing. Floating heads, colonies of aliens living on my dog, a microscopic serial killer... I mean, does this sort of thing happen to other heroes or is it only me?"

The Atom's fellow heroes noted that he has been under considerable stress for some time.

"He's had personal issues this past year--resolving some long-standing issues with his father and some past relationships," said Wonder Woman. "He just needs some time and space to sort things out. He has a warrior's heart and I'm confident he'll bounce back."

"My microscopic vision hasn't found the oddities the Atom describes, but that's his world--the microscopic world, I mean," said Superman. "Could be there are some dangers down there that we can't foresee. If the Atom has found cause to be alarmed, it would be better for the Justice League to have a plan in place." He grimaced and added, "I bet Batman already has plans for a microscopic invasion in that cave of his..."

The Atom's public statements did not address allegations of an attack by dust bunnies in a Motel6 this past week.

Henchmen on Strike!

GOTHAM CITY - The Union of Goons and Henchmen (UGH) has announced a general walk-out starting tomorrow at midnight.


"We've been lobbying for better pay and working conditions for awhile now," said union organizer Stooge #4 (aka Pun, aka Sudoku, aka Tabby). "We have to put up with being given silly codenames and even sillier costumes, then have to pay into our own group insurance. You think the big insurance guys want to cover the kind of injuries you get mixing it up with Batman? I don't think so!"


Supervillains across the country were outraged.


"Who's going to listen to my maniacal rants?" fumed the Joker. "It's just no fun to spew about your big plans to an empty room. If I wanted that, I could move back into my parents' basement."

There's also the issue of who will go and steal critical machinery for diabolical plots, who will construct impractical deathtraps, and who will take it on the chin while the supervillains make their timely getaways.


"You gotta understand, I got a kid going to college in two years," Stooge #4 said. "I have to provide for my family. If dressing up as a cat or calling myself Flurry #1 puts food on the table, I'll do it. But I want a little respect, you know?"