BPD EXPRESS: Fifth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Shanti Virus Cured
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered news of a cure for Shanti virus and it's name is Nathan Petrelli. Clinical trials show that exposing infected males to Petrelli results in:

• Pantywaist looks of confusion
  
• Dewy eyes with trembling lower lip
  
• Fierce Guy-Love man hugs and
  
• Complete reversal of all idiotic behavior
  

However, Petrelli has not proven to be an effective treatment for female patients. Quite the opposite. Due to infected women's inability to be 'that damn stupid,' the virus eventually results in their deaths via fiery explosion. (Research suggests blondes have the highest virus-to-explosion ratio.)

If you are a woman with extraordinary abilities and are infected with the Shanti Virus, please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 THATS RIGHT THE WOMAN IS SMARTER.

Henchman Go on Strike!
Sick of being reduced to fodder by the "fat cats" and never getting the spoils of victory The Henchmen Of Evildoers Association (HOEA) has gone on strike and asks "'Xactly what's our motivation? When's it go well for us?" but admitted "Yah, when Wonder Bags wraps them legs 'round ya head and squeezes it's nice for about nine seconds. Then ya wake up with Big Fruity as your cellmate. So again, when's it go well for us?"

HOEA intends to stage a walkout and commence negotiations(as a collective bargaining unit) in order to secure hazardous duty pay, retirement and health benefits, coverage of legal costs and royalties on the spoils.

The association, led by Thing 1 and Thing 2 of Cat in the Hat fame, welcomes: stooges, thugs, minions, cheap muscle, adjutants, accountants (criminal experience a plus), assorted flunkies and—the ultimate cannon fodder—red shirt Starfleet ensigns.


Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella but
Put A Helmet On Your Soldier
If You're Gonna Plow Right Through 'Em, You Might As Well Cover Your Horn! Brought to you by Rhino and new! Trojan® Adamantium Tipped Condoms in Magnum.
Now Strong Enough to Do She-Hulk!


Best In Show
Raja, on gigglefest Aliens In America, said "You know, growing up in Pakistan it never made sense to me how, in your religion, Jesus grew up to be so fat. Then I realized this was Santa Claus. I should have known he was too jolly to be a Messiah."

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE
Edited by DREW BITTNER

Ask the Question!

Although we have tried our usual channels, we have been unable to establish contact with The Question for the past two weeks. However, an email was left for us in a very unconventional manner by a person who is clearly NOT our regular columnist--yet signs the email "The Question."

An impostor? A fraud? Let's just say that the circumstances are awfully persuasive.

Dear Question,

My Barbie dolls were missing for two days and then suddenly showed up again, all sitting around the table in my dollhouse. I'm glad they came back but they're kind of scary now. They watch me when I go to bed and... and I think they don't like it when I say my prayers.

Are my dolls evil?

signed, Sorta Scared in Gotham

Dear Sorta,

Yes.

Yes, they are.

I recommend soaking them in holy water, if you can get enough (one gallon should do it), or dousing them in gasoline and setting them ablaze if you can't. By all means, ensure their destruction before the next new moon.

Or I will.

The Q

Hey Q!

You ain't been seen in Hub City in a dog's age, man-- where you been? Crime's up, hope is down and the city's circlin' the bowl. Come home, Q, we need ya!

An Old Pal in Hub City

Sorry to hear that, but I'm living in the shadow of the Bat for the foreseeable.

Hub City has lots of problems--but the people living there have to find their own answers. I can't do it for them.

The Q

Question,

The coils of fate are drawing close around you. Two more lessons await and you will be one of us.

A brother in faith

I think you mistake my agenda, "brother." But not for much longer.

The Q

Okay, that was... surreal. Join us next time for another installment of ASK THE QUESTION!, when we hope we'll have our usual mystery man back at the keyboard.

Until then, catch up on the doings of our guest columnist here.

Till next time!

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Wonder Woman's New Toy-Sized Boy?

IVY TOWN - Local reporters were abuzz this past week with the arrival of Wonder Woman to this quiet college town. Was she visiting to enjoy this bastion of academia, or was there more going on than meets the eye?

"She was spending a lot of time with our hometown hero, the Atom," said Mavis Carter, local grocery store manager and gossip. "They seemed close, if you get my meaning. I even heard she made him an offer... what kind of respectable girl does that?"

Speculation that Wonder Woman has found herself a beau has been rife in these parts, after the Atom and Wonder Woman fended off mind-controlled mobs intent on killing the pint-size powerhouse. Nearly done in atop a Ted Grant Grease-Grabbin' Grill (tm), the Atom and Wonder Woman identified a metahuman mind-controller behind these shenanigans. Investigations into the facts behind this event are ongoing.

Asked for a comment, the Atom later said, "Um, I don't know if I can talk about anything we discussed. It's, ah, sort of a big decision and, well, I don't want to rush into anything."

Gossip columnists are going to be busy on this one in days to come!

Artwork by Adam Hughes, copyright DC Comics 2007, all rights reserved

Marc Guggenheim Interview Part Two

Marc Guggenheim was good enough to give us the inside word on a LOT of stuff--so here is part two of Kat Bittner's interview, wherein she discusses his other comic book work, including stuff coming soon!

BPD: Given in your infamous run in the "Vendetta" storyline with Wolverine surviving a ground zero detonation from Nitro not to mention a plane crash and a thousand foot free fall-- you don’t seem to have a problem covering Logan as mega-powerful.

Did you create the last year of the "Resurrection" story as a response criticism of that take?

MG: I don’t write in response to criticism. I think that’s sort of a fool’s errand. As far as people reacting to "Vendetta" that way, they probably won’t like or maybe they will love my next arc on Wolverine where in the first issue Wolverine swallows a bomb.

BPD: You hinted at the end of your run on Blade that we might see some more Blade-centric material from you in the future. Specifically involving Blade’s old partners.

MG: I don’t know if I would call it Blade-centric as more Blade involved. There’s two different projects I’m working on right now where Blade will appear and play a part. I grew very fond of the character in writing him for a year. I still hope to get another bite of the apple with him one day as a regular series for time being I’m taking little hits at him through these other projects (unfortunately attempts to probe deeper provoked finger wagging from Blade’s mother).

BPD: Why did Howard Chaykin change Blade to look less like Wesley Snipes and more like Billy Dee Williams?

MG: I can’t speak to the why of it. He just told me he was going to start playing around with the look and I said okay. He did so slowly and subtly that even though I was informed of that he was going to be doing, I didn’t even fully appreciate it until we flash back to that panel from issue two. Then you can see over the course of a year he really changed his look.

I kind of liked it--it felt very real to me, like in a television show when they rerun the season premiere at the end of the season, and you go "OMG that actor changed his hairstyle!" It was very much like that. It felt like Blade changed his appearance the way we all do, that it happens so slowly that you’re not conscious of it.

BPD: How did being an attorney influence your coverage of Punisher and Law and Order?

MG: In the case of the Punisher story, it's set in a courtroom. It’s all about the Punisher moving through the legal system. I was drawing very heavily on my background as an attorney and on my experience writing in Law and Order.

Except for rare instances where my characters intersect with the legal system, my experiences as an attorney really comes more to bear in terms of my ability to write fast. As an attorney you write a 75 page brief in a night. You learn the hard way to write well and to write fast. In many ways being a lawyer is like being in boot camp for writers.

BPD: You were on Flash for five issues. Do you think Bart will come back?

MG: I do, but in the same way that everyone will come back eventually. I think he ultimately will. It would be great to write him again one day.

BPD: Would it be more in the Impulse/Kid Flash mode or in the more "I’m growing up gotta get serious about life" mode?

MG: I think that commercially it would probably be better and more successful to bring him back as Impulse or Kid Flash, because that seems to be the version of the character that everyone seems really fond of.

Off the top of my head, I think there might be something really interesting in writing a guy who started out as this ne’er-do-well, devil may care kid who dies and comes back to life. How does that experience affect his ability to be impulsive? [We could] explore the real human emotion of that.

The truth is, that’s the tricky part of bringing characters back to life. That’s something that Geoff Jones does extraordinarily well. When he brought Hal Jordan back, he brought back the essence of the character without all the baggage he'd picked up over the years. I think that’s probably the way to go. It’s so hard to speak hypothetically, that’s certainly seems to work the best in terms of what fans are looking for.

BPD: Historically Flash has been one of the more light hearted upbeat characters.
MG: That sort of goes with a character who’s fast. If you’re writing a character who’s fast but they seem to be weighed down by all these emotions, there’s an inherent incongruity there.

BPD: Are you afraid of ever getting caught up in one of those gigantic mega-crossovers? You know, like getting a two sentence summary and they say "Go write this."

MG: I don’t write it. That’s the reality of writing comics these days. The reason why I love writing so much. I look at everything like it’s a challenge, a puzzle to solve that would be an interesting challenge to solve.

Since I’ve been reading comics all my life by the time I broke into as a writer I’ve developed this list of pet peeves as a reader, things that I promised myself I would address or at least avoid in my own writing. One of my pet peeves is when you have the big crossovers and the tie-ins are really trade dress only. That’s what I would really not want to do. If I was faced with "you have to be involved in this crossover," the trick is being involved without sounding out myself. I always approached it as an interesting problem to solve. Also I love writing comics so any problem to solve is a quality problem by definition.

BPD: Any future projects?

MG: I’m working on a TV show right now called Eli Stone, that I’m very involved in and very passionate about. It’s got elements of science fiction. We have more visual effects shots in our pilot than Heroes did, yet it’s not traditional sci-fi. It’s more spiritual, more metaphysical than your traditional science fiction. It’s about a lawyer who may be a modern day prophet. It’s a lot of fun. It’s got comedy and drama and law and musical numbers and visual effects and it’s one of those original pieces that people will absolutely love or absolutely hate. I think they’ll love cause it’s got a lot of heart to it.

BPD: Who’s in the cast?

MG: We have a great cast. They are the reason the show is fun to write because you can’t wait to see the actors deliver these lines. Jonny Lee Miller is our lead; he was in Trainspotting. Natasha Henstridge, Julie Gonzalo from Veronica Mars, Victor Garber from Alias, Loretta Divine, Sam Jaeger from Catch and Release, Tom Amandes from Everwood. There are lots of great people on this show.

BPD: What network is it gonna be on?

MG: ABC. The trailer is up on YouTube and the ABC site.

BPD: Do you have any favorite genre writers?

MG: I’m a big fan of writers who are working in comic books like Brian K. Vaughn. Y the Last Man is my favorite comic book right now.

I like a lot of different forms of SF television and film like Joss Whedon’s Firefly/Serenity. I’ve been really enjoying his comic books lately. He’s an amazing writer. I read his stuff and simultaneously love him and hate him at the simultaneously. There are certain writers I don’t feel in competition with and Joss is definitely one of them.

And course Star Trek and Star Wars. Kind of hard for any male of my generation not to be heavily inspired by it.

BPD would like to thank Marc for his time and courtesy in granting us this terrific interview. Look for Resurrection #1, on sale now, and watch for Eli Stone coming on ABC.

BPD EXPRESS: Fourth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Real Shanti Virus
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered the origin of the Shanti virus. Patient Zero was not Shanti Suresh as previously conjectured. The true origin of the virus is none-other-than her younger brother Mohinder.

Upon further investigation [as shown in last week's installment of Heroes A Documentary] meta-humans [see extraordinary abilities] infected with the Shanti virus suffer the following symptoms:

• Decrease in logical thinking
• Hyper-inflated sense of self righteousness
• Bad taste in men
  

If you are a person with extraordinary abilities and are experiencing any of these symptoms please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 YOU'RE AN IDIOT.


Apish Behavior
Superman deported by the INS! Batman arrested for Child Endangerment! Nemesis jailed for flagrant use of Hair Pomade! Law Enforcement agencies rejoice in high-profile arrests due to pseudo-anonymous tips from contingent known only as Gorillaz Color of Mist. The group added to the chaos by releasing the following statement: "She's all ours now! (this is us laughing maniacally)"


An Ass Trumps Bush
You know Robot Chicken has corrupted your brain when you find yourself watching it on TiVo and rooting, audibly, for Paris 'V' Hilton to beat Barbara Bush down, in an oval office brawl. FIN-NISH Her!!!

Powered By N-Bomb
[The following in TV Announcer voice]
The Boondocks Animated Series! New and Improved for Season Two! And You! All the N-bombs, Now With a Point! Blacks, Negros and Coloreds everywhere rejoice! Same Great Laughter. None of the Awkward or Self-hate. Watch it today! Brought to you by an actual black, negro or colored.


This Just In...
If current trends continue the world is estimated to run out of superhero and/or villain monikers by the year--um, tomorrow. We urge you to go Green, as in lantern corps. Every little bit helps.


Best In Show
This week on, the BPD Hot Listed show, Reaper, Bert "Sock" Wysocki officially dubbed the Devil's daughter: BeelzeBabe.

Yeah, we wish we'd thought of it too.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

Marc Guggenheim Resurrection Interview Part One

Emerging from a, double parked, Delorian Senior Time Travel Correspondent Kat Bittner delivered the transcript of a future interview she'd done/will do with Senior Alien Invasion Recovery Correspondent Marc Guggenheim on his post-apocalyptic docudrama Resurrection.

BPD: Tell us about Resurrection.

MG: I love science fiction and alien invasion movies like The Day the Earth Stood Still, Independence Day, and War of the Worlds. After the movie ended my mind would always go, “What now?” The stories that I tell come out of questions. We now know we’re not alone in the universe, and depending upon how the movie ends, the world is in various states of disarray. Sort of like how Independence Day ends and everyone is happy, but the earth’s been turned into the bottom of a shake and bake bag.

BPD: Who are the people that you cover?

MG: It’s a pretty wide-ranging ensemble. What I’ve been calling the keyhole characters - the characters through which we see the majority of the plot initially - are two travelers, Sarah and Ben. The series picks up literally the day after we throw back the alien invasion. We follow the story through their eyes, but there are several other characters. There’s Eugene McQuery who’s plagued by problems of conscience. There’s someone named Spock, who I don’t want to say too much beyond that name; it’s not Star Trek, but certainly in that direction.

BPD: What’s the wildest recovery story you’ve heard or been a part of?

MG: It’s been really difficult to get Britney Spears out of L.A. I’m telling you.

BPD: Do you think that children should stay away from left over alien technology?

MG: I do, but it’s been really hard to implement that recall of the lead paint.

BPD: What happens when humans get their hands on hip alien technology?

MG: You end up with the iPhone.

BPD: Should we expect another invasion in another couple of years? Are these things cyclical? Should we expect a rest period?

MG: In general what we found that while we have a Republican in the White House. They’re not that interested. They’re like, “Wow! This guy could do a lot more damage than we ever could.”

BPD: Are there things that people can do now to prepare for the next alien invasion. Should we get alien medical kits?

MG: Garbage bags and duct tape. That’s what it’s all about for preparation for anything catastrophic. Works really well in the case of nuclear attack I’m told.

BPD: Will the government be printing brochures?

MG: You can find it all on our website. Homelandsecurity.gov

BPD: What’s the format for Resurrection?

MG: It’s gonna be monthly, 22 pages. Probably anywhere from 9-10 issues per year. We’ll collect things in the inevitable trade paperback.

So check out Resurrection released by Oni and tune back in on Wednesday when Kat divulges Marc’s other war stories from his run ins with The Flash, Blade and the Punisher.

Much thanks to Marc and Amy for the interview.

Oni's Insurrection = Guggenheim's Resurrection

Wondering why we haven't had an Alien Invasion lately? Marc Guggenheim answers this and other earth-titling questions in an interview with our own Kat Bittner, crack reporter. Check it out on Monday.

Don't believe it's a real interview? Head on over to Marc's site and ask him yourself. Now don't you feel bad for doubting us?

BPD EXPRESS: Third Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Rorschach Notes
In response to The Question's recent popularity with BPD fans Rorschach sends the following encoded, missive:

"Sage. *hurm* I control the internets. Remember to forget that. *hm* You smell nice."


Cancellation Of "Good Books" Down To Smackhead Gripes
Confused over the cancellation of stellar books like American Virgin and Welcome to Tranquility, Bugle's Planet has uncovered a sinister, new, addiction-led lawsuit.

Stan Quesadidiolee alleges certain "Comics are like crack you can read!" He went on to ask "Have you read McDuffie's JLA? That sh!t had me running down the street butt-o-nekkid telling people I was Moses. An' comic book stores are crack dens! We huddle, glassy eyed—taking hits offa each others books...this sh!t has got to stop. My wife left me and she took every Spider-Man I own. She calls it tough love. I call it the shakes and I blame the funny books!"

Researchers from the Big Two warn certain comics are just too good to print and may get you eff'd up.


This Just In...
R'as Al Ghul says having one's cake and eating it too is easy. He's having your cake right now. Is there something you'd like to say about that? Didn't think so.
Sponsored by Little Debbie® Now with regenerative power!

UPDATE: Tom Drops Kabbalah
HOLLYWOOD - In an announcement that surprised no one, Tom Cat said he was dropping his study of Kabbalah. "It's too hard," the feline cartoon star said. "I didn't know I'd have to learn stuff! I thought it was just hobnobbing with celebrities, like a golf tournament or something."

"It's been, what, a week? That's about par for Tom's attention span," said longtime co-worker Jerry Mouse. "He's never been what you'd call devoted to anything that takes longer than an afternoon to figure out. I mean, look at all the hobbies and jobs and houses he's had! You'd think he would have settled down and figured out his life by now, but he's just a perpetual adolescent."

Which prompted a long and ridiculously destructive chase, once Tom heard what Jerry had said. Representatives for the Kabbalah Center in Hollywood had no comment.


This Also Just In...
Superman-Prime still an EMO bitch.


Triage Trio Takes To Space












Having whooped all the ass possible on planet earth, a group calling themselves the Triage Trio, Lono, Dashiell Bad Horse and The Female of The Species have elected to hand out beatdowns in the final frontier.

Fans may remember the Trio from a recent visit to R.A.W where they presumed to teach the true meaning of 'smackdown.' However, while the WWE visit was marked by running and screaming the deep space expedition has been eerily quiet.

The GL Corps is bored to tears. "Nothings moving out here. We've got comets that've gone into status. So we've been hitting the weights like inmates. I don't know nothing as well as the back of my hand." says Guy Gardner. The Ari Gold lead Sinestro Corp quietly slipped over the border into the Marvel Universe where they hope to continue their reign of terror. Gold left this parting shot "I don't need to hear the fat chick to recognize game over. Tell Lono this finger means he's number one. Oooh, look it's a birdy."


My Humps, My Humps, My Humps...
Guy Gardner has thrown his hat into the Best Green Lantern Love Hump [see booty] Competition and submits this image for your voting pleasure. He also suggests that Kyle Raynor "suck it." You be the judge.












NEWS BITES COMPILED BY DREW BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

BPD Guest Shot Contest, The Second Coming

BPD WORLD HQ - Continuing our commitment to bringing you ‘the new hotness,’ we're happy to present the Second BPD Guest Shot Contest. Starting today and ending Monday, December 10th, we're opening the mailbag to submissions. Send us your best Bugle’s Planet style post. We'll choose the top two and post them on the site on Monday, December 17th.

This time around, we're not only presenting the #1 entry with an Atomic Bugle Tee (nice!) but we're also looking for writers (and ideas) for new columns! If you submit a column idea that we love, you'll get a two-column tryout...and a great place to get your comics' rant on. But, don't worry if your idea is for a single article, it's all fair game.

We may also post a list of "honorable mentions" and may present a second round on the following Monday if the submissions are just that good.

GUIDELINES
Email your submissions to us at bpd@buglesplanet.com. Make sure the subject line reads “BPD GUEST SHOT”

Submission are limited to one (2) per person and must be in the BPD mailbox no later than 11:59 PM on Monday, December 10th.

Submissions should be in the range of 300 words, have a title; include your name, a 2-3 sentence bio, one link you’d like included (we’ll even post your picture or avatar if you’d like); and should contain several of the following elements:

1. Keep the posts relevant to: comics (not just DC or Marvel but the whole gamut), sci-fi and fantasy novels, comic related or style TV shows/movies--anything that relates to comics is fair game

2. Have fun and make it funny!
3. Juxtaposition of pop-culture/popular news and comic characters/icons
4. Completely infused with one of a combo of:
comic book themes, paradigms, tropes and scandals
5. Stay firmly implanted in the world of comics not just the characters but the culture
6. No real obscenity-- think "PG-13."
7. Remember to treat your subjects as though they are real.

Rights And Ownership
All submissions become the property of Bugle’s Planet Daily. We are not responsible for any resemblance a submission may bear to future BPD posts. So please don't think we're ripping you off if one of our writers riffs on the same subject. We wouldn't do that. Plus we value you as a reader and wouldn't want to loose you.

We’re excited to see what you’ve got. Blow minds, sizzle retinas!

Signed,
Sherin and Drew and your friendly neighborhood BPD

Ask the Question Special Edition

The Gauntlet Thrown Down?

The comments section of Ask the Question received an intriguing entry yesterday-- our man Q verified several key points of information and authored a response this morning.

Without further ado...

We both know, why inform others? said...

Mr. Sage.

I find your investigations... effective. Perhaps TOO effective. As we both despise unneeded bloodshed, it would be for the best if you would, shall we say, redirect your attention, for a nominal fee.

Big things are coming, and we humans should form a united front.

We wouldn't want a certain photographer to find video of the Zaire incident, would we?

The Question replies:

An interesting overture, but we both know where I stand.

Zaire? A distraction (albeit a potentially *explosive* one, if you take my meaning) and only a tiny piece of a much bigger puzzle. But then again, you already know that. And the photographer? A hapless pawn, though even a pawn can get lucky now and then.

Ask your business partners about File 2179-J and payments made to Polaris Technologies. I haven't found your fingerprints on this yet...

BTW, that was you in Brussels yesterday. Visiting a Starbucks overseas? You know they're all wired into the Big Eye. Your seeming indiscretion is fascinating.

Humanity and a united front. Under whose control, I wonder?

More later.

-Q

A possible friend. said...

Polaris? You haven't deciphered that one yet? I am disappointed in you sir. Bigger things are afoot.

And YOU of all people should understand the Brussels incident.

Still, I applaud your work in the 51st Durlan crisis. I myself could not have done better.
You will come to my side in this soon enough, I think, but if you had joined when we had a choice. I thought you would like Earth 3.14.


Question:
Sometimes there is sense in professing ignorance, my friend. You've given yourself away on Polaris.

The Brussels incident implicates... well, it would not do to name them on a public forum, but the trail has been interesting to say the least. If you could see my expression...

And my thanks for your acknowledgement of the Durlan matter. You'd think they might learn. However, there are many loose ends to be tied off-- or snipped. Much left to be done. For is it not written, A is always A?

And Earth 3.14? Heh. I'm quite fond of pie.
be seeing you,

-Q

Whew! A fascinating bit of verbal byplay between two shadowy characters, n'est-ce pas? And one more from the comment box...

A student of history said...

Mr. Sage
As a prominent costumed vigilante what is your opinion on the recent exile of a number of prominent criminals to an isolated world?

I feel your opinion will greatly illuminate the matter.

The Question replies:

Interesting. Your awareness of these protocols invites further inquiry.

As to my opinion--it is a crime. True, every last individual exiled to this "isolated world" may be a sociopath and criminal, guilty of multiple transgressions, but their right to a day in court is a foundation of our nation's legal system. Summarily deporting them, regardless of whether they have been equipped with the means to survive or not, is injustice.

I continue to investigate the powers behind this gross miscarriage. At present, the byzantine manipulations extend to several places and my map grows complex.

I also cannot escape the feeling that time is of the essence. Something is coming--I suspect we approach a turning point. Things converge, strange anomalies appear to align.

My friend above knows some of what I suspect, I am sure, and may have his own counsel... but make no mistake. The removal of so many evildoers from the game board is no coincidence.

I will reveal what I learn at the appropriate time.

Until then,
-Q

Okay, this is starting to freak us poor BPD'ers out a little bit. I've never seen The Question quite this intense.

He's notified BPD that he may be unavailable for the next week or so. If he cannot write in, we have a replacement standing by... and you've seen her in action in 52, Countdown and the Crime Bible miniseries. Let's just say that there's more Questions than we have answers!

Till next time, readers!

Coming Up...

There WILL be a bonus update this week, friends and neighbors. We're digging through a clandestine tangle that'd make Jason Bourne's head swim, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel (and we hope it's not a Boom Tube).

There's info on HIGHWAYMEN and a mysterious PROGRAMME in our hands. Cryptographers have cracked the first layer of encryption and are working on what they're calling "the deep levels." Should be something interesting soon.

BPD out.

BPD EXPRESS: Second Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Prime On Outs With EMOtions
A class action suit filed against SuperMan-boy-Prime by the Emo Community claims Prime is "not dealing with sadness, love or angst. He's just really pissed off." In a recent press conference Sweet Sally, spokesman for I.AM.EMO.but.slightly.Goth (I.A.E.B.S.G), has expressed his intense moodiness and confusion over Prime's behavior. "Don't throw Luthor into the sun! Go there yourself and burn with love, bitch!"

This Just In...
The unwashed masses now clean and sparkly.
Sponsored by Windex® New, with superpowers!


Petrelli Reads, Gets New Power
After reading Rising Stars, Watchmen and the X-Men storylines: "Legacy Virus" and "Days of Future Past," Peter Petrelli claims to have a clear vision of the future. "I know exactly what's going to happen next! It's better than 9th Wonders! And I don't even have to use Isaac's powers," says Petrelli.

J. Michael Straczynski says "Duh."


Rihanna Misconnects With Dark Horse
When pop star Rihanna called Dark Horse Comics with a "great cross promotion idea" it took them a full 45 minutes to figure out what an Uhm-ber-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh was and what it had to do with Gerard Way. By that time, the songtress had lost interest.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY ROBERTO ORTIZ & SHERIN NICOLE
EDITED BY DREW BITTNER

Ask the Question!

You wanted it, you got it!

We're back with Hub City's own mystery man, ready and able to tackle your problems in his own, um... well, he does what he does and things happen, you know?

And now, time to open the mailbag and ASK THE QUESTION!


Worried in Wilmington asks...
Do you Have any advicE for a first time investor in today's shifting Long term investment environment? If Positive Merits could bE better described in detail.


Dear Worried,

There is no cause for further alarm. As you know, the events of that horrific evening are now well behind us. Though I did not envision the "solution" requiring the use (i.e., demolition) of two gas tankers, the contents of a roadside fireworks stand and a ton of Delaware's finest seafood-- success speaks for itself.

You also impressed me with how quickly you picked up the finer points of using a flamethrower and a set of Ginsu steak knives. I must say, your neighbors simply did not rise to the occasion, with the screaming, running around and rampant threat of lawsuits. They cannot be counted on to fight the war on crime. The complete loss of the neighborhood was unfortunate.

An unnamed benefactor is paying your hospital bills. You have my best wishes for a rapid and complete rehabilitation. I'm told that the biomechanical prosthetics supplied by STAR Labs are among the finest in the world. You may not be able to lift buses over your head but you'll cope quite well with your two new arms and neck.

Best regards, fellow crimefighter,

-Q


We've been having a lot of nice weather here in Gotham City. I can't remember the last time it rained or when the birds flew south for the winter. Is this a result of global warming?
Signed, Worried in Gotham


Worried,

I have made certain inquiries and the news is not encouraging. Ever since the night a certain Rock exploded over Gotham City, your weather patterns have been chaotic--and increasingly unstable.

You would be well advised to move out of the immediate city environments, perhaps to the suburbs. My sources suggest that there is a weather-related cataclysm coming to Gotham... one might even call it the side effects of a Crisis. Does that mean it will rain frogs or fire from the skies?

That is a question that not even I can answer. However, I can say that before all is done, you might wish it was "only" global warming. On the scale of problems, global warming is a minnow running ahead of a frenzied mass of sharks.

-Q


And that's all we can take--I mean, that's all we have time for today! Come back soon for another installment of ASK THE QUESTION!

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

We're Baacck!

We're back, black and in control. Alright, not all of us are black—only about 40% but that's highly competitive in today's market—we are back and definitely in control. Starting now BPD will be overhaulin' for a much more enjoyable read. Big thing, we'll only be posting on Mondays.

Today we're introducing BPD Express our weekly, news bites column. What's so great about it? Well, it's much faster to the punchline. It's also more skim friendly which we hear is import for a blog. The best part about BPD Express is that you can vote on items you'd like to see expanded through your comments.

Want to Ask the Question? Email him at bpd@buglesplanet.com and put ASK Q in the subject line. Be on the look out for bi-monthly editions!

Miss your comics love? Truth, Justice and Sweet, Sweet Love will back to hit your sweet spot in coming weeks. Email your heart's torments to bpd@buglesplanet.com and put SWEET, SWEET LOVE in the subject line.

Yes, we'll keep the Interviews coming and they're still 100% straight from your favorite creators. There'll also be more original pieces by the creators. Remember that great Omega-Level Mutation Quiz from Mike Carey? Yep, there'll be more of the same.

Think you'd be a great meta-journalist? The second round of the BPD Guest Shot! Contest is your chance to prove it.

And there's more...later...

BPD EXPRESS: First Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Zombie Persecution
The entire subculture known as Zombies has filed for a restraining order against Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams and The Coyote Kid, under claims of persecution. "What's so wrong with wanting brains." says Zeeeedddd leader of P.E.T.Z (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies.) "Most of you aren't using them anyway."*

The Things That Change Boys To Men
Superboy-Prime has been re-dubbed Superman-Prime. Apparently acts of complete bastardy are developmentally defining .

Pantha’s head glad it could help.


Green Sure Is Sexy
In a recent study doctors have related promiscuity to the color green. Green Arrow, Hal Jordan, Savage Dragon and She-Hulk happy to, finally, be understood.

BPD Lacks Estrogen
A recent study shows most women don't read Bugle's Planet Daily. The report extrapolates that while Femme-Fans have highly developed senses of humor, the rise of the online 'feminist-hive-mind' may be sucking the joy out of comics. Comics-Sociologist Big Mike Pellegrino claims "That is so money!"

Flash Cited for Moving Violation in NYC
Flash has collected his 259th ticket for speeding in Manhattan, according to local authorities. "He zooms around like a maniac here and we'll ticket him," promised Police Chief Harlan McElroy. "That sort of stuff may be okay in little burgs like Keystone but it don't play in the Big Apple." Flash's lawyer, Harvey Birdman, insisted that his client will be declared innocent and his record cleared now that he has taken the case.

Ronon Dex Cuts Hair; Wraith Proclaim Victory In Pegasus Galaxy
News reaches us through the Stargate that Ronon Dex, fierce warrior of Sateda and member of the Stargate Atlantis off-world team, has decided to cut his trademark wild dreadlocks for reasons unknown. The move was greeted with mixed feelings by members of the Atlantis expedition, particularly the female members.

"I'm happy to see Ronon doing more to fit in with the team," said expedition leader Colonel Samantha Carter. "Those dreadlocks get in the way in a firefight. Funny that Teal'C grows his hair out and Ronon cuts his, but they end up with the same style. Must be an alien thing."

"I don't like it," said base physician Dr. Jennifer Keller. "He looks like he should be on 'Baywatch' now. He's gonna look mighty silly running around in that big duster with short hair."

Dex himself was unavailable for comment, but the news apparently reached as far as a Wraith Hive Ship, members of which took time out from their war against the Replicators to comment on the fashion move.

"This is further proof that we shall reign victorious over the humans once we're done with these machines," said a Wraith who only identified himself as "Bob." "Our hair is naturally superior--smoother, silkier, and a sign of our prowess in battle. All the humans we feed off of do great things for our hair's health, let me tell you."

* BREAKING NEWS!!! Zombie Persecution Con't
Members of P.E.T.Z. appeared to be demonstrating at sites unrelated to Williams or the Kid. Locals found their moaning noise "annoying" and asked police to arrest them as a public nuisance. Locals were later devoured by demonstrators.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
MARTIN BOSWORTH, DREW BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

Super-Chick Costumes Send Supergirl to the Pole

SMALLVILLE (BPD) - Like most teenagers, Supergirl wanted a part time job. Unlike most, doing homework and saving the day leaves very little extra time. As a result, the girl got creative.

"I was watching Black Canary swing around a lamp-post and Omigod! It just hit me. I could strip! Minimal hours, high income and homework between sets. Don't look at me like that. Judging by most of our costumes stripping's the next logical step. Have you seen Canary's fishnets? And that deep 'V' over Vixen's boobies? Uh-huh. What world is that saving?

When faced with dissension the teen-queen fought back with both barrels blazing. "Hel-low, people. Tigra and Cheetah? They're nekkid! Mary Jane washing Spidey's skivvies showing her thong? Now that's classy. What?! What did you say? Skank!?! Aw hells no. Don't make me go all Phantom Lady's costume on your ass..."

Superman expressed concern but couldn't stop the headstrong teen. Instead he insisted she have a mentor who could "handle themselves" if things got hectic. Stripperella was the logical choice and was happy to take on the job. "I'm not doing much these days anyway. Maybe this could get me into the JLA."

When asked if she was surprised by the news, Power Girl said the following, "Me? Shocked? Why do you think I wear this costume in the first place? And the boobs? Really. You don't go from Bs to Double-Ds just by wishing real hard. My chest is still waaay smaller than my brain. Plus the villains gape, I jaw-jack 'em. Done! *yeech* Boys are so easy..."

Potential Supergirl oglers should know that Batman is keeping 'an eye on things' at the strip club and Green Arrow has been stopping by to make sure it's all on the 'up and up.'

IN OTHER NEWS: Green Arrow and the Gentleman Ghost solicited by Chippendales. The Penguin turned away.

Special thanks to Occasional Superheroine for planting the seed and the photo reference.

Who is this?

Shining Knight... or Sword-Wielding Supervillain?

BPD WORLD HQ - A new figure is getting media buzz, but is he hero or villain?

Armed with "ghost steel" armor and sword, we aren't sure... but we have an image of him for you superpeople-watchers out there.

Stay tuned for more info.

Artwork copyright Tor Books, all rights reserved

We'll Be Back!

Look for the Return of BPD on Monday!

Make sure to get your requests and suggestions in this week...Oh, and start writing those articles because the Guest Shot Contest is making a comeback.

On the Horizon

BPD is getting strange rumblings of activity in Neo Orleans. A pair of retired couriers is on the trail of one Grace Anderson--and the CIA is apparently trailing them. Reporters Marc Bernadin and Adam Freeman are covering the situation, with photographer Lee Garbett providing the pictures. Of course, BPD will be offering its own take on the situation in days to come.

In other news, old weapons never die... they just find new battlefields. A Soviet-era superbeing has been "reactivated," triggering new tensions between the United States and the former Soviet Republics. The reporting team of Peter Milligan and C.P. Smith are providing coverage for WildStorm International.

Look for these and other late-breaking stories on Bugle's Planet Daily!

WildStorm Up and Running

If you've turned on the news any time in the last 72 hours, you've seen that southern California has been ravaged by wildfires. The area in and around San Diego has been among those hardest-hit.

BPD was very glad to receive email from WildStorm yesterday, indicating that they are in the office. We don't know if the staff of WildStorm (or any of the other comics businesses in the region) is in any immediate danger at home or at work, but we want to let them know that they and their families are in our thoughts. If there is anything we can do to help any comic book publisher's staff deprived of home or property by the fire, we hope they will not hesitate to contact us.

Let's hope that everyone comes through fine.

UPDATE- Comic Book Resources posted an excellent news report on comic book businesses in San Diego and Los Angeles, including phone conversations with Jim Lee, Scott Dunbier and Chris Ryall (IDW) and how they're coping with the fires. Give it a look.

Lock and Load

BPD is looking for your comments and suggestions on the blog; what you love, what you hate and what you'd like to see more of. Chime in at will! Your comments will shape the new Bugle's Planet Daily.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Hey everyone,
The editors of Ye Olde BPD are getting together to discuss where we are and where we want to be with this page of ours.

There have been some hurdles and challenges bringing you... well, what we bring you. A few of you have given feedback—which we love and appreciate—but now we're at sort of a crossroads and need to know what you'd like to see or see more of.

Let us know what you like: favorite items, favorite columns, even favorite writers or subjects. We will consider all of the feedback we receive, because it's all about making you (the readers) smile.

till then...
The Editorial Staff of Bugles Planet Daily

Wolfe, Lupin and Ormgud - Aftermath Cleaners Incorporated

BREAKING NEWS - BPD has unearthed a troubling conspiracy to conceal the aftermath of superhero battles.

The question was first hinted at by meta-journalist Garth Ennis in his scathing documentary The Boys, an expose of the seamier side of 'herodom' and poser of the question: After a major superhero dust-up, why are there no casualties?

Oh sure, one of the Hulks (he or She-) might lose it and bring down a town. Or there'll be some Crisis or War or criss-Crossover with a high fatality rate, but news of these tragedies always seems a means to an end. Pathos to underscore a larger point. Ennis, however, explored a more personal affect asking what would happen if your girlfriend had a head-on collision with a high-speed superhero whose only focus was saving the day? Roadkill is the kindest answer to that question. And who would clean up the mess? Wolfe Lupin and Ormgud - Aftermath Cleaners Incorporated.

Not to be confused with Damage Control, W.L.O Inc handles the more distasteful clean-up jobs that are an unavoidable result of calling in the big guns. Better yet, they make sure no one remembers a thing.

"You want the truth, do ye? Well, I'll tell ye—carnage," said Riley 'The Wolf' Wolfe. "It's awful but it's a gud days work, y'ken? We write tall tales fer families an' friends, dole out werege- uh, hush monies to survivors an' rewrite memories. Lupin, being a Nightmare, hunts and eats the more resolute memories. After that, it's down t'the zombies, but that be Ormgud's portion."

Morte Ormgud explained how the zombies work "Well, you've got all these pieces, you see, and you must be rid of them. No point leaving them in the deep freeze for authorities to discover, now is there? So the best thing is to feed them to zombies. You got to starve the zombies for a few days... then they'll go through bone like butter—so you must be wary of any Universe who keeps zombies on hand. They'll go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means a single zombie can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, 'greedy as a zombie'." [citation]

NOTE: Although we have no proof BPD suspects Mr. Ormgud's zombies have been running amok through multiple universes. Indeed, the agency's usage of time-space-dimensional skiffs and the 'misplacing' of hundreds of zombies seems to bear out our theory. [see Walking Dead, Marvel Zombies and Welcome to Tranquility]

The parasomnian Lupin seeks to shatter all illusions. "Yesss, yesss, it's quite reasonable to believe that after a hero slamsss through ssseveral buildings, throwsss a car and collapsesss a bridge that the bystandersss *ahem* will not only be breathing but break into a happy dance. Oh yesss," he intoned, "And after that we'll all sssay 'lookey, parachutesss like from GI Joe'."

Mr Wolfe expressed a concern that heroes would be seen as--well, less heroic. "Don't blame the heroes," he said. "Our orders come from a higher authority an' the heroes, poor buggers, have no idea. We blank 'em." He pulled out a cylindrical apparatus with a flashing light at one end to illustrate his point. "The only one we don't blank is Batman—y'kin guess why...identity crises and such—I hear he struggles with it. Aye, tha' greater good can really be a bitch."

Being Evil Doesn't Mean Being Unprepared: New Beginnings Insurance

A new option for supervillains to consider during open enrollment season has been unveiled: New Beginnings Insurance. See the vidcast here. (or watch below)


Unlike other insurance plans that only covered lengthy hospital stays for the supervillain set, New Beginnings Insurance offers an array of flexible options. The Basic Option covers you, the supervillain, when:

- Acme products do not work as advertised
- Bids for world domination fail (leaving you with hefty financial liability) or
- You're Rodney King'd by superheroes

Grief Support Services for victims of your destructive rampage (and/or their survivors, families, pets, robot servants, et al) are fully covered as well. Additional features and services are being added daily.

New Beginnings even offers coverage for thugs, goons and hirelings of all sorts. Now your henchmen can be covered as well, for less than the cost of one superweapon's daily maintenance. Experts say that offering fringe benefits to your workforce is the wave of the future; in a buyer's market, can you afford to be behind the curve?

Our Preferred Provider Networks cover all 52+ universes with New Beginnings hospitals, clinics, and secret hideouts in convenient locations. Our service is confidential and discreet; adjusters and representatives will come to you any hour of the day or night, in any location on Earth or Earth-adjacent (sorry, we cannot extend coverage outside the Solar System at this time, nor to non-human applicants).

In uncertain times, go with the brand that covers you. Your cowering minions will thank you for it (or at least, they might plot less often to overthrow you in a bloody coup).

Contact your local representative of Loeb Life for more information about New Beginnings Insurance at 1-800-555-EVIL.

New Beginnings Insurance is fully insured and licensed, in compliance with federal and state law, for those worlds occupied by characters from diverse quasi-realities as depicted in graphical entertainment. Endorsed by the Legion of Doom since 2002.

Iron Man Loses Keys to Newest Suit of Armor

Going "Low-Tech" Doesn't Pay for Armored Avenger

NEW YORK CITY - In a cruel twist of fate, Tony Stark lost the keys to his latest suit of armor. "It's been shown over and over again that even the most sophisticated tech can be hacked," Stark explained at SHIELD HQ earlier today. "My newest suit incorporated a key lock as part of its security... and it seems that I have lost the key."

Coming on the heels of some high-profile missteps, the loss was little short of embarrassing for the Golden Avenger, one of the founders of the Avengers and their primary benefactor through the years.

Retracing his steps with the help of SHIELD agents, the spy agency's director ended up making unannounced calls on Paris Hilton, the Blue Area of the Moon, the X-Mansion, Atlantis (twice), six nightclubs, four casinos, the New York Stock Exchange, the top of the Empire State Building, Avengers Mansion, Paris Hilton (again), and the dressing room of the Radio City Rockettes. To date, no progress has been reported in finding the key.

"It's not like I can call AAA and get them to pop open the window for me," Stark grumbled. "I mean, this is billion-dollar hardware! Aw man, now I'm gonna have to build a billion-dollar can opener."

Iron Man artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

Well, we held off as long as we could, but it's time for a new round of ASK THE QUESTION! Hub City's favorite vigilante/conspiracy theorist is back to solve your problems his way. Buckle your seats, readers, as we open the mailbag...

ANONYMOUS ASKS: Mr. Sage(?)
What is going on with the Weekly World News closing down? I am worried some goverment conspiracy closed down one of the last honest news sources. Can you provide details?

A good question, almost-nameless citizen. Upon investigation, I discovered that the entire staff of Weekly World News had been replaced by automata--androids meant to pass as human. The magazine's output was turned into an elaborate misinformation campaign, designed to confuse humanity in a time of impending crisis. Efforts to contain and analyze the androids led to mass self-destruction.
The location of the human staffers is undetermined at this time but I will continue to investigate.

For what it's worth, I miss the WWN too. You've made a good choice, subscribing to The Monthly X, though.

-Q

Hey Question!

There are weird images cropping up on the Internet. One shows Superman crying on Wonder Woman's shoulder and Batman with a scimitar (!); another shows Lex Luthor crying, on his knees in front of Darkseid's half-buried head.

What gives?

-Worried in Washington

Dear Worried,

I know the images you describe and am likewise concerned. The behavior of heroes and villains alike has been suspiciously chaotic and unpredictable. One might suspect that there is a mastermind behind these developments--and one does.

I am on the trail of something very large, the scope of which is... frightening.

Rest assured, you will read the results of my investigations here.

-Q

Dear Mr. Question,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Poptm?

-Idly Curious

Dear Idly,

How lucky for you that I find you entertaining... for now.

Piece of advice: stop antagonizing your Xbox Live opponents with contemptuous "boo-yahs" when you score a kill in HALO 3. I've provided two of them--ones who have a particular enthusiasm for paintball and "happy slap" greetings--with your address and daily itinerary.

I imagine your life will be far from "idle" very soon...

-Q

Question,

What do I do if I think there are supervillains setting up shop in my neighborhood? There's a storefront that's only open after midnight, closing before sunrise, and attracting a very unsavory crowd.

-Unsettled in Coast City

Dear Unsettled,

Your vigilance is rewarded. This is indeed a problematic situation. It appears Intergang has established a night-hours-only weapons store for lowlifes in your fair city.

I have alerted Green Lantern and other West Coast-based heroes but, given their own professional emergencies, it may be some time before they can attend this matter. If possible, maintain a discreet surveillance but do not endanger yourself with direct observation. Take notes--an eyewitness account will be important at trial. And be prepared to be relocated under another identity.

Congratulations, citizen. You have been drafted into the war on crime.

-Q

That's all we have time for this week. Got a problem you need solved? ASK THE QUESTION!

And don't forget, there's a brand-new collection of The Question's cases on bookshelves now-- ask for it at your local store!

See you next time!

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved