Bugle's Planet Daily: 09/01/2007

[Photo]Funny is what it is.

Part of Seeing Redd Week

Freedom!

After missing Network TV's entire premiere week (yes, sadly, Heroes too) BPD reached the breaking point. We started suffering symptoms of pop culture withdrawal, which included scrambling for back issues of PEOPLE, US and OK! (okaaay) After all, the only programs and activities Redd—Queen of all BPD, wicked be her name, long may the blood red flag fly to her glory, et cetera, et cetera— would approve meant having to choose between being in the audience for The View or a victim of that unfortunate Joker Roast.

Our spirits were not high. Morale was not good.

Just when all hope was lost, Card Soldiers led by Generals Doppelganger and Bibwit came to our rescue. Talk about cinematic! But, um, we're not sure why the Twining Generals kept screaming "This is Sparta!" (It's not, you know. It's northwest D.C.)

The staff is on the road to recovery but is forced to watch Best Week Ever to catch up on what we missed.

Star-photographer Stephan Martiniere caught these amazing shots of the rescuing army. Imagine hiding under your desk and having one of these guys run in, toss you over their shoulder and carry you to safety.

Big Thanks to Frank Beddor, Bo Liebman, Nate Barlow and Automatic Pictures for sending in the troops.

signed Kat, Drew and Sherin

Part of Seeing Redd Week

"Egghead" Children Caused by Breakfast Food?

BPD WORLD HQ - Children in the Oolong County school system are being tested for side effects, following shocking hyper cephalic development among those students who took part in the "Big Breakfast, Big Day" program. [see Chang Tzu: The Incredible, Edible Egg] The affected children all consumed breakfast sandwiches made from the remains of supervillain Egg Fu. Visible effects include cranial elongation akin to that shown by gamma mutate Samuel Stern (shown at right).

"Kids who ate the green-eggs-and-spam® sandwiches made from, um, reprocessed supervillain yolk have shown drastic... well, I suppose mutation is the only word that fits," admitted school superintendent Gary Chalmers. "In retrospect, using the substance of a possibly alien creature as breakfast food may have been ill-advised." Asked about the school system's liability, he had no comment.

Commissioner Demi Albumen, sponsor of the project, has issued no public statement.

Animal testing revealed the potential for physical side effects. This common white laboratory mouse (below) has shown vastly expanded intelligence and a sinister ambition to conquer the world, both traits associated with Egg Fu.

Acme Laboratories in the United States is researching this issue separately.

"We wouldn't be so concerned, except that the children are discussing building super-weapons and how to take over the planet," added Chalmers. "You see this sort of thing in kindergarten and first grade from time to time, but these kids are in fourth and fifth grade. Fourth and fifth grade, people! These little, um, eggheads are serious! Frankly, it's enough to make me crap my pants."

Those children who are being tested have not shown anti-social or sociopathic tendencies to date, but have organized into a group to "promote our common interests and collective well being. We are the future and you will see what we can do. We act as one, a dozen eggs in one nest.

"Henceforth we will be known as Egg Fu's Young."

More on this alarming story as it develops.

Part of Seeing Redd Week

BPD WORLD HQ/WONDERLAND - In The Looking Glass Wars saga, Frank Beddor reveals the truth behind the strange odyssey of Princess Alyss Heart.

Now we know Alyss fled Wonderland after the deaths of her entire family in an “off with their heads” coup by her malicious aunt Redd—Queen of all BPD. May the flag fly to her glory, et cetera, et cetera... After a harrowing escape, through the Pool of Tears, with bodyguard, Hatter Madigan she ends up on her own in Victorian England. Under the care of the Liddell family she was later exploited by Lewis Carroll in a LSD-fogged retelling of her back-story.

Until now, the world had only Carroll's version.

Last year, Frank Beddor released part 1 of Alyss' story in The Looking Glass Wars. It made the New York Times Bestseller list and earned enough to fund a new Institute for Paranormal Travel. Now with the recent release of Seeing Redd Senior Correspondent Kat Bittner welcomes the historian to the BPD offices for the inside scoop on the Institute.

By the way, the great adventure continues in Hatter M Geo-Graphic novel, on sale now!

Thank you for consenting to this interview, Mr. Beddor. First... what is the Hatter M Institute for Paranormal Travel?

The Hatter M Institute for Paranormal Travel is a devout assemblage of radical historians, cartographers and geographic theorists pledged to uncovering and documenting the full spectrum journey of Royal Bodyguard Hatter Madigan as he traversed our world from 1859-1872 searching for Princess Alyss of Wonderland.

Is there a museum affiliated with the Institute? Any highlights? Do they have a souvenir stand?

Tattered, annotated maps and coded journals discovered in a Victorian era trunk profiling this ‘extreme traveler’ are kept locked in the crystal archives at the Institute. The artifacts gathered here from around the world (such as Baroness Dvonna’s ‘GlowGoggles’) are considered too rare and valuable to risk public viewing without the proper security measures in place. However, plans are in the works for a traveling show of the Institute’s discoveries along with Wonderland art and other treasures of Imagination. At present, the only souvenir the Institute has to offer those deep travel enthusiasts wishing to join the search is Geo-Graphic Novel Volume 1 which went on sale September 26 in comic bookstores and through the LGW website.

How do you test for the authenticity of Wonderland artifacts?

Crystallographic analysis along with spectroscopy have both proven to be two of the Institute’s most powerful and accurate scans for authenticity.

This is not a book for fundamentalists of the Lewis Carroll version. What do you say to someone who is dubious of this version of Alyss?

What should one say to any avowed fundamentalist? Where is the FUN in fundamentalist anyway? Why have a closed mind? The universe offers a myriad of possibilities for any one position. Enjoy the possibilities of Imagination.

Where do Hatter M's blades come from? Are they like Wolverine's claws?

The origin of Hatter’s blades have been a hotly debated conundrum since our investigation first began. Theories have abounded including the wildly mad argument that Hatter’s blood contains the element alchemite which creates a crystallized metallic component that converts to the blades which are then forced out through the skin! But clearer heads have moved on and our most concrete evidence supports the theory that Hatters are taught to forge their own blades somehow utilizing the alchemite that flows through their rare bloodlines. Hatter’s blades are most definitely not anything like Wolverine’s claws since they are not attached to their physical form.

Any luck on the Institute cracking the haberdashery code?

Work continues by our resident radical cryptolinguist Sir Cook but unfortunately his attention span is that of a flea and we must continually hound him back to his desk to focus on the task at hand.

Any training manuals from the Millinery unearthed yet?

Several fascinating texts are currently in our possession. Stay tuned for revelations to come.

How were you able to translate the Wonderland alphabet? Do you have your own Bibwit hiding behind that door? I think you do!

Kudos must go to Sir Cook for that masterful piece of linguistic lateral thinking even though it took him much longer to translate than he had initially promised.

Are there any recent, unreleased translations we could take a peak at? We won’t tell a soul... Oh, my pen? It always flashes like that.

[Not to worry... Indeed.] I’m sorry but you and other fans of Alyss and the Looking Glass Wars will have to wait until November 2007 for more scintillating reveals when a fascinating volume titled ‘Princess Alyss of Wonderland’ will arrive in stores. The book is an amazing collection of the art, journals and letters of the exiled Alyss Heart created during her early years in London. British historian Agnes MacKenzie has done an outstanding job of collecting and narrating the volume and I think curious eyes everywhere will open wide at the outcome.

Are the Generals Doppel and Ganger actually twins or has General Doppelganger been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder. Nothing to be ashamed of. I have the occasional blackout myself. I always seem to wake up in Tokyo—wearing plaid....

Per In Queendom Speramu the physical manifestation is described as this re: GENERALS DOPPEL & GÄNGER -- Twining Twin Commanders of the Royal Army. Two people whose natural state was inside one body. Through much of Wonderland’s history the condition was considered purely mental, a split personality, until a gifted metaphysician found a way to unravel the afflicted person into two (or more) distinct people. This clarified the problem but was an imperfect solution, because many of the twins, once disentwined, became traumatized. The breakthrough came a generation later, when a method of allowing the twins to be composite or separated, at will, according to the situation was discovered. (see The Alyssians)

(Note to Reporter: You may be an unknowing victim of this condition, which would account for what you term ‘blackouts’. Or, you may just consume alcohol in an immoderate manner.)

There have been reports that Redd was actually more of a Pink Diamond then a Queen of Hearts. Do you have proof to the contrary?

Before I go on trial with regard to Redd’s bloodlines I would ask for more than an unconfirmed ‘report’ from an anonymous source and my advice to you would be to stop hanging out in those unsavory interdimensional bars where rumors and innuendo go to anyone with the price of a cocktail. Beware of tricksters and mischief-makers wishing to distort the truth! In Queendom Speramu (an ancient Wonderland text containing history, secret rituals, and a detailed genealogical record) along with rare ‘thorny’ DNA confirm that Rose Redd was born of the matriarchal line of Wonderland Hearts endowed with the penultimate linkage to the Heart Crystal thus fueling one of the darkest and most powerful imaginations ever released through the realms. Case closed.

Is there any truth to the rumor that Alyss was the Hilton or Lohan of her time?

Another rumor? Princess Alyss Heart may have endured tragedy and even ridicule during her exile but never was it caused by her own flagrant disregard for universal law.

There’s been talk of a Princess Alyss/Dodge romance. Is there any truth there?

The word ‘romance’ cannot begin to describe the deep and authentic love that exists between Alyss and Dodge. One of the true ‘predestined’ couples of the metaphysical ages; they have sensed since childhood that they were meant to be together. However, challenges and obstacles have existed since the day Redd’s bloody coup sent Alyss into exile. Even upon her return to Wonderland forces conspired to keep them apart. Will they ever find happiness together? Will love conquer all? The answers to this and more will be found in Book 3 of the LGW trilogy, which I expect to be available early in 2009.

The Looking Glass Wars soundtrack was released last year. An album of original songs? Are they folkie anti-Redd protest songs?

The soundtrack is an album of original songs that open the aural portals connecting our world to Wonderland . Since LGW is a novel set in two dimensions and so much of the story unfolds in Wonderland it came to me that for the reader to more fully experience these characters and their world I should somehow extend the mental dimension of the page to the aural dimension to make it more sensory and emotional.

Acting on an Imaginative impulse I decided to create an ‘aural novel’ by producing a soundtrack much the same as a director would for a film. It was an abstract concept but one that I felt held a secret, locked promise if faithfully and artistically pursued. The musical landscape offered an incredible choice of talent and within a short time a number of artists were at work on their songs.

And this is where it all became strange. For as the music came together and the tracks were compiled I came to know these characters, my characters, on a much deeper level. Ultimately, I found it both shocking and exhilarating to so intimately experience the anguish and passion of the heroic, monstrous, vengeful and loving denizens of Wonderland.

What is in the stuff the caterpillars smoke and can I get me some of that?

The contents of the Caterpillars’ omnipresent hookahs is known only to these wise seers of Wonderland history past, present and future. However, if you are willing to undergo a larvae metamorphosis for a minimum of 1,000 years you may join the smoking circle of enlightenment.

What do you see as my color of the “Glow of Imagination”?

Only Wonderlanders possess the ocular enhancement necessary to detect Glow. However, by using the GlowGoggles invented by Baroness Dvonna, I may be able to detect evidence of your Glow (assuming it has not been drained by the ravages of wi-fi and other incessant techno waves).

Please schedule an appointment at the Institute the next time you are in town and we shall investigate your state of Glow.

Tell us more about Deep Travel? Does this new way of travel come with peanuts?

From the pages of the Institute’s dictionary I shall quote:

Deep Travel vb. noun. adv. adj. (2006)

A state of travel surpassing accepted geographic and mental boundaries to go ‘beyond’ what is deemed possible as in “Whoa. Where the hell am I?”

No peanuts but you might come across a tarty tart or two.

Do you sponsor tour groups? Any special packages for couples or school children?
Interesting idea, however, we are too deeply immersed in discovery at this point to be involved with any form of tourism.

How about traveling through puddles? Do we get raincoats?

Those who make light of the puddles are doomed to unexpected and disorienting travel. Wonderland Proverb

Which way will get me back home from this interview faster?

Your mind is the quickest exit from turmoil. Remember, it’s all in your head...

__________________________

Truly, words of great wisdom. Thanks, Mr. Beddor, for a wonderful interview—and best wishes for your next voyage through the perilous realms of Wonderland!

Visit the official Looking Glass Wars site and don't forget to check out the upcoming Princess Alyss of Wonderland!

All Images courtesy of Frank Beddor.
Princess Alyss of Wonderland by Vance Kovacs
Tuttle Bird by Jennifer Bricking
Redd by Ben Templesmith

Part of Seeing Redd Week

OOLONG ISLAND - An unknown squad of "benevolent" scientists has donated Chung Zhu (aka Egg Fu) to the Oolong County School Board's 'Big Breakfast, Big Day' program. Tzu's threats went unheard as Commissioner Demi Albumen contemplated the myriad ways he would enrich her pet project. "Not only will Chung Chang—um, Ching-Ching-Chan...er, Chu Tzu. Ahhh--Egg Fu?"

Albumen placed a hand over the microphone and whispered to an aide. "Is it okay to call him that? It's not culturally insensitive or anything? Oh, he's evil? I see. He's eeevvvill. Well alright then." Vindicated the commissioner continued "Not only will Egg Fu feed millions of school children but his green, gooey center makes him very kid-friendly. Any more so and he'd be slime. Huh? Oh. I'm told he is slime. Perfect."

The infamous L'Ady sisters, Lunch and Cafeteria, wholeheartily agree and are excited about the new breakfast-sandwich they'll create once Zhu is in their custody. "It's right out of an orange book," said the portly Cafeteria, "Course we can't afford the ham but I reckon Spam™ is tastier—Brand recognition is huge for these Rugrats™."

The Chinatown Restaurant Association is already planning a protest. "He Chinese egg," said Wong Fei Chung owner of Peking Cluck, "They never hear of fried rice for kids!? It much better!" (He then went back to speaking the Queen's English, oddly enough, with a New Zealand accent)

Longtime Chang Tzu nemesis, Wonder Woman, warned there may be dire consequences in feeding super-villains to children and that this could be an evil plot. "Don't quote me," said the Amazon Princess, "but there may be dire consequences in feeding super-villains to children. This could be an evil plot."

Ms. Woman is a known conspiracy theorist (See "Save sanity. Save the world"). However, we will keep an eye on this story as it develops—by this we mean: Check back on Friday for Part 2!

Part of Seeing Redd Week

When we contacted Frank Beddor, we knew there would be risks in opening the door to Wonderland. We never expected anything like this. We were under siege for seventy-two hours by a force of creatures formed from Black Imagination. Their banners proclaimed them Redd's Dreads, an advance force from Wonderland. They have taken over BPD in order to disseminate their message.

We will do our best to continue delivering quality, unbiased news but—well, you readers should prepare for the worst.

Part of Seeing Redd Week

By Daniel Palacio,
BPD Media Critic and Grouchy Old Man

Tonight, Comedy Central will premiere its roast of The Joker, taped last week in Gotham City. The festivities were hosted by pop culture icon Mark Hamill, who opened the show by pondering why they were honoring "a man who killed more people than Phil Spector". Celebrity roasters included Adam West, Harley Quinn, and Batman, as well as the ubiquitous Jeffrey Ross and Carrot Top.

Like all of the other Comedy Central roasts, most of the comedians took pot shots at one another and handled the guest of honor with kid gloves. Some notable exceptions:

" Seriously, though, he's a (bleep)ing psycho! The only people we know for sure he hasn't killed are Abraham Lincoln and Nicole Brown!" -Jeffrey Ross

"[He's got] a rap sheet a mile long: homicide, grand larceny, kidnapping Brad and Janet..." -Patton Oswalt

"I've watched that lunatic fall off the face of the Earth only to come back stronger than ever a few months later. Just like herpes. Isn't that right, Lisa [Lampanelli]?" -Batman

Still, the Clown Prince of Crime gave as good as he got: "It was nice of my friend the Penguin to join me tonight. Oh wait, that's just Patton Oswalt."

"Bats and I have known each other for a long time, well before he joined the Village People. You look much better without the mustache, by the way."

"I know people give Carrot Top a hard time, but I respect him. After all, he's the only person I know who knows more about bombing than I do."

The mood got a little tense after that last line, when the Joker said he had a prop of his own for Carrot Top, and electrocuted him with his joy buzzer, killing him instantly. The crowd sat in stunned silence for a moment, then erupted in deafening applause. Even Batman gave him a standing ovation, saying to him "That was your one freebie..."

To see what happened next, tune in tonight at 10 PM ET. AND 11 PM ET. And any of the other 50 times Comedy Central will run it this week.

Preview to Seeing Redd Week

Telegram from BPD Puddle Network

Contacted Frank Beddor [STOP]
Didn't take proper precautions [STOP]
We never expected anything like this [STOP]
Redd's Wonderland contingent formidable [STOP]
Hostile takeover imminent [STOP]
Propaganda unstoppable [STOP]
Battle all but lost...
END TRANSMISSION

Illustration of Redd by Brian Flora. Courtesy or Frank Beddor

By Guest Correspondent
Gyuss Baaltar

San Francisco, CA (DP)-- Titans Tower has become the center of a zoning dispute in the San Francisco bay neighborhood.

Slade Wilson, a retired veteran, recently purchased a condo with a water view and raised the issue of Titans Tower with his home owners association. "Just look at that thing," says Slade, "It's a monstrosity. Instead of enjoying sunsets, I'm stuck with a giant 'T' in my way. " Slade's comments quickly made their way to city council and hearings were held.

Titans Tower was originally zoned as a meta-gathering spot by the San Francisico city council. The hope was that by allowing the Teen Titans to construct their headquarters in the bay, the team would serve as protectors of San Francisco residents.

At the latest city council meeting, questions from San Francisco residents were raised about the appropriateness of the structure. Cassandra Cain pointed out that the Tower is only used on weekends and hardly serves to provide full-time meta-protection to the city. "Have you also noticed that it's a full of statues of dead people?" asked Ms. Cain to the council "It's not a meeting place. The land is practically being used as a graveyard. This was not the intent when zoning restrictions were lifted so it could be built. Let the teens have their goth playpen somewhere else."

Robin was on hand to dispute that the tower served a purpose. "You can't take the Tower [sic] away! Where else would meta-teens gather? We'd just be loitering on street corners." Robin then went on to disparage the character of Slade Wilson. City Council chair Susan Weatherbee had to use her gavel and remind the young crusader that casting aspersions on veterans in this time was not helping his case.

The Council has tabled the issue for now and is considering other options such as razing the tower and asking the Titans to create an underground meeting space, or set up a room to meet in at a local rec center.

When further pressed for comment, Wilson said "I'm just doing my duty as a concerned citizen and property owner. I've served my country and now I just want to serve this community."

Metropolis Photographer Stubbornly
Refuses to Submit to Tragic Destiny

BPD WORLD HQ - Defying insistent pronouncements from the Oracular Sayings Office of DC News Worldwide, Jimmy Olsen (photographer and cub reporter for the Metropolis Daily Planet) is still not dead.

"'Jimmy Olsen must die,' yeah, I've heard it, blah blah blah," Olsen muttered. "So where's the killing? Where's the peril? I'm busy covering the hottest new hero in Metropolis- Mr. Action- and so far, I'm seeing nothin'. Nothing! Heck, my mom is in more danger crossing the street."
"I'm really at a loss to explain it," says DC News editor-in-chief Dan DiDio. "We had a 89% probability that Jimmy Olsen would be dead by now... and our top people were all saying that his death was not only going to happen but was necessary. I don't know what they meant by that, but it makes for great ad copy!"

Jimmy Olsen's pal Superman says, "No death is ever necessary. My good friend Jim is a fine photographer and an ambitious young man--but I have a hard time believing that anyone wants him dead. Besides which, they know they'd have to answer to me."

"The whole thing wouldn't bother me so much if Las Vegas weren't taking bets on when I'll be bumped off," Olsen says. "There are even side bets on who will do it! I think Darkseid is top of the list, for some reason, but if I have to go out, I sort of hope it'd be Power Girl. Can you imagine getting the Hug of Death from her? =swoon!="

Olsen's part-time paramour Lucy Lane was not amused.

More on this story as it develops.
Jimmy Olsen Must Die/Countdown artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

"Look at me. I'm absolutely irresistible.
You're thinking about eating me right now."

NYE COUNTY, NEVADA - It has long been thought the Spanish Fly, an emerald-green beetle in the family Meloidae, was a powerful aphrodisiac, but new studies show it is actually the insect's green color and not its chemical make-up that turns up the heat.

Spiritualist agree as green is the color of the heart chakra which is ruler of both pleasure and touch. Furthering this theory, the all female scientists of Nevada's famous Chicken Ranch have found that the sexual urges induced by green must be satisfied post-haste or risk debilitating side-effects like Pimpus Slapidus or Madamius Meltdownae.

The ladies believe this is especially true of heroes and meta-humans. One Chicken Head had this to say, "A hero or meta-human's sense of self is often thoroughly intertwined with their costume and/or mutation; which in turn becomes their primary means of relating to the world. The most resonant component of this 'identity' is color. Bottomline: You mix high levels of adrenalin, self-righteousness and any shade of green and BOOM it's liable to make your head blow off. Both of them."

This discovery has huge ramifications for those heroes who have often been reviled for their sexual appetites and proclivities. Green Arrow was relieved at the news, "I told Canary it could really hurt me if I didn't get it regular. Guess she owes me some makeup...er...an apology."

She-Hulk was overjoyed, "All of you can quit calling me 'skank' behind my back. And by the way I DID NOT SLEEP WITH JUGGERNAUT, but even if I had, I couldn't help myself. It's an affliction."

When asked for his thoughts The Savage Dragon grinned wickedly but shook his head no, "I don't think it's the green—you know what I'm saying?" Speaking of wicked, The Witch of the West, Elphaba Thropp, can now call Glinda Goodwitch's persecution what it is. Intolerance. "I'm gettin' it. She ain't," said the emerald sex symbol whose pinups are the most downloaded in all of OZ.

Teasers like Beast Boy and Fire seemed confused by the findings and insisted they just flirt for fun. "I don't think it's my color at all," said Fire. "I'm just a hot blooded latina, j'know?" Green M&M was more forthcoming, "My aphrodisiac powers are legendary," said the spherical hottie. "Look at me. I'm absolutely irresistible. You're thinking about eating me right now."

Poisoness babe, Cheshire, claims to have known it all along and entreated, "Just ask my Babies' Daddies." Neither Catman nor Arsenal could be reached for comment.

In a rather disturbing side note: the Ladies of the Chicken Ranch claim their discovery was precipitated by frequent visits from a cone-headed, green man who offered Oreos in exchange for favors. The entity had yet to be identified at press time.

SPECIAL THANKS TO DEVON AND DREW FOR THE ASSIST

METROPOLIS - At a press conference today, youthful supervillain Superboy-Prime insisted he had been framed for crimes against humanity and murder.

"I never knocked Pantha's head off," he insisted. "That was cooked up on somebody's computer. I hit her, sure, but it was clearly Cyborg [Vic Stone] who decapitated her. Yeah, I did rip off Risk's arm but that was an accident. I'm sure he could regrow it or get a mechanical replacement or something--so it's really like I did him a favor."

Asked about collusion with Alexander Luthor Jr. (a dimensional counterpart of criminal mastermind/scientist Lex Luthor), he said, "I was misled by an evil genius. What, none of you were ever deceived by someone pretending to be a friend? Just 'cause I'm Kryptonian doesn't mean I don't extend trust to the wrong people sometimes. Sheesh! These questions are getting me so upset... where is Pantha? I need to kick her head into orbit!"

Asked about being seen with the Sinestro Corps, Superboy-Prime said, "I have a few new friends, what's the problem? They want to shake up the status quo a little. Nothing wrong with that. The Green Lanterns are just authoritarians who don't understand. Lock me in a green cage in Oa's sun, huh? Heh, I sure showed them. I mean, I was released from confinement once they realized the error of their ways. That's what I meant to say."

Superboy-Prime agreed that the (temporary) death of the older Superman from a parallel Earth was a tragedy but that he wasn't responsible. "He flew me through a red sun. C'mon, what am I supposed to do about that? He and the Flashes and that other Superman--you know, the impostor?--beat the stuffing out of me and I have to be okay with that? No way, pal.

"One other thing: I go by the name Superman-Prime now."

Whatever he wants to call himself, in our book, he's still a jerk.

BPD WORLD HQ - Things have gotten mad hectic around these parts. Not only are we dodging the floating trans-dimensional riffs plaguing our offices but: Drew's writing his first novel while editing an OGN, I'm editing several novels—amongst other projects *heh heh heh*, Kat is muse to a popular illustrator with an upcoming DKNY line (shhhh!), Martin is protecting superheroes from Secret Identity Theft, Big Mike has started a love thang with Justin Timberlake, Devon is off to Capri with Halle, Rosario and Charlize (damn that boy is good!), Brandon! is being sued by Mike Carey for Skrull accusations, Ulie is off world consulting the GL Corps on efficiency aka laying the smackdown on the Sinestro Corps, and the go*d@~m Jon Hex is busy being a bigger bad ass than Dashiell Bad Horse.

What does all this mean? We may fall a bit behind schedule from time to time. But, we'd rather bring you great, imaginative stories than rushed meanderings.

In the meantime get to know the devil. No, no, no, I mean check out The Devil You Know, Vicious Circle and Dead Men's Boots from the Felix Castor Series by Mike Carey.

How 'bout that swank t-shirt Mike is rocking. Look Ma! We Famous!

NEW YORK - J. Jonah Jameson and Spider-Man, also known as Peter Parker, have decided to settle their dispute in a charity boxing match. The match is being organized by Night Thrasher of the New Warriors, who promises that there will be no SHIELD intervention, and Vince McMahon, chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, who has secured PayPerView rights.

"Jameson will be given pre-selected cybernetic enhancements for the event, giving him an equal footing with the Webslinger. We have a venue picked out and picking up Jameson will be no problem no matter how many guys they got watching him. It should be a good fight," the radical leader posted on his WeTube site.

Though Spider-Man is currently wanted by most authorities, SHIELD Director Tony Stark has decided to suspend Parker's warrant until the match is done. "Well, it is for charity. Which is important. And it would be a good fight." The Director tugged at his tie rather excitedly while I tried to think of a follow-up. "It's not like I'm betting on the thing," Stark blurted before asking me to leave with the three SHIELD agents he called in.

"I'm ready to settle this once and for all," Spider-Man told this reporter in an alley behind a Jack-In-The-Box. "Sitting in his office, listening to the same tirade day in, day out. Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong. Did you see King of Kong? Excellent."
Spider-Man artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

BPD WORLD HEADQUARTERS - Late breaking news! The famous robot heroes known as the Metal Men have been recycled.

"It was a difficult decision--I mean, these guys are my friends," said creator Will "Doc" Magnus at his laboratory. "But I took a real beating in the stock market and hey, gold is gold!"

With the market for precious metals taking an upturn in a turbulent economy, the decision may have been hard, but it reaped Magnus a windfall of approximately $7.2 million. He's also kept the team's responsometers in the event that he's able to scrounge up enough metal to reconstitute his creations.

But such a decision was not made lightly, and the repercussions seem likely to continue for a long time to come.

"I don't know if I'll be able to look at a can of soup without thinking of Tin," Magnus said, getting choked up. "Or take my temperature without thinking of Mercury." He looked at the check in his hand and then shrieked, "What have I done?"

Concerned friends of the mad sci- er, inventing genius are collecting spare metal fragments. Contributions can be made to: Save Will Magnus, PO Box 5519, Metropolis.

SAYS JAMESON CREATED A "HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT"

NEW YORK - In what should be a landmark civil suit, Spider-Man, otherwise known as Peter Parker, has decided to countersue his former Daily Bugle employer, J. Jonah Jameson, for harassment. Parker asserts that working for a newspaper that regularly defamed his alter ego took a toll on him. Jameson started the legal battle when he initiated a suit against Parker claiming the former photographer for the Bugle fabricated photos while in the paper's employ.

Jameson also claims Parker used the Bugle to further the popularity of his Spider-Man persona. Parker says the claim is "blatantly ridiculous."

Foggy Nelson, Spider-Man's attorney, read from a prepared statement at a press conference last night announcing the suit. Parker could not attend personally stemming for his semi-fugitive status. "My photos were never used to promote my status as Spider-Man. If anything, selling my photos to the Daily Bugle only decreased my popularity with the citizens of New York. On more than one occasion, Mr. Jameson used my photos in biased editorials and outlandishly inaccurate recounts of my exploits."

Nelson went on to read, "For years, I provided photos to a company that strives not only to see me in prison, but, a few times, in my grave . No other paper would even look at my pictures, and what was I supposed to do? Not eat? You know how many chemicals went into making that webbing? I won't tell you were the new stuff comes from, but it is saving me...how would the fingers-counting-cash hand sign be written on paper?"

"My client is not in this for money. In fact, Mr. Parker is seeking damages equal to what Mr. Jameson is seeking, or for Mr. Jameson to end this 'farce.' His words," Nelson was quick to add. "Our hope is that this will all be behind us soon."

When asked for his side of the story, Jameson had only this to say. "You want a comment? Here's a comment. You want to know what I think? What the truth is? Read a respectable paper like the Daily Bugle! Now get out of my office!"

Blue "Little People" Saved,
Old Wizard Frustrated

NAMELESS MEDIEVAL FOREST - Due to conservationist intervention and strict habitat control, the Smurfs are officially off the endangered species list. With a population of more than a hundred, the creatures--with their distinctive blue skin, white caps and height of "no more than three apples tall"--were on the verge of extinction less than twenty years ago. The extent of their crisis was never made plain in a series of documentaries more than twenty years ago, but xenonaturalists say the blue folk were almost smurfin' gone.

What was the cause of this threat to their existence? What was so terrible that their human friends Johan and Peewit couldn't save them?

"It was that smurfin' Gargamel," confirms Papa Smurf. "We never dwelt on it on the nature specials, but he and his smurfin' cat Azrael captured several of our citizens. Totally smurfed 'em up. Just unbe-smurfin'-lievable. You never saw Moneylender Smurf, Appleseller Smurf, Hobo Smurf, Smurf-at-Arms or Hippie Smurf, did you? There's a terrible reason why." He sniffled, then said, "Don't even ask me about Ratcatcher Smurf! Gravedigger Smurf was very busy for awhile there... aw, smurf is me."

Asked about the population given only two females (Smurfette and Sassette), Papa Smurf said, "We don't discuss freaky blue bidness with outsiders, yo."

Gargamel made no public statement, just yelled at the BPD reporter and said something about using his magic to "strike fear into your Smurf-loving hearts." So far, no magical retribution has been detected.

Discovered by famed Belgian naturalist and cartoonist Peyo (aka Pierre Culliford) in October 1958, the Smurfs existed in a modern Belgian woodland that is co-temporal with the High Middle Ages; their village was only intermittently accessible to the modern world. The dire situation was only discovered two years ago, when an international effort was launched to protect the Smurfs.

"We are grateful to our friends in the human world," Papa Smurf said. "Now please leave us the smurf alone."

For more information on the Smurfs, visit http://www.smurf.com/

Smurf artwork by Peyo and Hanna-Barbara Productions, all rights reserved; village scene copyright Peyo and UNICEF, all rights reserved

NEW YORK, NY - Due to his recent attacks on Manhattan and his vendetta against America's foremost heroes, the Hulk has been officially downgraded from "Incredible" to the more fitting "Irascible."

"We felt it was justified, changing to 'The Irascible Hulk,'" said Marvel News Group editor-in-chief Joe Quesada. "His actions have been pretty cranky. I have news footage of him kicking a puppy, for heaven's sake! No, he's no longer 'incredible' in our coverage. If this keeps up, we may even have to change his official adjective to 'Irritating' or even 'Abominable'. Though that might confuse him with the Abomination... ah well, we'll think of something really nasty. Hey! 'The Nasty Hulk!' I like it!"

Representatives for the Hulk had no official comment, except to say that "Green Scar is the Green King is the Hulk is Holku... whatever you want to call him, it doesn't really matter. He smashes wherever he likes."

Stan Lee, press agent for many prominent superheroes, said, "This is crazy! The Hulk, not Incredible? Not on my watch, true believers! Excelsior!" Lee was restrained before he could "rush to the rescue" of the green behemoth, who continues to reshape midtown Manhattan into a crude copy of a gladiatorial arena.

The Hulk recently announced his intention to make his defeated enemies battle each other in mortal combat, as he had to do on the planet Sakaar, as a gladiatorial slave of the Red King. Naturally, his earthbound sympathizers in the superhero community are dismayed.

More news as it develops.

Throughout the known universes the Shadow of The Bat is one of the toughest burdens to shed. For one Matrix superstar it's been utterly debilitating.

It all started with a story reporting Neo, nee Thomas Anderson, botched scores of attempts to save Zion. His primary dissenter, The Architect, exposed this scandal in a series of didactic meanderings so nonsensical BPD has had to paraphrase them for clarity. The gist: 'Neo's been reincarnated about 100 times and he still can't get the job done. Mankind is doomed. Doomed I say.'

The intrepid—though fallible—hero couldn't face the suffering he'd caused; so he did the only thing he could. He blamed Batman.

"The Multiverse is made up of a complex system of balances. For every cause an effect, for every up a down. Whoooaa. Think about it. As long as there's a Batman I can never be The One. It would throw space and stuff outta whack. You know?" said the cutie in a black leather duster. "You've seen how I tried to create that big, billowing cape thing in the Matrix? It kept crashing the system." He hung his head.

"It's not my fault. I've tried to handle the situation on my own. Like, you know how everyone thinks Trinity's dead? Nope, I saved her. That's why I keep failing. I kept saving her. I had to try something else so I sent her to Gotham to take out The Bat. Next thing I know she's the new CatWoman and is jacking into the system as Trois, as in 'menage-a.' Damn that Boy Wonder"

DrkNite-2847, a web and matrix specialist, agrees. "Batman is the one. Like the one, the One. Like the baddest, bad ass there ever was. If you were to check his wallet it'd say 'bad mutha trucka' on it. Batman has survived rubber nipples and Batman Forever. Neo couldn't even survive the Architect and Reloaded...and how do you make an orgy not good? I mean, who does that?...and you know what else? Trinity is a babe and all but DIE ALREADY! I stopped cryin' like ten minutes ago *sheesh*"

Even Morpheus, Neo's staunchest supporter, expressed disappointment in his protege's inability to surpass Batman. "One would think—after 13, 14 tries—he would have saved us already. Batman doesn't try... But do you know what truly bothers me? Why doesn't our mecha have force fields or domes—damn it! Even a canopy would be acceptable..."

NOTE: Other objects of Neo's envy include John Murdoch of Dark City (aka the Cerebral Matrix)

The views expressed in this article do not actually reflect those of The Bugle's Planet Daily. "We love The Matrix a lot. As in a lot, a lot. As in it's one of the baddest, bad ass movies ever made."

ASGARD, OK - In the early hours of Sunday morning, Thor's chariot trampled Rainbow Brite's horse Starlite in the most tragic of enchanted goat/horse collisions.

Brite, 23, was thrown from Starlite and received multiple fractures and contusions before coming to rest at the bottom of the Rainbow Bridge. Starlite was not so lucky.

Authorities at the scene described the Thunder God as "highly inebriated" and "smelling of mead," but Thor, 1,014, was quick to dispute the DUI.

"Twas' but a moment after we were away from Asgard before a blinding glow appeared before mine eyes. When it passed, yon girl and frilly horse were before Toothgnasher and Toothgrinder." He shook his blond-tressed head in grief. "If only I was the god of speed, this tragedy would not have come to pass."

Heimdall, guardian of the gates of Asgard, witnessed most of the collision. "I followed Thor's path for the first hundred miles, " Heimdall explained before a godly blush colored his cheeks. "Then, fair Brunnhilde arrived, and well, she is distracting. I overhead a terrible crash and looked out to see Thor's chariot come to a stop near the felled beast."

Brunnhilde, the Defender known as Valkyrie, later informed me she was nowhere in the vicinity of the Rainbow Bridge. That is, until she was called to pick up Starlite. "I don't know who Heimdall saw, but it wasn't me," she insisted.

Officer Ian Kol, the first policeman on the scene, stands by his report of Thor's inebriation. Officer Kol wants Thor placed under arrest, but proceedings have been halted due to Thor's under-defined diplomatic status. "He should take the fall," demanded Kol. "I'm tired of 'celebrities' getting away with willful misconduct. It's high time my br-, uh, Thor, yes, Thor pays for his arrogance."

Rainbow Brite is listed in critical but stable condition; Brunnhilde has no plans to visit her as yet.

Welcome to the first installment of a new feature, DEEP DARK SECRETS. We broke news of Doomsday's real name here some time ago, and that triggered... well, something. All of a sudden, people are coming out of the woodwork to give us super-gossip.

We'll start with a deep dark secret about one of the universe's most feared tyrants: the legendary New God known as Darkseid.

We found archival photos of the Great Stone Face giving a reading at the Coffee Bean in Manhattan in 1954.

"Back when I knew the 'Seid, he was a groovy cat, man," said Franklyn Delyle (aka Frankie the D). "Liked the dark stuff a lot, can ya dig it? No bongo-playin', just straight-up at the microphone. He did his thing prob'ly two, three months, back in the five-four. He was hangin' with Jack K and Allen G, if ya know where I'm comin' from. He sat in with the Beats and laid down some words, my friend.

"He started gettin' a little heavy, though, man. Everybody gets hecklers, it's just how the beats groove, baby. But... ain't nothin' cool 'bout what he did, man. Not groovy. See, he had these laser beams'd shoot out of his eyeballs. Freaky-deaky! We, uh, didn't ask him back after that."

Notorious sixties scene maven Jo Stockton said, "For awhile, I thought Darkseid was really onto something groovy. I was shooting fashion layouts for a magazine or two and he was on the scene, y'know, scribbling his notes. I remember he had an hour-long thing he did called 'Anti-Life Equation' or something like that. It was terrible but none of us could ever tell him that. He was just too intense."

Darkseid's flirtation with beat poetry came to an end in 1958 when he disappeared from the scene entirely. It may be no coincidence that that year he ruthlessly suppressed an uprising by the Hunger Dogs of Apokolips.

"He never wrote another poem after that," said long-time flunky Desaad. "He told me that annihilation was his epic poem, his paean to the Old Gods. Maybe he was in a bad mood that day, though sometimes it's hard to tell."

What if Darkseid had gone on with his poetry? Would he be remembered in the same company as Kerouac, Ginsberg and their brethren? Or would he simply end up battling Orion, this time on a stage instead of on Apokolips? The universe may never know...

Okay, so we didn't post anything new. Instead, your editorial group and contributor Devon had a great day in Alexandria. We can recommend Ted's Montana Grill, for those of you in the area.

In BPD news, there was only a single fax on our machine over the weekend. Uatu the Watcher (not to be confused with Utah the State) said:

Dear BPD gang,
Just to let you know, this weekend I'll be watching babes on
the beach, steaks on my barbecue and tallboys in my cooler.
Have a wild one!
U-the-Dub

That Watcher is such a comedian...

See you all Wednesday! We have some good stuff coming up...

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