SKK Leader to Officials: "We Warned You!"

LONDON - With various rumors from Japan alleging the "secret" Avengers killed a Skrull posing as notorious assassin Elektra, a man, known only as Ryder, is going on the record that he has been trying to warn people about an invasion for ten years.

"We warned you, and what does the US government do? Send Cap America to stomp our [butts]!" exclaimed the burly leader of the so-called Skrull Kill Krew. Since 1995, the Krew have been spotted in all parts of the world leaving a trail of bodies. Government officials immediately quashed the ballyhoo. If the Krew have been keeping back an invasion, why are they wanted in seventeen countries?

"It's all politics," Ryder explains. "[Frak]ers don't want the 'quo disturbed, so we get labeled 'murderers', when we heroes. We deserve [frak]ing medals for this [crap]."

Ryder says the Krew started their crusade after realizing Skrull-tainted meat had not only given them shapeshifting and other superhuman abilities, but also a death sentence. People infected with MSCD (Mad Skrull-Cow Disease) are likely to die within a week of exposure—except for those few who gain powers... however, even they can look forward to a gradual decline in health before expiring horribly, years before their time.

With such a great sacrifice, most of the Krew is not happy to be left out of the public reveal. They want martyr status.

Krew member Dice aka Rob Fortune is very disappointed with the way superheroes have dismissed their claims, but now seem to have "jumped on the bandwagon." "It's, like, dude, my girlfriend was one of dem, you know? My lady. We've been taking out Skrull posts, for like, ever, man. The Avengers find one and all of suddenly people suspect a conspiracy? Not cool."

Moonstomp is showing heavy signs of the last stages of MSCD and hopes the Elektra reveal leads to global awareness of the infiltration. He had many things to say but, due to their irrelevance and insinuations to the inadequacy of my ethnicity, I refuse to write them. He did have one printable thing to say: "But no [person of African descent] ever gave me a disease. Death to Skrulls!"

Anyone (or agency) can find Moonstomp at the rally on July 31 or the Iron Cross Bar & Grill he likes to frequent on weekends.

To date, over three thousand disappearances have been attributed to the SKK's Skrull cleansing mission, including the entire town of Pleasant Valley. Authorities are quick to point out that since no Skrull body has been shown to the public, the SKK's claims cannot be fully believed. "Until we get confirmed evidence of a 'Skrull invasion,' there's not much we can do," said Agent Clay Quartermain of the military organization SHIELD, using air quotes. "Till then, this Skrull Kill Krew should turn themselves in to get this situation investigated."

The Krew, who took some time to start a class action suit against McDonald's, are reluctant to trust authorities when it comes to the invasion. "Any one of the politicians or commanders could be a Skrull," explained Krew member Kimberly Dee aka Catwalk, a former supermodel. "We can't get close enough to check before they may try to kill us."

As evidence goes, Ryder left me with this shocking image he took before leaving Pleasant Valley.

Read more >> Options >>

The New Name Of Fear....Ari Gold Joins The Sinestro Corps!

PLAYBOY GROTTO - Across the universe—and especially Hollywood—no name inspires fear more than Ari Gold, Powerhouse Agent. Oppressing assistants, backstabbing friends, turning a hug into a feared symbol of alpha-male dominance; Ari Gold [of the hit reality series Entourage] inspires sheer terror in all those who come across him.

So it was only logical that alien mastermind Sinestro, in recruiting villains and ne'er do-wells for the assemblage of evil known as the Sinestro Corps, should send a yellow power ring to Ari's office. Would he conscript Ari into the ranks? Bugle's Planet Daily has the exclusive scoop:

Power Ring: ARI GOLD, EARTHMAN OF SECTOR 2814. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO INSTILL GREAT FEAR--

Ari Gold: Ok, listen here, you pyrite-plated piece of $#@! There's only one ring that tells me what to do, and it's not on this finger. The last time I listened to a %$#ing ring, I ended up with therapy bills in the five figures and a wife who doesn't understand I take calls to keep her in her Tuscan villa nine weeks out of the year! So if you have anything else to say, say it quick before I go downtown and pawn you for a pack of Marlboros and the gun I'm going to kill my assistant with!

Power Ring: ---uh, welcome to the Sinestro Corps. Please. If you want. No pressure or anything.

So it was that Ari quickly journeyed to the antimatter world of Qward, headquarters of the Sinestro Corps, for a talk with the intergalactic fiend.

Sinestro: Ah, excellent. A human this time. You must be a fearsome being indeed for the ring to have chosen you.

Ari Gold: Fearsome? Listen, you purple p3%!$ eater, when anyone speaks my name at all, from Rodeo Drive to Reseda, it's said with the hushed tones you reserve for when someone's career dies faster than Lindsay Lohan gets bounced back into rehab. If you want me to take this whole "esprit de corpse" crap seriously, you better show me something more than a bunch of flying fake jewelry and guys who looked like they got rejected from a Troma Films audition.

Sinestro: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME
IN SUCH A FASHION, YOU HAIRLESS APE! I AM SINESTRO, LEADER OF THE SINESTRO CORPS! THROUGH ME SHALL TERROR BE BROUGHT TO THE UNIVERSE! ALL WILL BOW BEFORE THE POWER OF FEAR THAT I COMMAND!

Ari Gold: Nice speech, Jughead. If I was 25 and liked c@#!, we might've been something. But right here and now, you're just wasting my time, and you know what I do with people who waste my time?

Sinestro: I WILL--

*Ari promptly incinerates Sinestro*

Ari Gold: Well, I was gonna hug it out with you, b?!$&h, but in your case, I made an exception.

And so it was that Ari Gold took command of the Sinestro Corps, laying waste to all opposition before him. His first task, naturally, was to commission the Corps to ensure that Ari's number-one talent, Vince Chase, starred in the film version of "Green Lantern.

Vince: Ari, I don't get it. Why does every girl this Kyle Rayner guy dates end up in a refrigerator?

Drama: Heyyy, check out the skirts this Hal Jordan guy chases! Sign me up!

Turtle: WHAT? My first part in a movie and I'm playing the pig-faced dude? Ari, what's all that?

Eric: Ari, I really dunno if this is right for Vince. Maybe we should think about it.

Ari Gold: Think? THINK? DON'T THINK, SIGN THE DEAL! FIRE BAD! This is not rocket science! You're making this f&*^%ng movie happen if I have to take over the entire multiverse to do it! Lloyd! LLOYD! Get the paperwork in here for this deal or I'll put you in the cage with Superboy Prime again, I swear to God!

Eric: Ari, maybe you should just slow it down and we can think of other options here.

Ari Gold (cocking power ring): Oh, I have a few options in mind, believe me....

*incinerates Eric*

Ari Gold: Anyone else got problems? No? Good. Lloyd, get me a double decaf latte and the sector assignment of that Soranik Natu chick. I want a better look at how she slings her ring. (smiles) It's good to be the boss.

Mike Carey Interview Part 2: The Sequel (This Time It's Personal)

BPD WORLD HQ - Part 2 of our exciting interview with preeminent journalist for Marvel News and the Supernatural Realms, Mike Carey. Present at this great event were: Mike (of course), Drew, Sherin and respective counsel for each party, Matt Murdock and Brandon Aiko.

NOTE: Mr. Carey expressed a concern that his 5th amendment rights not be impinged upon and insisted Mr. Murdock be involved. We, for our part, had more 'metamorphic' concerns. Identity issues, one might say.

LEGEND: Mike Carey in rust text BPD orange tag

Check out Part 1: The Prequel here

BPD: You've recently seen the release of the first of a series of 'biofics' here in the States, the 'unauthorized autobiography' (part one) of exorcist Felix Castor AKA The Devil You Know. How much of Castor's story were you allowed to use and how much was, um, "enhanced" for the book?

The real Felix Castor runs a chip shop in Walworth. But he’s a mate of Constantine’s, and after the movie and everything Constantine had a lot of friends in Hollywood. Keanu winked and tapped his nose. Deals were made. Money changed hands. This is a sordid business. How much of Castor’s story is real? He really has a sign that says ERADICATIONS. I think he got it from a pest control company because it’s also got a cartoon cockroach on it. The rest is all bollocks.


BPD: What's been happening with Castor lately? BPD hears that London is buzzing with supernatural badness these days.

It is a bit much, to be honest. You can’t spit without hitting a zombie. On the plus side, if you’re looking for some action with the sisters of Baphomet you don’t have to look very far.


BPD: Are there such things as Skrull ghosts? Can they look like other ghosts? [Drew and Sherin wrestle for control of the microphone. Brandon awaits an answer with bated breath]

This guy here? He’s my legal counsel. You’re harassing me now. This is harassment.


BPD: You also cover a variety of supernaturally powered young women, under titles like: My Faith in Frankie, Crossing Midnight and Faker. What made the subjects of these pieces reveal their stories to you in such candid and delightful ways?

I put a lot of work into those assignments, and I’m kind of proud of the results. Basically I went undercover, disguised myself as a teenaged girl and went back to high school for several semesters. I won’t say it wasn’t tough – particularly the netball games and the home economics lessons – but the results were well worth it. Jessie Kidby was a harder nut to crack, though. I had to give her money.


BPD: We imagine working the supernatural and superhero beats can get to be stressful at times. Taking a break from the "super" for awhile, you're also publishing "slice of life" pieces such as 'Re-Gifters' and 'Confessions Of A Blabbermouth' (with daughter and author in her own right Louise)—What's it like switching between super-street beats and human interest stories?

Human interest stuff is a little problematic because I’m not actually all that interested in humans. Even now, talking to you guys, I’m practically dozing off. I was lied to on the Re-Gifters stuff. Someone told me there’d be magic involved. A cursed party favor at the very least.


BPD: We've heard tell you, Castor and Constantine get together for an, infamous, drink night once a year. When? Where? And how much fun is that!?! Who wins at mah-jongg? Who cheats?

I’ll tell you who pays for all the drinks, anyway.

On second thoughts, guess.

Constantine is a dangerous man to be around when he’s in his cups. He turned me into a newt once.

I got better.


BPD: What's next for the twin stars of Midnight Crossing, Kai and Toshi? Give us all the dirt, please?

Who knows? I don’t speak a lot of Japanese, and my phrase book was published in Norway, so I’m only about fifty per cent sure that I’ve got the story right so far. That guy Aratsu? He could be a cutlery salesman. And the line about him cutting away Toshi’s past and future may have been a mistranslation. He might have said “I’m giving you layers here to bring out the natural bounce.”


BPD: Lastly, what else is coming up for Mike Carey? The Pulitzer, or the Stan Lee Award for Distinguished Reporting?

I’m happy if I’m just getting paid. And not having my internal organs breakfasted on.


BPD: Us too Mike. Us too.

Visit Mike's blog for more (and validation this is a real interview) at http://www.mikecarey.net/.

And you can find his first Felix Castor novel here. Or if you're really anxious, and filthy rich, and/or British, visit Amazon.co.uk and get them all!

Seven Evil Ex-Boyfriends of Ramona Flowers (SEERFU) Form a Union

CANADA - Breaking news from our Senior Foreign Correspondent Kat Bittner: the Seven Evil Ex-Boyfriends of Ramona Flowers (SEERFU) have formed a non-profit association pursuant to the laws of Canada against being converted into illegal power-ups (or worse bus fare).

The provision of benefits to union members provide an eclectic range of services. The first level is focused on defensive training such as skateboard proficiency, bass battle techniques, and mystic choreography. Members also have the option of attending Vegan Academy.

By engaging in collective bargaining and with these negotiations they have been able to keep personal ratings at a level of awesome.

"The League is very organized," Lucas Lee Evil Boyfriend #2 "We'd have to be able to keep up with all the new suitors Ramona gets. The tricky part is figuring out whether she's really into them or not." However Lee declined to divulge the classified info saying it breeched union security.

When asked exactly what the union stood for, the three 'Ramona Evil Ex-Boyfriends' contacted for this article could not reach a consensus. The president of the SEERFU, Gideon was unavailable for interview, but his lawyer did e-mail this statement:

"You're my bitch now Scott. Wallace has nothing on you-"

DELETE.

Scott unceremoniously deletes Gideon's e-mail. Sherin holds Kat back from strangling his Canadian neck.

"He's more boring than Patel," Scott shrugs.

Luckily, the union is not entirely comprised of 'weak sauce' R-Flow junkies still jonesing for past the expiration date lovin'.

"Most of us has moved on except for Patel. He's still not willing to let her go and he had just one kiss. How John Hughes is that? She's a messenger for Amazon Canada with uncomfortable shoes. Don't you need comfort when you're on the move?

I mean she's not as hot as she used to be. Remember the computer chick from Weird Science? She went from hottie to heifer. That's the route Ramona's going if she doesn't lay off the Hot Pockets. Should eat more vegetarian food," relayed an Evil Ex-boyfriend under condition of anonymity.

"It's all a matter of pride," claims Knives Cho Scott's waifish ex-girlfriend. "She fights like a cow and she thinks she's so cool because she's from New York City."

Knives is currently pursuing forming a non-profit of her own, Lovers of Scott Pilgrim (LSP).

A Man Called Hawkman

Caution: This post must be read in an As-Seen-On-TV style, or if you prefer, try 1950's Television Announcer.

New, 'urban', Hawkman gets a big ass gun! Says thing like: "Affirmative bitches!" and "Seven muthafuggin' Hells!"

Fear not Shiera! He's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.

[* feminine discomfort voice*]
Note: Hawkman and Avery Brooks are both so dope the combo could get you lifted like an Amsterdam Brownie.

See original image here

Mike Carey Interview Part 1

BPD WORLD HQ - BPD was lucky enough to score an interview with ace reporter Mike Carey, who covers the X-Men beat for Marvel News and is a preeminent journalist to the Supernatural Realms. Present at this great event were: Mike (of course), Drew, Sherin and respective counsel for each party, Matt Murdock and Brandon Aiko.

NOTE: Mr. Carey expressed a concern that his 5th amendment rights not be impinged upon and insisted Mr. Murdock be involved. We, for our part, had more 'metamorphic' concerns. Identity issues, one might say.

LEGEND: Mike Carey in rust text BPD in orange tag

BPD: Mike, thanks for taking time out to chat with Bugle's Planet Daily.

Well you’re welcome. You’re very welcome. This isn’t going to take long, is it? Only that Blackbird jet takes up sixteen parking bays and I’m going to get a ticket.


BPD: It's cool. We validate. First off, and we apologize for this, but we have to ask you to prove you're not a Skrull. We wouldn't normally ask but you write 137 ongoing comics and a series of novels, plus keep an absolutely inhuman tour schedule. So, if you wouldn't mind putting us at ease...? [Sherin holds up a note that says: Brandon is making us ask]

Nope. Sorry. Mister Murdock says that’s an infringement of my could-be-human-could-be-not rights.


BPD: Covering the X-Men beat for Marvel News can't be easy. What's an average day like on the job for you?

There’s no such thing as an average day with the X-Men, Sherin. I mean, it was okay when they were based at the mansion, but when they moved to that flying oil tanker thing it got really difficult. I mean, seventeen miles of corridor and they only put in one men’s room? And there’s no wireless network, so how am I supposed to send in copy? Smoke signals?

Then the teleporting to India was kind of a strain, because teleporting gives me a sick headache. And don’t get me started on the whole Providence thing. It was a nightmare. Look up psionic alien death machines in your professional risk insurance if you don’t believe me.


BPD: Is there one X-Man who's unusually hard to cover? We hear lots of rumors about mutants but don't get the inside story. What surprises you about the guys and gals up at Xavier's?

Well, Drew, they all present unique problems from a professional point of view. Case in point - whenever Lady Mastermind is in the room she makes everyone see me as wearing a tutu and a diving helmet, so nobody takes me all that seriously up at the mansion any more. That has a cumulative effect. I’m trying to take an interview, everyone’s giggling at me. Not good, you know? But Sabretooth was probably the most problematic. He threatened to eat my intestines last week. And I need my intestines for metabolising food and stuff. I hate to speak ill of anybody, but I hope Wolverine cuts him into a string of paper dolls.


BPD: Do you ever feel your life is in danger, following the X-Men as they battle Marauders, Sentinels, et al?

Oh no, I’m absolutely fine with that stuff. I love it. That was me being sarcastic, in case it didn’t come across. I have a press badge. You see my press badge? I wear it right there, on my lapel. And nobody could possibly mistake this tweed suit for spandex, so I think when Vertigo cut loose on me in that Caldecott County thing she did it on purpose. I was still praying to the porcelain gods six hours later.


BPD: You used to cover the occult underground beat for The Vertigo Group. What's John Constantine really like?

A lovely bloke – full of the milk of human kindness. That was more sarcasm. He’s a snarky little bugger and he deliberately misleads me with ‘exclusives’ about things that never happened. Then when he does go down to Hell and confront the First of the Fallen, do I get an interview? Not a chance. I’m the one who ends up stuck in limbo asking poltergeists for directions to the nearest exit.


BPD: Are you sure you're not a Skrull? Is Wolverine a Skrull? How many teams can one man be a member of, after all? He's a Skrull right?

Yeah, sure, whatever. He’s a Skrull. I’m a Skrull. We’re all Skrulls. Yada yada yada. I bet a Skrull would get more respect.


BPD: Do you have any Lucifer anecdotes you feel like sharing? How far did your walk/research on the 'dark side' take you? And do you really have to sign your contract in blood to work the Infernal beat? Can Skrulls sign blood contracts?

Will you back off on the Skrull stuff? Please?

[Sherin hits Drew with a resounding BAP!]

I’m not allowed to talk about the Lucifer deal. There are initiation rites, yes, and they do involve goats and virgins. Well, goats that happen to be virgins. Mostly.


Look for Part 2: The Sequel (This Time It's Personal) on Friday!

Visit Mike's blog for more (and validation this is a real interview) at http://www.mikecarey.net/.

GL Corps Arrests Watcher for Voyeurism

"Cosmic Peeping Tom!" Accuses Guy Gardner

OA - Green Lantern Corps members stormed the Blue Area of the Moon yesterday and took Uatu (aka, "the Watcher") into custody; he will be charged with mass violations of privacy. Speaking for the Corps, Salaak said, "We've had the Watcher under surveillance for some time now. Thousands of sentient-hours went into this case and we're proud of the result."The Corps alleges that Uatu has been essentially a "cosmic peeping tom" who peered under the clothes and into the windows of every world in the multiverse. The Corps alleges that Uatu, under the guise of his charge to observe was, in fact the worst kind of galactic predator.

The Corps' detractors charge that the high profile move against the Watcher was only an effort to drum up good press in a bad time and distract critics. The allegation would not be far-fetched if the Corps did not have crisis-level challenges. Problems have only multiplied for the ringslinging agents of the Guardians of the Universe.

Recently, the Green Lantern Corps has suffered massive fatalities after attacks by rival Sinestro Corps, who spread fear using yellow power rings. Members of this Corps reportedly include some of the most terrible and evil beings known to exist. Also, rumors persist of pink power rings in use by a "Star Sapphire Corps," which may or may not be a further complication to the emerald lawmen.

Countering those claims, veteran GL and honor guardsman Guy Gardner said, "This big-headed freak was getting his jollies peeping into the bathrooms and bedrooms of everybody. He's been doing it for years! Am I the only one totally creeped out by that? Didn't think so! We either take space-law seriously or we pack it in and turn off the big green lantern on Oa.

"Thanks to us he ain't 'watching' anymore. Besides, he's not as tough as the Sinestro Corps."

Uatu is seeking new legal representation following the sudden demise of his attorney, Harvey "I'll Take the Case!" Birdman.

Uatu the Watcher copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved
Guy Gardner, Green Lantern Corps and Sinestro Corps copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Mwah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Mike Carey, Stardust and Some Guy Named Bailey

BPD HEADQUARTERS - It's been a really good couple of weeks for BPD. First off, we'll be presenting a two part Mike Carey interview this week. Thanks to our tireless reporting Mike actually admits all the folks he writes about are real. Goodbye tabloid status!

You don't believe us do you? Honest. Check out these comments on Mike's very own blog for validation. Go ahead, page 3, second comment... We've been doing the happy dance-conga line all around the office.

In case you're wondering; Mike Carey is one of those truly great people you meet and have to tell everyone about. Thanks Mike!

Look for our interview hi-jinks on Wednesday and Friday.

Secondly, a few of us went to a screening of Stardust last Thursday. (Many thanks to Brent and Nexus Society) We had the pleasure of taking our good friend Matt Bailey, of The Truth Is Out Where?, along. Next thing you know Bailey had written this snazzy little review. Badda Bing Badda Boom Neil Gaiman links to it from his online journal! To paraphrase Prince: jealousy's too weak to define just what that means to me.

Now where'd I put Doc Sampson's business card? Ahhh, got it. See ya!

"Death's Kind Of Alright" Says Ted Kord

SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS - Ted Kord, former head of Kord Industries and former Justice Leaguer, stopped by Dr. Fate's Salem headquarters for a brief visit and shared with The Bugle's Planet a bit about his time in the after-life.

"Look at these abs! I'm ripped up here," exclaimed Ted Kord, the former Blue Beetle.

"Seriously, I haven't had to do a sit-up in what feels like an eternity! Kyle Rayner's girlfriend, Alex, came by yesterday and did her laundry on my stomach. It was kinda cool.

"I mean, it's been great. I re-invent the wheel, like, twice a day up here. There's no pain. No hunger and between you and me... you can totally not poop if you don't want to."

When asked about the thing that surprised him most about life after death, his answer was surprising.

"Geez... it's... well... just how many of my friends have started to join me.

"Animal Man visited for like half-a-second a few weeks back."

"Rocket Red. Ralph & Sue. I mean, it's nice to be able to hang out with them again and all but... I mean, I'm not ungrateful, I appreciate all of the newfound respect I've gotten after being shot in the head but that isn't what I'd want for them.

"I mean, you shouldn't have to die in order to get noticed. Does that make any sense?

"Listen, I've gotta go. It's Trivia Night at the ice cream shop and Jade's hosting and *heh* she's kinda cute. That Kyle guy is, like... Heaven's main supplier of hot chicks.

"I heard his mom just got here."

"...And Then I Woke Up Chinese" *Dun Dun Duhhh* Lex Luthor Unleashes the MinoriBeam!

Caution: This post must be read in an As-Seen-On-TV style, or if you prefer, try 1950's Television Announcer.
*







Lex! Luthor! Unleashes The, unbeatable, MinoriBeam®! Alabaster Folks Git Scarit!

Angry over lack of support for his new blackness, Lex Luthor created the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam. Experience the slings and arrows of melanin enriched life! Lex Luthor says now!

*





You didn't know? You better ask somebody. Super—heroes and villains, everywhere are turning up colored: Lois Lane, The Punisher, Kingpin, Catwoman, Superboy-Prime prime prime prime.

Prime says "..And then I woke up Chinese." Vixen says "You're not Chinese. You're Japanese." It doesn't matter! He's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.

Luthor calls it wicked, wacky fun! Booster Gold turns up Indian. Can't stop singing and dancing. Takes tech-support calls during battle! He's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.

But wait! No one is safe. Even those who check 'other' on government forms are being affected. During a tussle with Superboy-Prime, Vixen, of the JLA, caught a ricochet off his pseudo-Monitor suit. Now she's Maori or Samoan. We can't quite tell!

Storm, of the X-Men, has never 'acted black.' She now says things like 'Jive Turkey' and 'Wuzzup little bitches!'

Couldn't tell Jubilee was Asian? You can now! She's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.

Prime says "I can't stop eating Dim Sum!" Vixen says "That's sushi you idiot!" IT DOESN'T MATTER! They've been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.

[*feminine discomfort voice*]
The Minoribeam! Now in an exciting line of T-shirts!
Five Fantastic Flavors Featuring:

Black - Don't Clutch Yo' Purse Lady! I've Just Been Hit By The MinoriBeam®.

Cream - I Can't Do Your Taxes! I'm A Victim of The MinoriBeam®.

Brown - I'm Not Your Gardner! I Got Roshambo'd By The MinoriBeam®.

Red - Me No Whumpum' Squaw! It Was The MinoriBeam®.

Yellow - My Eyes No Do This Naturarree! I've Been Hit By The MinoriBeam®.

Protect yourself from arrest today!


* IMAGES LEFT TO RIGHT: Vixen, Superboy-Prime, Punisher, Lois Lane, Kingpin, Catwoman, Lex Luthor, Jubilee

SPECIAL THANKS TO: The Absorbascon and Chris's Invincible Super-Blog for the linked blog entries

This advertisement made possible by a grant from: JAMES 'Why Yes, That Is My Real Name' RAMBO and KATHERINE 'More Stylish Than Jackie-O' BITTNER

Tim Hunter and Harry Potter: Separated at Birth?

BUGLE'S PLANET HQ - Following the surprise reunion of two Ecuadoran twins separated at birth, speculation rises as to the existence of other twins who now lead separate, but parallel lives.

One such possibility, though rarely discussed by the highly partisan fans of each, are Harry Potter and Tim Hunter.

Potter biographer J.K. Rowling denies any bio-magical connections between the two teenagers. "It's absurd," she said in a recent press conference. "Harry and Tim are simply two boys with an astounding number of entirely coincidental similarities. If you wander the streets of London, they're ten a shilling, really. Simply thousands just like Harry turn up whenever I do a signing!"

Neil Gaiman, Hunter's first and perhaps best-known biographer, supports Rowling's claim. "Tim's phantasmagorical story was told to the world in terms most trepidacious and ectotherical some time before Harry's, but there's nothing to suggest that Harry adopted--via osmotic phylotransferential means or a compunctilious infelicity-- any mannerisms or what-not because of Tim. So far as I'm concerned, they are twin boys of different parents."

An additional complication is that Tim and Harry have never been seen together, even though they both live in or near London. Some sorcery experts believe that they may, in fact, be the same person albeit from parallel worlds, though both Gaiman and Rowling reject this hypothesis out of hand.

"How could you prove such an inelliptic and blatantly counterintuitive assertion short of a DNA test? It smacks of Procrustean thus-and-so, if you ask me," Gaiman said. Rowling agreed. "I've only known Harry to be a resident of this world. Tim's the one who goes gallivanting off to Faerie and has Titania for a mother."

Neither Harry nor Tim agreed to an interview for this article, but Harry was heard to say in the Gryffindor dorm, "Please, I'm a jock! I play Quidditch and maintain a solid B- grade point average here at Hogwarts. Tim's the one hanging with those shady East End conjurors like Constantine and flunking out of school. I don't choose to judge a bloke by the company he keeps but... please. You wouldn't see me in Diagon Alley drinking pumpkin juice with any of them. And besides, I have a much better arch-nemesis." (BPD thanks N.L. for providing quotes.)

BREAKING NEWS!
An intrepid BPD reporter broke the following just this evening:

"When asked to respond, Hunter quipped: "Pumpkin juice...why the ^%*& would I want drink pumpkin juice? Hey, I've got to go... got a pub crawl planned with Constantine, Zee, Molly and a few other blokes. We're going to try to hit up the same 10 pubs in all 52 universes. After that, maybe I'll head back to Faerie and stir up things all over again."

"Hunter finished by mentioning that if he ever did find the universe in which the clone named Potter had squirreled himself away, he would go and take care of that 'annoying sounding git' troubling Potter. "No one messes with me or any version of me that might exist out there in the multiverse."

"With that, Hunter wandered off muttering something about someone named "the other." It was not until he had left that this reporter realized that Hunter had left without paying his bill."

Thanks to WTDG for this late-breaking news!

Harry Potter artwork by Mary GrandPre, copyright Scholastic Inc., all rights reserved
Tim Hunter artwork by John Bolton, copyright Vertigo/DC Comics Inc., all rights reserved

Legal Analysis: She-Hulk Alleges Stark Causes Impotency

Unlike other STDs, Stark disease changes skin color from green.
Brandon Keith Hallmark

NEW YORK (Bugle's-Planet) – A suit filed in the Federal District Court of New York against S.H.I.E.L.D. director Tony Stark was allowed to continue today after Walters' claims that Stark knowingly infected her with a virus after a sexual tryst. The complaint goes on to claim the virus has caused Walters to suffer from “super-impotency.”

According to Walter's claim, on an afternoon with Stark on the SHIELD Hellicarrier, a conversation caused Walters to "fling [with] Stark, the eventual outcome of which was the infection of Ms. Walters and the resultant loss of Ms. Walters' powers."

Walters' claim is based on laws developed in the 1980 and 1990s at the height of the AIDS epidemic to prevent and punish those who would knowingly or recklessly endanger their partners by exposing them to a life-threatening virus.

Counsel for Stark however moved quickly to question Walters' character. “I think the Court will have a tremendously difficult time buying Ms. Walters' case. Ms. Walters has a well-known reputation for sleeping around,” said Stark counsel Mallory Book. “Who’s to say this isn’t some virus she caught sleeping with the Juggernaut?”

“I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THE JUGGERNAUT!!!!” Walters bellowed from the background.

While federal rape shield laws protect sexual assault victims from character assassination in criminal rape cases, it is not clear if Walters will do so in a this civil matter. Still, Walters – a former member of the law firm Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway before leaving to join Stark’s HULKBUSTER unit– intends to move forward.

An amended complaint, filed by Walters this week, lays out further grievances. The complaint alleges that Stark also assaulted Walters' cousin, Bruce Banner, forcing Banner to ride “[Stark’s] big, red rocket” until it “blew up in Banner’s space.”

Walters seeks damages of over $5 million, including pain and suffering relating to her recovery, as well as an undetermined sum for Banner. Walters’ doctors revealed on Wednesday that Walters has since overcome her super-impotency after alternative treatment.

Stark, a keen businessman, has used the media attention to focus attention on Stark Enterprises recent acquisition of Church & Dwight Co., Inc., the manufacturer of Trojan Condoms. “Now, you too can be an Iron Man in bed,” quips a new ad slogan.

Walters' Amended Complaint now seeks the development of an Iron Codpiece attachment to Stark’s Iron Man suit to prevent Stark from infecting future partners. “I already have an iron piece, thank you,” commented Stark before being shooed away by Book.

Given the seriousness of the evidence brought by Walters, a criminal investigation has been opened by the Justice Department and is ongoing. When asked to comment about a rumored pardon, an exasperated Dana Perino, spokeswoman for President Bush, quickly mentioned that the administration does not comment on ongoing criminal investigations unless that person works for the Vice President.

“In regards to Ms. Walters' civil suit, however, we believe the evidence presented will prove the girth of Mr. Stark’s…character. And there will be rapid movement to thrust this issue forward and cause an undeniable climax,” said Perino on her way to the Sexual Health and Prevention Center at the Whitman-Walker Clinic.

Brandon Keith Hallmark is an Of Counsel at Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway and a Legal Analyst for the Bugle-Planet Daily.

Superhero Dust-up On Springer

CHICAGO - A routine episode of 'The Jerry Springer Show" erupted into unroutine super violence as the usually collected superheroine Black Canary, of the Justice League of America, traded blows (plus sonic cries and bowshafts) with the mysterious assassin Shado. At the center of the confrontation? A paternity test naming former Justice Leaguer Green Arrow as the father of Shado's illegitimate son.

"I was blindsided!" exclaimed Black Canary after the tapping. "I thought we—GA and I—were here to talk about our engagement. Then she pops out of nowhere saying GA's the father of her kid. I don't know what kind of show Mr. Springer is running, but no one wants to put their personal business on national television."

Green Arrow, known for his many impromptu speeches and public outcries, was uncharacteristically silent after Shado's announcement. "After Shado implied Black Canary was sterile, I knew it was on. Best to just back away and let the ladies work out their aggressions." GA managed to get Springer and the security team away from the stage before anyone was hurt in the brawl.

Lashonqua Dinkins was in the audience when the brawl took place. "That first lady, she was a'ight. But that skinny b*tch with the bent stick, was all like, 'He need me, we understand each uver,' and that when the first lady was fi' to blow."

Black Canary apologized after the incident and the JLA paid for the damage done to the studio. "I did not appreciate the producers' methods, but I lost my temper. We all have to take responsibility for our actions. I should have just left, but that b*tch was asking for it."

Springer was unfazed by the whole altercation. "People are people, not what they choose to wear. In any given situation, most people are likely to react impulsively, and well, that's what makes the show. Besides, " Springer gave a slight grin, "we get so many people claiming Green Arrow's their baby's father, we had to have him on the show."

American Virgin Gets New Religion

BREAKING NEWS - In a late afternoon press conference: Adam Chamberlain, "neo-Christian-rock" star of the hit series American Virgin, announced he has founded a new religion. The young Televangelist—and leader of the 'Save Yourself to Save Yourself' movement—says the epiphany came while in his bedroom, pondering a bulk sized bottle of Jergens.

"I realized I was going about this all wrong!" said an amped Chamberlain. "It's not about denying temptation. You accept it. Plumb the depths of depravity! When you're old—like 35 or some sh!t—they'll be plenty of time to get [yourself] right with the Lord. I mean, what else are you gonna do then," he shrugged.

When asked to break it down he jumped up on the table, gesticulating wildly "How can a man know the true glory of his faith if he hasn't stuck his face between two ripe, full breasts and yelled 'boggety-boggety-boggety' while violently shaking his head? I'll tell you. He can't."

"Tryitism teaches only one real tenet: Try it. See if you like it. Try it again...but this time with somebody different."

Based upon the precept 'the conversion of one evil soul out weights those of a hundred righteous men' Chamberlain contends he's offering the Forces Of Heaven a major coup. "Think about it. A bunch of us are gonna do sick amounts of dirt and then return to the fold. That's like fifty-eleven thousands extra points for God right there."

As for members of the 'Save Yourself' movement, Chamberlain has already returned their celibacy vouchers. He urges them to become Tryitists.

After taking a moment to survey the rapidly filling room, a wolfish grin appeared on his face. (Calling the scene a 'melee of of hedonistic teens' would not be an understatement)

"Yo! Who wants some!?!" he yelled before executing a stage-dive flip and disappearing into the crowd. A battle cry that sounded something like: 'Boggety! Boggety! Boggety!' reverberated off the walls and then, my friends, it was on!

EDITOR'S NOTE: BPD has elected not to print the photographs taken at the Chamberlain Press Conference. Even we have more taste than that.

In Other News: Katie Holmes is expected to convert to Tryitism

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Power Girl Disproves Doubters, Actually Can Cross Arms

"C'mon," Says Blogger, "Weren't You Wondering a Little?"

JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA HQ - Power Girl showed doubters and naysayers that, absolutely and without question, she is capable of folding her arms across her chest. This followed a punishing cyber-campaign that openly doubted whether the busty superheroine was, in fact, capable of such a feat.

"I know they're the subject of jokes," she said, "but I've gotten used to being well-endowed. If crossing my arms will shut up some of the nastier elements in cyberspace and give the JSA webmaster a break from spam, well, I can do that much." Heard muttering under her breath a moment later, she said, "You think Superman ever has to deal with this &#*@?"

"Never thought she'd actually do it, I mean, I'm totally ROFL!" crowed blogger SkeezyBoy7 ;], "The frackin' blogosophere rules all Superheroes and they will bend to our whims!" Asked if this wasn't a ridiculous use of the Internet, SkeezyBoy7 responded, "WTF!? you know you wanted to see this as much as I did! Now we turn our attention to Starfire and She-Hulk... ;D...Live long and prosper."

"I don't understand that mindset," Power Girl said later. "I mean, are these basement dwelling troglodytes really that fascinated by... ah, skip it. We all know the answer to that." She shook her head in evident disgust. "Pathetic."

SkeezyBoy7 had no further comment but the image has become one of the most-downloaded on the web. BPD has been informed by police that the subsequent trashing of his home, beginning with a cement truck falling on it, was purely coincidental.

Power Girl artwork by Alex Ross and Michael Turner, copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

BPD: Greatest Hits?

It's gut-check time. The Bugle's Planet Daily wants to know which quotes are your favorites.

What? No we're not lazy. Huh? Nah uh! Well...c'mon and help us out anyway...Please?
Multiple Choices Enabled

	Wonder Woman: "Save sanity, Save the world"
	The Joker: ...I threaten her with a blowtorch and Jokerfish...she threatens me with a howitzer and a nitroglycerin-filled boxing glove
	The Chipster suddenly remembered he could be elsewhere putting his "bros" before his "hoes."
	Re Wolverine: If it's not your perennial slap fight partner Sabretooth making you look silly, you're getting chumped out by your own son, Daken.
	...Batman sponsors a little league team, Superman is as feared by citizens as he is by criminals and Green Arrow is celibate. Brave new world, indeed.
	Namor on comparisons to Black Adam: "The difference is in the bearing...I display better form whilst hovering above my lessers."
	Red Arrow: "Haven't you been reading our comic? We don't fight villains."
	Lex Luthor: “I am indeed a black man...Take note of the baldhead, incredible physique, broad shoulders and full lips. What else would I be?”
	Regarding Mr Fantastic: XXX film producers...have dreamt of the myriad possibilities presented by his unique power to stretch his body.
	Mephisto: "What's next, God forecloses on my corner of Hell?"
	Catman: "You haven't seen good TV until you've watched a 300lb lioness run down a chunky kid from Detroit."
	Big Mike: "Are all my fans pansies?"
	Re A Cap Sighting: "Maggie Davis asked him if he wasn't dead, which I thought was real rude of her,"
	Vice President Dick Cheney: "Uunghhh..."
	Emma Frost (a name as reputable in the business world as it is in fashion circles – that is to say, roughly bottom of the barrel)
	Johnny Storm: "“What? No! No...They got it wrong. The ‘Flame On!’ comes from my power. I’m a flamer.”
	Namor: "The world may think that being stretchy and limp is a superpower, but that's because they haven't talked to the man's wife."
	The Dark Knight Regarding All Star Batman and Robin: "B--ch says I f-----g swear at motherlovin' kids,”
	Spiderman: "I liked it, except for when I got turned into a vampire,"
	It's Not Incest. It's Italian!
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