That would the symbol for the conjoined version of Mal Duncan and Firestorm after the Zeta Beam accident...
PLAYBOY GROTTO - Across the universe—and especially Hollywood—no name inspires fear more than Ari Gold, Powerhouse Agent. Oppressing assistants, backstabbing friends, turning a hug into a feared symbol of alpha-male dominance; Ari Gold [of the hit reality series Entourage] inspires sheer terror in all those who come across him.
BPD WORLD HQ - Part 2 of our exciting interview with preeminent journalist for Marvel News and the Supernatural Realms, Mike Carey. Present at this great event were: Mike (of course), Drew, Sherin and respective counsel for each party, Matt Murdock and Brandon Aiko.
CANADA - Breaking news from our Senior Foreign Correspondent Kat Bittner: the Seven Evil Ex-Boyfriends of Ramona Flowers (SEERFU) have formed a non-profit association pursuant to the laws of Canada against being converted into illegal power-ups (or worse bus fare).
The provision of benefits to union members provide an eclectic range of services. The first level is focused on defensive training such as skateboard proficiency, bass battle techniques, and mystic choreography. Members also have the option of attending Vegan Academy.
By engaging in collective bargaining and with these negotiations they have been able to keep personal ratings at a level of awesome.
"The League is very organized," Lucas Lee Evil Boyfriend #2 "We'd have to be able to keep up with all the new suitors Ramona gets. The tricky part is figuring out whether she's really into them or not." However Lee declined to divulge the classified info saying it breeched union security.
When asked exactly what the union stood for, the three 'Ramona Evil Ex-Boyfriends' contacted for this article could not reach a consensus. The president of the SEERFU, Gideon was unavailable for interview, but his lawyer did e-mail this statement:
"You're my bitch now Scott. Wallace has nothing on you-"
Scott unceremoniously deletes Gideon's e-mail. Sherin holds Kat back from strangling his Canadian neck.
"He's more boring than Patel," Scott shrugs.
Luckily, the union is not entirely comprised of 'weak sauce' R-Flow junkies still jonesing for past the expiration date lovin'.
"Most of us has moved on except for Patel. He's still not willing to let her go and he had just one kiss. How John Hughes is that? She's a messenger for Amazon Canada with uncomfortable shoes. Don't you need comfort when you're on the move?
I mean she's not as hot as she used to be. Remember the computer chick from Weird Science? She went from hottie to heifer. That's the route Ramona's going if she doesn't lay off the Hot Pockets. Should eat more vegetarian food," relayed an Evil Ex-boyfriend under condition of anonymity.
"It's all a matter of pride," claims Knives Cho Scott's waifish ex-girlfriend. "She fights like a cow and she thinks she's so cool because she's from New York City."
Knives is currently pursuing forming a non-profit of her own, Lovers of Scott Pilgrim (LSP).
By Kat at 9:45 AM
Caution: This post must be read in an As-Seen-On-TV style, or if you prefer, try 1950's Television Announcer.
New, 'urban', Hawkman gets a big ass gun! Says thing like: "Affirmative bitches!" and "Seven muthafuggin' Hells!"
Fear not Shiera! He's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.
[* feminine discomfort voice*]
Note: Hawkman and Avery Brooks are both so dope the combo could get you lifted like an Amsterdam Brownie.
See original image here
BPD WORLD HQ - BPD was lucky enough to score an interview with ace reporter Mike Carey, who covers the X-Men beat for Marvel News and is a preeminent journalist to the Supernatural Realms. Present at this great event were: Mike (of course), Drew, Sherin and respective counsel for each party, Matt Murdock and Brandon Aiko.
By Sherin at 9:35 AM
The Corps' detractors charge that the high profile move against the Watcher was only an effort to drum up good press in a bad time and distract critics. The allegation would not be far-fetched if the Corps did not have crisis-level challenges. Problems have only multiplied for the ringslinging agents of the Guardians of the Universe.
Recently, the Green Lantern Corps has suffered massive fatalities after attacks by rival Sinestro Corps, who spread fear using yellow power rings. Members of this Corps reportedly include some of the most terrible and evil beings known to exist. Also, rumors persist of pink power rings in use by a "Star Sapphire Corps," which may or may not be a further complication to the emerald lawmen.
"Thanks to us he ain't 'watching' anymore. Besides, he's not as tough as the Sinestro Corps."
Uatu is seeking new legal representation following the sudden demise of his attorney, Harvey "I'll Take the Case!" Birdman.
Uatu the Watcher copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved
Guy Gardner, Green Lantern Corps and Sinestro Corps copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved
BPD HEADQUARTERS - It's been a really good couple of weeks for BPD. First off, we'll be presenting a two part Mike Carey interview this week. Thanks to our tireless reporting Mike actually admits all the folks he writes about are real. Goodbye tabloid status!
You don't believe us do you? Honest. Check out these comments on Mike's very own blog for validation. Go ahead, page 3, second comment... We've been doing the happy dance-conga line all around the office.
In case you're wondering; Mike Carey is one of those truly great people you meet and have to tell everyone about. Thanks Mike!
Look for our interview hi-jinks on Wednesday and Friday.
Secondly, a few of us went to a screening of Stardust last Thursday. (Many thanks to Brent and Nexus Society) We had the pleasure of taking our good friend Matt Bailey, of The Truth Is Out Where?, along. Next thing you know Bailey had written this snazzy little review. Badda Bing Badda Boom Neil Gaiman links to it from his online journal! To paraphrase Prince: jealousy's too weak to define just what that means to me.
Now where'd I put Doc Sampson's business card? Ahhh, got it. See ya!
Caution: This post must be read in an As-Seen-On-TV style, or if you prefer, try 1950's Television Announcer.
Lex! Luthor! Unleashes The, unbeatable, MinoriBeam®! Alabaster Folks Git Scarit!
Angry over lack of support for his new blackness, Lex Luthor created the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam. Experience the slings and arrows of melanin enriched life! Lex Luthor says now!
You didn't know? You better ask somebody. Super—heroes and villains, everywhere are turning up colored: Lois Lane, The Punisher, Kingpin, Catwoman, Superboy-Prime prime prime prime.
Prime says "..And then I woke up Chinese." Vixen says "You're not Chinese. You're Japanese." It doesn't matter! He's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.
Luthor calls it wicked, wacky fun! Booster Gold turns up Indian. Can't stop singing and dancing. Takes tech-support calls during battle! He's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.
But wait! No one is safe. Even those who check 'other' on government forms are being affected. During a tussle with Superboy-Prime, Vixen, of the JLA, caught a ricochet off his pseudo-Monitor suit. Now she's Maori or Samoan. We can't quite tell!
Storm, of the X-Men, has never 'acted black.' She now says things like 'Jive Turkey' and 'Wuzzup little bitches!'
Couldn't tell Jubilee was Asian? You can now! She's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.
Prime says "I can't stop eating Dim Sum!" Vixen says "That's sushi you idiot!" IT DOESN'T MATTER! They've been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.
[*feminine discomfort voice*]
The Minoribeam! Now in an exciting line of T-shirts!
Five Fantastic Flavors Featuring:
Black - Don't Clutch Yo' Purse Lady! I've Just Been Hit By The MinoriBeam®.
Cream - I Can't Do Your Taxes! I'm A Victim of The MinoriBeam®.
Brown - I'm Not Your Gardner! I Got Roshambo'd By The MinoriBeam®.
Red - Me No Whumpum' Squaw! It Was The MinoriBeam®.
Yellow - My Eyes No Do This Naturarree! I've Been Hit By The MinoriBeam®.
Protect yourself from arrest today!
* IMAGES LEFT TO RIGHT: Vixen, Superboy-Prime, Punisher, Lois Lane, Kingpin, Catwoman, Lex Luthor, Jubilee
SPECIAL THANKS TO: The Absorbascon and Chris's Invincible Super-Blog for the linked blog entries
This advertisement made possible by a grant from: JAMES 'Why Yes, That Is My Real Name' RAMBO and KATHERINE 'More Stylish Than Jackie-O' BITTNER
Harry Potter artwork by Mary GrandPre, copyright Scholastic Inc., all rights reserved
Tim Hunter artwork by John Bolton, copyright Vertigo/DC Comics Inc., all rights reserved
Unlike other STDs, Stark disease changes skin color from green.
Brandon Keith Hallmark
NEW YORK (Bugle's-Planet) – A suit filed in the Federal District Court of New York against S.H.I.E.L.D. director Tony Stark was allowed to continue today after Walters' claims that Stark knowingly infected her with a virus after a sexual tryst. The complaint goes on to claim the virus has caused Walters to suffer from “super-impotency.”
According to Walter's claim, on an afternoon with Stark on the SHIELD Hellicarrier, a conversation caused Walters to "fling [with] Stark, the eventual outcome of which was the infection of Ms. Walters and the resultant loss of Ms. Walters' powers."
Walters' claim is based on laws developed in the 1980 and 1990s at the height of the AIDS epidemic to prevent and punish those who would knowingly or recklessly endanger their partners by exposing them to a life-threatening virus.
Counsel for Stark however moved quickly to question Walters' character. “I think the Court will have a tremendously difficult time buying Ms. Walters' case. Ms. Walters has a well-known reputation for sleeping around,” said Stark counsel Mallory Book. “Who’s to say this isn’t some virus she caught sleeping with the Juggernaut?”
“I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THE JUGGERNAUT!!!!” Walters bellowed from the background.
While federal rape shield laws protect sexual assault victims from character assassination in criminal rape cases, it is not clear if Walters will do so in a this civil matter. Still, Walters – a former member of the law firm Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway before leaving to join Stark’s HULKBUSTER unit– intends to move forward.
An amended complaint, filed by Walters this week, lays out further grievances. The complaint alleges that Stark also assaulted Walters' cousin, Bruce Banner, forcing Banner to ride “[Stark’s] big, red rocket” until it “blew up in Banner’s space.”
Walters seeks damages of over $5 million, including pain and suffering relating to her recovery, as well as an undetermined sum for Banner. Walters’ doctors revealed on Wednesday that Walters has since overcome her super-impotency after alternative treatment.
Stark, a keen businessman, has used the media attention to focus attention on Stark Enterprises recent acquisition of Church & Dwight Co., Inc., the manufacturer of Trojan Condoms. “Now, you too can be an Iron Man in bed,” quips a new ad slogan.
Walters' Amended Complaint now seeks the development of an Iron Codpiece attachment to Stark’s Iron Man suit to prevent Stark from infecting future partners. “I already have an iron piece, thank you,” commented Stark before being shooed away by Book.
Given the seriousness of the evidence brought by Walters, a criminal investigation has been opened by the Justice Department and is ongoing. When asked to comment about a rumored pardon, an exasperated Dana Perino, spokeswoman for President Bush, quickly mentioned that the administration does not comment on ongoing criminal investigations unless that person works for the Vice President.
“In regards to Ms. Walters' civil suit, however, we believe the evidence presented will prove the girth of Mr. Stark’s…character. And there will be rapid movement to thrust this issue forward and cause an undeniable climax,” said Perino on her way to the Sexual Health and Prevention Center at the Whitman-Walker Clinic.
Brandon Keith Hallmark is an Of Counsel at Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway and a Legal Analyst for the Bugle-Planet Daily.
BREAKING NEWS - In a late afternoon press conference: Adam Chamberlain, "neo-Christian-rock" star of the hit series American Virgin, announced he has founded a new religion. The young Televangelist—and leader of the 'Save Yourself to Save Yourself' movement—says the epiphany came while in his bedroom, pondering a bulk sized bottle of Jergens.
"I realized I was going about this all wrong!" said an amped Chamberlain. "It's not about denying temptation. You accept it. Plumb the depths of depravity! When you're old—like 35 or some sh!t—they'll be plenty of time to get [yourself] right with the Lord. I mean, what else are you gonna do then," he shrugged.
When asked to break it down he jumped up on the table, gesticulating wildly "How can a man know the true glory of his faith if he hasn't stuck his face between two ripe, full breasts and yelled 'boggety-boggety-boggety' while violently shaking his head? I'll tell you. He can't."
"Tryitism teaches only one real tenet: Try it. See if you like it. Try it again...but this time with somebody different."
Based upon the precept 'the conversion of one evil soul out weights those of a hundred righteous men' Chamberlain contends he's offering the Forces Of Heaven a major coup. "Think about it. A bunch of us are gonna do sick amounts of dirt and then return to the fold. That's like fifty-eleven thousands extra points for God right there."
As for members of the 'Save Yourself' movement, Chamberlain has already returned their celibacy vouchers. He urges them to become Tryitists.After taking a moment to survey the rapidly filling room, a wolfish grin appeared on his face. (Calling the scene a 'melee of of hedonistic teens' would not be an understatement)
SkeezyBoy7 had no further comment but the image has become one of the most-downloaded on the web. BPD has been informed by police that the subsequent trashing of his home, beginning with a cement truck falling on it, was purely coincidental.
Power Girl artwork by Alex Ross and Michael Turner, copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved
I'm hearing strange rumblings late at night beneath my Gotham brownstone. Do you think I should invest in earthquake insurance or is my home built on top of the Batcave?
I've checked your foundation and basement. It appears that there was some supervillain activity recently--drilling into a bank two blocks from your address, which I have forwarded to the GCPD for further investigation.
I have also forwarded the IRS evidence that you are withholding a considerable sum of money, which is stashed in a fireproof box behind your freezer. You should have filed an amended return when you got that windfall last October. Do not try to hide the evidence--I have taken some effort to secure the crime scene until investigators arrive and confirm the box's contents.
If anything were to happen to that evidence, rest assured I have Batman's email address.
Earthquake insurance might be unwarranted at this time but that might be the least of your problems...
Dear Mr. Question,
Is corruption in Hub City really as bad as they say?
I worry about things like that and I'm only 12!
-A Young Citizen
I find it highly suspicious that a 12 year old would worry about political corruption in Hub City.
Upon investigating further, I find that you are in fact 13, a child genius and enrolled in a course of graduate level political science studies in Hub City. Perhaps you ask your question only because you want a response from an extralegal operative such as myself, perhaps you wish to elicit some words against the current regime. Perhaps you are truly concerned.
Crime is crime, wherever it is found, on the streets or in City Hall. Continue with your studies and know that I'll be keeping an eye on you. And you're old enough to sleep without a nightlight.
Dear "the Question",
Is my husband cheating on me?
-A Restless Housewife
No. But you should stop visiting a certain website. You know the one I mean.
Do YOU have something to "Ask The Question"? Send in your queries by posting a comment! We can't guarantee the Question will reply, um, as you might prefer, but... what do you have to lose?
Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved