Bugle's Planet Daily: 08/01/2007

[Photo]Funny is what it is.

NEW YORK (BPD) Flash-in-the-Pan Entertainment announced its latest celebrity boxing event in a colorful press conference on Monday. Rick Jones, former sidekick to the Hulk, Captain America and Captain Marvel I, faces off against former Justice League of America sidekick Snapper Carr. The event undercard features former Green Lantern sidekick, Thomas "Pieface" Kalmaku versus Dr. Stephen Strange's manservant, Wong.

Billed primarily as a charity event, organizers downplayed rumors of mob involvement in their business operation and gambling connected with the event itself. The fight will be held over Thanksgiving Weekend in Las Vegas. Introducing the competitors, Flash-in-the-Pan managing executive Jim Dewey stressed ties to religious organizations.

"My partners and I have always said that we're in this business to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Our associates in the religious community are invaluable in facilitating our ability to translate that desire into action. And they're excited about the event just as much as we are."

Dewey's minority partner Frank Cheetam echoed the his statement. ""We're looking forward to seeing some heads get busted. That Snapper boy is going to get his thumbs broken. You know Rick Jones used to hang out with the Hulk?"

Competitors were somewhat less spirited but earnest in their desire to lend their fame to the charitable event. "Cap always said that you have to stand up for something." said Rick Jones, who will also be singing the national anthem. Snapper Carr, snapping his fingers throughout the press conference said, "Hey, cool guys! I'm not a square, can you dig it?"

But rumors continue to swirl amids reports of business improprieties connected to the office of In-the-Pan CFO, William F. Howe. Howe, who was conspicuously absent from the press conference, has been unavailable for comment on matters concerning financial impropriety. Howe is also rumored to be working back doors on Wall Street in an effort to conclude a merger.

More on this story as events develop.

The Maiden and the Monster!

BPD WORLD HQ - One is tall, redheaded and voluptuous, with muscles strong enough to shatter bricks. The other is scrawny, with shaggy black hair, a maniacal grin and a torn-open belly full of magic green bile. Oh, and he's undead to boot.

Heroine and villain, they couldn't have less in common. And yet--could it be they're related?

It appears to be true.

BPD has learned that Caitlin Fairchild (of teen supergroup Gen13) and Ernest "Evil Ernie" Fairchild (undead homicidal maniac and purveyor of "Mega-Death" on behalf of Lady Death) are cousins!

"I remember him," Caitlin admitted during a recent interview with WildStorm World News. "We visited his family when I was little-- I was probably nine and he would've been, oh, ten or eleven. He was kind of quiet, and his room had lots of religious stuff in it, probably 'cause his dad was a minister. That's the only time we ever saw them. I heard he got into some trouble back in New Jersey but I've been kind of busy with stuff on my own, you know? Lots of stuff. Continuity problems you wouldn't believe."

Chaos!, the underground prozine which has followed Evil Ernie and his spectral benefactress, had no statement for BPD and didn't return our calls. After the collapse of "Mega-Death" and Ernie's subsequent escape into hiding, Chaos! temporarily severed all ties with the undead mass murderer, though there are informal reports that the magazine may once again chronicle his doings.

BPD will stay on this story as it develops.

BPD is happy to present articles from Daniel Palacio, winner of the BPD GUEST SHOT! Contest; and Gyuss Baaltar, the runner-up. The contest was an open call for submissions and we're blown away by the results.

Daniel and Gyuss did a great job! But now it's up to you, the readers. What do you think of our rookie meta-journalists?

Let us know! We'd like to hear from you and we're sure they'd love the feedback.

To Daniel and Gyuss we thank you for making our first contest a success. Cheers Guys!

Signed, The BPD Editors and Staff

By Guest Correspondent
Daniel Palacio

BPD GUEST SHOT! WINNER

NEW YORK, NY – (Westchester County) Newly-hired WWOR meteorologist Chip Chipperson was indefinitely removed from weather duties, on the 6 o' clock news, yesterday after a lengthy, profanity-laden diatribe on Sunday evening's newscast—where he blamed that day's freak thunderstorms on a mysterious African-American woman whom he described as having long white hair and blue eyes.

"I'm telling you, I saw it on my way to the quickie-mart," says the disgraced White Plains native. "She was a tall chick who was shouting at the heavens for lightning and thunder like she was Lady Macbeth or somethin'. She had some skunk-haired chick with her who kept calling her Storm, Stormy, or something. Sounds like a goddamn drag queen if you ask me."

The eight-minute rant started out as playful banter between Chipperson and the anchors but then turned ugly when weekend anchorwoman Trish Tilby tried to segue into the next segment.

"Put a sock in it, anchorslut!" he snapped. He went on denigrate this "nubian* f'ing princess" with a stream of racial insults and slanderous statements about her sexual proclivities. By the end of the segment, he had broken down into tears.

"Bitch ruined my barbecue..." he sobbed before they cut to commercial.

Oddly enough, none of the Westchester County locals remember a storm happening, except for local schoolmaster Charles Xavier, who thinks he might have heard some rain, but was too engrossed in the NASCAR races on TV to look outside.

A WWOR spokesperson said that Chipperson has agreed to attend sensitivity training classes, and may still have a job at the station upon completion.

"Honestly, this kind of stuff happens to weathermen all the time. I mean, it's not as bad as that guy in Pittsburgh who thought he was living the same day over and over again..."

* SEE ALSO: black or double chocolate almond

__________________________________________________
BIO: Daniel Palacio has written for the Daily Planet, the Astro City
Rocket, and the Springfield Shopper. They have yet to actually publish
any of these writings, but he remains ever hopeful...

By Guest Correspondent

Gyuss Baaltar

BPD GUEST SHOT! RUNNER-UP

PORTSMOUTH CITY, OR – An increase in reported cases of Retcontinence has alarmed a number of professionals representing the American Psychological Association. In the Pacific Northwest, Dr. Pieter Cross has diagnosed the dissociative disorder in 8 cases this week, seeming to confirm suspicions that the cyclical disease is again peaking among the general populace.

"This disorder is often misdiagnosed in the DSM-IV," said Dr. Cross from the free clinic he opened in the inner city of Portsmouth City. "Frequently confused with schizophrenia, Retcontinence is usually seen as a specific anxiety where the patient believes parts of their personal history has been re-shaped in some way."

Experts cannot agree on the cause or the cyclical nature of Retcontinence. Some psychiatrists attribute it to mass hysteria, noting that there seems to be a correlation between times of greater conflict in the meta-human community and the general population complaining of unfamiliarity with their own past lives.

Dr. Leonard Samson, noted psychiatrist and specialist in meta-psychology points out that Retcontinence cases also vary by geographic location, lending credence to the theory of mass hysteria. "Gotham residents for example," says Samson, "often report the same feeling that a spotlight shown into the sky brings a sense of security, though no one can point out what the spotlight would do. However, Central City residents sometimes express discomfort with their sister-city of Keystone City. Despite having friends and relatives who have lived the twin-cities all their lives, residents of one will have a phobia of crossing the border between them citing a feeling that it shouldn't be there".

Population centers exhibiting signs of Retcontinence spreading among denizens are not in any danger. Citizens usually discuss their feelings in small groups or families and realize that the delusion does not keep them from continuing in their daily lives. Individuals without support networks do fall through the cracks. Dr. Cross believes he sees more cases than most, since misdiagnoses often leads patients into life on the streets, where rules are simpler and reminders of a mis-remembered past lives are not as apparent.

Jimmy Weeks has sought treatment for his Retcontinence several times over his adult life. "Seems like ever few years, I get the shakes. Memories of the past that should be locked in are suddenly like jello and I'm not sure who I am for a few days. One time I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd fought in the Vietnam War. Smells and sounds of that jungle hellhole haunted my dreams. But my good buddy Frank Castle reminded me that we fought together in the first Gulf War, in the freakin' desert! How weird is that?"

Dr. Samson attributes Mr. Weeks faulty memory to a combination of Retcontinence and PTSD. Mr. Weeks is in full recovery and carries out his daily routine with the assistance of common anti-anxiety medications.

__________________________________________________
BIO: When not teaching people how to safely jump out of airplanes, Gyuss Baaltar likes hanging out at Big Monkey Comics and getting schooled on Golden Age mythos by Scipio. His random ideas can often be found at gyussbaaltar.blogspot.com where he enjoys a steady audience of 4 daily readers. Despite subjecting himself to a daily regimen of dangerous situations, Gyuss has not developed any meta-powers, yet.

Today the Bugle's Planet remembers Tarik Andre, who loved comics, anime, martial arts and Van Gogh—even more than his big sister. This is a celebration of what would have been his 26th birthday. I would have forgotten and called late and sung horribly; and he still would've thought I was great. But no. He was the amazing one.

This blog would've made him so proud. He'd have known exactly how to make it better and made you all laugh at exactly the moment you expected not to. (Tarik's sense of humor was omega-level)

Recently, I found one of his comics—bagged and boarded of course—and began to reminiscence on how our mother introduced us to Milestone and that Icon was his favorite. He also loved Spider-Man and the X-Men.

I guess you'd say I'm a DC and he was a MARVEL. He was truly a marvel.

So if you're missing someone this morning I ask you to share one their stories here—especially if they loved comics like we do. This way we'll build havens from joyful memories and smile through the veil. If you think you could tell.*

For my baby brother: "Dream on. Dream on. Dream until your dreams come true. Happy Birthday Tee!"

----------------
*Now playing: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Up next: Aerosmith - Dream On
via FoxyTunes

By Mutant Affairs Correspondent
Mike Carey

There’s a lot of talk about omega-level mutants, and you probably have a friend or a family member who claims to be one. Or maybe, who used to claim to be one before the mind-numbing cosmic tragedy known as the Decimation. Maybe you even suspect that your own mutation puts you in that elite and special club.

But what does “omega-level” mean? Really? Does it have something to do with fish oil, or the ability to get to the end of the Greek alphabet? Could you think you’re omega-level when really you’re stuck on level tau or upsilon or one of those other loser-ific levels on the way to the magic O. Is there a reliable, objective measurement of omega status?

Well, no, there isn’t. But our mutant affairs correspondent Mike Carey, who seems to spend most of his mornings looking out of the window and making paper clip sculptures, somehow found the time to compile this handy self-diagnosis test. Is Your Mutant Power Omega-level? Take the test and find out. A score of 36 or above wins you a part-scholarship to the prestigious Xavier Academy of Higher Learning. 31-35 gets you the recliner or the matching luggage – your choice.

Offer void in mutie-hating states, or to relatives, employees or known associates of the Trask family.

Remember to post your results!

Complete the following statement. “My mutant ability gives me absolute control over…

(a)…the raw, pulsating energies of the universe itself.”

(b) magnetism, heat, cold, gravity, light, sound, electricity, earth, air, fire, water, inertia, momentum, human consciousness or a combo of the above.”

(c) my own bodily functions, most of the time.”

(d) certain small rodents of the shrew and vole families.”

When you use your mutant power, which of the following comments is most likely to be heard in the immediate aftermath

(a) Truly this is the ending of days!

(b) I’ve - - I’ve never seen anything like it. Except at Jimmy’s house that one time when we’d all been drinking bong water.

(c) Someone’s going to clear this mess up, and it isn’t going to be me.

(d) Very good, dear. But we’re playing Mah-Jong, so please keep the noise down.

You’re face-to-face with your most powerful adversary, and he’s about to cut loose at you with some super power that will make your brain squirt out of your head like the sausage from a tightly squeezed finger roll. Do you

(a) gesture contemptuously and fling him all the way to Passaic, NJ with a telekinetic whammy?

(b) focus your power into one last, desperate burst and deflect enough of his killing blow so that you just need a band-aid and a little lie-down?

(c) say “Hey, look at that cloud, it’s shaped like a Buick” and run away while he’s looking?

(d) awaken with a new brain and a nose job, several crossovers later?

So you’ve scored with a cute chick/guy or some variation thereof, and it’s back to his/her/their/its place for some hot mutant-on-mutant action. But before you can get down to it, you have to warn your partner for this evening’s programme that…

(a) …if you lose control during sex, you may reduce the world to a pile of loose chippings.

(b) …if you lose control during sex, you may absorb the life energies of everyone for many miles around.

(c) …if you lose control during sex, the bed will probably break or catch fire and it might therefore be an idea to check whether or not it’s still in guarantee.

(d) …if you lose control during sex, you sound like Mickey Mouse for a good half hour afterwards.

A school bus full of innocent tots is about to go over a cliff, and you’re the only mutant on-site. How do you deal with the situation?

(a) Casually reach back in time to the Jurassic era and flatten the landscape with a huge mind-blast, so that in the present day there is no cliff.

(b) Temporarily annul the force of gravity.

(c) Sacrifice yourself heroically by absorbing the kinetic energy of the bus, bringing it safely to a stop even as you die an agonising death from friction burns.

(d) Telepathically notify the next-of-kin.

It’s inter-company crossover time! What’s your role?

(a) I tear reality a new orifice and put everything right again just when it seems as though everything is lost.

(b) I lead the heroes of three universes in a last-ditch, all-out battle against the Anti-Everything-Guy.

(c) I get some cool character moments about halfway through the book and a love scene with Green Lantern/Wonder Woman/Krypto.

(d) I get killed to show that the bad guys are playing for keeps.

What sound effect does your power make when it’s used?

(a) TSCHAKKKKKKKKKKKK

(b) SNIKT and/or BAMF

(c) VEEEEEEEE

(d) ping

If they ever put you into one of the X-Men movie line-ups, what music might be slotted into the soundtrack to accompany your big on-screen action moments?

(a) Mars, from the Planets Suite

(b) The Ride of the Valkyries

(c) Mack the Knife

(d) The Teddy Bears’ Picnic

What phrase best describes the way you interact with the rest of society?

(a) You find people fascinating. Some day you may decide to make some for yourself.

(b) You’re hated and feared by a world you’re sworn to protect.

(c) You’re hated and feared by some of the smaller kids on the block and by Mrs. Fruitle in number 63.

(d) You’re largely ignored, except when it’s take-out-the-trash time.

How many times have you come back from the dead

(a) Seven or more. I am fire and life incarnate, and cannot die.

(b) Just the once, but it was pretty damn dramatic.

(c) I didn’t come back, but I’m a clone of the original me from an alternate timeline.

(d) I had my appendix out once

SCORING
Award yourself four points for every A answer, three points for every B answer, two points for every C answer and one point for every D answer. You should obtain a score within the range 10-40. Interpret your scores using the grid below.

36-40
Man, you put the ohhhhhh in omega. You’re operating on a cosmic level there, friend, and you’ve got some sweet, sweet moves. Keep doing that thing you do, and watch out for any tendency to become a “dark” version of yourself. The first hints are usually radical colour changes to your costume and the extinguishing of all life on a civilised world.

27-35
You’re not quite up in the omega league yet, but nobody can deny that you’re the best there is at what you do. We’d even wager that what you do best isn’t nice. Keep up the good work, and please don’t kill us.

19-26
Hmmm. You’ve got a way to go yet, but you could still be promising Xavier Academy material if you push yourself to the limit and keep dreaming the dream. Your powers are mildly impressive, you occasionally manage to save the day against all the odds, and you can always hope for that secondary mutation to kick in. Okay, it could be tentacles, but what can you do?

10-18
Your X-gene is probably just a > gene and a < gene that got stuck together. Frankly, you’re an embarrassment. Omega level? Omega level? My friend, you’re Kandoo level. I mean who are you kidding? Your mutant power is to make your left nipple slightly luminous. Go home. Get a job. Don’t ever come here again.
Go on.

We mean it.

NEXT WEEK: exactly how dark am I?

This Pop Quiz Provided By Mike Carey, Esquire. All prize inquiries should should be directed to him care of mikecarey.net
[i.e and forthwith we don't know nuttin' bout no scholarships]

GENEVA, (BPD) - Scientists attending the World Scientific Conference on Interdimensional Theory and Mechanics presented results of a study that has determined that Alternate Universe Evil Duplicates are not as tough as their good counterparts. The study, which included anti-matter universes as well as alternate dimensions, was conducted jointly by S.T.A.R Labs, Lexcorp, Stark Enterprises, Roxxon Corporation and international experts in temporal theory and interdimensional engineering.

"For many years, the prevailing theory has been that the evil duplicates were much stronger and had greater endurance and resistance to pain but that isn't really the case," says Dr. Wolfgang Von Slagg. "Our studies indicate that the evil duplicates are merely perceived as being tougher."

His colleagues are in agreement.

"As the evil duplicates will frequently dress more provocatively with scars or other deliberate body markings or piercings this leads the casual observer to conclude a certain level of

toughness and potential belligerence," says Professor Lu Chen of S.T.A.R Labs. "When you add the factor of the evil duplicates tendencies towards ruthlessness in contrast to the more thoughtful actions of their counterparts the perception becomes even greater."

The findings of the study further indicate that it is actually the good counterparts who exhibit the greater endurance, tenacity and mental discipline that tend to define true toughness. Heroes who participated indicated overwhelming that when forcibly confronted the evil duplicates inevitably crumbled in the face of a heavy onslaught. The research validates the time honored convention of good ultimately being stronger than evil.

IMAGES: Cover to green lantern #12 by Simone Bianchi and Promotional cover art for Marvel Team-Up#22, by Phil Hester.

Picto-Link® Enabled in Orange

"Heroes battling the wrong nemeses! Villains annihilating the wrong heroes!"

OCEANIA/BPD COPY ROOM - Last night BPD's Heroclix® reenactment of 'Secret’ Wars was interrupted by a holographic transmission. Two oddly attired Heroes suddenly appeared on the Battleworld map with a dire warning from the future.

"Much as The Goracle prophesied the flaming death of sweet mother earth we come with forewarning of a far greater threat. While the everyman—not to be confused with Hannibal Bates—must conserve the earth’s life blood, the supermen have another task--“

“Get to the point Swell![!],” interjected the impatient super heroine Double Chocolate Almond Thunder—obviously a descendant of Black Lightening. “Tell them about the blood fugues, the secret identity thefts, the unmaskings in the streets! Oh the humanity! I. Can’t. Go. On.”

“Gently, good lady Thunder. I am approaching the point," said Swell!

By this time the BPD staff was alarmed but mostly confused.

“Good friends our woes began with the Bat and Arrow families. Sidekicks kept graduating and taking on new names. Their sidekicks took names, their sidekicks' kids took names and so did their nannies. Someone had to mind the babies. In the case of the Green Arrow, his bastard offspring kept showing up wanting their own colorful handles. Something had to give. Pretty soon--“

D.C.A.T could no longer contain herself “Heroes battling the wrong nemeses. Villains annihilating the wrong heroes. Publicists not knowing where to send royalty checks. Oh the horror!”

“As you can see my bond-mate is overcome," said Swell! going to Double Chocolate’s side. “The JLA tried to stop the hemorrhaging by using their real names but they were summarily stalled by The Decompressionist. It was a bad time for the supertariat. The desperation quickly led to…”

The intrepid hero shed a single tear but soldiered on.

“…The Sobriquet Wars. It’s all in a name you see. Heroes live and die by their names and when we ran out…My God!”

“In our time we’ve brokered a kind of peace.” Almond Thunder spoke succinctly for the first time regaining her composure. Using a laser-pointer and MS QuantumPoint she outlined the following:

The descendants of Captain America have named themselves after bureaucracies: Colonel DMV and General INS.

All colors have been ceded to the Arrow Family of heroes with the exception of green, which is sole property of the Lanterns.
The She-Hulk Family has gone the way of onomatopoeia: Smash, Bash, Crunch, Bam, Boom!
There's been an uprising of superlatives and screen names: Swell!, OMGIAH,* GR8_10_21_28, Optimum!, Fantabulous!, Chillax...
The Power Girls have chosen a more visual means of identification: Pancake, 34C, Chestacular, PG-Double Dee and Implant
The Silver Surfer Family has resorted to early anniversaries: Linen Surfer, Porcelain Surfer, Paper Surfer and Aluminum-Sk8r
Joker's Clan was quite clever in solving their problem: Minstrel, Knock-Knock and The Deadly Pun eliminate all who try to join their troupe.

Convinced the Bugle's Planet staff fully grasped the gravity of the situation the Chocolate sistah turned to her bond-mate.

“These solutions are but a stopgap,” iterated Swell! “It’s up to the superheroes of today to build a brighter future. Stop the blatant misuse of monikers now! [undecipherable] Jumpin’ Jehosephat! The Jokers are attacking.” [connection lost--switching to auxiliary feed]

The last thing heard before the connection went dead was *ZZZACKT* “You know, Swell! you can’t have the Thunder without the lightning! Ha-ha Haaa!”

Godspeed Swell! and Double Chocolate Almond Thunder. Godspeed.

NOTE: DC Comics is already doing their part by having heroes share names. Heroes like Wildcat, Flash, Hour Man and, of course, The Lanterns are preventing misnomers one pseudonym at a time.

*Omigod I’m A Hero!

Written by Jon Hex and Sherin Nicole
with special thanks to Mike Carey for the 'Anniversary Surfers'

Visit Beautiful Zenn-La!

ZENN-LA – A quiet and pastoral planet conveniently located in the Microverse (not to be confused with the Nanoverse), Zenn-La is a paradise for spa enthusiasts and those who really want to get away from it all! Blessed with a temperate climate and low-tech, peaceful culture, the natives of Zenn-La are so welcoming, you’ll feel like part of the family in no time.

The planet is ruled by Revka Temerlune*, a sovereign who has the hearts of his people firmly in his hand. He has ruled Zenn-La for millennia, guiding the populace with wisdom and compassion before Terran humanity discovered fire. You might expect that he is a distant figure but nothing could be further from the truth; in fact, personal audiences with him can be booked now through your travel agent!

His chief ‘searcher’ and Zenn-La’s foremost pitchman, Norrin Radd, explains: “Our ruler commands only the happiness of his people. It is a gentle place to live, with no crime, no disruption, no dissent against the cheer and good nature that each and every Zenn-Laan enjoys from cradle to grave. We daily give thanks to our leader for his benevolence, his guidance and his certainty that he knows what is best for every citizen of Zenn-La.”

Visitors to Zenn-La will enjoy the relaxing and quiet lifestyle, offering the opportunity to wash away all of one’s cares. You’ll be amazed at how quickly the past becomes unimportant. Taking part in native ceremonies adds to the sensation that you are not only a welcome arrival—you are part of Zenn-La.

Places of interest on Zenn-La include a statue dedicated to Norrin Radd and the Royal Palace. There are also extensive farmlands and villages, using quaint, old-fashioned farming technologies that our 18th century ancestors would find familiar. Although there are machines on Zenn-La of indescribable antiquity, viewing them is strictly prohibited… if one can even find them, that is.

So come to scenic, peaceful Zenn-La and forget all your worries! In a few hours, you’ll feel like you’ve lived here your whole life… and you’ll never want to leave.

BPD is proud to declare Zenn-La our DESTINATION OF THE WEEK!

For more information, contact SilverTours at 1-800-555-ZNLA.

Next Time: ...we're keeping that our little secret for now

PS, a note for all you high-tech gadgeteers and mutants: psi-blocking devices and powers are illegal on Zenn-La

A special thanks to Marvel News senior foreign correspondent Mike Carey, whose personal guided tour of Zenn-La has been unexpectedly extended. Have fun on vacation, Mike! Mike's last account of his sojourn to Zenn-La, in ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR #45, is on sale today! And if you see him in Zenn-La, tell him BPD says hi and we'll check in on or around Waking Day.

*Our article originally gave His Majesty's named incorrectly spelled; we're correcting this error and apologize to His Majesty

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Villains Find Little to Smile About in New Study

METROPOLIS -- Every sad-faced kid has been told the adage, “It takes more muscles to frown than the smile.” A recent study shows that a grin might not be as easy as was originally thought.
In fact, for some people the ability to look happy is now lost. The biggest group affected: the super villain.

“Like any bodily function, smiling requires muscle use. If a person does not regularly work those muscles, they atrophy,” says Dr. Thomas Thompson, head of Facial Expression Studies at Metropolis General Hospital. “Years of frowns, sneers, and grimaces have taken their toll on the part of our population that schemes and steals.”

According to Thompson’s study, 90% of the super villain community has lost the capacity of an ear-to-ear grin. Of the remaining 15%, nearly half can smile enough to show teeth.

“It’s a wide-reaching affliction,” says Thompson. “Almost every subject we tested showed some sign of muscle degradation.”

Reactions from the super villain community to the findings has been mixed. Some do not care, saying that the expression loss is not a huge determent.

“I’m a Korugarian despot, what do I care about smiling?” says Sinestro, who has been diagnosed with 48% loss. “I have a new army. I serve the Anti-Monitor. Just because I cannot bare my teeth with pride does not make my life any less fulfilling.”

On the other hand, some villains are very upset by the news. Speaking from his cell, Vandal Savage, who suffers from 85% loss, expressed his woes.

“I have walked this Earth since before the time of the wheel,” says Savage. “I saw Rome fall and dined with Bonaparte. Immortality has been very kind, except now I find out that it has given me more time for my facial muscles to weaken. I have spawned hundreds of children, and soon I won’t even be able to smirk when I dine on one.”

Dr. Thompson’s study also shows that this affliction is not only affecting the villain community, but some heroes have showed signs of smile loss.

“A frown is a frown whether your on the right side of the law of or not,” says Thompson. “A dour do-gooder who scorns thugs with a grimace is in danger as well.”

It has been rumored that the legendary Batman recently spent a week in Tibet getting homeopathic treatment for his smile loss.

While the Dark Knight could not be reached for comment, a certain Boy Wonder had this to say: “He really needed it. You could see through most of the 80s and almost all the 90s it was getting harder and harder for him to grin. Every year he got darker and angrier about it.”

While expensive treatments can reverse the problem, certain people propose a less costly alternative.

“It’s all about a light-hearted state of mind,” says one interviewee, who wishes to be known only as Mr. J. “We’re in the greatest business on Earth so why all the frumpy dumps, all the long faces? It doesn’t all have to be yelling and fist shaking. If you can’t laugh at a geriatric in a vat of acid, I don’t know what you can laugh at.”

Mechanicsville, VA (BPD) -- Mechanicsville city fathers announced that the city is welcoming criminal organization A.I.M. (Advanced Idea Mechanics) to its pantheon of local businesses. Representatives of the city council and chamber of commerce made the announcement on Thursday at groundbreaking ceremonies for A.I.M's new secret subterranean base. While being primarily known as criminal scientists, AI.M also has substantial guerrilla military forces with some of the most technologically advanced armored vehicles and aircraft on Earth.

"When you look at it there really isn't any other choice for us for a primary base of operations," said A.I.M's Scientist Supreme. "I mean, a blind man could appreciate the delicious irony of it all. We're laughing in those super fools faces every time we come into the office!"

The local civic and business community is upbeat about the prospects for having A.I.M in town and downplayed residents fears that the criminal enterprise will attract metahuman intervention. Representatives of the city council and chamber of commerce, who declined to be identified or comment on the record stressed the benefit to the local tax base and the potential service to unemployed A.I.M will bring.

"You've got to be crazy if you think the community is just going to let this pass," said activist Richard Thader, a local resident. "We're going to be looking for the place to stage a demonstration before the Hulk or Wolverine comes tearing the place apart, causing it to self-destruct. We know how these places operate." Thader staged a small demonstration during the ceremony, held in the town square as the location of the base is secret to all but consecrated members of A.I.M.

"Make no mistake, we mean to expose it before they go nuke on us. These places always have a nuclear reactor," said demonstrator and local housewife Peggy Smith. "My sister and her husband lived out west near a H.I.V.E base once until the Teen Titans busted in. The government told her that it would be twenty years before the whole county will be decontaminated enough for human habitation. We don't want that here in our community."

Organized following World War II by Baron Wolfgang von Strucker as an offshoot of HYDRA, A.I.M. has battled the superhero community on many occasions. Notable successes for the criminal superscientists include the creation of the original reality-bending Cosmic Cube, the power-duplicating Super-Adaptoid and the monstrous supergenius MODOK (Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing). The organization has also been linked to the new Scorpion and the Livewires.

You asked for it, you got it! Time for everyone's favorite faceless investigator to answer your queries. Let's open the mailbag and go to... The Question!

Thank you, Mr. Sage.

In further questioning, are any major superheroes really Skrulls, and, if so, can can this best be manipulated to the advantage of all mankind?

A less concerned citizen.

Dear Less Concerned-

Read the current issue of JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED. Skrulls and Dire Wraiths are not the only threat lurking among us. I dealt with a Durlan incursion just recently.

As for whether any major superheroes or villains are truly Skrulls... keep a careful eye on former Avengers and members of the Detroit-era Justice League. BPD will report any known infiltrations as well--see a recent article on the Skull Kill Krew for more.

Can this be manipulated to mankind's advantage? Definitely. There are six ways to take immediate advantage of an alien presence on our planet; however, only two of them are beneficial to mankind in general. The other four benefit the Illuminati and their myriad puppets; I leave it to you to determine who these vermin might be.

Be watchful, citizen... and turn off your light when you go to sleep. It's interfering with my listening device.

-Q

Hmm...I always thought the Latin was "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes." Perhaps a plot to retroactively alter Latin into a bastardized form and thus rob the modern world of its power. Obvious, in hindsight
The Inquiry

You are correct, that is the actual Latin quote. Mr. 9 is deliberately being sloppy. Consider the ramifications of imperfect Latin translations--law and medicine are built upon foundations of Latin terminology. If the infection is allowed to spread, the memetic framework of our civilization is in danger. Mr. 9 knows this; in fact, he is counting on it.

Kudos to you, Inquiry, for keeping all of us on the right course. And your theory is intriguing. Suggest you follow up with investigation of proximate Illuminati cells nearest your location. You know the ones I mean. ( I sense an Illuminati theme this week. Must remember to investigate.)

-Q

Dear Question,

On my latest algebra test, I had to solve A^2 + 8 = 12. Inspired by you, my answer was "A is A!" My teacher sent me to the principal's office. How do I convince them?

Thanks,

Algebrainless

Dear Algebrainless,

Some truths are simply too powerful for lesser minds to comprehend. You have achieved enlightenment--your burden is that others have not achieved this exalted state. Your path is to bring others to your level.

Getting a C in Algebra may be the stone in your shoe along this path.

Give them the answer they want, for now. Learn their answers so you can parrot them back when you need to do so. This will help develop your ability to distinguish between appearance and reality. When you have mastered their mundane world-view, you will be ready to seek the answers that really matter.

Which is when life becomes truly interesting.
-Q

And that's all the time we have this week. Have a question for The Question? Comment below! You'll definitely get an answer of some kind...

BPD WORLD HQ - Continuing our commitment to bringing you ‘the new hotness’ we're happy to present Newbie Monday, showcasing two fine Meta-Journalists who are taking their first shot at writing for us. Please welcome James Rambo and Roberto Ortiz!

Now you may be thinking, "Hey! What makes THEM so great? I can cover superheroes too!" Well, by all means:

Starting today and ending Thursday, August 23rd we'll be opening The BPD mailbag up to submissions. Send us your best shot at writing a Bugle’s Planet style post. We'll choose the top two and post them on the site on Wednesday, August 29th.

We forgot to mention that the #1 entry will win an Atomic Bugle T-Shirt or, if you'd prefer, a Soul Punch! tee. Hey ladies, the new Atomic Power Girl tee is also up for grabs. We don't know how we missed that.

We'll also post a list of "honorable mentions" and may present a second round on the following Friday if the submissions are just that good.

GUIDELINES
Email your submissions to us at bpd@buglesplanet.com. Make sure the subject line reads “BPD GUEST SHOT”

Submission are limited to one (1) per person and must be in the BPD mailbox no later than 11:59 PM on Thursday, August 23rd.

Submissions should be no longer than 500 words, have a title; include your name, a 2-3 sentence bio, one link you’d like included (we’ll even post your picture or avatar if you’d like); and must adhere to the following:

1. Keep the posts relevant to: comics (not just DC or Marvel but the whole gamut), sci-fi and fantasy novels, comic related or style TV shows/movies--anything that relates to comics is fair game

2. Have fun and make it funny!
3. Treat events and characters as though they are real
4. Think "news item" for the most part—journalism style "FABLETOWN - Bigby Wolf..."
5. Don’t beat down any particular character, book, company, creator, editor, publisher, retailer... and so on—stay light, funny or illuminating. Don’t drink the Hater-ade!
6. No real obscenity or ‘adult content’ -- think "PG-13."
7. Real world events can be referred to as television shows, books or movies.

Rights And Ownership
All submissions become the property of Bugle’s Planet Daily. We are not responsible for any resemblance a submission may bear to future BPD posts. So please don't think we're ripping you off if one of our writers riffs on the same subject. We wouldn't do that. Perhaps you are drawing from the same well of creativity. Plus we value you as a reader and wouldn't want to loose you.

We’re excited to see what you’ve got. Blow minds, sizzle retinas!

Signed,

Sherin and Drew (your friendly neighborhood BPD-meisters)

"World's Greatest Detective" Ambushed by Friends

by Drew Bittner, Senior Gotham Correspondent

GOTHAM CITY - The Darknight Detective was caught unawares Saturday evening by a surprise party, thrown in honor of his birthday by the Justice League of America.

"I was a little surprised, yes," Batman admitted to this reporter (who was flown blindfolded into the Batcave to cover the event). "There are many security features to the cave--but they were all neatly circumvented by my friends." He suddenly frowned. "...which is unacceptable."

Hosted by Robin the Boy Wonder, partygoers included Superman, Supergirl, Green Lantern, Green Arrow and Black Canary, Hawkman and Hawkgirl, the current rosters of the JLA and Teen Titans, and several more.

"This is a great opportunity for us to get together and loosen the capes a little," Superman said. "Nobody has fun like a group of superheroes! Well, nobody but a group of supervillains, I suppose, but I've never been to one of their parties."

Booster Gold showed up late for the festivities, claiming that his robotic sidekick Skeets "forgot" to inform him of a prior commitment. "Hey, at least I got here," he said. "That's more than the Outsiders managed to do!" He was forced to retract his statement mere seconds later, having seen the new lineup of Outsiders glaring at him across the Batcave floor.

A special guest of the night was Catwoman, whose arrival provoked some controversy among the assembled heroes. A spontaneous vote was held and Catwoman was allowed to stay, with Huntress casting the deciding vote. "I just wanted to see what she'd do. That girl may be trouble but she's fun to watch!" Huntress said later.

Nightwing, Batman's former partner and the first Robin, was a notable no-show but sent a videotaped greeting to his mentor, wishing him the best and offering to watch over Gotham City any time he feels like retiring. Even though Batman laughed, it feels as though he's been around for decades, despite his having the vigor and appearance of a man barely in his thirties. How much longer will this tireless caped crusader continue to patrol the night-time streets of Gotham City?

Judging by the way he set the dance floor on fire, he'll be crimefighting for many, many years to come.

Want to know more about Batman? Visit http://www.dccomics.com/!

Every now and then, people have to place ads.

They might have junk they want to sell off, they might be looking to rent out a place or to hire some help. Hey, even superfolk place ads!

Here is our inaugural Classified Ads page.

HELP WANTED

HENCHMEN- Exp a must. Refs req. Ability to take a joke essential. J, 515-555-HAHA

SECURITY- Signing bonus! Seeking qualified candidates to provide security at high-tech facility. Exc pay, flex hrs. Come to our job fair! HYDRA, 1 Cornwell Pl., New York NY.

COLLEGE STUDENTS WANTED for consumer product testing. Almost no chance of random mutation! Contact Human Test Subject Program, STAR Labs, Metropolis.

REAL ESTATE/SALE

SALEM CENTER, NY- 4 bdrm, 3 ba Dutch Colonial on beautiful property (1.9 acres), adjoining private school. Motivated! Asking $3.1M. Contact Westchester Exclusive Properties, xxx-555-HOME.

VEHICLES

FLYING/USED- one flying vehicle, four modules (each independently flyable); some wear and tear but working cond.; 298k mi. $216,500 or best offer. R. Richards c/o Baxter Bldg., NY NY

CUSTOM CAR- ltd production model, jet engine, hydrogen fuel cell powered, military-grade armor, upgrades. Blk/blk int. 115k mi. Xlnt cond. Asking $1M. Contact "B" c/o GCPD, Gotham City

DUNE BUGGY w/upgrades, as is. Not in working cond. Spider design. $150. Contact P. Parker c/o Daily Bugle, NY NY

CLOTHING

PANTS- XXXXL purple pants, ext. wear, torn knees. Collectible. Ask $350. Contact R. Jones, 212-555-RICK

ARMOR- as is, non-milgrade (2007), prototype. Working cond., req. maint. Asking $750k. Contact T. Stark, Stark Enterprises

WARDROBE- costumes and evening wear, all "like new" cond. Best offer. Contact J. VanDyne, Avengers Tower.

MISCELLANEOUS

GLOWING GREEN ROCK- Found in Metropolis, must sell immed. $50 or b/o. 319-555-2176

Metahumans Have No Respect, Laments Publisher Sherin

BPD WORLD HQ - Some work environments are a little more stressful than others. The core of a nuclear power plant, the operating room of a world-famous brain surgeon, the Ancient One's library... Skywatch (take your pick which one, they all crashed after awhile).

They ain't got nothin' on BPD.

We'd love to update today-- there are some really spiffy news items about a litter of atomic kittens born on Oolong Island, Booster Gold finding out that "53" is pretty important too, and the assembled trolls of ElfQuest going on strike for better working conditions-- but the Hulk and Thor are having at it in our newsroom.

Mjolnir just smashed [undecipherable] and [connection lost--switching to auxiliary feed]

...blows, y'know? How many... oh, we're live again. It seems Thor took a little hop from Oklahoma to visit his Avengers pals and catch up—him being dead and all until just recently—and Hulk figured his one-time Avenger buddy was coming to get his licks (hey, he didn't just kick Illuminati butt). So now they're scrapping and we [connection lost--switching to main feed]

...AMMIT!! This happens one more... and we're back.

We have to evacuate the offices, folks. Damage Control is telling us the building is structurally weakened and will [connection lost--feed lost]

BREAKING NEWS:

[sent from local Starbucks]

Okay, everyone, we'll be back on Friday. Probably.

Looking for more news on Hulk and Thor? Look no farther than http://www.marvel.com/

The comic book industry mourns the loss of Mike Wieringo, comic book artist, who died of a heart attack on August 12.

Celebrated for his work on titles including Flash (with Mark Waid, in the course of which he co-created the character Impulse), Robin, Tellos (a series he co-created with Todd DeZago) and Fantastic Four, Wieringo had been working on the Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four miniseries for Marvel.

For more information on Wieringo and his career, visit his Wikipedia entry here. Devon Sanders also offers a wonderful, personal remembrance on the Seven Hells!

Bugle's Planet Daily extends its deepest condolences to the family, friends, co-workers and colleagues of Mike Wieringo. He will be greatly missed.

HUB CITY - Mayor Jackson Granger called an impromptu press conference today to announce the start of his new community outreach program.

Taking the podium to grand applause, the Mayor began his address with his usual charisma and aplomb. "Good Morning Hub City! It's a pleasure to see you all today. I have called Hub City home for the past 23 years. In that time I have seen many things; I've seen the darkness of man's inhumanity to man and I've seen the ability of our citizens to push through that darkness, through to the light.

"In the last few months, we as a people have suffered a great loss. The death of our own, and only, beloved hero, The Question, has left a void waiting to be filled. It is this emptiness which brings me here today.

"Today, I announce the start of a new and, hopefully, thought-provoking 'give-back' program, one designed to encourage the creation of local superheroes, Operation: Build a Savior!"

Pausing for a moment to collect himself and allow for sufficient applause, the Mayor continued. "Essentially, the crux of this program is this: the rich of the community are being asked to take their children out and have dinner, maybe support the local theater, take in that revival of 'The Mask of Zorro' at the Regal, just generally live it up, the better the time had, the stronger the juxtaposition. Once you've finished the night's activities, just stroll into one of the cities many back alleys and let nature take it's course." His last statement met by a stunned crowd, The Mayor went on to further elucidate. "Oh, no, I didn't mean sex. There is a place for such things and it is not in a back alley. No, no, I meant get mugged, and ideally, murdered."

As murmurs began amongst the audience, the Mayor appeared visually shaken, but went on to further clarify his initiative.

"You see, the community needs a strong hero, and as we all know, the best are born of tragedy. It only makes sense that if we're to encourage our own homegrown superhero, they be baptized in the blood of the one's they love," The Mayor said quite matter-of-factly. "As we all know, the average thief is not looking to kill anybody but just wants a quick score to buy themselves a hit, so exacerbation is encouraged: make fun of their ratty clothes, laugh at their lower class accent, just generally be the people you were raised to be. Oh and we need definite targets, no need for poor people to get shot, so a tux is a must for the men and ladies, don't forget those pearls. Oh and be sure you have a sizable bank account. I mean look at Batman, that car, the plane, all the little gadget things, that guy's swimmin' in it, and Green Arrow? Those trick arrows can't come cheap. The last thing we need is more broke boy-scouts with domino masks. I think we all remember Action Steve, may god rest his soul."

Seeing the looks of confusion and disgust on the faces of the amassed, the Mayor began to grow desperate, citing the potential in other methods of hero creation. "Well fine, if the wealthy of the city can't find it within themselves to make a small sacrifice for their community... well, how about this then, everybody, lower, middle, and upper class, try museums with exhibits of mystical artifacts, meteor crash craters, experimental weapons test sites, radioactive power plants, c'mon people, help me out!"

As the assembly began to disperse, police arrived with a van from the Hub City Hospital for the Mentally Disenfranchised in tow to collect the distraught Mayor. Still, he continued. "Oh what, am I a bad person? Screw that! Somebody needs to be keeping an eye on this city, I'm just nudging things in the right direction. But good god, no more Objectivists! I swear, if I here one more quote from 'Atlas Shrugged', I'll eat a bullet."

One lone attendee remained as the Mayor was hauled away, offering the leader of the city a standing ovation. "That mmman is a visionnnnary," said Hunter Zolomon. "If you'll excuuuse mee, I have to go register to vote. Gggranger in '08!"

By Roberto Ortiz, BPD Newbie

SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON – In a cross promotion mash up Marvel Comics and Fox Entertainment announced a special edition of the cooking reality series Hell’s Kitchen, to be aired in the late fall or as a mid season replacement.

In this version, world-renowned chef [read bully] Gordon Ramsay takes a group of high-powered, neo-cooks into what could only be described as culinary hell: screaming, burned risottos and high stress to earn the right to operate a top restaurant.

About a month ago, a number of high-profile friends and family of superheroes were selected to participate on the show, including Edwin Jarvis, Wong, May Reilly Parker and Foggy Nelson. But, at the last minute, Dr. Henry "Hank" P. McCoy was replaced by a surprise contestant: Bruce Banner.

According to sources close to the production this addition was done without the direct approval of Fox Entertainment. Agents for those appearing on the program counter-claim that they were pressured by Fox to "Amp up the star power on the show."

Making a potential tragedy worse, nobody warned Chef Ramsay about the special bipolar condition that afflicts Mr. Banner. According to some reports, Dr. Banner had run low on his prescription tranquilizers at the time.

During the broadcast, survivors report that Dr. Banner's inability to make a “perfectly round and delicious” chicken croquet led to an advanced stage of agitation; he became a special target of Ramsay's expletive laced abuse. The chef was especially angry at Banner's apparent inability to cook spaghetti al dente. The last words before turning into a seven-foot green behemoth were "PUNY HUMAN! HULK THE GOURMET ONE!"

Late last night, Ramsay was admitted to Holy Cross hospital in LA, where surgeons worked unsuccessfully to remove a Beef Wellington from his lower intestine. He will be flown back to his native UK for reconstructive and bypass surgeries.

At press time, Dr. Banner remained at large but was last seen wearing a tattered Hell’s Kitchen apron which had inexplicably turned purple.

Visit Beautiful Tranquility!

TRANQUILITY, CA - It may look like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting, but Tranquility has the distinction of being the place where superfolk go to retire. The streets are bustling and local businesses do well, including the Chick'N Go eatery run by Suzy Fury (aka Pink Bunny).

Sheriff Thomasina Lindo says, "We have a nice little town here and are real welcoming to tourists. We don't want gawkers or lookee-loos or paparazzi, mind, but anyone who'd like a bit of history amid the small-town good cheer... well, you can't do better than Tranquility!"

Despite a sharp spike in index crimes (with the murder of crimefighter Mr. Articulate), there is not much local evildoing. A local Goth band known as the, ahem, Liberty Snots may seem intimidating but Sheriff Lindo assures this travel writer that they are hardly ever real trouble... mostly.

"They're just kids being kids," she says. "Superpowered kids being kids. You know, doody happens." (Her upbeat tone may have been a trifle forced.) "Of course, we did have a little dust-up or two... or three... when five new kids came to town. And we had folks from StormWatch pay a visit recently, following up on a murder... but stuff like that almost never happens here, honest!"

Tranquility is now home to the world-famous Liberty Squad, the superpowered team of "maxis" who struggled against fascist aggression in World War II. Surviving members include Judge Fury (now Mayor of Tranquility), Col. Cragg and his sidekick Bad Dog, Maximum Man, and Pink Bunny. These veteran heroes are in surprising vigor and good health, despite their average age now trending upwards of 80. "I guess we're just living right," Suzy Fury said with a saucy wink.

Where else can one find former child aviatrix Minxy Minerva crashing solid gold planes on Main Street, or undead undertaker Zombie Zeke screeching bad poetry at all who pass his Gate to the Underworld cemetery? Where else can you witness a chess match between Maximum Man and Henry Hate? Nowhere else, that's where.

And if you happen to be in town at the right time, you can even see a three-way slugfest between a pack of runaway Gen-Actives, the Liberty Snots and the Authoriteens--teenaged counterparts of the infamous Authority.

The WildStorm Travel Agency's Gail Simone gives Tranquility a four-star rating. "I've been in the tourism business for awhile now," Ms. Simone says, "and I can say Tranquility is one of the most interesting places I've ever been. Not that I don't love the excitement of a place like Gotham City but this small town has an awful lot going on."

BPD is proud to endorse Tranquility as our DESTINATION OF THE WEEK! Visit soon-- and send us comments about your trip! We'd love to hear what you have to say!

Coming up in PLACES-- beautiful Zenn-La! You will love it there... or else!

"I've got life-spiked fuel injection and a wife who's sitting on twenties. Who needs the AllSpark?"

NEW CYBERTRON - Megalomaniac Megatron has taken up 80-proof fuel and Johnnie Walker® Blue filled ammo in an attempt to chase away a patriarch's pain.

All was well in Megatron's universe. He'd been restored to 'scourge of the earth' status, was celebrating his fifth year of marriage to rogue S.H.I.E.L.D agent and LMD Badonkadon k (sister unit to Agent Cheesecake) and was progenitor of a new species of offspring—a darling simulacrum dubbed Impale.

So amped was the Decepticon leader that he often boasted "I've got life-spiked fuel injection and a wife who's sitting on twenties. Who needs the AllSpark?"

Then tragedy struck. As is widely known, the third birthday of a Transformer marks the unveiling of its alternate form.
NOTE: The three-year time period is said to give the youngling a chance to thoroughly search the Internet and create an identity confounding to humankind.

Excited, Megatron threw a grand soiree to celebrate Impale’s big day. Everyone gathered around. That famous Transformer sound-effect reverberated across the grounds and then: Behold, before them stood a truly lethal looking Red Swingline Stapler.

The emasculated papa emitted a howl the likes of which has not been heard since Planet Hulk blew. When asked why he was so upset, the Dorothy Hamill-coiffed fiend roared “I AM MEGATRON!!!!!” BPD waited but apparently that was elucidation enough.

Agent Badonkadonk has a different take “Office work is a noble undertaking. The likes of Dilbert and his quantum reality counterpart Drew Carey will be great mentors to my sweet little ‘Scooter.’ Plus a stapler can be a weapon of great destruction. Look at how one dismantled the mind of that guy from Office Space. You know what I’m saying. Scooter’s mode of destruction is visceral, not all up in your face like my pooh-pie Meggy’s.”

Impale’s uncle, Optimus Prime, had no comment on his nephew’s nature due to a dearth of Jazz parts with which to punctuate his point.

To further Megatron’s pain it has also been suggested he is father to Twiki of the 25th century. Will his offspring ever cease to disgrace him? The world may never know.

----------------
Megatron's Internal Soundtrack: Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World
via FoxyTunes

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